Saturday, February 5, 2011

15 Ways to Celebrate the Glorious Melting of the Snow in Dallas

1. Actually open the front door.

  Oh, look! There’s Mr. Porch! Remember him? I missed him. He’s so nice most of the time. Except when his ass is covered in ice and he wants to shatter your skull on the sidewalk. Then I don’t really care for him.

2. Listen to the snow water running off the roof.

  It’s a very life-affirming sound, that dripping and gushing. The terrible ordeal is almost over. Yay! Of course, because of that sound, I’ve also felt the urge to pee for the last three hours solid. But I’ll happily deal with an overly-stimulated bladder rather than another day of rolling blackouts and having to look at the same stupid family members again. God I can’t stand them right now. Said with undying love.

3. Watch regular programming on TV.

  Dear Channel 5 News People. Thank you so much for all your efforts. I’m sure it takes a tremendous amount of work showing us the same slippery patch of highway where 46 cars did an impromptu line dance, over and over, as well as constantly reminding us that it’s cold outside. I think I understand now. We had a severe winter storm. I wouldn’t have known this without the weather man repeatedly showing us his radar so I could comprehend what that white stuff is out there covering the ground. Now, could I possibly watch a show that doesn’t have you people in it?

4. Take off the 27 layers of thermal underwear and that atrocious sweater that smells like cat.

  Really. It’s time.

5. Stop being afraid of the terrifying, deadly snow monsters in the backyard.

  It’s just the lawn furniture. See the chair arm sticking out of that slowly-dwindling hill that you were convinced was a Yeti with unfriendly intentions? It’s not going to kill you after all! Wait, why does that chair seem closer to the house than it was before? OMG! Maybe it isn’t safe after-

6. Get reacquainted with your car.

  That thing under the no-longer-groaning carport? It’s a vehicle. You can get in one of those things and drive places. No, really, I’m serious. Run fetch one of your photo albums, and I’m sure you’ll find a snapshot of people thinking they look cool while tooling around in one, the wind blowing through a hairdo that never should have been approved. Just concentrate really hard and it will all come back to you. Promise.

  7. Get revenge.

  Calmly pull out the license number that you jotted down after that complete idiot ran you off the road because they don’t understand ice or life in general, make a call to your secret contact in the Department of Motor Vehicles (the one that you almost slept with one night after some particularly evil tequila, but thankfully didn’t), obtain the home address of said idiot, make your way to his house, find him watching football while sitting in his underwear, and then beat the hell out of him with an ice scraper. As a further sign of your appreciation, release the parking brake on his truck and shove it into a ditch. Leave the ice scraper on the seat.

  8. Enjoy the pleasing rays of that warm, buttery ball in the sky.

  It’s not the sun, but that’s okay. It’s the fiery remnants of the nuclear device they had to explode in order to get this damn ice to melt. Yes, there might be some icky radiation fallout, but it’s a small price to pay to see the ground again. When you leave the house, just wear long sleeves, a nice hat, and some SPF 3,500. You’ll be fine. As an added bonus, you won’t need a nightlight anymore.

9. Revel in the sensation of your testicles finally descending.

  And ladies, you won’t have to hear any more jokes about how leaving the hi-beams on all the time will run the battery down. (Yes, I went there. Life is messy.)

10. Allow yourself a cleansing moment of cruelty.

  Call a friend or relative who is still snowed-in. Laugh maniacally and hang up. Share this post on their Facebook wall. Then block them.

11. Go streaking.

  Why not? Things really need to be aired out at this point.

12. Go eat at an actual restaurant.

  No more reheated chili! No more steaming soup that was delicious on the first day of the freeze but that you totally detested by the fourth day. No more eating sandwiches because actually turning on the stove runs the risk of another freakin’ rolling blackout.

13. Stop listening to local newscasters fretting about whether or not people can make it to the Super Bowl in Arlington because of the weather.

  I. Don’t. Care. Seriously. If you can afford a $5,000 ticket, you can afford to pay for the counseling you’ll need if you don’t make it.

14. Have Dorothy throw icy water on Sarah Palin.

  If she melts, then the rumors are true. (She can fly over Russia from her house!)

15.  Put your house on the market.

  There’s got to be some place where it doesn’t snow.

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