Tuesday, November 16, 2010
10 Things To Do While Bored at a Stoplight
1. Stick your hands out the sunroof and try to get everybody to do The Wave.
They won’t, but at least you can say you tried. This will make for a great story that you can repeat in your later years, when you’re sitting in a rocker on the lanai at the Happy Valley of Perpetual Decay nursing home.
2. Organize your CD collection.
You know you’ve got those things scattered all over the car. Gather up all the ones that you can reach and pile them in the passenger seat. Flip through them a little bit, then realize it’s pointless trying to arrange them alphabetically. You’re just going to get them all out of whack within a few hours anyway. In the end, just ignore the pile until you make a sharp turn, and let gravity whisk them away and out of your sight once more.
3. Roll down the window and throw out a pair of underwear.
This can be a little tricky, having to squirm around in your seat until you can release the desired projectile, but it’s really worth the shock value in the end. You get extra points if you manage to hook your panties on the antenna of another car.
4. Hit the seat adjuster in a violent manner that will cause you to drop from view.
Most people won’t notice, because they’re too busy being self-absorbed and making pointless texts on their phones, but hopefully you’ll catch the attention of someone who is actually watching the road. For added effect, pop your head into view, scream, and then flop back down.
5. Turn on your windshield wipers even though the sun is shining.
This will cause people to crane their heads so they can peer up at the sky, as if they’ve missed something of great importance and are trying to catch up. Hit the button that squirts out the wiper fluid, and hold it down as long as possible. Hopefully you have one of those power squirters that will douse the car behind you. If anyone else also turns on their wipers, you automatically win this round.
6. Clean out your glove box.
Correction. Open the door to the glove box, marvel in astonishment at the thousands of things that you have crammed in there for no apparent reason, then slam it shut. Life’s too short.
7. Put the car in park, then send a Morse Code message using the brake lights.
Again, most people will have no idea what you are doing, other than being an idiot. But there might be a Boy Scout in a minivan who will suddenly turn to his mother and holler “Iceberg dead ahead? We‘ve got to help those people!” Mom will smile sweetly, pop another tranquilizer, and remind herself to cut back on her child’s sugar intake.
8. Use reverse psychology on pan handlers.
Get the attention of one of those unwashed jerks waving a sign that they obviously stole from one of their friends while he was passed out under a bridge, and motion them over. When they arrive at your window, immediately begin babbling about how you’ve just run out of gas and you need to get to your nonexistent aunt’s funeral. Ask them for a spare quarter. Promise that you won’t use the money to buy beer, then belch.
9. Irritate the people waiting for a bus.
There’s always one of those half-structures where people who don’t want to be near one another are huddled on a bench, bored and waiting for mass transit to transform their lives. Holler out the window “I have a car and I can go wherever I want whenever I want. You suck.” This might get you killed, but until that happens, it will be cleansing and fun. (If one of those “green people” confronts you and tries to make you feel guilty about abusing the Earth’s fragile resources by driving a gas-hogging SUV, explain to them that you have a fuel-efficient car that is powered by the spilled blood of people who should really mind their own business.)
10. Sing show tunes.
And as we all know, a show tune is not really effective unless you add choreography. Leap out of your car and hop onto the hood. Do some nice fan kicks and wave your arms about to indicate that you have triumphed over adversity and all you want to do is bellow about it like someone shoved a power cord into a private orifice. If anyone throws anything at you, take this to mean that they really would like you to do an encore, and continue warbling until actual gunfire breaks out. If the police arrive, point at other people and look offended.