Friday, July 16, 2010

Searching For Signal: #137 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 4

Oh look, Julie’s here, so it must be Eviction Night. That girls works SO hard, putting in that whole one hour a week of face time. I’m sure she’s very tired, poor thing. And we also have the live audience going on, which always gets on my nerves. I’m assuming there’s a Starbucks located in the studio, because these people will scream and applaud for anything, even if Julie just says “Hi, it’s Thursday!”

Anyway, Julie launches into some mess about The Saboteur. (The producers are really pushing this angle, despite my strong dissatisfaction with the concept.) And we get to find out who he or she is tonight. Woohoo! (The audience practically impales themselves on each other at this bit of news.) Then Julie mentions that it’s Day 13 in the house.

Day 13? And we’re just now getting to our first eviction? Hmmm.

Live shot of Rachel, sitting in one of the nomination chairs. Girl has some serious hair. And a hair stylist who apparently trained at Home Depot. In the weed-eater section.

Britney in the Diary Room, babbling about Rachel: “She’s psycho!” Interesting. But why you tryin to do all that home girl mess with the hand movements and the frontin? You’re not exactly Stable Mable, either.

Scene with Annie and Andrew. Annie: “Britney’s running around telling lies!” See, maybe it’s because I don’t watch Big Brother After Dark, where you get to see drunk people act all dumb-ass, but I don’t see Britney doing any of that. Mostly she just lays around and makes sure that her outfit matches the upholstery.

More shots of Annie storming through the house and not being gracious about getting put on the block. She’s snapping at everybody and closing doors with more force than necessary. This is not how you need to act if you’re going to save your butt. That sound you hear is the rest of the astonished house realizing that there’s not enough medication on hand to help that poor child.

Brendon and Rachel in one of the rooms. Brendon: “Annie just shot herself in the foot. You need to just lay low.” Rachel and her hair nod knowingly.

Brendon and Annie in yet another room. She blurts out “I’m going home!” and then actually blames it all on Brendon. “I feel betrayed!” Honey, you messed your own self up. He didn’t do anything to you. He’s sucking face with Rachel. Why would you be on the top shelf? Are you still bitter about the three-way in the hammock that turned into a two-way with a chaperon?

Brendon and Britney, with Brendon still reeling from the Annie meltdown and warning Britney. “Stay away from her.” Britney agrees wholeheartedly, then wonders what she’s going to wear for lunch.

Enzo and Matty, doing the bro thing. They are so stoked about the absolute power they think they have, congratulating themselves and strutting around. Every other word out of their mouths is “Brigade”. I don’t like that word anymore. Ixnay.

Brendon and Annie again, with her trying to make amends, because the manic/depressive thing is now at the other end of the spectrum. Annie: “There’s no way I can get six votes!” Then she cries. Brendon is all nurturing, wiping away her tears and hugging her. Yet I’m still getting a flashback to Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction”.

Brendon and Rachel (Brendon is very busy this episode) in one of the bedrooms, embarking on another round of under-the-blanket loving. We hear some startling squelching noises, but then Brendon brings up Annie and how bad he feels about the situation, because that’s the perfect time to do so. Rachel gets mad, whipping her unnatural hair color around and doing a dismount.

They bicker for a bit, with Rachel getting way more bent out of shape than is justified. She is not happy, and lashes out, leading to Brendon mutter “You’re more concerned with making me feel stupid” than being supportive. Dude, that’s how it works in relationships, even if they are only a week old. Logic does not apply. Couples fight over meaningless, miniscule things. It’s one of the rules.

Side note, Brendon. It might be better for you if Wynona Judd-The Early Years gets sent home. Based on that little flare-up of obsession and anger, she could quickly turn into some sticky dead weight that will drag you down. Word.

Back to Julie, who has the results of the viewer poll about who they think The Saboteur might be. No surprise, it’s Kathy. She’s horrible in competitions (how many times did they show her sliding of that damn wiener?), and her over-use of mascara automatically marks her as a villain. The live audience turns handsprings and bellows, because they really don’t get out much.

Then Julie says she’ll reveal the actual Saboteur right after the commercial break. She tries to wink slyly, but that would mean showing actual emotion, and her body just won’t allow her to do that.

Commercial break. Ford trucks, something greasy from Taco Bell, the latest prescription drug that will make you not care, and vaginal wash. We truly have become a numb society.

Back to Julie. And The Saboteur is? Annie. We then see shots of perky little Annie running about the house and causing mayhem. She put the lock on the pantry door. She put the X’s on the photo wall. Oh, and some business that we haven’t seen yet. She placed annoying electronic devices in odd places so they can make noise and irritate random people.

So now they catch us up, with shots of flummoxed houseguests (it doesn’t take much) wondering where the hell that NOISE is coming from in the middle of the night. Enzo, irritated: “Meow-Meow has to sleep for at least nine hours.” Jersey Boy, do you not understand how emasculating that stupid nickname is? We can’t take you seriously. Everything out of your mouth is overruled by your mystifying Garfield obsession.

Back to Julie again. “Annie has to dig herself out of the hole she’s in.”

Well, yeah. Bet you producers are staining your pressed linen shirts with all the sweating about your cute little Saboteur concept possibly going down the toilet in the first week. Didn’t really envision that coming, did you?

Darth Vadar is on the monitor with another garbled message for the houseguests. “I escaped the block this time.” At first, the general thought is that The Saboteur must be anyone who didn’t get nominated this week. Then Britney insists on a literal interpretation: The Saboteur was on the block but got off. Meaning it can only be one person. All eyes turn to Brendon. Kill him now!

Annie just sits on the couch and slyly smiles. Things just might work out for her after all. The house might not be able to get Brendon out right now, what with his 13-letter Veto win, but they can sure shoot him in the foot by sending blanket-mate Rachel home.

Annie gets to work with her campaign, especially when she finds Kathy, Enzo, Monet, Britney and Lane lounging on the back deck, bored out of their minds and waiting for anything of interest to happen in the house. Annie casually mentions that Brendon lied about being a scientist in real life. When they all bite, she launches, and even mentions that it would thrill her to send Brendon home next week. That is, if you keep me THIS week. Wink, wink.

Anyway, it’s finally time for the live eviction, with everyone gathered in the couch room. Julie tries to keep things light by asking Enzo a pointless question, something about his Momma’s cooking. No one cares, Julie, and we sure know that YOU don’t. Can we start with the voting?

The girls proceed to plead their case.

Annie starts out fine, all polite yet firm. But then she goes ballistic on Brendon. (Sweetie, he’s not even on the block.) “You LIED to me!… I thought you were my friend!” On and on, until finally Julie stops her because it’s almost time to feed the baby and she’s got places to go.

Rachel, by comparison, is pretty weak. She giggles and tells everybody that she loves them. Several times. Then she sits down and waits for the next time she can color her hair.

The first three votes are for Annie. Then Julie suddenly stops things, and makes a really big speech about how The Saboteur’s neck is on the line and that her eviction could really change things. It’s clear that the producers have told Julie to really milk the saboteur angle because they might not get to ever use it again. Julie babbles us into a break.

More commercials about things we don’t need.

Back to Julie, still babbling. I think we get it, Jules. The Saboteur might go home. Pretty clear. And seven votes later, it’s VERY clear. Annie’s going home, ten to zip. (That sound you hear is the producers booting up the files for Plan B.) Annie tromps out the door, while the remaining cast stands in front of the picture wall and waits for Annie’s mug to go dark. (Wow, check out Monet. She’s got some massive heels on that make her look seven-feet tall. Britney, standing next to her, suddenly looks like she belongs on the Yellow Brick Road.)

In the exit interview, Annie turns out to be very composed, intelligent and witty. (Julie: “You made a great speech. Why no votes to save you?” Annie: “They’re not smart.”) And who does Annie think can go all the way? Brendon. Then we watch the goodbye tapes, where we see that Britney is very vindictive (she’s quickly sliding way downwards on my likeability stick) and Rachel confirms that she is, indeed, crazy, ranting about delusional things that don’t make any sense. Clairol #57: Manic Magenta.

Time for the Head of Household competition.

It’s one of those “Majority Rules” things, where the players have to answer questions in a way that most of the house will answer. Off we go and houseguests start dropping. One interesting note is that Enzo, Matty and Lane (Hayden can’t compete as outgoing HOH) all screw up on the same question, meaning The Brigade gets knocked out in one swoop. It comes down to Britney, Monet and Rachel in a tie-breaker.

And Rachel wins.

Intriguing turn of events, eh? (And THAT sound you hear is Hayden slipping into a pair of Pampers…)

Stay tuned.

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