Monday, August 22, 2011

10 More Random Character Updates From “True Blood”

1. Eric just needs to make up his mind.

For three seasons we completely understood Eric. Didn’t necessarily care for his actions, but you could always depend on him to do something astonishingly brutal at just the right moment. Now he’s running around making whoopee with Sookie during inclement weather, not bothering to even stand up for himself when he would normally just kill his transgressor, and refusing to wear hair gel. And now he’s Antonia Granola’s bitch. Really?

2. We’re over the Andy Bellefleur thing.

So he’s addicted to V. Good for him. Now, can we move on from the scenes where he’s either jonesing for a fix or, having gotten one, proceeds to use his sudden burst of strength to irritate the local citizenry with his Napoleonic lust for an actual purpose in life? No wonder Katherine Helmond hasn’t been back on the show. Would you want to be the momma of that mess?

3. How has Merlotte’s managed to stay open?

Sam’s never around anymore, off screwing around with his subplot about Luna, her overly-willful offspring, and her Ex-Baby Daddy that clearly hasn’t been to a salon for several seasons. And Tommy, paragon of virtue, has been left in some type of in-charge capacity at the restaurant. Yet people continue to pile through the door in a quest for deep-fried Louisiana artery-cloggers like nothing untoward is happening. Is this how Republicans get elected?

4. Nan sucks.

Let’s see. We already have one vaguely drag-queen woman who runs around with severe makeup, has a foul mouth, and generally dislikes everybody who isn’t her or Eric. Her name is Pam, and she’s better at the bitchiness, hands down. And Nan refuses to divulge anything about her tenuous connection to The Authority, an organization that we stopped caring about because they never tell us what’s up with that. Nan needs to get a new gig to make her more interesting, preferably one with less evasiveness and mascara.

5. The Lafayette/Mavis thing.

Are we serious with this? Don’t you think it was a little bit easy to have Laff be possessed by a woman with issues? Stereotyping, much? Granted, with the way things played out, ending with Lafayette clutching le bebe and then Mavis soaring into Heaven or wherever it is that spirits go when their contract has run out in a TV series, I was unavoidably moved. But still, Mavis didn’t take that damn devil doll with her, and that really bothers me.

6. Luna.

Honey, haven’t we seen enough of your nipples?

7. The Sookie/Eric/Bill group-sex dream.

Okay, first, Sookie can wear mammoth-heeled stilettos with her trashy red lingerie (because doing such is so comfortable and natural), but Eric still has to bend over about three feet just to kiss her. Just how the hell freakishly tall is he anyway? (And when Bill stands next to Eric, I can’t help but think of a yellow brick road.)

Second, Sookie needs to eat more, because she looked like one of the finalists on “Survivor: Bon Temps Island”. And lastly, despite the attempt to make Sookie’s wishes in this dream be all about female-dominance, the male homo-erotica of Bill and Eric squirming on the couch sent me in a totally different direction.

8. Debbie done did Dallas.

Okay, she didn’t do Dallas, not that they’ve shown us, anyway, it was just fun to type that out. But she did do a lot of mean-ass stuff back in the relatively recent day, including trying to kill off the star of a TV show, and that doesn’t sit well with some people. I’m just not buying the complete reversal where she went from Cooter-lovin’ killer to someone who just wants to be held (even if it’s Alcide doing the holding). I’m expecting the Stepford-wiring to short-circuit at any moment and she’ll flip out again. Oh wait, did she just take some V? Uh oh…

9. Arlene and Terry

This is what you get if the Scooby Doo gang really did take all those rumored drugs. And never stopped. (And Arlene, sweetie, could you maybe not let that voice of yours get into the upper ranges so much? Love ya, but damn, girl.)

10. Hoyt and the Misguided Efforts

Two things. One, let’s not watch the nature channel so much, there’s enough wildlife right outside your jacked-up door. And two, no it’s not okay to have best friend Jason drop off The Monster’s box of CD’s and panties over to Jessica’s. Best friends are supposed to help you talk trash about your Ex, not perform custodial services and (unbeknownst to you, thus far) hook up with said Ex in the back of a pickup. And Ex’s aren’t supposed to jump so quickly on the best friends, especially in such an unglamorous, farm-vehicle-based manner.

Then again, maybe Sookie is on to something with that 3-way marriage business. Let’s wait until she gets done screaming and running over at that hotel where people are pretending to be nice, and then we’ll ask her more about it, mmmkay?

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