1. The fire in the parking lot.
As a general rule, large expanses of featureless asphalt don’t usually burst into flames without assistance. In this case, that assistance probably came from Little Tommy, standing there and waving about the cigarette lighter, the same lighter you told him twenty-seven times to put down.
Here’s a tip. When a child does not put down something when instructed to do so numerous times, further action on your part is required, other than just sighing and accepting the fact that your life is governed by unruly short people. Walk up to Tommy, gently take away the lighter, and then beat his ass. Right there.
Oh, and the fuel that Tommy used to start the fire? It appears to be your vehicle registration and his least favorite sister. You might want to check into that.
2. The thundering shopping carts of death.
This is not an amusement park. There are no themed rides or colorful cartoon characters frolicking about and tempting your child with over-priced, high-sugar products. Therefore, your child should be behaving in a location-specific manner. This means he should not treat the shopping carts as his personal joyride to freedom. He should not run really fast and jump on the back of the cart. He should not shove the cart with all his might just to watch it slam into an Escalade and set off the car alarm.
If the child is small enough, strap him INSIDE the cart using all available restrictive binding devices. If the child is too large for this means of transport, then shoot him in the foot and leave him tied to a tree.
3. The demonic beggars at the concession stand.
Okay, it IS a bit unfair that management locates those little restaurants right inside the door, forcing you to drag your brood past the enticing aromas of fake melted cheese and hot dogs that have been baking for three days. Your urchins will go into full attention-getting mode, hollering and banging on things to direct your attention to the low-nutrition café, especially the youngsters who have never eaten a decent meal in their entire lives because you’re just so tired all the time.
Be strong. Promise them an even more enticing buffet of goodies at some vague point in the near future, a commitment that you have no intention of keeping. Tell them that you saw someone spit in the curly fries. Explain to them that the nachos will kill them in a way that is not fun or exciting. As a last ditch effort, scream “Oh my GOD, it’s SpongeBob!” and point at the other end of the store.
4. Brats on the run.
What is it about large spaces with wide aisles that incites the younger crowd to become invested in reenacting the Olympics Games? All this stampeding from one end of the store to the other, knocking crap over and pole-vaulting through the air. Seriously, where is the fun factor? Why would anyone WANT to do this? It’s just so much work. Yet there they go, cattle on crack.
But if you try to trip one of them to stop the madness? Well, all the sudden YOU’RE the bad guy, with the knee-skinned angels finally crying real tears and pointing in your direction. It’s not fair.
5. The incessant screaming.
Unless your child has caught an appendage in a lawnmower, there’s no need for a human voice to hit that decibel level. Yet wildebeest screeching fills the air from open to close in these places
And the parents? They just stand there, not even feeling the tiniest ounce of shame, which is actually more appalling to me than the howler monkeys. You think it’s OKAY that your child is doing this? Good God, you people are animals. Seriously.
And you need to die.
6. The condition of the restrooms.
Do you let your child pee on the floor at home? I didn’t think so. Either you accompany them in here and supervise, or they have to hold it. End of story.
7. The toy department war zone.
No. I don’t care what the excuses or needs might be, you will NOT take your child to this section of the store. If your child truly is angelic enough to deserve a toy, he is also humble enough to understand that toys are not necessary for survival, and will feel blessed to play with dryer lint or old tires.
8. The rampant snacking.
Just because they have that one old lady trying to shove free samples of tofu pudding at you, this does not mean that there’s no charge for anything in the food aisles. Your child should not be ripping into boxes, sampling the contents, spitting on the floor with dissatisfaction, and then moving on to the next thing they can get their grubby little hands on. This is not right.
If your child is THAT hungry, then leave the store and go to McDonald’s. If your child is just being an overindulged ass, then take him to a homeless shelter. They have curbside drop-off these days. Get a receipt for tax purposes.
9. The scavenger hunt in the check-out lanes.
Yes, it’s boring standing in line, especially if the person in front of you was on some type of mission to buy 300 cans of cat food, each of them a different brand or flavor so that the gum-chewing attendant has to scan every single thing. But this doesn’t justify the hooligans pawing through the racks of candy and trial-size hygiene items like it’s one giant Christmas stocking. They have to touch everything, occasionally putting it back where they found it but usually throwing it onto the floor so that your cart wheels jam up when you try to roll forward.
Don’t let these kids do this. Firmly tell them one time to stop it. If they persist, grab the scanning wand out of Bubble Gum’s hand, get your child in a headlock, then zap them in the eyes with the temporarily-blinding red mind-control beam. Hopefully, they will not regain their visions until you have them safely back in the minivan.
10. The wailing banshee on the sidewalk outside the store.
Those heathens wallering around on the sidewalk, kicking their feet and screaming because Mommy or Daddy didn’t buy them the toy they wanted? This is just lazy parenting. You obviously did something wrong with the child-rearing if your offspring thinks this is acceptable behavior. And it’s probably too late to stop this child from traveling the Sociopath Highway the rest of his life. Jail time is inevitable. You need to make a drastic break in this relationship.
Quickly walk away, leaving the child there, and possibly glaring at a nearby innocent adult to make your performance believable. (You don’t want any police reports indicating willful abandonment.) Don’t worry about the child. He’ll be fine. He’s obviously used to getting what he wants and will soon be the leader of a street gang.
Just get in your car. And go.
Crazy stories of what drinking a 12-pack in parking lot after the grocery store closed and a shopping cart rev'd up on a front bumper, HA!
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