First we have the usual review of last episode (lies, backstabbing, tanned bodies), then we have Britney in the Diary Room, not happy about Rachel’s reason for nominating her: “Using alliances is bullcrap.” Honey, this show is all ABOUT alliances. Pay attention.
Monet in the Diary Room: “Rachel feels threatened by me.” No, she just doesn’t like you.
Hayden in the Diary Room: The Brigade is safe. “No one knows about us.” Sadly, this appears to be true.
Rachel and Brendon in the HOH room, right after the nominations. Rachel: “Did I do good?” Brendon nods, then they have sex.
Cut to Britney crying in the swamp room, all sad. “Nobody is going to save me!” Um, you need to save YOURSELF. Seriously, do you not understand this game at all? Then Monet and her hair come in. Rachel nominating us was “strictly personal. She just doesn’t like us.” (Right, see above.) Britney: “I was NICE to her.” No, you weren’t. Monet: “She’s a stupid hooker.”
Yet these girls can’t figure out why people wouldn’t like them. Please.
Matty, Hayden and Lane, being all bro in one of the rooms, hoping the nominations stick. “We gotta win the Veto!” Then they run out of things to say, because thinking’s hard.
Rachel approaches Britney: “Wanna go talk?” (See, that’s sweet. Britney should be doing the approaching, but instead she chooses to pout on a deck chair in her designer crywear.) Anyway, they go to the HOH Room. Rachel: “I didn’t know WHAT to do. But my goal is to get Monet.” (Oops, Rachel, bad move.) Britney, for once being non-lethargic, races to the Diary Room. “I will KEEP Monet!” Good luck with that.
Back to the HOH Room, where Rachel is sobbing to Brendon over the trials of being queen. “It’s hard! I’m, like, MEAN!” Brendon: “It’s only a game.” Then they have sex.
Britney and Monet, apparently on another show. Britney: “Rachel is SO jealous of you!” Monet: “Cuz I’m not a skanky-ass ho!” Then they proceed to rip and tear at everybody and everything. This is where you want Julie Chen to kick down the door, march through the house, slap them both, and then say “I am using my powers as a goddess to evict both of you, NOW! You’re just too annoying.”
Andrew and Matty are discussing marriages, because it’s been two weeks in the house and they’ve already talked about everything else, when Matty starts babbling about his wife having a serious “bone condition”. That’s why he’s here, because his insurance won’t pay for an operation she needs. Touching, right? Trouble is, Matty reveals in the Diary Room that he’s totally making this up. Such a nice guy.
Matty decides to really milk this fake angle. He runs about the house, telling everyone who will listen that his wife is about to lose her leg. (Britney surprises me by actually seeming to care about another person. Ragan, in the Diary Room, thinks Matty’s heroic efforts are amazing and beautiful, but then my people always go for the drama, so his input doesn’t really count.) Matty even has a doom-sounding name for his wife’s non-condition, some phrase he picked up while watching the Disease TV channel.
Matty in the Diary Room: If he wins, he will make a donation to the society that is trying to find a cure for this disease “for letting me exploit” them. And he’s not worried about being found out. “Andrew’s a shoe salesman, not a doctor.”
Andrew, who is a doctor and not a shoe salesman, in the Diary Room: He’s never heard of this disease. Hmm.
Time for the Power of Veto competition. First, the HOH and the two nominees draw names. Britney gets Enzo, Monet gets Lane, and Rachel gets a “houseguest’s choice”. She giggles and squeals and of course picks Brendon. This display sends Britney over the edge. (In the Diary Room: “I’m dumber having watched it.” Sugar, you got to dumb all on your own, don’t blame people from Vegas.)
Anyway, the six of them get dressed up like stock-brokers, then everybody tromps out to the courtyard. For this gig, they have to stick their hands and head into some stocks, then hold a briefcase in one hand. Whoever can hang on to that briefcase and get closest to an hour without going over wins. (Monet in the Diary Room: “Okay, 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour, so I just have to count to 1,200!” You do that, Monet. Your math skills suck, but go right ahead.)
So they get going, and it’s fairly boring at first, because they’re just standing there, sweating. To create at least some excitement, the producers turn on these little whirly things that cause a laminated dollar bill to gently slap the contestants in the face. (Lane: “At first I thought, it’s a mini-fan! Yay! Then I thought, it’s just an annoying dollar.)
And Britney, with another Diary Room session on another planet: “I would never put a real dollar to my face. Most of those come out of strippers’ g-strings.” Yes, folks, she said that. What is Britney’s obsession with hookers and strippers? Shady past? Missed calling? Momma played slap and tickle on a professional level so Britney could have Cheerios for breakfast?
The wonderment continues. Lane, in the Diary Room, says he’s never been locked in stocks before, but that “I have woken up with one hand tied.” Really? I think I might like to hear a little bit more about that, but no further details are given.
Eventually, the suitcases start dropping. Surprisingly, everyone goes OVER the hour except for Britney.
Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m all safe now!” And the nation weeps.
Lane in the Diary Room: “The Brigade truck just blew another tire.” That boy sure is colorful, eh?
Rachel in the Diary Room: “Now I have to make another enemy. This is horrible!” Then she thinks about having sex with Brendon.
Britney and Monet back in the swamp room, where they hatch a plan to convince Rachel to put up Andrew, promising that they won’t go after Rachel and Brendon for at least two weeks. Total lies, of course, they fully intend to get Rachel as soon as possible. But at least the maggots in the swamp room are in good company at the moment.
Rachel and Brendon are in the HOH room, about to start or just finishing up having the sex, when Monet buzzes. Brendon runs like the wind. Monet wants to cut a deal. What can I do? Rachel: “Tell me who is coming after Brendon and me.” Monet: “Andrew is after you” (Lie.) “You and Brendon are not my target.” (Lie.) Rachel: “Let me think about it.” Poor Rachel. Sharper tools in the shed and all.
Enzo, Hayden and Lane, off in some room, freaking out about some possible backdoor nominations when Britney comes off the block. Hayden plays with some lip gloss the entire time, enjoying it far more than seems natural. Doesn’t he know that stuff comes out of strippers’ g-strings?
Why does Rachel have to yell every time she’s in the Diary Room? Indoor voice, please.
Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room, sexual activity status unknown. Rachel: “What if I put Andrew up?” Brendon: “How can you trust Britney and Monet?” Rachel: “I don’t trust them, but…” Brendon: “We don’t want this to come back and haunt us.” Dramatic music plays so we can understand how traumatic decision-making can be.
Britney and Monet, giggling in the swamp, thinking they all smart and stuff.
Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room, talking to Matty and Ragan. Rachel: “I need you to vote Monet out. I’m putting Andrew up as a pawn.” Matty: “You’d have a better shot at Monet if you put ME up.” Ragan instantly wets himself at this startling and probably stupid move. (Matty in the Diary Room: This will get Rachel and Brendon’s trust, and the Brigade will love me for doing it.) Brendon: “What do you want?” Matty: “Make it clear at the Veto Ceremony that I’m a pawn.”
Well, then.
Matty runs to tell the Brigade, and there is love and fellowship. Ragan goes to change his pants.
Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room. Brendon: “Andrew will not come after us. I KNOW this.” Rachel: “I don’t trust Matty. I’m suspicious of what he’s doing.” Lo and behold, Andrew stops by. He just wanted to let them know “you will lose a supporter if you put me up”. Brendon and Rachel pause for a moment, and you know they’re both thinking of jock straps.
Then Brendon starts to work on making a deal with Andrew, which irritates Rachel. She stops the discussion, politely asks Andrew to leave, and then she and Brendon get into it. He shouldn’t be making the deals, she should. (True.) She needs to think about the implications of putting Andrew up. (True.) In fact, Brendon is pushing so hard about being able to trust Andrew, that I wonder: Are Brendon and Andrew the two people in the house that knew each other before? After all, they have the same hair color, so it’s entirely possible, because the BB producers could consider this a “relationship”.
Anyway, things get a little heated, and Brendon finally mutters “I’m done discussing this.” He grabs his things and runs out the door. Because that’s the mature way to handle it.
Brendon in the Diary Room: “I hope Rachel makes the right decision.” Me too. But Brendon, what up with you and Andrew? Hmm?
Shot of Rachel, crying in the HOH bed, because no one is having sex with her at the moment.
Veto Ceremony.
Britney takes her bitter butt off the block, natch.
Rachel: This was a really hard decision, but I’ve got to put you up, Matty. “I’ve been working to make sure you are being used as a pawn.”
Brief shot of Monet on the verge of homicide. Or something. Her face is hard to read with all that hair.
Matty in the Diary Room: “I’m a diabolical super-genius.” If this is the same thing as “liar”, then yes, you are.
Britney in the Diary Room: “All this work for nothing!” Work? You cried in the swamp room while Monet went to the negotiating table.
Ragan in the Diary Room: “Everybody knows, pawns early in the game walk out the door.”
Yes, they do.
End credits.
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