Friday, November 12, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Justin Timberlake - “Rock Your Body”

  Editor’s Note:  At first this looked like yet another dance video where people try to act all street as they bop about. Then I realized that Justin is actually telling the sad story of aliens taking over the planet, and it goes something like this…

  We start off in what initially looks like a giant cube where people can dance while pretty colors flash on the walls and ceiling. But this seemingly innocent room of rhythm is actually a communication transponder that the aliens use to spread their evil message. This can be confirmed by concentrating on that one dancer in black who keeps crossing his arms and striking thug poses. He’s actually instructing the people at Fox News to keep doing what they’re doing, because it will help them destroy the Earth at the proper time.

  Justin is wearing white so that we know he’s the good guy trying to fight the invasive force, but he has to be very careful and not blow his cover as a pop singer. So even though it looks like he just wants to sing and dance all the time, he’s secretly recruiting an army of resistance fighters. Part of his efforts include doing flips in mid-air, because that’s the international symbol of resistance fighters for “time to run get your gun, Bertha, them critters done landed”.

  And when Justin wiggles his hips and kicks his feet out to the side, he’s letting that underground group of freedom fighters in Oklahoma know that it’s time to initiate that procedure they talked about, the one involving all the cows. When Justin whips his jacket out of the way so we can see his studded belt, he’s signaling the sleeper cell in Arkansas to start loading the trucks with flammable moonshine.

  As we all know, you can’t trust the media anymore, except in a few rare cases. They’re just going to lie and say the aliens are good for the economy. So when Justin turns to his left and does that scissor action with his hands, he’s spelling out the call letters of the one secret radio station that will tell us the truth about what’s going on. Of course, I can’t type those call letters here or I might be killed.

  Wait, did you see that one black-clothed thug giving a thumbs up? That’s bad. He just let Rick Perry know in Texas that all stealth operations are a “go” and he can finally take off his mask. We’ve got to hurry or things could get really terrible, fast.

  Okay, good, Justin responded by twirling his finger over his head, which means that Columbia just joined the resistance. They may not be able to fight all that well, but at least they’ll bring some decent coffee when they show up.

  Now Justin is standing on that sparkly box. This means that people living in low-lying places should head toward the nearest mountain, pronto. The aliens are planning to flood the country, just like TV producers are doing with all those reality shows. Be sure to stock up on batteries before you leave the house.

  Justin just opened his jacket to show that he’s not packing a weapon. This is important information, as the aliens must have activated one of their death machines that causes gun ammunition to control your mind, making you want to just stay at home and not vote, just like lots of people did in the last election. We can’t have that. We will have to resort to the solar-powered weapons that we have been secretly building at progressive colleges across the country.

  Oh my, one of the alien leaders is trying to hypnotize Justin with her breasts. This could get nasty, but don’t worry, Justin has been fully trained in evasive maneuvers like suddenly flying to a hole in the ceiling or moving to France. He’ll be fine.

  Whoops, the evil alien temptress has brought in some reinforcements, with her scantily-clad minions trying to seduce the rest of Justin’s posse. (Of course, this method of attack won’t be effective on roughly 10% of his posse, but that’s not good enough. And his buddies aren’t as well-trained as Justin is, or this album would have their name on it, not his.)

  Side note: Justin slapping the floor is not to be confused with Justin slapping his knee. They indicate totally different military moves, and people should not get confused and accidentally destroy the wrong CD’s in their collection. Consult your Resistance Fighter manuals for more detail.

  Okay, good. Justin is now trying to negotiate with the alien leaders by speaking to them in their own language. We’ll just have to be patient and see how this goes, because one should always try diplomacy before deciding to kick extraterrestrial butt. You don’t want to be the idiot that blows up the planet, only to find out that the aliens really did “come in peace”. It wouldn’t look good on your resume.

  Hmmm. Justin seems to be grunting and gesturing quite a bit here. This could be a good sign, meaning that the aliens are at least listening to what he has to say, or a bad sign, that perhaps Justin didn’t use the right syntax and just antagonized the leaders with threats of Brazilian waxes and repeat viewings of “Hee Haw”.

  (Clarification: Justin just used the phrase “rock your body” amidst the grunting and hand motions, but I assure you that this does not mean what you think it does. My translation skills are a bit rusty, but “rock your body” in alienese really means “yes, you can have Sarah Palin back, we don’t even have to argue about that one”.)

  Okay, the verbal diplomacy is now over, and judging by the way Justin is now twirling in mid-air, instructing the resistance fighters in Tibet to put on their snowshoes and wake up the yaks, things didn’t go so well. And once he landed, Justin pulled his hood over his head so that countries like Switzerland can go ahead and declare their neutrality and continue to make chocolate like the world isn’t burning.

  (Those wisps of smoke floating across the screen? The aliens just destroyed the entire stock of hair products in California, so they really mean business.)

  Update: By Justin squatting and pumping his arms, he just sent a message to Congress that we need an emergency expedite on alien-deflection funding. The Senate responded by barely passing the bill. The House of Representatives responded by successfully blocking any votes. Glenn Beck responded by quickly announcing that there are no such things as aliens, deflections, funding, honesty or souls.

  And I’m sad to report, as you can see by the developments on your screen, that the aliens have just fired their Anti-Happiness laser into Justin’s studio, instantly turning him into an army of thoughtless droids bent on taking over the country, creating endless misery where nobody gets to wear cute clothes any more, and taking PBS off the air.

  We are entering a dark time, my friends. The only thing I can say is that you have to keep the faith, continue to do the right thing, and never answer the door if you don’t know who’s knock-




Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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