Friday, July 16, 2010

10 Roadway Signs That Might Need Some Clarification for Certain People

I understand that some of our fellow travelers don’t quite grasp the instructional signage they may encounter whilst driving to their therapist. Let me help you out with that.

This means that you are not the priority in this situation. Other people have more seniority, and you must bow down to their needs. Just because you think you have a cuter car or a prettier outfit, you can’t ignore the laws of this particular jungle. Slow down, carefully review your surroundings, and let everyone else do what they need to do. Then you may cautiously attempt to proceed. However, if you see another car coming in the special lane, then hit the break again. Do not try darting maneuvers or pretend that you have vision issues. We know you see us.

This means you need to get into a different lane. Your lane is no longer an important one, and is about to no longer even be a lane. Find the lane that still has the blessing of traffic engineers, and head that way. There should be additional helpful signs that can assist you with your decision (if you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that the signs gave you a heads up two miles back). But if you’re still having trouble, look for the lane that has the most people. That’s probably the right one. Unless the rest of your family is out driving as well.

Make your vehicle quit moving. Now.

4. à

I can understand how you might be a little confused over this one. There aren’t any words, pictures or sock puppets to help you out. This symbol is telling you that you should head to the right. It does not mean you should come to a complete stop. (That would be a different sign. See previous entry.) Don’t sit there idling in your car, filled with bewilderment and functional failure. Go.

Oh, and this little sign has a cousin that looks like this: ß . This means drive to the left. See how this works? No really, you’ll get it. Study hard.

This is not a suggestion. It’s a rule. That little pointer thing in the round thing on your dashboard thing? You know, the one with numbers? The little pointer should not go higher than 65. (“Higher” means the bigger numbers. The pointer shouldn’t touch those.) You don’t pay my insurance premiums. Therefore, you don’t have the right to force me to USE my insurance because your stupidity ran me off the road when you were late for your court appearance.

That thing clutching the phone you’re talking on? That’s your hand. The phone should not be there when you’re driving near large groups of children exiting a building. Put it down. And stop breeding.

Okay, concentrate on this one. All those people coming toward you, filling up all the lanes? None of them are going the wrong way. You are.

If you are in this lane, you have to turn toward the right at the appropriate moment. You are not authorized to ignore this directive and drive straight through the intersection, forcing everyone else to make sudden reactionary adjustments. The rest of the world should not have to compensate for your inability to plan or pay attention.

Don’t try to come into the parking lot this way. Doing so is considered an act of war. See all these cars behind me? None of us can get out of here because you’re sitting there like a challenged farm animal, blinking at us in utter vapidity and uselessness. We will have no problems crushing you. Turn around.

What THIS means, Bertha, is that you shouldn’t be trying to fit your small-planet Cadillac into the parking slot where you see this sign. Don’t rumble in here in your Hummer, looking like a house next to all the Mini Coopers. Big does not make you right. It just makes you even more irritating.

Oh, and one final thing. If you don’t know how to read, don’t leave the house. Thank you for your consideration in this matter. Drive friendly!

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