Thursday, July 15, 2010

Searching For Signal: #136 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 3

We start out with the standard “this is what the skanks did last time in the house” business, where the only thing of note I didn’t mention in the last blog was that Rachel was wearing a “I’m a hot mess” t-shirt during the nomination ceremony. Poor thing. I’m sure you thought that was cute when you packed it, but really, there are times when you shouldn’t advertise. On to the new stuff.

Brendon in the Diary Room: He expected to get nominated, but he’s totally stunned that Rachel is on the block as well. Really? You’re having a showmance with her. Did you not watch the show before you sent in your audition tape? Sadly, this is a question that could be directed to 12 of the 13 houseguests. Julie Chenbot, where do you find these people?

Enzo in the Diary Room: “The Brigade is running things.” Ego, much? Nobody runs things at the start of the show. There’s still too many people flitting around that you don’t know enough about. Yes, you started a little club, and that’s fine and all, but the mere fact that you have to NAME your alliance means you’re totally focused on the wrong thing.

Rachel in the Diary Room: “I don’t want Brendon to go home!” Girl, your butt is on the block. Can you control the libido for two seconds?

Then Brendon and Rachel run off together to an empty spare room. Rachel: “They nominated us to stop us from hanging out together.” Yes, the did. So why are you now doing exactly what you shouldn’t be doing? Mingle, people. Brendon: If I get sent home, “at least I met you.” That’s really sweet. Doesn‘t solve your problem, but sweet.

Annie flounces in the door, breaking up Noah and Allie from “The Notebook”. She tries to offer some comfort, but really, what comfort can there be? It’s the first week, and all kinds of people have gone home for asinine reasons.

Annie in the Diary Room: “I’ve got to be careful now.” Can’t be seen hanging with Brendon and Rachel, they got the stank on them this week. Then go play croquet with Ragan. At the very least, he can give you pointers on what to wear during Pride week, and he might even have some tips on what you can do with that really straight hair of yours. You’re not Marcia on “The Brady Bunch”, you need to move on.

Then Lane wanders into the room, and it’s very clear that he’s digging for dirt on Rachel, Brendon and Annie, and would probably even take notes if he understood what notes are, and could figure out the longer words they are saying. Then Enzo storms in as well. It’s obvious that Lane and Enzo are spying, but it doesn’t look like the outcast menage a trois is paying any attention. They just need to shut up and go see if anyone wants to play Scrabble. Because Lane and Enzo won’t go anywhere near that game.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I need to keep my eye on Annie.” Why? Just because she’s being nice to people, and could potentially be attracted to either one of them due to her equal-opportunity concept of dating?

Then we have Enzo, Lane and Hayden out on the patio, with one of them running up with what looks like a bottle of Jose Cuervo. This should be fun, because nothing says “intellect” like drunken jocks swigging from a bottle. Lane, speaking of the nomination ceremony: “It could not have worked out any perfect-er.” Perfect-er? Where the hell did you go to school? Did they have more than one grade? Was there indoor plumbing?

Then Enzo starts babbling about Brendon, Rachel and Annie being in an alliance. He has absolutely no proof of this, but proof has never been a critical factor in the Big Brother house. Tanned bodies undulating for no apparent reason, yes. Logic, not so much.

Then Annie wanders out of the house and tries to join the boys, plopping down in their midst. They immediately clam up and stare in the distance at things that don’t exist. Girl, if you didn’t notice that reaction, you need to wake up.

Brendon and Rachel in the hammock, still not understanding that they should be socializing a bit more. Brendon: “It’s hard for me to deal with ignorant people.” Dude, I completely agree and want that on my gravestone, but you’ve got bigger fish to fry. Rachel: “If I win Power of Veto, I’ll take you off.” Still with the sweet. And still with the stupid.

Then they pull a blanket over themselves and start snogging, while everybody in the house runs to the windows to watch this mess. Hayden in the Diary Room: “The target on their backs is getting bigger.” True dat. But really, why are you all salivating at the windows like that? Obviously you need to find more interesting ways to pass your time. Do they not get cable TV where you live?

Next morning, Brendon goes to visit with Hayden in the Head of Household room. Brendon, not really understanding the dynamics of his situation, actually threatens Hayden that he will go after him if her survives this week. Not such a good move. Then Brendon has a mood swing, and starts babbling about taking Hayden to Final Two. Or maybe Final Three, along with Annie. (No mention of Rachel, very interesting.) Then Brendon leaves, presumably returning to his alternate reality where he’s not in any danger.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “That just confirmed that Brendon, Rachel and Annie are in an alliance! Enzo was right!” Uh, no, it didn’t confirm anything. Perhaps all that hair you have is somehow strangling parts of your brain.

A bit later, Hayden trounces into one of the bigger rooms and gathers everybody to pick players for the Veto Competition. Obviously, Hayden, Brendon and Rachel have to play. But they need three more players. Hayden draws Enzo’s name (boo), Brendon draws Andrew (on the fence with that one), and Rachel draws Monet. Rachel stupidly rolls her eyes at this revelation, and Monet sees this. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. Girl, you have GOT to start playing the game and not depend on your flotation devices to see you through.

Quick scene with Enzo, Matty and Hayden in the HOH room, with Enzo babbling about putting Kathy up as a pawn if Brendon manages to win the Veto. “No one will vote for her.” Really? Kathy? As in the one who took a nap in the caramel pond during the tooth competition? I’m thinking a few people might remember that.

Brendon runs to chat with Hayden again, and once more he’s just a little too pushy with that “coming after you“ thing. (Hayden and his hair don’t really understand the whole conversation, but I’m sure they’re used to it.) This is followed by Brendon in the Diary Room: “Hayden made the dumbest move ever” by putting him up. Well, not so dumb if you don’t win the Veto, Brendon. He cocky.

Time for the Veto Competition.

The courtyard is filled with hanging piñatas. And these piñatas are filled with rotting mayonnaise. The object is to whack the piñatas, retrieve the letters inside, and then try to spell the longest word that you can. You have 10 minutes to do this. Go!

Side note: The non-competing players have to sit in a “splash zone” near the pinata destruction stations. Within seconds, they are covered in goo and none too happy.

Lane in the Diary Room: “I don’t appreciate getting’ hit in the face with dairy. On the farm, I’ve never seen mayo come out of a pony. It just ain’t right.”

The mind boggles at what might have happened in Lane’s childhood.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “You gotta go street on the pinata.” Enzo wears a dumbass fedora whenever possible. I’m thinking he’s never gone street on anything. But there’s more. “I use to work in a factory with pipes and nipples.” Suddenly, I think I understand Enzo, and that scares me.

In the end, Brendon actually wins the Power of Veto with a humongous 13-letter word, causing The Brigade members to whimper and Rachel to have a small orgasm. Andrew fesses up in the Diary Room that he purposely mis-spelled his word, because everybody already thinks he’s The Saboteur. And how is this smart? You WANT them to want you out? Uh huh. But in your favor, there’s only one person who belongs to Mensa in this house.

Quick scene with Enzo and Matty in the HOH Room, where they are still babbling about the non-existent alliance between Brendon, Rachel and Annie. Surprisingly, Matty actually wants to put Kathy up as Brendon’s replacement. Enzo now wants to put Annie up. Um, hello, Hayden is the HOH. Shouldn’t you be talking to him?

I guess they heard my though, because Enzo and Matty drag Hayden away from a nearby mirror to plead their cases. Enzo: “Put up Annie. She’s been lying the whole time. She’s the best player in the house!”

Enzo clearly is watching a different show than we are.

Britney buzzes on the HOH door, because she hasn’t had enough screen time, and they let her in so she can sprawl on the bed and prove that she does indeed invest in pedicures. Enzo tells her the scoop on putting up Annie. Britney, to her credit, just lets the clueless guys run their mouths while she envisions sainthood at some point in her life.

A bit later, Annie wanders up to the HOH room, and finds Monet and Britney lounging on the bed, watching an unidentified movie selection. Monet leaves, probably wanting to check and see if her agent has called. Britney, actually trying to do the right thing, warns Annie that people are gunning for her. But she doesn’t exactly tell the truth, and this gums things up in a few minutes. Annie stomps out of the room on a quest for salvation.

She drags Hayden off to yet another unoccupied room. Annie: What’s this mess about me having an alliance with Brendon and Rachel? Hayden: Who told you? Annie: Britney. (See, don’t open your mouth in this house unless you know what you’re doing. Just ask Marcellus from Season 3. And Janelle from any of the 47 seasons that she’s been in.)

Hayden corners Lane in the pantry. Hayden: “You know about putting Annie up, right?” Lane: “Look, Rachel will stick with Brendon no matter what.” Shouldn’t Rachel be the focus? And actually, Lane is right, even if this is coming from a person who is familiar with what should and should not come out of a pony on a farm. But Lane is screwing around with an apple the whole time, juggling the fruit with irritating loudness, so it’s understandable that Hayden is distracted.

Another Darth Vadar video, where he announces that two of the houseguests are actually life-long friends. Think about it, it’s easy to figure out.

At first, everyone is mystified. Then the rumors start flying.

Brendon, the one voice of reason in this instance, cautions everybody to consider that Darth is lying. Britney thinks it’s Brendon and Kristen. (Where the hell did THAT come from?) Andrew thinks that Matty and Ragan are in a gay relationship. (Again, where the hell?) Kristen thinks it’s Matty and Annie, because they “come from the same walks of life”. That doesn’t make sense in any way. Why isn’t anybody listening to Brendon?

Lane then wants to know “who hasn’t been hanging out with who”, because if people are avoiding each other, then they must be the friends. I sort of see that angle, but it’s Lane doing the talking. Still waters might run deep, but they can also stagnate and cause fish to die. Then Andrew leaps to his feet and proclaims that none of these people know anything about Judaism and therefore he can’t be friends with anybody.

Crickets chirp.

Then Hayden, of all people, spouts off in the Diary Room about the one possible relationship that actually sounds interesting, if Darth is really telling the truth about a pre-existing relationship among the houseguests: “Kathy could be Britney’s mom!”

Actually kind of hoping that’s the case. They’re both from Arkansas, and isn’t everybody in that state related? Heyyy. (I’m allowed to say this, because I’m from Oklahoma, where we also have questionable breeding techniques.)

Time for the Veto Ceremony.

As expected, Brendon pulls himself off the block. As somewhat expected, Hayden puts Annie ON the block. As Annie settles herself in to one of the eviction chairs, she mutters “Lies weave evil webs…. Britney.” Cut to Britney, and you can’t tell from her expression if Britney now thinks Annie is the spawn of Satan, or if she’s just waiting for the microwave to ding and let her know that her Hot Pockets is done.

Annie in the Diary Room: “I’m not going anywhere.”

Hayden in the Diary Room: “We just need to keep The Brigade a secret, and keep The Brigade strong.” Whatev.

My guess at this point? Enzo won’t be able to keep his mouth shut. Anarchy ensues. A lamp gets broken. At least 3 people say something hurtful. And it’s discovered that someone in the house has an affinity for asparagus.

Stay tuned…

1 comment:

  1. (Laughing so hard, I knocked over the IV pole...oopsie!) ;-)