Saturday, July 24, 2010

Live Blog #4 - Rain and Other Atmospheric Disturbances

4:22p  Back in the saddle again. Tierney’s on a Friday afternoon.

4:23p  I’m the only member of the gang who has shown so far. I don’t know if this means I’m just very punctual, or I just don’t have a real life like everybody else.

4:24p  Unrelated side note: It was raining on the way up here. Why do so many people think that the only reaction to any given roadway development is to slam on their brakes, sending everyone behind them careening toward the ditches because there was absolutely no reason to slow down yet the idiot did?

4:27p  I’m not sure who this server is or if I‘ve even seen her before.. She’s short, that’s about the only detail I have. She didn’t share her name when she wandered up, so it’s very possible she’s undercover. There’s another older server person standing at the bar talking to one of the customers. I’m certain I’ve never met her before, because I would remember that distinctive braying country voice. Poor little customer, trapped in the headlights as Bray-Anne babbles on about everything that has ever happened in her entire life.

4:31p  I need other people to start showing up. I’m watching sports on the TV and, well, that’s just not right. There is some degree of shame associated with this development.

4:32p  Bray-Anne finally wanders off into the kitchen. I guess the cows need milking.

4:34p  Bitsy’s here. Thank God. Now I can quit staring at that apparent collegiate sporting event that involves people running around on some nice wood flooring and hurling orbs at elevated receptacles.

4:39p  Still don’t know the server’s name. But she sure wanted my name, so she could slap it on the bar tab. Kind of a one-sided arrangement, if you ask me. We might have to have a talk.

4:47p  Bitsy: “These are 20 days old. Why are they still in your box?”

4:50p  Okay, what’s the deal. The TV signal just died, and my Wi-Fi stick is blinking red. Is there a large hovercraft over the city, cutting off all communication with the outside world?

4:52p  Wow. It’s pouring outside. Some of the servers are staring out the windows like Toto just flew by.

4:53p  Sage is here!

4:55p Well, then. They just opened all the blinds so we can see that wind is blowing like a mother out there. Great. I just want to drink. If the power goes out, I’m not going to be happy.

4:57p  Seriously, straight-line winds hurling debris and small children. I’m no longer amused. We need the rain, but we don’t need the death and destruction. Can we get some balance here?

5:02p  Some completely drenched employee just sloshed in the door. People are calling her Esther, so I’m assuming that’s her name. Or maybe it’s a code word for “get your
 ass in the kitchen and dice some onions”.

5:09p  And Lolo just arrived. We got us some party goin’ on.

5:10p  Winds appear to have died down, and the signals are back. Apparently we are going to live, which is nice to know. We order more beer.

5:12p  Nachos arrive. Celebration ensues. Whoever first thought of piling cheese and meat on fried chips was truly a divine and prophetic being. Let us now bow down in prayer.

5:19p  Lolo reveals something about “Big Brother” that she wears she saw on the show. I beg to differ. I don’t remember seeing that. Heated discussion ensues. I pull the trump card that I am blogging the show episodes, and I carefully analyze every scene. No one cares. They all gaze at Lolo with adoring eyes, wanting more.

5:27p  We haven’t seen Bray-Anne in a while. Did a rodeo come through town and she trottled off to be with her people?

5:30p  Our unnamed server asks if she can take away our half-eaten plate of nachos. She barely escapes from the table unharmed. The plate stays.

5:36p  Somebody just discovered the jukebox, and apparently somebody left the volume on super high. Natalie Cole is screaming “HELLO!” repeatedly like blow darts are peppering her ass.

5:39p  I have a heartfelt discussion with our server, explaining that we really need an identity for her for blogging purposes. She settles on “Lola”, which is disturbingly similar to “Lolo.” But we decide this is satisfactory, and we will concoct a detailed background story wherein Lolo and Lola are long-lost siblings we have reunited over draft beer.

5:44p  Bray-Anne is still employed here. I just nearly slammed into her while making a mad dash to the facilities, an important, expedient journey necessitated by the dual evils of needing to tinkle and erroneously consuming a poorly-proportioned nacho chip that had excessive sliced jalapenos on it.

5:45p  Apiphany and Suctionetta arrive. Suctionetta will be joining us at the table this evening, as he is not working and will not be lugging beverages to drunk people with focus issues. This should be fun.

5:50p  Suctionetta went to see Lady Gaga last night. Something tells me he will not speak of anything else for the next three days.

5:51p  Apiphany calls me a bitch. This is completely unprovoked. She must die.

5:55p  Brief break. Apiphany needs to review my pending blog post. If she doesn’t approve, it doesn’t go out.

6:08p  Blog approved. Sent. Let the accolades pile up. Okay, I’ll be realistic. Let the one person who will actually reads the blog finally click on it next Tuesday.

6:11p  Apiphany and Suctionetta are texting each other at the end of the table, even though they are side-by-side. When did it become easier to type rather than use your vocal cords?

6:14p  Suctionetta informs Apiphany that she shares the same birth date with Mel Gibson. Apiphany cries. Then she berates the timid Asian girl painting a flower on her toe.

6:20p  It’s suddenly gotten very quiet at the table. Everyone is staring at their phones and communicating with people who are not here. Sad, really.

6:23p  Apiphany: “I won a spelling bee in the fifth grade” So I guess she hit her head at some point AFTER that.

6:26p  OMG. There’s something new on the menu called “Jalapeno Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp with Pineapple Skewer.” I nearly tackle Lola the server as she is innocently walking by carrying bread sticks. Bring!

6:30p  Suctionetta was just singing Lady Gaga songs in the bathroom, making it quite difficult to concentrate on the task at hand. Luckily, he finally pranced out the door, pretending that it was curtain call and it was time to perform “Telephone My Disco Stick Romance”. Three people waiting in line outside the door scream in terror.

6:40p  Still waiting on the potentially-delicious skewer. What is going on back there? Is Bray-Anne mucking things up with some worthless story concerning that time when she ran across a cousin being inappropriate with the livestock?

6:44p  Bitsy, Sage and I have a fine moment reflecting on that long ago one-hit wonder by “Sister Mary Elephant”. If you recall this ditty, you are super fine. You are also old.

6:47p  Apiphany, waving frantically to get my attention about her Halloween outfit for this year. (Um, it’s July, you pathetic blog-hogger.) “I wanna be a Blue Tooth!” Then she grins, awaiting praise.

6:47p  Thank God the shrimp skewer finally arrives, and I can focus on that, rather than offer kudos to a chronically-challenged woman who wants praise for her every move, including personal activities that no one needs to know about.

6:53p  One of the other servers demonstrates to Lola, who is apparently new, how to switch out a dirty, filled ashtray with a new clean one. We all watch this process in total rapture. Sometimes it’s the small things, yes?

6:57p  Old Depeche Mode is playing on the jukebox. (“Just Can’t Get Enough.”) Flash back to my early twenties, standing in an after-hours bar wearing a shirt with lots of zippers and hoping that someone appreciated my “Flock of Seagulls” hairdo and would be inspired to sleep with me.

7:04p  Apiphany is racing toward the jukebox, wrinkled dollar bills in hand. I bow down to High Priestess Sinead O’Connor and pray that we will not suffer greatly.

7:14p  Modern English’s “Melt With You” is blaring. Perhaps I should pull back on my fear and ridicule of Apiphany manning the jukebox. Naw. She already thinks she’s all that.

7:22p  Okay, just embarked on another restroom visit, and there was some guy standing three feet back from the urinal, arcing across the tile. What is THAT? Am I misunderstanding something? Then he leaves, and has some serious difficulty opening the door and getting out. Okay, got it.

7:24p  Lolo has an issue with a stray, flaming ember leaping off her cigarette and nearly burning the building down.

7:39p  Lolo is now obsessed with turning up the volume on the jukebox. She quizzes Suctionetta on how one would go about doing this. Apparently you have to go behind the bar, in the forbidden zone, and fiddle with something. Lolo then challenges one of us to do exactly this. We just look at her. Girl, you want volume, YOU run through the minefield of possible eviction from this fine establishment.

7:43p  Wild Jenno waltzes in the door, looking fab. We all shuffle around to allow access to the trashed table littered with smoking accessories, congealed food plates, and smart phones that beep and rattle every three seconds.

7:47p  Sage: “I’m special because I get to sit next to the blogger.” Yes, you are. Worship me. Or at least pass the ketchup, because these fries are boring without it.

7:49p  Sage: “That skank that got voted off on ‘Big Brother’? She got the ten thousand, she can buy a ton of Bene-Fiber. That’s all she would drink in the house.”

7:50p  I don’t know what he’s talking about. I don’t remember fiber being a plot point.

7:52p  Sage: “I was a good little Christian boy until I met you people.” Okay, now I get it. Sage has denial issues. Good luck with that.

7:54p  Two people show up that I don’t know. They apparently work with, or have had sex with, Sage. Or maybe his wife, Gin-and-Tonicka. Not sure. We’ll call them “Jimmy Neutron” and “Debbie Downer”.

7:55p  Okay, then. Based on these names, I should get a lot of material out of this.

8:02p  Suctionetta is being a total bee-yotch and will not move his chair so I can get out of the corner where I am trapped. I hate him. I don’t care if he personally saw Lady Gaga’s sweat.

8:07p  I had to make a run to the car and stock up on Excedrin, Gas-X, and Zantac for the gang. Because we’re old. And we’re decaying.

8:08p  Apiphany: “I just want to caress the pole.”

8:09p  Bitsy: “The last time I was wet, I went deaf.” (I may have misunderstood this..)

8:10p  Jimmy Neutron and Debbie Downer are babbling away to Sage, but I seriously can’t hear a single thing. I’m TRYING to be inclusive, but there are times when this just can’t happen. It’s all about positioning.

8:12p  Apiphany: “What is the saying? ‘Beer before liquor, get drunk quicker.’” That sounds right. But really, honey, you already have your panties on your head. How much further down this road do you need to go?

8:15p  Jimmy and Debbie still chatting. Still can’t hear. I’m sure it’s very pretty, witty and wise. But this Helen Keller business is harshing my buzz.

8:18p  Apiphany: “And then what’s her name turned religious.” Mary Magdalene?

8:19p  Suctioneeta, turning to me in confidence about Apiphany and Bitsy: “They’ve never seen ‘Hairspray’ with Ricki Lake!” This is an outrage. I shall not speak to them again until they appease me in some way. Or they pass out. Which could be in the next twenty seconds.

8:20p  I finally actually hear one of the words that Jimmy Neutron is uttering. “Deodorant.” Perhaps I should give up on eavesdropping with that trio. Hygiene is not funny. People busting their ass while reaching for salsa? Bingo.

8:25p  I attempt to bond with Suctionetta. He doesn’t care, and chooses to flit about and sing songs concerning the deflowering of rhinos. I don’t know what this means, but it’s clear that we will not be exchanging Christmas cards.

8:28p  Jimmy and Debbie: A series of hoots and clicks. That’s all I’m getting.

8:30p   Apiphany: “Have you seen ‘Sweet Dreams’?” I’m guessing that as long as I know you people, sweet dreams are not on the agenda. Nightmares involving darkness and homicide? Just around the corner.

8:32p  Suctionetta just touched my netbook in an inappropriate manner. Wild Jenno confirmed this, because I was looking askance at someone who was wearing a thong on the outside of her shorts and only got a glimpse of Suctionetta’s transgression out of the corner of my eye. I glare at Sucky. He glares at me. Nothing is resolved.

8:38p  Yet another mortifying country server wanders up and converses with Suctionetta. Something about people cutting their fangers, and offspring serving jail time. Not sure.  Her lack of teeth is totally distracting, and entire sentences fly past me and are never heard again.

8:42p  Skankarina comes up to the table. He works for the bar in some capacity, but this is not clear. He loves Apiphany. He’s jealous of Suctionetta’s tight bond with Apiphany. What neither of these batches understand is that Apiphany is mine until after the Apocalypse. Me, Apip, and the cockroaches. We will repopulate the planet in some way. Turkey basters will most likely be involved.

8:52p  Lolo thinks I look too serious and need to relax. Does she not understand that I’m clenched 24-7? I haven’t relaxed since  that time in pre-school when I was knocked unconscious on the set of Captain Kangaroo when there was some confusion over camera placement.

8:58p  Suctionetta: “She just told me to eat a banana!”

8:58p  I really hate being trapped in this corner, where I can’t escape unless two people get up and completely get out of the way. This is the suckiness that comes from being the first one here.

9:11p  Bitsy: “Your mouse is not plugged in.” Holy cow, she’s right. What happened here?

9:15p  There’s a pool of water near our table. No idea.

9:16p  Bitsy and Lolo are basically screaming at each other in the midst of some conversation. I think a man is involved, but this is not clear. Lolo: “Get over it!”

9:19p  Seriously, I need to switch to water or I will never get out of here alive. Oh wait. Maybe the catfish strips on the stunning menu will soak things up. Let’s try that.

9:23p  Attila, the bar owner, has not checked with me once to ensure that accommodations are adequate. I don’t care for him right now. Then I stare at my glass of draft beer, because it’s so pretty.

9:25p  Who is Hugo? Why are people yelling for his attention?

9:27p  Wild Jenno, Lolo, and Bitsy are engaged in a discussion of the “Ab Fab” series. You would think a Jewish carpenter had just parted the seas and tossed free beverages to bridge-dwelling homeless people.

9:31p  Okay, we finally get “Ray-Wow”, a server who has eluded getting captured in the blog until this point, to sign on. She seems a little stymied by the blog thing, as most people are when informed that their very actions will be recorded for all time. But she relents, and is now captured forever.

9:33p  Ray-Wow: “Do you have an actual life?”

9:33p  Hate her. 

9:35p  Catfish arrives. Grunting ensues.

9:36p  Ray-Wow: “Look at these sick pictures of me being street in the grocery store.”

9:37p  …..

9:38p  Suctionetta, Apiphany, and Ray-Wow race to the jukebox, intent on changing the world with music. They stay over there for a very long time. World domination is tricky. Somebody throws a beer can. All of them are wearing enough hair product that they don’t feel a thing.

9:55p  Okay, Ray-Wow and Suctionetta just totally redeemed themselves, arranging for an extension cord so I can plug in this dying netbook for more power. I love them dearly. At least until they wander off.

9:57p  Briefly checked in with Sage, Jimmy Neutron and Debbie Downer. They haven’t stopped talking for two hours. Other than the brief wisp of “deodorant”, I haven’t heard a thing they’ve said. They nod and smile, fully confident that I have typed up anything of importance. I nod and smile back. No, I haven’t. But your outfits are cute.

9:59p  Lola has proven to be quite deft with her serving skills. The tip will be splendid, and we are now best friends.

10:05 p Sage is telling Jimmy and Debbie that they have to rush out to the blog online and wait for the lastest update so they can bask in the glory of their greatness. Uh oh. Now I have to wing it and make up something encouraging.

10:07p  Uh, Jimmy has a really nice plaid shirt. And Debbie is quite attractive with her glittery top and amazingly slender figure. (Where she’s putting the beer, I have no idea.) They could be on “Lifestyles of the Nearly-Rich and Almost-Famous.” Robin Leach could gift them with brochures detailing expensive enclaves where millionaires frolic in the sand and make underlings bring them canapés on a silver platter.

10:08p  I don’t know where any of the above mess came from. It’s hard to keep linear when so many people think that bellowing is a graceful form of communication. It’s possible that I’ve just been accused of fathering children. But it’s just so loud in here, I really don’t know what my crime might have been.

10:22p Serious fading going on. Full of brewskis, catfish, jalapenos and an inordinate desire to sing show tunes while dancing naked on the bar. Really need water and a personal chaperon that will take care of any legal issues that might arise.

10:25p  Ray-Wow is arranging for more beverages to be delivered to the table. Oh God. Where are the children?

10:26p  Suctionetta just flipped the bird at Apiphany and Wild Jenno. They laughed uproariously at this development. I’m guessing there are no hard feelings.

10:28p  I just realized that Tex texted me hours ago. Oh boy. This will lead to a discussion.

10:43p  Situation with Tex resolved. He’s happy in Odessa, and the world is in order.

11:01p  Where did this jockstrap come from?

11:07p  Is that Eva Gabor?

11:10p  Suctionetta posts a status update on Facebook that will make your toes curl. And not in that, wow, let’s move in together way of curling. More like, just how many restraining orders do you have against you?

11:13p  Dead or Alive on the jukebox. Total flashback. I leap to my feet and do intricate dance moves reminiscent of simpler times. Everyone in the bar requests police backup.

11:16p  One of the bartenders comes over, inquiring if now is the time for him to put on overalls, with no shirt, and chew on a piece of straw. Well, maybe. But really, I’m thinking there’s probably an important piece of the puzzle that has been left on the bathroom floor.

11:18p  Seriously, is my flight ready to leave?

11:23p  Tom Petty. Jukebox. He’s free falling. (Free falling, out into nothing.) Then somebody falls facedown on the concrete. I guess they took Tom literally.

11:25p  Suctionetta: “We are in gay hell right now.” I hear ya, sister, but I don’t know if I want to be emotionally attached to you right now. I need to look at your Facebook profile.

11:27p  Taylor Swift on the jukebox. I fully support transvestites, and you should, too.

11:29p  I spy this update on my Facebook wall: “Brian's Garden is overflowing with ripe vegetables! While Michael was watering Brian's garden he noticed that it was overflowing with delicious vegetables for a V.I.P. Salad!”

11:31p  How does one even respond to this? Did we date in the past? Geez. There was entirely too much vodka in my college years.

11:32p  Suctionetta: “Mayans are stupid.”

11:45p  Attila comes over and is expounding on certain drug adventures in his past. This certainly explains the menu.

11:53p  Shutting things down now. I could swear that Lady Godiva just raced past the front of the restaurant, and some baser part of me understands that this can’t be right. Time to go.

12:08p  I return from final flight preparations in the bathroom, and discover a fresh beer waiting for me. Oh no. Can’t do it. I shove it toward Apipany and Suctionetta. They stare at me blankly for a bit, then want to know my thoughts on Polish sausages.

12:08p  And I’m done here.

End Trans.

1 comment: