Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams - “Airplanes”

And we have yet another entry in the “we don’t know what we’re going, so let’s just turn on a camera and let people improvise” category. Not that I’m judging in any way. I’d never heard of either of these people before this song suddenly shot to the top of the charts. I’m sure they’re very nice people. Or at least people that happened to be in the right place at the right time. Like Paris Hilton or Sarah Palin…

Anyway, we start out with someone, and I’m assuming that this is B.o.B., though I really don’t know, doing something on a darkened soundstage. I think he might be pretending to play the piano, to match what we’re hearing on the audio track, but it’s not clear. He might be signaling for his agent to come get him out of this mess. Or maybe he just can’t see very well and is fumbling his way toward The Light. Is B.o.B. a gospel singer? That worked out pretty well for Jennifer Hudson, so maybe there’s hope.

Then we have a profile shot of a tightly-coiffed woman. She starts singing, which causes the camera to pull back and we see a full-body shot of Hayley (maybe) in some type of yoga position (Forward-Facing Princess Leia?). It’s still very dark, though, and really, this could mean anything.

Cut to B.o.B. looking all street, with his butt stuck in some wall recess, then back to Hayley doing some calisthenics. Oh look, B.o.B. knows how to clap. More Yoga featuring Hayley.

Now the music gets more energetic and intrusive, because rappers can’t do their thang when just a stupid piano is playing. B.o.B. is in front of the camera, being very insistent, also a trademark of young rappers on a mission. While he bounces around on the stage, waving his arms like he’s a referee of some kind, we get shots of what appears to be a party where people are sad and stare at the ground.

Then we have some groupie taking pictures with a fancy camera that instantly prints out the pictures she’s taking. She’s kind of lazy, though, because she just throws the pictures on the ground and that’s just wasteful. More shots of B.o.B. on a soundstage, where they try to do things with the lighting to make us think he’s in a bunch of different places, but really, it’s the same damn stage.

This goes on for a while, and they let him change his clothes a lot, which is minimally interesting, but seriously, who wrote this script? Oh, and they make sure to show him wearing a cross on a gold chain, because all rappers just want to please Jesus. Well, at least for the three minutes when they are accepting a Grammy for their hit single “I Didn’t Do Nothin’ to That Ho”.

More evidence of the discarded groupie photos on the floor. Oh look, people are moving around in the photos. That’s normal, right? Drugs were not involved in the making of this video. To confirm the non-drugginess, we have shots of pale and tragic women bathed in weird henna-tattoo lighting. Why are the females not allowed to be pretty in this video, forced to hide in the shadows and do workout routines?

Now we’re at a supposed concert, where hard-working people have paid money to watch B.o.B. do nothing that we haven’t seen before. But at least he has a cute hat, which causes the women in the audience to want to bear his children. Before you know it, though, we have B.o.B. all alone on that stage with all the different lights. Could he not keep the audience’s attention for longer than thirty seconds? Just asking.

A few more shots of B.o.B. with his hiney still stuck in the wall recess. Just what the hell is going ON in that alcove?

Hayley is finally back in the picture, still doing yoga, but now her arms are whirling around like she’s trying to achieve liftoff. This doesn’t happen, so we get shots of alternate galaxies where Hayley would have flown with the proper wind thrust. Quick shot of B.o.B. with giant words on the wall behind him. (Maybe he has vision problems and can’t read normal-size cue cards.) Then Hayley is attacked by a giant day-glo lava monster. Poor thing.

More shots of henna-tattoo people, galaxies, and Princess Leia in peril from a “Star Wars” movie that was never released. And some more yoga, so at least Hayley is sticking to her workout goals despite the life-threatening aliens. Good for her.

Then we have B.o.B. with his hoodie over his head, which I believe is the universal symbol for “I don’t remember what I’m supposed to do right now, so I’m going to act all ghetto and shifty.” Then B.o.B. decides that he‘d rather be doing something else, picking up his gym bag and exiting the stage. It’s nice to see that the kids these days seem interested in getting enough exercise. And singing about it.

The last part of the video is actually just a promo for B.o.B.’s album, coming soon to a Target near you where thousands of hormonal teenagers will converge and elevate B.o.B. to god-like status based on one single where the featured artist sings better than he does. No mention of Hayley’s album. Perhaps she’s still battling the Slime Monster and hasn’t had time to set a release date yet…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube…

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