Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Live Blog #2 - The Madness Continues

And here we are once again at Tierney’s Bar and Grill, with my peeps piled around me as I try to capture the camaraderie and witty banter. Names have been changed to protect the legally vulnerable, and no animals were knowingly harmed during the production…

6:13p  Wow, lots more people here this time. Not sure that I really care for this. It’s much more satisfying when we are the only folks here and the staff is fawning over us like we have gold teeth that can be wrenched out when we get distracted.

6:15p Apiphany: “Delta Jo said it’s not pretty when Aunt Flo visits her.” (Well, then. It didn’t take long for the conversation to veer into squirmy territory, now did it? I start to clench and get short of breath (not the plumbing stories, anything but that!), but, thankfully, another round arrives and we leave behind the commentary on monthly visitations from euphemistic family members. Whew.)

6:17p  Apiphany has a pile of wing bones on a plate in front of her. Guess the girl was hungry.

6:20p  Blinda: “Kristen Stewart has a wolf for a pet.”

6:20p  Apiphany: “I’m gonna have to take a gas pill.”

6:20p  Me: “I’m gonna have to take a lot of things.”

6:21p  Apiphany: “Gas-X saved my life one time. I thought I was gonna die. Then I popped that little green pill and I saw Jesus.”

6:23p  Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl” just came on the jukebox. It doesn’t matter where you are, this is always a fine and wonderful thing to happen. But the beer really enhances the moment.

6:24p  Our server tonight is Sassy. She is proving to be stunningly efficient, meaning that previous server Suctionetta may be lowered in the rankings. There could be social wars because of this. Stay tuned.

6:25p  Blinda:  “I’ll go in there and there’ll be a piece of cheese with a bite out of it.”

6:27p  Apiphany:  “The beer in Missouri tastes so much better.”

6:29p  Apiphany: “Is there something going on tonight that’s geriatric? Are they going to play Bingo later?”

6:30p  Apiphany:  “Susan texted me that she had a dream last night where I was playing the accordion.”

6:30p  Yes, Apiphany can be quite the chatter box, with a rapid-fire delivery that is astonishing and slightly unnerving. Auctioneers speak of her with worship and reverence.

6:32p Apiphany: “Tommy said I wanna see a picture of the sweaty girls.”

6:34p  Blinda: “I don’t want ‘em to see my mouth.”

6:35p  I’m already on my third draft beer. It seems I’m going for some type of prize.

6:36p  Apiphany:  “This is so many kinds of wrong but I don’t want to delete it.”

6:36p  Sage arrives, bringing me an extra pack of cigarettes. I suddenly love him more than life itself. We tight.

6:38p  Sage: “I’m not the pole dancer, but that’s alright.”

6:38p  Apiphany:  “I cut off like three inches.”

6:39p  Sage: “You got, like, a lit-up mouse over there.”

6:39p  Sassy the server is doing something busy with some extra chairs near us. Are we about to have a prayer meeting? Is that why all the old people are here?

6:40p  Apiphany: “There are things up around the square that have been there for forty years.”

6:41p  Sassy wants to know if I’m ready for another beer. Since it takes me a minute to remember that my name is Brian and she is talking to me, I decline for the moment.

6:42p  Apiphany: “I almost fell. It was fun.”

6:44p  Blinda: “None of us want to think that we’re as old as we are.”

6:45p  Apiphany: “He had the fortitude to pull over and get off the bike.”

6:46p  Blinda: “So they dumped him at CVS?”

6:47p  I really need to use the bathroom, but I’m scared of that demonic paper towel dispenser that so troubled me the last time I was here. Life’s too short to risk discomfort with automated hygiene contraptions.

6:48p  Sassy just asked me if I would like some water or something. Perhaps she has realized that I have been slugging the beers down rather quickly. (Maybe if I put my clothes back on my condition won’t be so obvious.) I graciously accept the non-alcoholic beverage.

6:50p  Sage is now talking about going on voodoo tours in New Orleans. Did you know that Marie Laveau’s house burned down in the early 1900’s? She was some high priestess that really knew what to do with spare roots, herbs and people who may have spoken about her in a disparaging manner.

6:53p  Sage: “You really have to wait for the body to decompose.”

6:54p  This inspires me to finally head to the possessed bathroom. I’m not sure what the connection might be. Details of my ordeal to follow.

6:58p  I lived. I think that’s enough detail.

7:00p  Apiphany just showed me a text from Suctionetta, threatening that he better be mentioned in this blog or else. I’m not sure what “or else” might entail. Is he going to hurl Lady Gaga CD’s at us as we dash to our cars?

7:03p  Sage: “We buy one of these, we gotta ship it.”

7:05p  Blinda: “Did you see Brad and Angelina come in?”

7:06p  Sage:  “You had your choice which one you wanted to ride.”

7:09p  Sassy is great. Love her. (Love Suctionetta, too, but he’s not serving us tonight so our immediate emotions are centered on Sassy.)

7:13p  Sage: “We saw this guy going back and forth with these really long things.”

7:17p  Sage: “He hadn’t taken a bath for days.”

7:19p  Blinda decides that she’s freezing to death, and wants people to turn off the ceiling fan over her. I glance around at the crowd surrounding us, gage that they will probably take our lives if the fan is turned off, and suggest that Blinda and I just trade places. There is considerable commotion as we carry out the swap. I think something got broken, but it wasn’t anything of mine, so I’m over it.

7:20p  Sassy: “We DON’T play musical chairs without MUSIC!” Then she scampers back into the kitchen to think of something else cute to say.

7:25p  Sage: “When you get those storage sheds, they turn into a nightmare.”

7:26p  Apiphany: “You knew that he didn’t have a home but he didn’t smell.”

7:28p  Sage: “They had a guy like that at the old Mary Kay building. He didn’t have pants, I guess.”

7:32p  Sassy just brought me a fresh plate for my appetizers and a stack of napkins, because everything is dripping in grease. She’s so attentive. I think I might have to go steady with her.

7:46p  There is a very intense discussion about exactly what type of steak Sage should order. Things get heated and two people are escorted from the building. We don’t really know them that well so we don’t care.

7:50p  Apiphany has her camera out. God save us all.

7:51p  Why is it that pictures of me always make me look like a child molester? Why? What did I do in a past life that has led to this?

7:52p  The jukebox is playing “Honky Tonk Women” by the Rolling Stones. We’re in Texas. Imagine that. Maybe somebody will shake things up and play “Weekend in New England” by Barry Manilow. Not counting on it, though.

7:55p  Sage: “They weren’t afraid to not serve me enough.” Perhaps I should have listened to more of his discourse to fully understand this statement.

7:57p  Sage: “And it came with mounds of cheese and mushrooms and onions.” I suddenly want to live wherever he’s talking about.

7:58p  The owner of the bar just walked up. He focuses on Blinda and Apiphany, because they are worshipped here. Sage and I are not, and the manager does not bother to look in our direction. We don’t have enough merit badges for full attention. Maybe someday we will be deemed worthy. It’s nice to have goals, so perhaps I will strive for formal recognition at a bar and grill in Lewisville, Texas. Dream big.

8:02p  Apiphany: “And I’ll be out there going ‘hayyyy’.” I don’t think her story involves a sexual activity, but possibly.

8:07p  Apiphany: “I really love your peaches and I want to shake your tree.” Okay, maybe it’s sexual after all. Or she just yearns to be a produce worker in Georgia.

8:08p  Sage’s steak arrived. It’s covered in caramelized onions and mushrooms. I may have to kill him and eat the steak. Sage is a good friend, but I have my priorities.

8:10p  Blinda: “Now I’m called Napkin Head.”

8:12p  Apiphany: “Does the colon really work like that?”

8:14p  While attempting to eat a fully-loaded nacho chip, Blinda screams out “That’s a really limp chip!” Seriously, she bellows this with surprising force. The sound waves cause me to spill melted cheese in my lap. Blinda must die. There’s no reason for bellowing or the disarray of food.

8:16p  Sassy presents Blinda with some garlic toast. I get a small piece to nibble. How can bread be so divine? I am totally missing out on something.

8:18p  Some folks are setting up on the stage, with the assumption that we are about to hear live music. They do something which causes a squeal of feedback. A very loud squeal. They also might have to die. This might become a house of slaughter and dissatisfaction, with innocent people trampled in the melee and perfectly good outfits being ruined.

8:22p There is a man at an adjoining table who is hooked up to an oxygen tank, yet he is smoking a cigarette. Is this why medical coverage is so expensive? Perhaps Obama can look into this.

8:24p  Just returned from the evil bathroom again. I avoided the death dispenser, but in doing so, with all that jostling, I became a victim of The Random Pee Stain. This is that horrifying social malfeasance men must endure wherein a spot appears in an unfortunate location on one’s pants. The only remedy is to take a paper towel and rub furiously, which is disconcerting for new arrivals to the bathroom who may surmise that you are taking pleasure when pleasure should not be taken. Do women face a similar trial? I’ve often wondered, but how does one bring this up in a conversation?

8:25p Apiphany: “Everything’s good dipped in ranch. Even ranch.”

8:31p  The band is now playing, and it becomes difficult to understand any conversations at the table. I feel like I’m in a staff meeting at work.

8:34p  Apiphany and Blinda have their heads together, fervently discussing something of importance. The subject is something that causes Apiphany to wave her hands about and grunt, like she just discovered fire and is trying to make her cave-mates understand the importance of this development.

8:35p  Some staff person turns the lights down in the place, apparently because this will help us hear the band better.

8:36p  Apiphany takes a drink stirrer and shoves it into an onion slice that is sitting innocently on my appetizer plate. I don’t know what this means.

8:40p  Sassy picks up something on the floor and pretends to throw it at a customer sitting at another table. They laugh. I guess possible dismemberment is amusing to drunken people.

8:42p  Tex arrives. Sassy rushes to the table within 7 seconds to take his order. We must now offer up sacrifices in Sassy’s name, because she is proving god-like with her serving abilities. Someone needs to speak with Suctionetta, because he is trailing in the Serving Wars.

8:46p  The oxygen-tank man with the cigarettes just left. I’m assuming an ambulance is waiting outside. Or maybe he’s just grown bored with the people at our table requiring endless personal validation.

8:48p  The band is singing a song that contains the phrase “bad girls”. Every female in the room appears to be taking notes. I don’t know if this is for the formulation of a redemptive strategy, or a furtherance of their current agenda.

8:51p  I take the pierced onion slice off my appetizer plant and throw it on the floor. I am taking a stand, however vague that stand might be. No one cares.

8:52p  Oh look, I have seven text messages waiting on my phone. None of them speak of anything of the tiniest importance. Then why were they sent? It’s time to thin the herd when it comes to my friends. They clearly have different values than me.

8:55p  Blinda is basically straddling some guy at the bar. Happy hour is almost over, you do what you have to do to keep things flowing and cheap.

8:59p  Sassy just gave me a free beer, the result of an order mishap at another table. I love her even more. We aren’t just going steady now, we might have to produce children. Despite, you know, me having to call her “Bill” during intimate moments.

9:01p  Suctionetta, where are you? You need to come save your reputation.

9:02p  Apiphany: “Groove is in the heart.” Girl needs to get out more.

9:08p  The band is now singing “Sweet Home Alabama”. Because no cover band has ever done that before.

9:09p  In a moment of courageous multi-tasking, I post a blog entry on the Bonnywood Manor fan page, hoping that one of my two fans actually reads it.

9:13p  Sassy is yelling something in Tex’s ear. They are both smiling, so I assume that it’s not a death threat.

9:14p  Apiphany is once again taking pictures of me. Still with the child-molester imagery. I resign myself to the fact that there’s probably not anything I can do about this. It’s not fair, but neither are death, taxes and people named Buford who sit at the bar and yell at a TV that isn’t on. The world is a cruel place.

9:20p  Suctionetta rushes up to the table and shares some paperwork with Apiphany. They laugh and seem to be making fun of the application of someone who wants to work in this establishment. Dude, if you want to get back in my good graces and surge ahead of Sassy in the Server Ratings, you actually have to speak to me and not chuckle with table-mates in a suspicious manner.

9:24p  I realize that we are approaching the point where I might have to shut down the live blog. I’ve lost track of the beer total and I’m actually enjoying the band with their songs about relationship disappointments and court-ordered divorce.

9:29p  Everyone at the table is convinced that we need to make a road trip to Marfa, Texas. This place, though culturally significant from what I understand, is way out in the sand-blasted hell of southwest Texas. It takes two days to drive there. Did I miss something about the appeal of this adventure?

9:31p  Sage: “I need to get something bigger than a 20-inch mower so I don’t have to walk back and forth across the lawn so many times.”

9:31p  This is a dream we all have.

9:34p  Sassy is quizzing me about what this whole “live blog” thing means, and her rumored inclusion in the commentary. Should she get an agent?

9:37p  Off to the dreaded bathroom again. Praying for no stains.

9:40p  Success. I am dry, and have no abrasions from the rough paper towels shooting out of the dispenser. And I had the pleasure of meeting someone named Grunt , who apparently needs the assistance of toilet stall walls to remain upright.

9:43p  Sage also returns from the bathroom, deeply concerned about the killer paper towel dispenser. See! I wasn’t making this up. Then Sage shares a story about the soap dispenser shooting streams of vicious cleanliness at him, soiling his shirt in a rude and surprising manner. There is something SO not right about that bathroom.

9:45p  Sassy reports that she has informed Suctionetta that she is ahead in the Server Rankings. Two seconds later, Suctionetta rushes up and tries to be charming, but he is off kilter and not up to par. Oh boy. We are now heading toward one of those Hallmark movie-endings where people are generally happy but one of the major characters dies violently.

9:52p  Really wanting to stop blogging for the night. As with most things, it was really fun at first, full of satisfaction and wonder, but after a while there are hundreds of things you’d rather be doing, like ordering another round or killing the person at the bar who insists on repeating the phrase “she wanted it BAD”. Based on his appearance, I’m assuming that “she” comes with her own bicycle pump.

9:57p  Sage points out a woman who clearly should not be wearing the tight Capri pants that she bought twenty years ago. Sage takes a pinch of salt and throws it over his shoulder, thereby protecting us from further Capri atrocities. Thank God for protective condiments.

9:59p  I have a gas bubble that could fuel the world. No more fried pickles.

10:00p  Definitely wrapping it up now. The band is wailing about corn dogs. Somehow, this seems like a fitting end to my reporting. Until next time…



10:47p  Netbook battery dying… no juice… words fading…

10:59p  Why does that woman think everyone needs to see her breasts?

11:16p  There’s a reason why belts were invented.

End Trans


  1. R O F L!!!!!!!!! omg you kill me. Its like I was there, sitting right next to you, when you typed this out, its just the weirdest thing EVAR

  2. Dude, totally hilarious! Live blog was TOTALLY HD !!