Friday, May 4, 2012

25 Things That Scotch the Cat Is Probably Thinking In This Picture

1. “I am king of this box. And my rule will be unstoppable.”

2. “Why is that fool asking me to smile? Like I know what that means.”

3. “Please don’t come at me with that feather-on-a-stick thing.”

4. “Someone said there would be food in here. They must die for their deception.”

5. “How long are we going to sit on the runway before this thing takes off? And where are my peanuts?”

6. “If you don’t go away in the next three seconds, I will cut you.”

7. “I have no knowledge of how that hairball managed to appear in the hallway. Swear.”

8. “I’d like to have a word with you about what I just found in your nightstand.”

9. “At least this box is always here for me and doesn’t go away on ‘vacation’ like you do.”

10. “I shall now perform my mystifying trick of scratching at the absolute nothingness in the bottom of this box for a solid 30 minutes until you snap.”

11. “Let’s revisit this thing about me only getting wet food once a week.”

12. “I like pie.”

13. “I do too have a perfectly good reason for thundering from one end of the house to the other and then jumping halfway up the wall. I’m just not allowed to share critical information with someone who has your crappy level of security clearance.”

14. “I will not be returning your remote control until the other horrid cat in this house is forced to live somewhere else.”

15. “I find it highly amusing when you are walking down a darkened hallway and then you do the funny dance when you think you are stepping on my tail but it’s really one of my 47 cat toys. Please do that some more.”

16. “Speaking of, there’s really no reason why I can’t have fifty toys. Or even more. You know how easily those things lose their charm. But I can still tell you exactly where every single one of them is at this very moment.”

17. “We’ve talked about this. I’m not allowed to show you any affection or they will take away one of my merit badges.”

18. “I now have feline seniority in this house. Don’t expect me to give that up easily.”

19. “Notice that green plastic thing on the couch to my right. It used to float. Now it does not. That’s just one of my many powers.”

20. “I will no longer fall for your deceptive practice of luring me with a kitty treat and then shoving a pill down my throat. Those days are over.”

21. “I am waiting for you to lay back on the couch so I can knead your belly with my claws that should have been trimmed a week ago, but you will endure the pain because you love me and I have no idea that I’m ripping you to shreds.”

22. “I greatly enjoy the expression on your face when I leap onto the bed in the middle of the night and land in your crotch. Gets me every time.”

23. “Yes, my eyes are glowing. Most humans fail to understand the meaning of this until it’s too late.”

24. “It doesn’t matter what I’ve done, I can always flop on the floor and do that roll-and-stretch thing, making me so adorably cute that all is forgiven.”

25. “It all goes back to the day when my berries went missing. Are you still claiming that you have no knowledge of how that went down?”

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