1. White Flat Road
Really? They couldn’t think of anything else to name this thing? Granted, there’s not a lot of inspiring natural landmarks, but even the most simple, dust-coated roadway engineer could have come up with something better. Like “Squashed Armadillo Boulevard”, “Tumbleweed Gulch” or “Toothless Yokel Peeing By The Side of the Road”. Use your imagination, people. Geez.
2. Stink Creek Road
How can you put this address on a letter or an application and still feel good about yourself? I mean, if you were born there and such, you might not realize that there’s a better life out there. But to purposely move here, or even look for an antique shop on this road, well, then you deserve whatever might happen in the dark of the night.
3. Old Lamesa Road
This implies that there must be a “new” Lamesa Road somewhere, but I sure didn’t see it. And what was wrong with the old one? Why was it necessary to build a new one that people can’t find? Are we supposed to just avoid Lamesa entirely? Was there an incident involving whiskey, snuff, and incest? (For some reason, those three things come to mind if you are stupid enough to get off the main highway). So many questions, so many miles between exits to think about the possible answers.
4. Whorton Road
You know this road led to Whoretown at some point back in the day, but then the Baptists showed up and made people change things. Whoretown itself is now probably a Bible Camp run by descendants of the original well-traveled lady founders, with the town rechristened “Jubilee” or “Jedediahville”, where they serve S’mores around the campfire instead of cooter.
5. Blackland Road
Three guesses who used to live here. Because people were so subtle in the days of segregation, lynchings and racist real estate zoning decisions. Some people out here think that since Abe Lincoln was assassinated, that whole “Emancipation” thing didn’t really count.
6. Dick Ware Unit
Not making this up. This little exit supposedly takes you to some aspect of the local correctional facility, named after some guy that was a mayor or football star or really successful used-car salesman. Clearly, somebody wasn’t thinking when they made this naming decision. And still not thinking when they made a big-ass sign by the side of Highway 20, with an arrow pointing, not realizing what people would think . I’m sure the hookers from Whoretown were totally surprised by what they found after driving their horseless carriage down the exit ramp.
7. Noodle Dome Road
8. Haytor Road
Visions of Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter living in a cul-de-sac, handing out miniature hooded robes and “My First Gay-Bashing” primer kits on Halloween, then attending PTA meetings where they remove the word “progress” from all school textbooks.
9. Desdemona Boulevard
Wow. Did somebody out here actually read Shakespeare? Maybe they thought it was an old-school manual on how to make hand-carved weapons like the Amish people.
10. The George Bush Highway to Heaven between Midland and Odessa, TX
Okay, this one doesn’t actually exist (not yet, anyway) but it might as well. These people worship the Bushes. WOR-SHIP. There are giant billboards with Bush the First, Shrub, and Laura all over the place. Billboards. With bible scriptures, halos, and no black people. (Local restaurants have menu items like “The Obama Roadkill Pulled Pork Sandwich” and “Pulverized Pelosi Potato Salad”.)
This is not just a nexus of conservative thought, but something far beyond that. It’s a way of life, with strict rules and regulations. You must have Fox News playing in the background at all given times, lest you forget who you’re supposed to hate today. If the police pull you over and there’s not a copy of George Bush’s “Talking Points” somewhere in the vehicle, you’re probably going to jail.
And the traffic signals in town? The three colors are red, red, and red. Because yellow and green are too close to the color blue. And we can’t have that….