Well, I suppose
you don’t actually have to shove
things, if that seems especially violent and unsocial to you. We all have our
own preferred methods of delivering cargo to our pie-holes, so feel free to do
what you must, as long as it’s relatively legal and no one is injured in the
process. Anyway, the following delicacies should be placed on your tongue as
soon as humanly possible, unless there are religious or self-confidence issues
holding you back:
1. Ghiradelli Intense Dark Cabernet Matinee
That’s right,
folks. Chocolate with a hint of wine flavoring. Now, maybe such a pairing is a
widely-known treat that has been around forever, and I’m just late to the game.
(It wouldn’t be the first time, I don’t get out all that much.) But when I
walked around the corner and came upon this staring at me in the candy section,
I was stunned. It was all I could do to keep from ripping the package open
right then. The only thing that kept me from doing so was the fear that I might
make extremely-satisfied noises that would send small children scurrying to
their parents with reports that a strange man had just gone into heat in aisle
4.
I realize that
some people are not fond of dark chocolate, convinced that the slightly bitter
taste is somewhat of the devil and should be avoided entirely. (I don’t know why these people think that, but I
suspect that it is a reflection of a poorly-supervised upbringing or some
maladjustment in their DNA.) I also understand that some folks are not
cray-cray about the vino, and I’ll admit that wine is usually not my first
choice in any given alcohol-involved situation. But there are certainly times
when a nice glass of wine or seven can be quite satisfying, or at least give
you the appearance of being sophisticated and refined, until you forget to
point your pinky whilst drinking, and then you are shunned and excommunicated
by people who have more money than you.
In any case, the
wine aspect of this little treat is not overpowering, fighting to get your
attention like those annoying children in restaurants who scream and throw
things because their parents are idiots who “don’t believe in discipline” and
let their offspring completely dominate them. There’s no actual alcohol in this
chocolate (dang it!), just a blackberry/dark grape essence that is quite satisfying and makes one think
of evenings in Paris. (Or at least watching a movie where cute couples are
falling in love in Paris, before one of them does something stupid that causes
a breakup and results in Adele singing a sad ballad while the end credits
roll.)
2. Hidden Valley Smoked Bacon Ranch Sandwich Spread
My absolute
favorite condiment to put on a sandwich is actually Hellmann’s mayo. Love it,
can’t get enough of it, would gladly marry it if the Supreme Court would make
it legal. But my lover has a terrible secret, in that there’s enough fat in
just one tablespoon of that stuff to block the arteries of half the population
of Idaho. (Which, granted, is only three people, but still, that’s three people
with blockage and the related medical bills. Not good.) So I’m always
desperately searching for something to go on my sandwiches that is almost as
pleasing but not nearly as life-threatening.
Okay, maybe “desperately
searching” is a bit of a stretch. It’s more along the lines of “every once in a
while I remember that I’m supposed to be eating things that will help keep my
cholesterol numbers from being higher than the Gross National Product, and I’ll
walk past the Hellman’s in the grocery store and grudgingly review the
lighter-fat options, pouting the entire time because eating healthy completely
sucks”.
Then this little
guy recently made his debut on the shelves, and I’m happy to report that it’s rather
tasty, especially when compared to other “low fat” spreads that always seem to
have a chemical tang to them that I don’t appreciate at all, like I’m smearing
nuclear waste on my buns. (This stuff is also good as a dip for fried chicken
nuggets and mozzarella cheese sticks, which sort of negates the low-fat
objective, but you know I had to try it.) And if the bacon and ranch theme is
not your thing, this guys has three siblings with intriguing names like “roasted
garlic and parmesan” and “chipotle pepper”. (I haven’t slept with the rest of
the family yet, but I plan to do so, because I’m a food whore.)
3. Kansas City Prime Steak Flavor Chips
Now, I’ve never
been a super big fan of steak. (Much to the shock and dismay of the rest of my
family in Oklahoma, giving them yet another item on their spreadsheet entitled “why
does Brian have to be so difficult and opinionated about crap”.) I actually
like the flavor, but there’s
something about the commitment to extensive chewing that puts me off. And the
random, surprise bits of gristle. (Ugh.) So you won’t see me eating steak
unless it’s the only thing on the menu or a court order has been issued.
So why would I
even throw something like this in my shopping cart? Because it’s different. I’ll
try anything once, just to see what it’s like, sometimes out of simple respect
for the person who had the courage, vision and/or mental illness to come up
with the product in the first place. This means there are times when something
gets one bite taken out of it, then it goes in the trash, forever banished and
scorned. (Some dreams should be killed before incurring production and
development costs.) Other times it’s a spiffy little success, like with these
chips, which have the flavor of steak without the need for jaw-muscle fatigue
or allowing rednecks to have access to steak knives.
4. Chobani Greek Yogurt – Coffee with Dark Chocolate
Chips
Yogurt is one of
those things that you either love or hate, sort of like Ben Stiller movies.
After all, it’s basically a dairy product that has been fermented, which sounds
like something nasty that you would hurl out of your refrigerator and never
speak of again. On the other hand, cheese
is a fermented dairy product, and most people can’t get enough of that, so I
don’t understand what all the fuss is about with people turning up their noses
at the thought of eating something with bacteria in it. (These same people will
happily French kiss their boyfriends, sticking their tongue in a far more
unhealthy environment. Go figure.)
But I love
yogurt. I love Greek yogurt even more, though I must confess that I didn’t even
know there was such a thing until the
last year or so. When I first saw it on the shelves, I was stymied. Greek
yogurt? What makes it Greek? (The easy answer, it was made in Greece, you fool, is proven false by simply checking
the production site on the package.) Wait, maybe Greek yogurt is made with
ouzo, that wonderfully-strong Greek alcohol that can make you lose your mind,
dance energetically in a circle while people clap, and wake up the next morning
with a goat in your bed. (Personally, I’ve only experienced two of those
things.)
Sadly, no ouzo.
The “Greek” part refers to the method of production, where there’s extra
straining and manipulating to create a much thicker yogurt, packed with protein
that, along with the digestive-aiding charm of the other ingredients, makes
this a very healthy thing to eat. (Unless, of course, you have some type of
death-resulting reaction to one of those ingredients, in which case you
probably wouldn’t appreciate eating yogurt, since that would be your last meal
and all. Then again, a celery stick
can kill you if the circumstances are just right, so you have to pick your
battles, right?)
So, if you like
Greek yogurt (thick and creamy!), like the taste of coffee (the basic kind of
java, not one of those concoctions you get at the trendy coffee shops, where
they add so much foo-foo crap that the presence of actual coffee no longer has
any relevance), and you like dark chocolate (I know, I know, too items on this
list concerning dark chocolate, I clearly have an obsession), then this brand
and this flavor is just what you need. I’m sure another company or two have
something similar, but I don’t want to know about it, because then I would have
to choose between them, torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool…
5. Brown Rice Triscuits – Sea Salt and Black Pepper
Brown rice is
another one of those “supposed to be better for you” kind of things floating
around in the culinary ether, with certain people expounding it’s virtues like
they’ve just been to an Enya concert and they are still tingling with
excitement. I’m sure it’s nice and healthy, but the only real experience I’d
had with brown rice, at least that I’m aware of, was at sushi restaurants. Some
of the rolls now feature brown rice, probably at the insistence of one of those
people who like to circulate petitions on the Internet. But when you compare it
to the fluffy brightness of the white rice, which makes the vibrant bits of raw
fish pop even more, the brown rice just looks drab and step-child like. Not as
pretty. And food really should try to look its best if it wants to win any
awards or get a date on Saturday night.
But I greatly
enjoy Triscuits, in almost all of the various flavor forms. (There’s one
certain flavor that just doesn’t do it for me, but I refuse to speak its name,
because that would just give the flavor more exposure than it really deserves,
just like a Kardashian.) So when I noticed this version of Triscuit business
lined-up on the store shelf, my immediate reaction was “Hurray! Sea salt and
black pepper!”. (My eyes went there first.)
This was followed by a slightly-dejected “Uh oh, these are made with brown rice.
I bet they’re ugly just like the sushi.”
And I was right,
these things will not place in a beauty pageant, looking like someone took some
regular Triscuits, boiled them for a while, and then threw them in the dryer
too long, making them smaller than their more-glamorous cousins. (They do have
a nice little sheen to them, though. I don’t know where that comes from (bits of ground-up glass?), but it keeps the
product design from being completely insulting.) I popped one in my mouth,
curious.
The result was
quite pleasing. It’s a different
taste from a regular Triscuit, which may startle people who are not quite ready
for it, but it’s not a bad taste. And
the amount of salt and pepper was just right, not too much of either. But there
was a tiny bit of a wang after I had swallowed, a lingering bit of something
that needed to be rectified. And I instinctively knew just what the resolution
would require.
Cheese.
Specifically, a slice of sharp cheddar. Naturally, we always have some of that
around, because cheese is often called in as edible-reinforcements in this
house, and I quickly had a baby open-faced sandwich ready to go. It was clearly
the right decision, because twenty minutes later half the box of crackers and
an entire brick of cheese no longer existed on this planet. Yum.
6. Blue Diamond Almonds – Rosemary and Black Pepper
Almonds are an
evil thing, even more so when it comes to Blue Diamond and their enticing
flavored almonds. Almonds have a split personality, containing both the “good”
fat (the kind you need for proper digestion, glowing skin, improved social
standing, and world peace) and the “bad” fat (the kind we are warned to never
eat or the Earth will fall out of the sky, even though 97.8% of all known food
items are brimming with this bad fat). This results in a horrible, soul-killing
tightrope that we have to walk. Many nutritionists recommend eating a very
small handful of almonds every day. A very, very
small handful.
We’re talking 5
almonds. That’s it.
If you go beyond
this miniscule, almost-laughable ration, you destroy the goodness you have done
for your body and thirty years of going
to the gym will be instantly destroyed the very second that the sixth almond
passes your lips. You have to stop at five. And this is simply impossible to do
when there is an open can of Blue Diamond almonds within a five-block radius, especially
the more exotic flavors like this Rosemary and Black Pepper combo, the
consumption of which is almost sexually-gratifying. I don’t know who this
Rosemary is, or what she did to become a snack seasoning, but I’m a much better
person for having known her.
By the way, this
flavor is only available at Target. I’m not sure who slept with whom to make
this arrangement happen, but that’s how it breaks down. And as is usually the
case with these “only at” handshakes, this flavor will probably disappear
before too long. So get your ass in the car and set the GPS for Target. And don’t
worry about the stop-lights, those things are insignificant in the end.
Besides, do you really want to abide by the law and risk never meeting
Rosemary? I think not.
Hmm. I just
realized that out of the six entries so far, two involve dark chocolate and two
involve black pepper. Very interesting. This probably means that I should seek
out some delicacy that involves both of those ingredients, but I’m not sure
about that mash-up, dark chocolate and black pepper. Who is going to make
something that like that?
Hold up. What’s
this?
Oh. My. GOD. Dark chocolate with lemon and black pepper!
Um, I think the
rest of this list will have to wait until a later date. Right now I need to
find me one of these and go have some quality personal time. I’ll catch up to
you later…
