Friday, February 11, 2011

10 Things I’ve Learned Watching “American Idol” This Season

1. The general population of the United States is just as insane as ever.

  There are two variations of the human species which concern me the most with this one. One, we have lots of people who have delusional conceptions of their vocal abilities. Even if people around them are willingly puncturing their eardrums with a chopstick just to make the howling stop, these clueless people float along in their otherworld where apparently actual abilities and psychotic self-affirmations are the same thing.

  The second group involves friends and relatives who lie to the Delusional Children about their true purposes and limitations in life, and thereby perpetuate the madness of the damned as well as the suffering of the innocent. Right now, I’m thinking that this second subspecies is actually far more dangerous than the clueless warblers themselves. In fact, I believe maliciously encouraging your untalented offspring should be punishable by law. You lie to your child about their talents and worth to society, you go to jail.

2. Steven Tyler has a very interesting look.

  We always knew this, of course. He’s been bouncing around on stages for several decades now. But in the dimly-lit confines of a concert arena or in grainy footage of the entire band being arrested for something involving controlled narcotics, the brief glimpses of asexuality are not nearly as arresting as when he’s sitting still behind a table and directing questions toward the latest twirling queen auditioning before him.

3. Jennifer Lopez can make a ponytail sexually mesmerizing.

  Who knew that the simple usage of a scrunchie could make someone look amazingly hot? You go, girl.

4. I’m still not really sure what Randy Jackson’s purpose might be.

  Okay, he’s not throwing out that damn “pitchy” word as much this time around, so I’ll give him credit for that. But do we ever really learn anything from him? And I really don’t think it’s fair that he’s always throwing it to Steven and Jennifer to kick people out when they suck. (On the flip side, he will knock the other two down to happily welcome the rare person who walks through the door and can actually carry a tune.) Sure, he’s got seniority, but so did Strom Thurmond, and he was a suck-hole of worthlessness in Congress.

5. Ryan Seacrest is proof that members of the Lollipop Guild apparently had sex at some point.

  They sho did. Mmm hmm.

6. It might not be a good idea to audition with your soul mate.

  I’m talking specifically about that couple from wherever the hell, the two that did that corny tribute to a 1950’s movie by whirling each other around in some pasture. The judges nearly wet themselves over the perceived cuteness of the duo, and lovingly handed them golden tickets and a few Willy Wonka chocolate bars. But we all knew that she was better than him from the get go. Well, all of us except him. So when he got cut during the first part of Hollywood Week, I was not surprised.

  But Goofy and his squishy-faced grin sure was. He tried begging the judges for another chance. They weren’t interested. So he decides to start belting out a tune instead of walking out the door like the other crying and destroyed people. Bad move. And poor little whatever her name is that did make it through, you could tell that she was not impressed with how he was acting, practically running out the door to hide behind Ryan.

  I’m going to venture that they’ve already broken up. Just sayin.

7. The Diana Ross Syndrome doesn’t work for me.

  And now I’m talking about the girl who first auditioned with the silver stars hanging from her ta-ta’s. I don’t care how good you might be, there’s no need for jumbo-size accessories on your hooters. But the judges waved her through to Hollywood, possibly concerned that she might have Ninja skills and could cut their heads off with one throw. Next thing you know, Star Tits is onstage in Hollywood, and proceeds to trash everybody and promising to show how it’s really done. (Instantly hated her even more with that mess.)

  So Star T launches into her solo, and you’d think that Jesus Himself was trying to rip his way out of her diaphragm. I’ll admit the girl has pipes, but she doesn’t really know how to use them, and that overly-dramatic crap where she clutched the convenient stair-railing and nearly threw her legs over her head was way beyond necessary. Still, the judges kept her alive for now, so they only have themselves to blame when she tries to sleep with Berry Gordy and get Jennifer Lopez kicked out of the group. Yes, there IS a mountain high enough, and I don’t want to climb THAT one.

8. I’ve never really cared for people doing back-flips while waiting to audition.

  And this time, some dude landed on an idiot cameraman that was lying on the floor and trying to capture the airborne lunacy. Serves him right. Now quit doing that crap. This is a singing competition, not the Summer Olympics.

9. Some people are not good losers.

  What’s up with sobbing uncontrollably and becoming a she-devil when you don’t make it? I understand that you’re a little disappointed, and therefore it’s probably not a good day. But come ON. There’s no need to reenact scenes from “The Exorcist” when you get the bad news. Is it really going to help matters if you cuss everybody out, destroy public property, and physically attack the production staff? I think not. Just take your ass home, accept that your dreams have been destroyed, and turn to alcohol. That’s what responsible people do.

10. The dreaded “group performance” segment of Hollywood Week can rip apart your soul.

  This extravaganza is coming up, wherein random people are forced together and must come up with something judge-pleasing that still gives each individual a chance to shine. As we’ve seen so many times, people completely lose their minds during this bit. Talented folks get run over by the Idiot Train, and we often end up with an amazing wreck of madness that stuns the senses.

  I can’t wait.

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