Saturday, June 4, 2011

10 Amazing Things You Can Do with an Empty Beer Bottle while Drinking with Friends in a Bar

1. Reenact the JFK assassination.

Have one of your tipsy drinking mates slowly slide the bottle down the table. Take the wrapper off a straw and use it to make spit wads, firing at the bottle until it tips over. (For extra color and fun, use some of the parsley from your appetizers to make a grassy knoll. Borrow someone’s nail polish, and use it to paint one of the coasters pink so somebody can be Jackie and wear it as a hat.) You get the “Magic Bullet Bonus Badge” if you knock the bottle over in exactly four shots, but people can only find 3 of the spit wads.

2. Start a jug band.

Of course, you might have to wait until all people at your table have reached the point where they don’t care what they do as long as the alcohol keeps magically appearing, presented with a flourish by the server who also magically keeps getting sexier every time they drop by with another tray-load. Once inhibitions have been satisfactorily lowered, ensure that all band members have an empty bottle for an instrument, and are christened with snappy street names like “Throttle” and “Wonderbuck”.

Then instruct everyone to commence with the blowing into the empty bottles, creating those off-key foghorn noises that could be any note on the planet. Insist that your new band only perform selections from the Led Zeppelin catalog, because this seems fitting in some way. If nearby patrons express annoyance about your jam session, ask them to join you, because you’re having some issues with the harmony on the backing vocals.

3. Cause confusion.

Pretend to be mildly perusing the back of the beer bottle, reading the fine print. Gasp suddenly, and then exclaim “Oh my GOD, I finally understand every season of Lost. I’ve got to talk to my lawyer.” Then excuse yourself and rush off to the bathroom.

4. Make a political statement.

Hold the empty bottle up and query the crowd. “What’s the difference between this and George Bush?” Pause dramatically and then announce: “Nothing.”

5. Annoy those people who are “just having club soda”.

Roll the bottle up and down the table until this person snaps and does something amazingly disruptive and mean-spirited. Extra points if you can get to 50 rolls before the snappage occurs. Triple points if you can somehow convince the tea-totaller that the culprit is actually your neighbor, and Prudence clobbers said neighbor with the beer bottle before stomping out of the building and slashing everyone’s tires.

6. Begin a romantic relationship with the bottle.

Make your table neighbor go irritate someone else for a while, then place the beer bottle in the center of the chair. Scoot the chair as close to you as possible, then repeatedly lean over to pet on the bottle and make cooing noises. Make a little bib for it out of your napkin, and then feed it French fries by shoving them into the neck of the bottle. If anyone questions your activities, because you’re basically being boring and stupid, say something insipid like “But he always knows the right thing to say to me, which is nothing. He completes me!”

If your tablemates continue to be unsupportive, dramatically snatch up the bottle in a huff, and then go stand by the jukebox, pretending to console your little lover. Wait a few songs, then throw the bottle behind the jukebox for someone to find in a few weeks, because you can only take this so far. March back to the table and announce the severing of the relationship. “I found out that he was cheating on me with that slut over at Table 4. He’s dead to me now.”

7. Play “Bowling For Drunks”

If necessary, rearrange your table and/or chairs so that you have an unobstructed pathway to the restrooms. Wait for obviously-schnockered patrons to stumble toward the facilities, then fling the bottle along the floor , aiming for their feet. 2 points if they only stumble, 5 points if they fall, 10 points if they take someone down with them, 20 points if multiple people flop about and can’t get up, and 253 points if someone manages to get pregnant during the melee. (“Honey, you shouldn’t have worn that easy-access hooker skirt. Sayin.”)

8. Build a miniature Stonehenge.

Arrange several bottles in an irregular circle, knock some of them over, partially submerge one in the queso, and suddenly start talking with a British accent. If people come up to your table and want to talk to you, make them purchase a ticket before they can sit down. When they leave, point out the gift shop that is really a broom closet. Lock the door if they are actually drunk enough to go in there. If neighbors question the possible banging sounds, mumble something about old pipes in the building, then distract everyone by ordering nachos.

9. Become a specialized dating service.

(Note: Your target must be fairly inebriated for this one to work. Plan accordingly.) Scooch over to one of your little friends that is perpetually sad about her lack of success in the dating scene. Convince her that you have a sure-fire method to win some man-meat, something you read about online. “Beer Earrings! Every straight man loves them!” Use some dental floss to tie a bottle to each of her ears, knocking her annoying hands out of the way if she tries to fight you.

Once properly trussed, continue pouring alcohol in her mouth and muttering words of encouragement about how hot and sexy she has now become. Once you have her convinced that the planet wants to sleep with her, point out a stud-boy standing at the bar and currently not making small talk with vapid women sporting big hair. “Go on, girl. Get you some of that!”

Hopefully, with her head wobbling under the unaccustomed weight, your little friend will sashay her way to the stud and strike up a conversation. If things go as intentioned, Lolita will be unable to stop herself from trying to whip her hair around sexily, causing one of the dangling beer bottles to wallop Jethro in the forehead, knocking him out cold. Immediately rush over to Tall Drink of Water Now on the Floor, and drag him out to Lolita’s hybrid car in the parking lot.

Shove Stud into the trunk, then turn to Lolita and say “will you NOW stop bitching about not having a man in your life? Run free, little sparrow.” Wave lovingly as Lolita drives off into the sunset, then immediately delete her name from all electronic communication devices. There are going to be some questions very soon that you don’t want to answer.

10. Throw your last empty bottle through a window.

Then leave. You have plenty of time to make your escape, because it will be at least 15 minutes before one of the drunken patrons suddenly realizes that they might have heard something that didn’t sound quite right. The actual hole in the window won’t be discovered until the following week, startling the entire staff and resulting in bitter accusations work-place strife.

Your work here is done.


  1. Thanks, I needed that.

  2. Thank YOU, Kathie, for stopping by. We really need to compare notes and get some posts out about the craziness back in the day... ;)