Monday, July 26, 2010

Searching For Signal: #142 - “Big Brother” - Season 12 - Episode 8

Okay, we tune in to find the HOH competition still going on, where people are being all Gidget on a surfboard and trying not to plummet the two feet to the little pond. There’s only so much excitement to be gained from watching people stand, so we have a round of Diary Room confessions.

Brendon: “I gotta win this thing.” Um, probably a good idea.

Enzo: “The Brigade has gotta drop grenades.” Really don’t care for it when people come up with a boring catchphrase and then proceed to repeat it until you want to claw your face.

Andrew: “I can’t go on slop because it’s not kosher!” See what I mean?

Britney: “I gotta win this thing.” Heard that already. Next.

Lane: Something about a clown at a rodeo. I drifted off.

Kathy: “I might have sealed my fate,” voting for Matt and all. “But I’m gonna vote the way I want.”

Matt: “Kathy sucks.”

Back to the courtyard, where people are starting to drop and we finally have some excitement. Kathy goes down first, which is no surprise because she’s already proven with the wiener thing that if there’s wind beneath her wings, she’s gonna plunge. Then Lane goes down, possibly due to memories of the rodeo clown. Kristen drops, followed by Hayden. (I’m assuming they immediately ran behind a bush and turned off the lights.) Finally, Britney and her glaring nail polish hit the water. This makes them the five “Haves” for the week.

Just as I’m realizing that Andrew has some really long, skinny legs, we have Enzo in the Diary Room, talking about the same thing: “Those short shorts don’t look kosher.”

Matty starts talking smack, trying to psych out the remaining players. Enzo, not the sharpest, forgets he’s in an alliance with Matty, and tumbles. Then Ragan has a nice gay pride moment, telling all those people from his traumatizing high school years that they can go suck it, cause he’s on Big Brother AND doing really good in this competition. Rachel suddenly screams “Brendon, don’t fall!” and we cut to commercial.

Oh, come ON, people. That was NOT necessary. We endure ads for motorized wheelchairs (Never miss another game of Bingo! Run down people at the mall!) and motorized beds that can apparently cure every known physical condition.

And we’re back. Despite Rachel’s tremendous lung power, Brendon does not survive and gets all wet. This leaves just Andrew, Ragan and Matt. Ragan turns to Andrew and offers: “If I win HOH, I will not nominate you, and I will not use you as a replacement.” That’s a pretty sweet deal. Perhaps Ragan should spend some time learning better negotiating skills. You don’t use everything in your first offer. (Andrew yells to everybody in a five-block vicinity: “Did y’all hear that?”) Two seconds later, Andrew and his short shorts are in the water.

Matty gets a little pissy because he wasn’t invited to the U.N. subcommittee, so Ragan asks the rest of the crowd “Can Matt and I talk?” They all thunder inside the house like there are margaritas in the blender. Ragan: “What are your thoughts?” (Quick shot of Ragan in the Diary Room: “I trust Matt.” Poor thing.) Matt is actually all cocky, and doesn’t seriously try to make a deal. The rest of the house finally comes back outside, fully expecting to find that one of them “accidentally fell,” but this is not the case. They look disappointed.

But they get their wish a bit later, when Ragan takes a nosedive. Matty wins HOH.

Brendon goes to find Rachel. She’s off in one of the rooms, bawling. “He’s going to send me home!” Brendon: “You can’t treat him any differently.” Chin up and all that. Then they rub noses and paw at each other, whispering words of support. Um, folks, “can’t treat him any differently” means “get you asses out there and quit hiding in the bedroom”.

Rachel, finally drying her tears (or maybe they were just soaked up by her hair) goes to Matt in the HOH room, pleading her case. Matt: “You broke the deal by telling our secret. I have no allegiances.” That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you tell the truth and yet lie at the same time.

Britney and Enzo, with her making fun of his Jersey accent. Yes, Britney, with that country twang that could trip up a herd of wild buffalo, making fun of another dialect. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “What’s wrong with the way I talk? I think SHE’S speakin’ wrong.” Okay, maybe Britney does win this round.)

Matt shows off his new HOH Room, and reads a letter from his wife, which is magically worded so that it DOES sounds like she has some serious medical condition even though she doesn’t. The girls get all misty-eyed, and the guys get quiet, because they don’t know how to express emotion. (Andrew in the Diary Room: “I’m sorry I doubted him.) Puh-leeze. I can’t WAIT for the truth to come out about THAT mess. Sadly, this might not happen until the final show, when Matt wins the big money while his wife is off to the side in a Lucy Ricardo outfit, stomping grapes with no issue.

Matty in the Diary Room (“My reign of terror is working perfectly!”), followed by the Brigade in the HOH Room. The talk is all about feeding Rachel and Brendon to the wolves. (Matt again in the Diary Room: “But really, Kathy’s kinda on my radar.”) Then Hayden inexplicably leaves the room in mid-sentence.

He rushes off to a room bathed in the sexy green night-vision for some Kristen lovin’. He tells her “We have to be VERY careful.” Can’t have anybody finding out about this. Then Kristen screams in orgasm, so I’m not sure if their secret is safe.

Back to the HOH Room with the three remaining Brigade members. Now they’re thinking that Hayden and Kristen might be the couple in the house that knew each other before. “They look just alike!” (Totally don’t get that.) Lane: “They have the same birthmark!” Which is true, but I’m more impressed to learn that Lane can actually remember things from day to day. They talk about getting rid of Kristen so she won’t prove troublesome in the end. Quick shot of some Hayden and Kristen monkey love.

Cut to Rachel sitting on Brendon’s lap, with her and her breasts giving him a haircut. Snuggles and snipping. Suddenly, Andrew marches in with a vacuum and goes after the droppings. (What, is HAIR not kosher now?) Dude, seriously, they’re kind of busy. Then we have the love birds in an actual bed, playing slap and tickle in the dark, and Andrew bursts in again, intent on organizing his sock drawer. Does he just not understand something? This probably explains why he’s divorced.

Britney and Lane standing in the kitchen, gazing out the window as Brendon and Rachel show they’s in love out in the courtyard. Brit and Lane start acting like they are Brendon and Rachel, with on-target one liners and such, and it’s really pretty funny. Then we have Lane in the Diary Room. “I’ve role-played a couple of times back in Texas. Mainly with horses and cows. Wondering what they’re thinking.”

What the HELL?

People are sitting on the patio, wondering what the “Have-not” food might be this week. Then they wander inside and discover that it’s baby food and bok choy. Andrew is beside himself with joy, because the baby food is kosher. The rest of the Have-not’s aren’t so impressed with goo in jars.

Oh, come on, people. Haven’t you ever been feeding your highchair-encased little niece, and taken a sample bite just to show the tyke how it’s done? Some of that stuff is GOOD. Wait, did I just reveal too much? Seriously, it’s not like I seek it out, sneaking into Wal-Mart and buying cases. I just… well… oh, never mind.

Matt, Brendon and Rachel in the HOH Room. Matt wants to make a deal. (Rachel digs in her purse for a bobby pin and a dry-cleaning receipt, ready to hand it over to Monty Hall, then remembers where she is.) Matt makes it simple: I don’t put you guys up, you don’t put me up next week.

Rachel in the Diary Room: I totally don’t believe him.

Matt and Andrew in the HOH Room (that place is busy, sayin). Matt: I might nominate you, but you aren’t the target. Just wanted to let you know. Andrew: Why not “those two”? Matt: “Because there’s a huge backdoor opportunity.” See, I don’t like it when people I can’t stand (Matty) actually seem to be using some logic. Makes me nervous.

Nomination Ceremony.

We do the key-drawing thing, and I’m stunned when Rachel’s key comes out next to last. Even more stunned when Brendon’s key is last. This leaves Kathy and Andrew without a key, and puts them on the block. Wow.

Matt tells Kathy: “I have no idea where you are in this game, and you voted for me.” Fair.

Matt tells Andrew: “You were gunnin’ for me, maybe you still are, and I’m all by myself. I gotta protect myself.” Not fair. Matt has the Brigade.

But the other members of the Brigade look totally stunned. So he didn’t run this by them? Interesting.

Shots of Kathy and Andrew being all cranky in the Diary Room. They mad.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “Matty better have a backdoor plan.”

Matt in the Diary Room: “No plan. I’m just gonna see how it goes.”

Then he just grins….

1 comment:

  1. I myself love plum pudding baby food. But for godsake don't TELL ANYONE.