Friday, May 25, 2012

10 Ways To Reduce The Impact Of Stupid People In Your Life

1. If you can’t correctly spell the protest slogan on your sign, you should not be allowed to attend the demonstration and manage to appear on TV.

  Unless, of course, that demonstration is an awareness-raising rally wherein you are representing Exhibit A in “what happens when ignorant yokels don’t pay attention in school and opt instead to attend white-supremacy marches and practice inbreeding”.

2. Children should not be allowed to scream and throw food in a public.

  We get enough of that during Republican presidential primaries.

3. TV networks should not be allowed to cancel a series until the season is OVER.

  And TV producers should make sure they end the season with a satisfying “get to the point” episode, just in case. (Side note to producers: Do NOT let the main characters decide that having another baby would be fun unless you are ready for the show to end. It’s a proven fact that viewers love watching established relationships, but not the pointless conception angle. See: Mad About You, Growing Pains, Roseanne, etc.)

4. Contestants on Survivor should not be allowed to whine when they get blind-sided.

  You stupidly believed an obvious lie and now you’re going home. Suck it up and grab your torch. Have you not seen this show before?

5. Radio stations should not be allowed to play the same song over and over until it makes people scream.

  Try playing something else for a change, like a song that isn’t by Lady Gaga or Adele. (I like them both, but I’m more than aware that they were born that way and they can set fire to the rain. Let’s hear about somebody else’s skill set for a change.)

6. The makers of low-fat frozen dinners should not create products that taste like week-old oatmeal left on the back porch.

  People are much more content if the things they stick in their mouths make them happy. And let’s stop using so much sodium to disguise the fact that all the yummy fat has been sucked out of the entrée. There’s enough salt in some of those to make a certain city in Utah a little jealous.

7. People should not be allowed to interrupt your daily domestic routine.

  There are hordes of zombies out there who are roaming the neighborhoods and think nothing of wandering up your sidewalk and banging on your door, proffering pointless products or brochures about suspect charities that are probably gang-based. Ignore the doorbell and continue watching Ellen.

8. If you don’t know the background of every single candidate on the ballot, you really shouldn’t be voting.

  Seriously. Do your own research. Don’t let others do it for you.

9. If you can’t back up what you’re saying with unquestionable evidence, you shouldn’t be allowed to say anything on a news program.

  I hope the government has enough unemployment forms for people on the Fox network. Oh wait, they don’t believe in government handouts, at least not while a Democrat is in the White House. They should be fine, then.

10. If you can’t immediately understand my problem when I call your supposed help desk, you shouldn’t be allowed to answer the phone.

  I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do your job. You should be telling me, in a clear and concise manner, exactly what I need to do in order to have a better life with the product or service that your company sold me. If this expectation is beyond your training and/or conceptual grasping, we have an issue, one that can easily be resolved by you pulling your head out, finding somebody who doesn’t have focus issues, and tendering your resignation.

  But I’m not bitter. And hey, the free time that you now have will allow you to work on that poster you wanted to make for the racist rally you’re attending later tonight. Say hi to Rush and Glenn and Ann for me, okay?

Peace in.


  1. Love it! Amen to #10! Thanks, Brian!

    1. Hi Stitchy,

      Yep, number 10 holds a special place in my heart... ;)