Monday, February 21, 2011

10 Reasons Why Playing Cityville Is Just Like Real Life

1. You never have enough money or energy to do what you really want.

You open up the game excitedly, all ready to have loads of fun, and you start clicking here and there and doing this and that. Two minutes late your resources are completely drained and you haven’t accomplished ANY of your goals. The deluxe mansion is only half built because you ran out of energy, so you basically wasted your money since none of the overly-happy, jumping little people can move in yet. You only have 3 coins left, so you don’t have enough money to buy that municipal building that everybody is screaming about and refusing to move to your town because you don’t have a freakin’ post office yet.

And all those stupid trees that you don’t want? They’re everywhere, usually right where you want to build the miniature sanitarium for the crazy people that you know are on that bus that just pulled up from out of town. It costs energy to whack down those trees, and we’ve already proven that the game people don’t give you enough of that. So you have to kill the trees slowly, waiting for the little clock to tick away and another energy bolt to become yours. Kill the tree. Wait. Kill the tree. Wait. (We might want to go ahead and make a reservation at that sanitarium.)

2. The really good stuff is WAY too expensive.

Anything decent and cute costs billions of game dollars. So instead of buying the really cool skyscraper with the working elevator or the impressive restaurant tower, you can only afford the crappy, low-income cottages that only hold 3 people (you’d have to buy 700 of these to actually make some decent money, and you don’t have enough land) and the few people who are bothering to live in your disgusting village with the tar-paper shacks only have two choices for food: hot dogs from that tiny vendor or a tree.

Speaking of the land, buying new squares gets really pricey really fast. Sure, they lure you in at first, practically giving the land away for a few pennies. But once you start getting some decent acreage, the cost skyrockets. I’m up to 500,000 coins for a single new square. Really? I’ll have to collect rent for 3 months before I can get some more sod in this town. I should march myself down to the tiny capitol building and kick the animated butt of those greedy senators. Bring the cost of living down or I am NOT voting for you in the next pretend election.

3. It’s boring watching crops grow.

You have to have goods in this game if you plan to get anywhere. So you have to plant. And then you sit there, tapping your finger on the mouse, waiting for the dang watermelons to pop their asses out of the ground so you can snatch them up, race to supply the Italian restaurant, wait some more for the little ant people to sing and dance their way to the restaurant, finally collect the cash when enough medicated citizens have eaten there, and then go make a small down payment on the cruise ship that you have to buy to complete the next task. Repeat this process roughly 1.73 gazillion times. God.

4. Real estate is a risky investment.

I’m talking about the crappy squares of land that abut the railroad tracks. They cost the same amount as the other squares, but you lose a third of the acreage to the damn railroad. This is soul-killing, especially when you eventually get bored with sending off the cute little train and never use the station again. My advice? Buy up these squares when they are still relatively cheap. It is going to destroy your sanity later in the game if you pay a premium price and then can only fit 4 measly houses on the new purchase. (Oh, and maybe some livestock, because if you plant as many carrots as I do, you’re going to end up with enough gray bunnies to repopulate the world, and you gotta put ‘em somewhere.)

5. Some of the things you have to do in life are just pointless.

The “tasks” can be inane. I don’t care that the new doctor in town is sweet on Sally Sue, who apparently works in the bridal salon and schemes to snag new meat when it rolls down the street. I’m not interested in whether or not their relationship works out. Seriously. So why does he expect me to locate 6 boxes of chocolates for his new squeeze? He’s a doctor, people. He makes enough money to buy his own inventory, I don’t need him stealing from mine. Bastard.

And the payout for being his source of goodies? 2 experience points. TWO. I’m at level 66. The number of points I need to get to the next level is bigger than the national budget. Two lousy points does not excite me in any way.

6. You can’t always get what you want.

Why can’t we build more interesting retail establishments, like brothels and crack houses? This would be a hoot. And if the little, fake children bopping and skipping about learn at an early age that there are certain parts of town you should not visit until after puberty, they are going to be more responsible citizens and better at budget management…

7. Some people have moral issues with allowing certain franchise outlets in their town.

I named my Laundromat “Scrub and Twirl”, thinking this was cute and catchy. Apparently, some of my more conservative neighbors felt this appellation was too indicative of a tawdry place where gay people might gather to clean and dance, and this was just not acceptable, denying my franchise request. And you can imagine the reaction to calling my shoe store “Pumps Galore” and the coffee shop “Steamy Goodness”. They must think my little village is a hotbed of sin and degradation. Which it is, just not in the town square or within one inch of the school districts. I have my standards.

8. Who needs enemies with friends like this?

I’m talking about YOU, poachy little neighbors that are constantly sending “help me” requests ,but never take my own needs into consideration and send ME what I ask for. The name of my town is not Charityville. Do the right thing and pay it forward. Or at least send me more Zoning Permits. I always need those. A couple batteries wouldn’t kill ya, either.

(And quit clicking on my low-rent housing when you stop by. I know you get the same amount of cash regardless of the building you click on, but I get the actual rent amount. Find one of my ritzy sectors and bang away on the mansions. It’s the right thing to do.)

9. Are they EVER going to open “Beach Town”?


10. Some people are just poor city planners.

I quite enjoy visiting some towns where people have actually designed little neighborhoods, with pleasing colors and pleasant coordination all fitting a theme. Then you run across other hoods, and see something like this lined up along the same street: a mansion, a hardware store, two unrelated trees, a hot dog stand, another mansion, three unplowed plots of land, a fountain, a house that’s not even connected to the power grid, and a cow.

Really? Girl, please. Tear that mess down and start over. You’ll be glad you did…

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