Monday, November 15, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Corey Hart - “Sunglasses At Night”

We start off with Corey sitting around his trashy apartment (seriously, does he ever wash dishes?) with the camera zooming in so we can see Corey reach out and grab his sunglasses. This cues a shot of some vaguely-military people marching along, possibly in a dark alley. They’re also wearing sunglasses at night, so I guess the word is already out that this is a cool thing to do. News travels fast.

Cut to a vaguely-military female as she puts on her own pair of shades, and then turns to look at the camera, perhaps thinking she’s doing a Vogue cover-shoot. Quick shot of steam coming out of a pipe, so maybe we were supposed to think that woman was super hot, but we couldn’t really see enough to determine if we like her appearance or not. Next we have Corey leaning up against those pipes and singing. He seems to be having trouble staying still, so we’re not sure what’s up. Back to Corey in his apartment, and he’s still fidgety. He might want to see someone about that.

Then Corey is running down some hallway, and he suddenly vanishes. Okay, then. Corey has special powers in this video. Didn’t see that coming. I thought this was going to be all about eyewear and dance clubs. My bad. Whoops, now he’s back at the pipes, so he must really like standing there. Wait, now he’s in the hallway again, and the military people with the pink cummerbunds are marching his way. Corey doesn’t seem pleased with this, and he holds up his hand in the universal symbol for “I really don’t care to talk to you. Please leave.”

Next up is Corey in a phone booth, and I’m not really believing in the integrity of the scene, because the receiver is white, and I’ve never seen a white payphone in my entire life. (Maybe this is a California thing.) Corey is singing on the phone to someone we can’t see, so it’s a little confusing. (Oh wait, was he talking to Vogue Girl?) We can see the pink-accessoried military people marching near the booth.

As a defense mechanism that might make sense on another planet, Corey breaks into the loud chorus of the song. This action results in two observations: One, Corey has incredibly large teeth. Second, he probably shouldn’t be making the face he makes when singing the chorus. It’s a little off-putting, and will not help his case if he should ever find himself in a hearing to determine his sanity.

But apparently the demon screaming worked, because the military people shuffle on by and Corey runs the other way. We see him briefly back in his apartment, still singing too forcefully, and then he’s back in that dang hallway that we don’t understand. (Quick shot of Vogue Girl not understanding things, either.) Then Corey reappears in the part of the hallway where Scotty beamed him up earlier, so I guess he managed to get his pants to the dry-cleaners or whatever he was doing.

Back to Corey’s apartment, where he’s lying on his bed and doing upper-body levitation exercises. Some of these movements require him to wear his sacred sunglasses, so I’m sure they are really advanced moves and you probably shouldn’t try them at home without the proper training.

Cut to another part of the mysterious and endless hallway, with lots of people lined up on one side, not doing anything and looking bored, waiting for the camera to roll past them so they can break and go to lunch at that new Mexican restaurant that they’ve heard about. Corey glances at them for a second and then keeps walking. He has bigger issues, like the fact that his shirt got torn somewhere along the way, probably when he was doing that strange yoga.

Shots of somebody repeatedly stamping a document that they really hate, a small girl wearing the sunglasses and cussing out her agent, and then we’re back to the line of bored people. One of them is playing a stringed instrument, so at least he’s doing something of minimal interest, but we still aren’t really invested in these slacker people. Corey doesn’t have time for the impromptu concert because his shirt is still torn.

Corey reaches a point in the hallway where those military people are standing, looking like they obviously never had to stand in a military uniform until they were hired for this shoot. They grab Corey and force him to walk with them. The camera cuts to Corey’s orange shoes. Is this indicating what his crime might be, or did the cameraman trip over that little girl?

Now Vogue Girl is reviewing some papers in her Art Deco office while a blue light flashes outside. Back to Corey and his shoes still being forcibly escorted wherever. Then Corey’s back in his apartment, where he still hasn’t bothered to clean anything. He continues to insist on singing that song as if he’s Vampire Lestat who just sniffed something tasty in the night air. Montage of Lestat, Corey and his rude little friends, and the angry woman stamping that same document. (Oh, and more of the strange yoga in Corey’s bedroom.)

This goes on for a while, then we see Corey and friends tromping up some metal stairs. They drag Corey into what turns out to be Vogue Girl’s office, so she must be somebody really important. Something makes Vogue Girl really upset (she lost the L’Oreal contract?) and she slams her fists on the desk, which immediately leads to Corey being locked in a jail cell.

And it seems that the cell is right there in Vogue Girl’s office, because now they are staring at each other with what might be forbidden lust or just boredom. Corey is still singing the song, of course, but with the way he is clutching the bars of the cell and doing this thrusting movement to the beat, I’m reminded of far too many gay porn scenes where something completely different is taking place in that cell. Perhaps Corey should have considered some alternate choreography.

Oh look, apparently Vogue Girl has seen the same type of movies, because she suddenly lowers her shades to get a better gander at the goings on. (Corey keeps thrusting.) Vogue Girl then leaps up from her desk and releases Corey into the night. Corey wanders away without even saying thanks or promising to write.

We end things back at Corey’s apartment, where day is breaking and it seems that all of the preceding shenanigans were just a dream. The camera slowly rolls backwards so we can see that Corey still hasn’t bothered to pick up after himself. Fade to black.

Dude. Get a housekeeper. Seriously.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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