10 Things To Do When the Heater Is Not Working in Your House

  1. Cuss out everybody on the planet.

  This accomplishes nothing, of course, but it feels good, and all that hot air spewing out of your mouth might temporarily raise the temperature a degree or two. You can also slap people, because this also generates the illusion of a heat increase. Sadly, once you’re done bellowing and backhanding, it’s still cold, and no one wants to be your friend.

  2. Call a technician to see when he can come out and determine what the hell is wrong.

  Listen to him laugh for a while when you mention that you’d really like for him to come out today. Roll your eyes when he explains that there are 750 people on his waiting list, some of them having been there for a month. Pretend that you don’t know what he’s talking about when he reminds you that he strongly suggested you have the heating checked out back in August. (It was hot then, and if some fool had turned on the heater the entire family would have exploded.) Hang up in disgust when he announces that the soonest he can be out is next weekend.

  3. Start a fire in the fireplace.

  Oh, wait. You haven’t used this fireplace since 2003, and all you did then was light up a nice candle arrangement that was on sale at Pier 1. You don’t really need this fireplace, because it’s Texas, and Winter only lasts 3 days, making it pointless to buy firewood. Do you even remember how to use it?

  Squat before the fireplace. Move aside the fancy screen that protects you from the fires that never burn. Shove your head in the pit and then try to look up, checking to see if there’s some type of blockage, like birds’ nests or relatives that no one has spoken to in a while. It’s completely dark, so you learn nothing. Instinct tells you that this is probably not a good idea, because even if your home burns to the ground because you don’t know what you’re doing, that damn heating technician will still charge you for a house call when he finally shows up in 2015.

  4. Make a fun game out of your situation, like “Twister on Ice” or “Hide and Seek a Polar Bear”.

  This will last roughly three seconds  before somebody wants a divorce. There are certain times when you really shouldn’t try to be all Pollyanna about things.

  5. Put on extra layers of clothing.

  Put on anything that looks like it might be warm and cozy, even if it smells like moth balls and has been out of style since the Mayflower first ran into that rock. Yes, it can kind of restrict your movement a bit, but really, it’s not like you’re going to be doing a whole lot when you can see your own breath inside the house. But be careful. You don’t want to get so carried away that you look like a bison tromping down the hallway. This is dangerous, because we’re in the middle of hunting season, and some dumb-ass won’t hesitate to take you down when you step outside to check the mail.

  6. Take hot showers.

  Stay in there as long as possible. Find things to do to pass the time, like singing or counting how many tiles there are. Try out all the different face scrubs and body washes that have slowly accumulated after people tried them one time and then abandoned them. Throw the ones you don’t like out of the shower, peeking to see if they freeze in mid-air, because that would be kind of cool. If necessary, move the TV so that you can see it from the shower. Make sure it’s the TV that has the most crap on the DVR, so you can catch up on things.

  7. Go out for dinner.

  It’s a proven fact that eating can make any situation more enjoyable. Pick a restaurant with notoriously-slow service, so you can further delay going back to the Ice Cave. Tell everyone who will listen about your heating woes. They won’t care, but it will make you feel a little better, and that’s all that really matters. Order really spicy things from the menu to help raise your body temperature. Oh, and drink a lot of alcohol. This will make things more bearable when you develop frostbite in the middle of the night.

  8. Go shopping.

  Head toward one of those stores that always has a really good sale going on. This will ensure a large amount of people running about, because frenzied idiots in groups always generate a lot of heat. Kill time by fully exploring the housewares department, picking up every single item at least twice, and never putting anything back where you found it. If they have space-heaters, take all of them out of the box and turn every one of them on. If you end up getting arrested for your actions, it’s actually a good thing, because now you have somewhere toasty to spend the night, even if the room service isn’t very good.

  9. Go to bed.

    Pile at least 37 blankets on top of your shivering body. This might feel a little bit confining, but just pretend that you’re back in the womb, way before you had to worry about things like heater maintenance, taking responsibility for your life, and soggy croutons. Lay a pillow over your face, because we all know that body heat escapes through the top of your head. If you happen to have a partner and they get the wrong signal about your position in the Love Chamber, explain to them that this is not an invitation for Frisky Time. Things just don’t look right when it’s cold. Besides, you want to be warm the rest of the night, not just ten minutes.

  10. Move.

  You never liked this house anyway.