Thursday, November 25, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Ciara - “Gimmie Dat”

We start off with shots of a really fancy car driving into what might be an abandoned factory complex. The car rolls to a halt, the door slides up, and we see two legs pop out, sporting tennis shoes with 6-inch plastic spike heels. (It’s probably not Laura Bush getting out of the car.) Nope, it’s Ciara, who is already tall, so the high-heels make her look like an Amazon with an attitude.

The music kicks in, which inspires Ciara to open the hood of the car, and then stand there thrusting her booty back and forth. (She wants to make it with a turbo engine?) Ciara gets bored with that, probably because the engine is not responding back, so she wanders a little bit away, where she has more clearance to shake her booty with even fiercer determination.

Still not satisfied with the response from the crowd (honey, there’s no one else there, what are you expecting?), Ciara then marches over to another area in the lot, firmly aims her pelvis at one of the buildings, and then lets rip with some very athletic thrusting. At one point she is shoving her crotch forward so hard that her head is practically banging on the ground behind her. That itch must be bad. Somebody really needs to help this woman out. Like the entire graduating class of Brooklyn High School. And their parents.

Ciara then wanders into one of the buildings, leaving her car outside, which is probably not a good idea, but she can afford another one, so it’s not that important. Once inside, Ciara runs into a total stranger that just happens to know the same dance moves that she does. So they gyrate all over the warehouse floor for a while, with the guy barely able to keep up with Ciara as she pinwheels all over the place.

During one of the smooth moves, Ciara manages to completely change her outfit, which is a neat trick. More dancing ensues, mostly of the “kick your legs to the side cuz we got us a hoedown” variety. Then Ciara really ramps it up with some rapid-fire stepping, just as someone decides to turn on a strobe light, so Ciara looks like a June bug on crack. At one point, Ciara whips out a white towel and waves it around, which causes her partner to completely vanish. (He couldn’t keep up, anyway. Screw him.)

Ciara magically changes outfits once again and we find her in another room in the warehouse, with walls that apparently need to be rubbed by Ciara’s busy booty or they will collapse. She happily obliges, practically stripping a layer of concrete off the walls because the friction is so intense. Ciara also does a handstand so she can bang her crotch against the abused walls as well. (I don’t know why she couldn’t just turn around to do that, but I’m not Ciara and my body parts don’t need that much attention.)

Now Ciara has found a bunch of new friends in one of the really big warehouse rooms, and they proceed to do a very energetic line dance that involves a lot of arm-thrusting. Her new friends are all military men, indicating that Ciara likes her lovers to wear uniforms. They stomp around for quite a while, until someone notices a giant stack of wooden pallets off to one side, so they run over their to see what damage they can do.

Not much, it turns out. They dance on top of the pallets for about two seconds, then decide it would be more fun for all the guys to lie on the floor and have Ciara drive her booty backwards toward them so they can jump over her head. Then the gang is back on the crates for a bit because if somebody took the time to stack them so they looked like a concert stage, them people sure as hell better dance on them for a while.

Now we have Ciara in some room where the lighting is messed up, showing things in the negative, so that we can better study Ciara’s form-fitting dress. She does more of that “bending over until my head drags the ground” business, as well as some squat-thrusts near some exposed plumbing. (Have I mentioned that Ciara really loves her body? She do.) Eventually somebody figures out the issue with the lighting and we’re back to normal colors.

Which prompts Ciara to run to another room where it’s raining inside. She then does a dance that might be a tribute to penguins, or an indication that maybe the thong panties weren’t such a good idea after all. There’s a couch in this room but nobody is sitting on it because, well, it’s raining inside, and you should probably stay on your feet for when the rest of the Apocalypse gets here.

Ciara doesn’t seem bothered at all by the rain, strutting around and whipping her hair so that it splashes the camera. The rain, however, does nothing to cool off Ciara’s fevered loins, and she spends a great deal of time trying to tend to the needs of her over-baked muffin. She finally can’t stand it anymore and slaps the ground in frustration.

Which briefly transports Ciara to an odd room where she crawls around like a panther, and then we zip over to yet another room that is apparently a fertility clinic, because we suddenly have about 6 Ciara’s wearing belts as tube tops while they dance around and beg for people to give them some bass. (I’m thinking they need something a little stronger than that.) This is a little creepy, but I’m not signing the paychecks here.

These girls are really angry about something, punching at the air and grimacing like things are lodged where they shouldn’t be. I don’t think I want to be friends with any of these Ciara’s. Luckily, the song is winding down, and we only have few more jiggle hops before the extra Ciara’s disappear and it’s just the original version, lashing out at us with one final punch before she turns and walks away.

What happened to this woman that she’s so bitter? Geez.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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