1. Failure is inevitable.
It doesn’t matter how carefully you read the directions, or how meticulously you assume and perform your playing stance in front of the TV. When you are trying to prove yourself in front of relatives who will never let you live down athletic failure, virtual or otherwise, you are doomed to do something insipid that will cause the Frisbee to sail out of bounds and decapitate several innocent bystanders. It won’t be pretty.
And it doesn’t matter how clearly you try to explain that you waved your arm just right, but the damn Frisbee went AWOL and did that messy thing with people named Biff and Claire as they discussed stock options on the fairway. No one will believe you. They will assume for the rest of their lives that you have no talent whatsoever.
2. Satan has taken possession of the Wii remotes.
More precisely, Lucifer has gained control of your remote. Only yours. No one else will be experiencing the technical difficulties that you encounter. You throw firmly to the right, and the Frisbee zooms to the left. You barely flick your wrist, and the Frisbee sets sail for North Korea. You do absolutely nothing at all, seriously, and the Frisbee takes off on its own, lands in a water hazard, and sinks to the bottom, never to be seen again.
Meanwhile, people who are not even trying to do things right will have amazing success. Total drunken fools can trip over the coffee table while reaching for the bean dip, bang their head on the fireplace mantel, knocking themselves unconscious and dropping to the floor, yet still manage to push the right button that results in a hole-in-one. It totally sucks.
3. Do not leave your Wii remote unattended.
Everyone else in the family will do whatever it takes to win, including snatching up your unguarded remote and jacking with the controls to seal your devastating fate. It will take you three full rounds before you realize that you are now Player Two and not Player Four. You’ve been throwing at the wrong time, and no one has bothered to tell you this.
Or they simply play for you when you’re distracted by something shiny in the other room. When you finally wander back into the playing arena and question why it has been so long since it was your turn, they will all tell you that you just played but you’re too drunk to remember. Since you’ve had just enough rum-laced eggnog that things are a bit foggy, you just sit there in confusion, all alone on the couch except for some stale Cheetos and that one cousin that nobody ever talks to because it’s just too much work and life’s too short.
Take precautions. Keep the remote with you at all times. Use it to stir your drink, scoop out some cheese dip, and hold it over your head while you pee.
4. Do not attempt to write a blog post about playing Wii Frisbee Golf while a nearby TV is showing Lisa Lampanelli hosting a roast of Larry the Cable Guy on Comedy Central.
This is far too much distraction for any human being to endure.
5. People will not listen to directions.
It doesn’t matter how many times you explain to them about which buttons to push, they will never get it right the first 16 times they push something. The game grinds to a complete halt while they pound away on every button except the correct one. And if you dare to question them about which button they are pushing, they will become irate and scream that they are pushing the right one, even though everyone can plainly see that they are nowhere near the right button.
You need to get these people out of the game as soon as possible. And this is the only time that you are allowed to legally jack with someone else’s remote. Wait until this loser becomes confused figuring out where the cucumber sandwiches are, then snatch up their remote, take out the batteries, and throw the remote over the backyard fence.
6. Do not eat fiber less than six hours before the Wii competition.
You might get away with clenching and sweating in front of everyone if you play just a 3-hole game or some such. But if you agree to 9 or 18 holes, there will be an incident.
7. The Wii people are not lying when they tell you to use the safety strap on the remote.
Do so. Otherwise, you will find yourself responsible for an out-of-control remote sailing through the air and whacking Granny’s head into the punch bowl as she’s innocently trying to gnaw her way through a piece of peanut brittle. Intensive discussion will result, and your prospects in Granny’s bequeathing activities will plummet. Small cousins will call you The Granny Killer for years afterwards.
8. Trees are your enemies.
They come out of nowhere. The damn things are not even showing on the cute little map, and suddenly your Frisbee is slamming into one, tossing your disc into some seldom-visited thicket of crap that doesn’t even appear on the playing grid. This isn’t fair at all. A gigantic tree slapping down your tiny piece of plastic. Trees should die.
9. Once you mess up, you’re screwed for the rest of the round.
As soon as you hit a tree, veer off to Cambodia, or concuss your grandmother, you will never recover enough to make a respectable score for the hole. You will now perform even more amazing feats of mind-numbing failure, like throwing the disc only two feet or actually managing to make the thing land behind where you are standing.
And the game is not very supportive in your time of need. Instead of getting a cute little name for your score like “birdie” or “bogey”, the game just lets you know that you were 17 strokes over par. There’s not a nickname. And if you’re really good at being bad, the game will simply tell you that you can’t throw any more and that you need to sit down before you do any more damage.
10. Frisbee Golf is a basically worthless game.
Yes, I know that people actually do this in real life. But why?