Friday, August 5, 2011

10 Surreal Conversations at a Typical Drive-Thru Restaurant

Note: SOM = Skank on Microphone, the nasty dumb-ass that has somehow been granted communication permissions at this establishment. YOU = well, you. Here we go…


SOM: “Welcomecrackintheboxyourorder?”

YOU: “Okay, I think you just greeted me and want me to order. Can you hang on a minute?”

SOM: “….”

YOU: “Hello?”

SOM: “Are you ready?”

YOU: “No, I just wanted to make sure you heard me say just a minute.”

SOM: “…”

YOU: “Did you hear me?”

SOM: “Are you ready?”

YOU: “Do I just not exist to you until I answer ‘yes’ to that question?”


SOM: “Sir, please stop honking your horn.”

YOU: “I’m NOT honking my horn. It’s the people behind me.”

SOM: “Why are they honking?”

YOU: “I’m assuming they’re hungry. We’ve been in line for twenty minutes and we haven’t moved an inch.”

SOM: “Could you tell them to stop honking?”

YOU: “I don’t know them. I’m not telling them anything.”

SOM: “You’re closer than me.”

YOU: “Look, can I talk to your manager?”

SOM: “He’s not here, he had to run get some change from the bank and… Hey, is the honking coming from an ugly green Honda Prius?”

YOU: “What? Um… well… yes, it’s an ugly Prius.”

SOM: “That’s my manager. He’s trying to bring me change and you’re in the way. Could you go get the bag and bring it to me?”


SOM: “Could you please repeat that?”

YOU: “I haven’t said anything yet. Do you understand that the people in front of me aren’t here anymore?”

SOM: “Could you please repeat that?”


SOM: “Please pull up to the second window.”

YOU: “Um, there’s only one window.”

SOM: “Oh. That was my last job. Can you just drive until I see you?”


SOM: “You want any ketchup with that?”

YOU: “I ordered fries. Why would I not want ketchup?”

SOM: “Some people don’t.”

YOU: “Some people do. Like me.”

SOM: “Look, I’m supposed to ask instead of just give. I don’t make the rules. Ketchup costs money, you know.”

YOU: “Then add it to the cost of the fries and give everybody the damn ketchup.”

SOM: “Fine. Is one packet enough?”

YOU: “I’d like three. There’s only like two drops in one of those things.”

SOM: “That’s a lot of ketchup. Do you know how much sugar that is?”

YOU: “Are we really having this conversation?”

SOM: “I think we’re both talking, so, yes, we are.”

YOU: “Just give me the ketchup.”


YOU: “I’d like the Atomic Burrito and a large order of Jalapeno Bang-Bangs.”

SOM: “We don’t have chicken.”

YOU: “That burrito has ground beef. What’s with the chicken?”

SOM: “We don’t have it.”

YOU: “But I’m not ordering anything with chicken.”

SOM: “We don’t have chicken.”


SOM: “Would you like to super-size that?”

YOU: “No, thanks.”

SOM: “Would you like to super-size that?”

YOU: “NO! Regular size is fine.”

SOM: “Would you like to super-size that?”

YOU: “Are you some kind of upgrade terrorist? I don’t want the big one, I want the little one.”

SOM: “Bigger is better.”

YOU: “No, it’s not. Not if I don’t want it. God.”

SOM: “God wants you to have bigger things.”

YOU: “Just shoot me in the head.”

SOM: “Would you like the super bullet with that?”


SOM: “Can I take your order?”

YOU: “Uh, I was already ordering. Did you not hear that?”

SOM: “That was Yolanda. She’s on break now.”

YOU: “So Yolanda can leave in the middle of an order?”

SOM: “We have a union. There are rules. I don’t know why you’re here if you don’t support that.”

YOU: “Are you serious?”

SOM: “No, I’m Melvin. Can I take your order?”


YOU: “Does the Hawaiian Surprise sandwich have tomatoes?”

SOM: “I don’t know.”

YOU: “Is there somebody you can check with? I don’t want tomatoes.”

SOM: “I don’t know people in Hawaii.”

YOU: “Okay, does the person who is making the sandwiches know?”

SOM: “I’m not allowed to go back there.”

YOU: “Is there a manager I can talk to?”

SOM: “He’s not Hawaiian.”

YOU: “Why are you making this so hard?”

SOM: “You’re the one asking all the questions.”


SOM: “Could you please pull through and park in front of the building?”

YOU: “Why? What’s taking so long?”

SOM: “Your order.”

YOU: “I get that. What, of the things I ordered, is causing the problem?”

SOM: “Everything.”

YOU: “Even the water?”

SOM: “Yes. Especially the water.”

YOU: “How can there be a problem with a cup of water?”

SOM: “Um, no one ever orders that, so we’re not sure what to do.”

YOU: “You don’t know how to put water in a cup? Are you serious?”

SOM: “I’m very serious about food. That’s why I work here. Why are you questioning my values?”

YOU: “I’m not questioning… Look, if we skip the water, can things happen faster?”

SOM: “You’ve already paid. I’m not authorized to do refunds.”

YOU: “The water didn’t cost anything.”

SOM: “But it’s on the receipt. See? Item 4. Water.”

YOU: “Let’s just pretend that you’ve already given me the water and I already drank it, okay? Now, can I just get the rest of the food?”

SOM: “Um, okay.”

YOU: “No more problems?”

SOM: “No. Wait. Yes. Hang on.”

YOU: “What now?”

SOM: “They’re calling me on my headset. One sec. Okay. Okay. Sir, your chicken sandwich?”

YOU: “Oh, God.”

SOM: “Tina’s calling from the kitchen. She says she’s holding the tomato right now. But she doesn’t know what you want her to do with it after that.”


  1. Where do you get these? Please tell me you made them up. I only ask because I have met people this stupid before, and I just want assurance that they aren't breeding.

  2. Yes I'd like a super bullet. Hold the tomato, don't DO ANYTHING WITH THE DAMN TOMATO, just hold. it.

    *BRAVO!* lmao <-----I really am

  3. Hey Jon,

    Sadly, about half of these are actual experiences (I argued with a woman for a solid five minutes about the ketchup thing), and the other half are real with some extra flair. Lock your doors, the breeding is real...


    Awww. Your unending support brings tears to my eyes. Wait, these aren't tears... what the... am I wearing mascara again? Damn it.

  4. I love how they try to tell you there is a bunch of sugar in the ketchup. If you were really worried about eating healthy you probably wouldn't be in their drive through. LOL.