Monday, August 29, 2011

“True Blood” Casting Changes for the Upcoming Presidential Election Year

It’s true! Well, not really, but still. Let’s meet our new cast, who they will be playing and why they are qualified, and (this is True Blood, after all) whether or not we can expect to see them running naked and free through the lusty swamps of Bon Temps.

1. Sarah Palin as “Sookie Stackhouse”.

Qualifications: Excessive absenteeism at work, constantly demands attention and extensive wardrobes, has family members that made poor decisions in sexual relationships. Past TV Show: Sarah’s Alaskan Crapfest. Nudity expectations: Doesn’t own actual body, must speak with husband first, then Jesus.

2. Jon Stewart as “Bill Compton”.

Qualifications: Already has experience at doing things better than people and entire networks who are supposed to be doing the job, like reporting the news, so he should have no problem being the nocturnal King of Louisiana and trying to control a bunch of unruly vampires, just like Jon does every time he appears on Fox News. Past TV Show: A tiny little cult hit on Comedy Central. Nudity expectations: Only if Stephen does it, too.

3. Rick Perry as “Russell Edgington”.

Qualifications: Kept doing the wrong thing until he alienated the living (things like killing them on air and stuff), adheres to questionable moral code that no one understands or has ever seen, sure would love to have himself a plantation from back in the day when you could legally whip somebody for not making money for you fast enough. And then sell them. Past TV Show: Walker, Texas Deranger. Nudity expectations: Rumors abound on which side of bed he prefers, clarification meetings scheduled before final draft of scripts.

4. Mitt Romney as “Sam Merlotte”.

Qualifications: Apparently went to same shape-shifting academy as the Sam and Tommy brethren but did more homework, resulting in skilled wind-riding capabilities that carried him into the land of Fox News, just like Dorothy but with a different set of flying monkeys. Past TV Show: Played both Darrins on Bewitched. Nudity expectations: He’s Mormon. Hundreds of women have already seen him naked, no big deal.

5. Ralph Nader as “Tara Thornton”.

Qualifications: Started out as a really likeable character who provided wit and keen insight into issues, later devolved into goal-questionable persona with annoying ability to muck things up by supporting peripheral causes that affect voting outcomes in a not-good way. Tendency to be confrontational rather than olive-branch-offering, and possible lesbian. Past TV Show: Why Won’t People Listen To Me? Nudity Expectations: Consumer safety reports advise against operating this vehicle.

6. Rush Limbaugh as “Andy Bellefleur”.

Qualifications: Drug use, denial, and delusions. Past TV Show: Any episode of Lost, particularly an episode where you have no idea what’s going on (which would be all of them). Nudity expectations: None. By court order.

7. Hillary Clinton as “Pam De Beaufort”.

Qualifications: Amazing ability to stand by her man despite unfortunate choices involving interns, cigars, and national policy. Not afraid to deal with both stripper poles in trendy nightclubs and Gallup polls that require an adjustment in public speeches. Past TV Shows: Little Rock Junction and I Should Have Known Something Was Up When I Saw That Stupid Beret. Nudity expectations: I’ll have my people work with your people. But that’s a lovely blouse you’re wearing. Let’s do lunch.

8. Anthony Weiner as “Jason Stackhouse”.

Qualifications: Just had to go there. And it seems that the equipment is in order. Past TV Show: Meat the Press. Nudity expectations: Already met.

9. Rachel Maddow as Alan Ball, creator and producer.

Qualifications: Innate ability to distinguish fact from fiction, synopsize and present material without patronizing, and put belligerent people in their places. All of which will come in handy when the stars of the show get bitchy about who has the better trailer, entourage, or number of pointless sex scenes. Previous TV Show: Rachel Maddow Has the Answers and You Don’t. Nudity expectations: Currently evaluating all reliable sources before responding prematurely, but not afraid to show what needs to be seen.

10. Wolf Blitzer as “Alcide Herveaux”.

Qualifications: Just the wolf connection, not much else. But on this show, that’s enough. Past TV Show: Some mess where he stares at a map and spits out numbers and predicts things that have to do with primary colors. Nudity expectations: Exit polls indicate this is a non-galvanizing issue.

11. Michelle Bachmann as extra vampire in crowd scenes.

Qualifications: She’s already undead and doesn’t do anything really important, should work out fine whenever we need non-credited actors who can be killed off without affecting the story line in any way. Past TV Show: Anywhere there’s a camera and a microphone. Nudity expectations: Her husband hasn’t even seen the goods, so why should we?

12. Arnold Schwarzenegger as “Lafayette Reynolds”.

Qualifications: Because every actor needs a good challenge every now and then. Or even for the first time. And who doesn’t want to see a Republican finally meet Jesus? Previous TV Show: Let’s Make A Deal About Changing The Constitution So I Can Be President. Nudity expectations: Just check the Internet. Done.

Start sending your fan mail now! Of course, some of them can’t read, but don’t let that stop you. It certainly hasn’t stopped them.


  1. This line "Nudity expectations: Doesn’t own actual body, must speak with husband first, then Jesus." kills me! I love it.

  2. Tank,

    I actually had you in mind when I did that bit, knowing full well you would appreciate the finer nuances...