Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Live Blog #3 - Further Tales of Debauchery and Random Thoughts

Once again we invade Tierney’s Bar and Grill, intent on proving our worth to society whilst relaxing with a beverage or two…

4:40p  We’re still in the parking lot, and Suctionnetta bangs out the front door of the bar, screaming hello to everyone except me. Then he glares in my direction, makes a face, and then spits: “I read the blog!”

4:42p  It’s going to be a long night if Suctionetta is our server.

4:43p  We clamor inside and claim our favorite table, then glance around to see who will be serving us. Apparently this is still being decided, so we get a temp server. As long as she can carry a draft beer, I really don’t care.

4:45p  Apiphany tells the “death of Pinky” story one more time. Because the 49 previous versions didn’t quite paint the scene correctly.

4:53p  Sage and Gin-and-Tonika arrive. We are officially a party of six at this point.

4:55p  We get assigned our official server, whose name is Baldwin. Apiphany mentions that she is relatively new, and we might have to break her in. My eyes sparkle at the idea.

4:49p  Gin-and-Tonika, who used to work with Apiphany and I, requests an update on the old gang. Apiphany, because talking is her specialty, launches into intimate and intricate details about everyone we have ever known. You don’t care, keep reading.

5:04p  Finally, Apiphany: “I’m sure there’s other news. I just can’t think of anything.” Thank God.

5:05p  I realize that my right shoe is stuck to the floor. This is odd. I investigate, and learn that something red  and gooey is anchoring my foot to the concrete. I whine, and Gin-and-Tonika immediately provides a napkin. So there I am, scraping the bottom of my shoe, because I’m classy like that.

5:07p  As a celebration of my newfound cleanliness, Gin-and-Tonika scoots around in her chair, causing it to make an odd squeaking noise. People stare. Oh come on, it’s a bar. You know there’s been squeaking in this place before.

5:11p  There’s a small child trying to play the video poker machine. It’s nice when youngsters work on their vocational skills.

5:11p  Some guy comes by offering free tickets for the House of Blues. They are for a concert that starts in two hours. Any takers? This is so beyond anything we expected to encounter that we really don’t know what to say. Except Apiphany: “Everybody I know is already at this table.”

5:13p  Apiphany tells the guy (apparently they are buds) that he has to have an alias so we can mention him in the blog. He is flummoxed by this announcement. So we’ll call him …Ticket Dude.

5:17p  Tex: “The contractor they were originally going to use is from Gun Barrel City.” This leads into an explanation of the soul-crushing difficulties we have had concerning the installation of a new dishwasher. Again, the details are not important, but suffice it to say that there is no longer any morality in the business world.

5:20p  Apiphany: “I don’t think there’s any appetizer on the menu that I haven’t had.” Then she takes a swig of beer and belches.

5:21p  Apiphany: “I think it’s time for music.”

5:21p  Does she mean more of the belching? Exactly where did she grow up? Oh, that’s right. Missouri. Music composed from body noises is quite common there.

5:23p  Bitsy: “Twice in one night.” (No idea.)

5:23p  Me: “Well, we’ve been letting our jungle grow.”

5:24p  Suctionetta, vying for our attention even though he is currently stationed elsewhere, shows Apiphany his wallet. It has a blue mouth of some kind on it. Possibly the Cookie Monster? Seriously. Not really sure what this means, or why he would have something like that.

5:25p  Anastasia arrives. Baldwin, our official server, races up to see how Anastasia can be satisfied. Baldwin is off to a good start. This will probably make Suctionetta cry, but serving competitions are brutal, and he will just have to get used to it. And stop showing us accessories that don’t make any sense.

5:27p  Apiphany and Tex are studying the jukebox, attempting to bless us with stunning musical selections. Of course, Lady Gaga is the first thing out of the box. Go figure. This brings Suctionetta running from the mysterious section where he is stationed. Now there are three people working on this music thing. Really? Is it THAT hard?

5:32p  Apparently. They’re all still over there.

5:33p  Suctionetta is suddenly serving our table. Well, that’s nice. Anastasia orders a rum and coke. Suctionetta interprets this as “Michelob Ultra.” Oh my. In the interests of fair play, I let Suctionetta know that this faux pas is going in the blog. He glares at me and announces that he’s not scared. Apparently it’s going to be a long road before Suctionetta and I are family again, singing about having all our sisters with us and throwing glitter on the dance floor.

5:36p  Apiphany: “The obligatory ‘Comfortably Numb’ is playing.” She says this with slight sarcasm. Honey, you PICKED this music. Don’t throw a brick and run.

5:38p  Suctionetta: “I didn’t get to go to my hair appointment because of that damn dog.”

5:42p  First trip to the bathroom. Happily, I have developed the right skills to avoid setting off the evil paper towel dispenser until I’m ready for it to do so. Sadly, I still have super glue on the bottom of my shoe, and give the appearance of having severe coordination issues. I am not destined to retain my dignity this evening.

5:44p  Gin-And-Tonika:  “I even had sweat down my ass crack. That was nasty.”

5:44p  Apiphany:  “Being moist on vacation can be nice, but not in that way.”

5:46p  Apiphany: “He called me a DIVA today. Can you believe it?:”

5:46p  Yes.

5:48p  Apiphany: “Valet parking at a bowling alley?”

5:49p  The mating rituals are already taking place at the long bar that lines the room. It’s not even six o’clock. Are these people serious? Do they not get Cinemax?

5:50p  Baldwin swoops through on another comfort check. She’s still getting points.

5:51p  Now these people are talking about movies. I’m trying not to listen, because I haven’t seen most of them and don‘t want to know how they end. I tried telling them this, but they don’t care. My friends are fun, but they really aren’t concerned with keeping me happy. I hate them sometimes.

5:52p  Blinda arrives. Eight of us are now crammed around a table for six. Elbows are banging and random breasts are getting in my way. Sadly, this happens all the time.

5:55p  Suctionetta runs by, bellowing something about mud wrestling. If anybody at this table suggests my name I will cut them.

5:57p  Shout out to the world. The appetizers at Tierney’s Bar and Grill in Lewisville, Texas really are the best. Scrumptious. Now where the hell is my free beer?

5:58p  Anybody? The free beer thing?

5:59p  Sigh.

6:00p  Elton John on the jukebox. This is a fine and wonderful thing. Well, he’s not really ON the jukebox, as in physically present and wearing something sparkly. But you know what I mean.

6:03p  Somebody just walked by me who is complete proof that hell is full and the dead are walking the earth.

6:04p  I reach for the final catfish strip on Apiphany’s plate, and I manage to drop it mid-transport. This failblog business is really getting on my nerves. Why can’t my motor skills and my desires in life just get along?

6:10p  Taking a short break. Gin-and-Tonika wants to read the last Live Blog to see what kind of legal quagmire we might be in here.

6:20p  And we’re back, although I don’t know for how long. It’s pouring rain outside, the satellite signal is gone on the TV’s (although many of the patrons don’t realize this and think the bouncing “DirectTV” logo is some modified version of “Pong”) and my wi-fi stick keeps dropping the Internet. We might be in the dark very shortly.

6:20p  But no one really cares. The beer should still stay cold for a while if we lose power.

6:25p  Apiphany’s phone, discarded on the seat beside me, starts buzzing. Since Apiphany is across the bar making more dastardly decisions about the jukebox, I glance down in case important people are calling. It’s Delta Jo, who is supposedly headed our way. So I answer, even though this is not quite protocol. Delta Jo is lost, cruising the city streets in search of Tierney’s. She has directional questions. I’m not from this area, and panic slightly. Luckily, Apiphany has abandoned the jukebox and is heading our way. I throw the phone at her and bellow that Delta Jo is lost. Then I don’t worry about it anymore, because it’s no longer my problem.

6:32p  Potato-chip coated chicken strips at Tierney’s. Orgasmic. Shout-out number two. Still waiting on that free beer. I might possibly be misunderstanding something about this back-scratching arrangement.

6:36p  Delta Jo arrives, having survived the nightmare of travel to unfamiliar destinations. We all scream out welcomes and then go back to whatever we were doing. With this crowd, you have to fight for attention.

6:40p  There is devil talk about upcoming live music on the patio. With this pouring rain? Don’t really see that happening.

6:42p  Gin-and-Tonika is taking off, some crap about having to work in the morning. This is code for “you people are boring the hell out of me and I’m going to go watch HGTV”. Kisses, hugs, and then there were eight.

6:44p  Delta Jo is relating some type of shopping experience involving a competition. I don’t really understand, and I don’t ask for clarification.

6:45p  There’s somebody in a cowboy hat standing at our table, talking to Blinda. I don’t know him. She probably doesn’t either, but the fact that he is breathing makes him a potential love interest.

6:52p  Apiphany: “Comedy’s different when you’re drunk.”

6:53p  Delta Jo: “Circus clowns are pathetic.”

6:54p  I’m guessing Blinda is very familiar with the current song on the jukebox, because she’s bellowing the lyrics like it’s a prayer meeting and the offering plate is coming around.

6:55p  General discussion concerning an unclear parking lot behind the building. Several people seem to be very invested in the outcome. I’ve already parked, and so have all these other people, so I don’t really get the concern. We have oil balls on the Texas beaches, folks, can we get some focus.

7:02p  Apiphany: “Why am I just now noticing some of the things on the wall in this place. I live here. Why did I not see this before?”

7:02p  Me: “Because it’s not directly about you. You don’t pay any attention unless your name is on it.”

7:04p  Delta Jo: “If you get re-married and your in-laws don’t change, you might be a redneck.” This is a reference to someone in her immediate family. I don’t dig for details. Ignorance keeps you out of the court system. Usually.

7:06p  Me: “Speaking of birds, whatever happened to Robert Blake?”

7:08p  Something is really wrong with Blinda’s hair. It might be the weather, or it might be a styling choice. Or maybe she fell. I’ll report back later.

7:11  Tex: “Seriously…. Rain, a marble floor, and foam flip-flops? What were you thinking?

7:12p  Raucous discussion about the preceding event, which took place in Paris during our disastrous attempt to gain some culture. (You can click Here for all the sordidness surrounding the emotional and legal troubles that resulted from our ignorance.)

7:15p  Really, these people are going crazy as Tex, Apiphany and myself share the shining moments of a certain van ride in the south of France. It’s really funny, now. I thought I was going to die when it happened. No joke. Near death, several times.

7:16p  Another surprise appearance from Suctionetta. This turns into a rap session about Madonna’s “Sex” book from back in the day. Suctionetta announces that he was in the 10th grade when he got his copy. Geez. When that book came out, I’d already given birth to several children, served time in a mental institution, and made several quilts out of Confederate nurses’ uniforms. I’m old. Young, inexperienced people get on my nerves.

7:26p  Delta Jo astounds us with the revelation that Mark Knopfler wrote “Private Dancer”. There is general disbelief. I hop on the Net, and lo and behold, she right. Wow. I think this might be the most important thing to come out of this evening. Which is sad, when you think about it.

7:28p  In a darker moment, we analyze why John Denver didn’t just pay someone else to fly that damn hang glider thing. He had the money.

7:30p  Apiphany: “What is going ON at the end of the table?”

7:31p  Apiphany:  “I am NOT bowling with coconuts.”

7:32p  Bitsy returns from somewhere with a smile on her face. Has she been to Mexico?

7:33p  That Journey song playing on the jukebox? If it doesn’t end soon, somebody’s going down.

7:34p  Delta Jo: “I’m going to put a roll of duct tape on my mouth.” Then she tries to crush my fingers to I can’t type this little tidbit. I fight her off and triumph.

7:35p. Apiphany. Camera. Mayhem.

7:36p  The owner of the bar just snuggled with Blinda. Both of them are lying.

7:37p  I might need some more appetizers. I’m feeling much happier than my current life events should allow, and perhaps I should stem the flow of alcohol a bit.

7:38p  I still have one swig left in my draft beer glass, but Baldwin rushes up immediately to see if I need more. Want more? Yes. Need more? Probably not a good idea, since I’m contemplating having sex with anyone wearing a blue shirt.

7:40p  Apiphany: “I’m gonna go get a fresh five.”

7:41p  Bitsy: “The one that was sleeping in the back all the time?”

7:41p  Delta Jo: “Somebody came by and said it’s Derek’s birthday and there’s cake and all.” Delta Jo is drinking Jack Daniels, so little value is placed on her statement.

7:42p  “Suspicious Minds” is on the jukebox. Another fine and wonderful thing.

7:47p  Just returned from another lovely trip to the bathroom. Some guy was at the single urinal, so I had to tinkle in the toilet stall, which just never feels right. The whole time I’m adjusting clothing and directing my spray, the guy at the urinal never moves. I go through my end-of-mission shutdown routine, still nothing from Lurch at the porcelain. He might be dead. I should probably report this to somebody, but I’m really not in the mood for questions from authorities.

7:50p  Delta Jo: “White high heels and shorts when you’re over 60? Never.”

7:51p  Delta Jo:  “Possibly I WAS abused as a child and just don’t remember.”

7:55p  Apiphany: “We drank Strawberry Hill behind the skating rink when I was in seventh grade.” This explains EVERYTHING.

7:57p  Anastasia is smiling far more than a normal person should.

7:58p  I think Sage just threw a biscuit on the floor. This might have been a misunderstanding on my part.

7:59p  The rain appears to have stopped. At least on the outside.

8:01p  A salt shaker just flew through the air and crashed to the ground. Anastasia calmly picks it up and sets it on the counter. Her courtesy goes unrewarded, because these people are so unfocused there could be a military coup and no one would look up.

8:03p  Me: “I just lost half my cherry somewhere.”

8:05p  Delta Jo: “There’s an island in the south Caribbean where there’s only forty people, and everybody’s happy. It’s called ‘Happy Island’! I saw it on Anthony Bourdain. I’d marry him.”

8:12p  Half the table is singing along to Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive.” We have talentz.

8:15p  Lolo arrives. We are now officially occupying half of the bar.

8:18p  Bitsy: “His face was really distorted.”

8:19p  Delta Jo: “All I heard was ‘Critter has a brother’. Now I know why you blog what you do.”

8:20p  Taking another break. Grilled shrimp has arrived.

8:35p Methinks the Live Blog might be wrapping up pretty soon. Too much beer, too many people talking, and there’s a general air of non-caring. We’ll see.

8:38p  Another restroom visit. My companion in the stall spent the entire time trying to decipher the mystical lock on the stall door. When I left, he was still fiddling with it. Dude, why did you even need to lock the door? Whatever you’ve got can’t be that impressive, or you wouldn’t be living in Lewisville, Texas. Just sayin.

8:40p  Sage: “I have to do sign language now because I’m going deaf.” Wow. What’s going on over there?

8:42p  Me: “You know, I need another Excedrin, because this is just turning into a night to remember.”

8:43p  Apiphany;  “I think I just snorted.” Then she falls out of her chair.

8:44p  Tex, Bitsy, and Anastasia are laughing hysterically and slapping at each other. Instinct tells me that I really don’t want to know.

8:46p  Somebody dressed like a rapper just walked in. Is he lost?

8:49p  The bar is really crowded now. People are yelling to be heard. These people all just need to leave so it can be quiet again. I can pay for my tab. Can they?

8:53p  Bitsy: “Is the music still playing?”

8:53p  It is, but we can’t hear it, because Blinda is talking to somebody named Chucky who doesn’t understand “indoor voice”. He’s bellowing. About boring crap. This man needs to die. I think he’s from South Carolina, which explains a lot, but not everything.

8:57p  Delta Jo: “If he was in Hong Kong, he’d already be dead.”

9:09p  Delta Jo entertains us by miming the loud, irritating, arm-waving Chucky at the end of the table. She’s very good. Mesmerized, we actually forget about our beers for three seconds.

9:11p  Wild Jenno joins our dysfunctional family, looking stunning because people who have just become engaged (shout out to soon-to-be-hubby Tank) always glow from within even in darkened bars where questionable people lurk. She takes one look at Chucky, immediately realizes that he is a sociopath, and runs to hide behind Sage, quivering. She doesn’t say much for a very long time, so the trauma was pretty severe.

9:12p  I text Blinda, asking her if Chucky has an off button. She doesn’t even glance at her vibrating phone, instead choosing to gaze adoringly upon Chucky’s face, which is all purple because he has to yell everything. If these two somehow manage to produce children, the world will end.

9:18p  Seriously, Chucky must not understand how seriously close to death he is at this moment.

9:19p  Delta Jo: “Life is messy. And once you get messy, it stays messy.”

9:28p  Wow. The guy singing live is pretty good. Yep, we’re about done with the Live Blog.

9:59p  I ordered more shrimp, because that seemed like the right thing to do.

10:01p  Chucky is finally yawning. Please God, take him now.

10:12p  There’s a commotion. Something about someone losing a ring. This ends with me crawling under the table to retrieve jewelry. I have so many talents. Sadly, most of them don’t mean a thing.

10:37p  Oh look, the “low battery” indicator is blinking on my netbook. Thank God. I can finally close this thing and run my bar tab even higher. Trying to be witty for 6 hours can make you very thirsty. Cheers.

End Trans.

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