Friday, August 12, 2011

25 More Mostly Pointless But Snappy Comebacks When Debating A Crazed Right-Winger

1. “Do you have to unhinge your jaw to swallow all that crap on Fox News?”

2. “I’m assuming you have people on your staff who can tie your shoes for you, right?”

3. “So, when you were little, was the monster in your closet bi-racial and able to speak complete sentences?”

4. “Did your family get a group rate on those lobotomies?”

5. “I’d call you a liar, but that’s a compliment with your people.”

6. “The woman should be submissive to her husband? So he’s the one telling you to be a total bitch?”

7. “Well, would you look at that. If I tap my shoe three times, half of the Republican men in here drop to their knees and stick their tongue out.”

8. “Is it hard finding shoes that you can get your cloven hooves into?”

9. “Of course you don’t like Welfare. It’s the one thing your money can’t buy.”

10. “Just curious. How do you keep from bursting into flames when you walk into a church? Is it the formaldehyde?”

11. “I’d ask you to point that country out on a globe, but I realize you still think the world is flat, and that’s just unfair of me.”

12. “I’m assuming you don’t shop at Benetton.”

13. “You’re having a prayer vigil for the economy? Isn’t that like asking Rick Perry to care about public education?”

14. “Yes, I see why you don’t like Rachel Maddow. That brazen hussy just insists on finding the facts, doesn’t she? So rude of her. Now, that Rush Limbaugh, he doesn’t give a hoot about truth. Have you slept with him yet? Because I’m sure he really turns you on. And he has prescription pills you can both take to help you forget what actually happened. And I believe that forgetting is the firmest plank in your party, yes?”

15. “You understand about as much of American history as I understand your willful decision to be an idiot.”

16. “So, does your hatred of Social Security stem from the fact that it’s kept too many liberal voters alive and well?”

17. “What part of ‘there was a surplus when Clinton left office’ do you not understand?”

18. “Are you still able to use those sheets after you’ve cut eyeholes in the hood? Because it would suck having to buy fresh linen every night. I feel your pain.”

19. “You want to reclaim America? From whom? The Americans?”

20. “Michelle Bachmann thinks the Italian Renaissance, especially Leonardo and Michelangelo (Gay artist alert. OMG!), is responsible for the downfall of America. Really? So, along that line of thinking, Marcus is responsible for the downfall of Michelle’s sanity. Because surely Michelle couldn’t have gone off the deep end without the assistance of an artistic homosexual, right? That’s got to be in the Bible somewhere.”

21. “Speaking of the Bible, I know that you haven’t read the entire thing, or you would have noticed the part about ‘do unto others’. So let me shorthand it for you. Goes around, comes around. You too, shall pass.”

22. “Sarah has visions of Russia from her house, Mitt upholds a religion whose founder had visions of thousands of wives, John McCain has visions that alternately lead him from far-right to middlin and back again, Herman Cain has visions of being elected leader of a party that hates black people despite their desperate inclusion of them just to get votes, and Newt Gingrich has visions that he still matters in any way. With all these visions, who needs TV?”

23. “Global warming doesn’t exist? Obviously there’s been a major climate change because you have been spawned in some manner. That wouldn’t have happened in a non-chemically-altered environment.”

24. “You want to completely eliminate taxes and still expect the government to function? Good luck with that.”

25. “Did you really think we wouldn’t notice that you’re an asshole?”

End Trans.

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