We start off flying over the downtown of some city, while Keyshia is already wailing away about something that’s troubling her. (Quick glimpse of Nicki Minaj, because if that girl is going to be in your video, she fully expects some major screen time.) Cut to Keyshia strutting around on top of a skyscraper. (At least I think it’s her. There’s a tremendous amount of hair and hair product fighting for the camera’s attention.)
Keyshia waves her hips in just the right manner to cause a fancy car to start driving around on the streets below. It’s a nice car from the looks of it, but I don’t know cars, so it could be anything. We also seem to be having an issue with fog blowing across the set. This might be intentional, but it might be the result of some assistant not bothering to check the weather channel.
Oh look, now we have shots of some trampy girl with an attitude prancing down a street. I’m not sure who it is, it might be Keyshia, minus all the rooftop hair, but I’m not sure. Whoever she is, she might be a little warm, because she rips off her couture dead-animal coat and tosses it to the side so some homeless person can think he found Jesus. Then Coatless Girl starts busting some moves to show how hawt she be.
Meanwhile, Keyshia is doing a dance routine in what might be a club or just the “Young and Hip” department at Macy’s, and that fancy car is still driving the streets, searching for some Fly Girls to hop inside and get the party started. I guess the car will have to wait a bit, because Rooftop Keyshia, Unknown Street Walker, and Dance Club Keyshia are still busy finishing up dance steps that somebody got paid to teach them. (Interestingly enough, all this choreography seems to center around the ability to thrust your pelvis whilst looking around to see who is watching you thrust your pelvis.)
Okay, back to the fancy car, with Keyshia now driving and one of Nicki’s personalities in the passenger seat. Oh wait, now they’re in the dance club, with Keyshia battling to dominate the scene while yet another Nicki personality is doing something to highlight her amazingly straight hair. Quick shot of Unknown Street Walker having some type of issue with her hair on that skanky street she’s walking down because she didn’t pay attention to when Keyshia was picking her up in the fancy car.
Okay, now Nicki is rapping in the Dance Club, wearing an outfit that can only be described as “RuPaul ain’t ever gonna wear that, sister, so why you frontin’?” (Seriously, what’s up with the window valance as a mini-skirt?) Nicki isn’t bothered a bit, doing her creepy Animatronic Girl routine where she does robot moves and widens her eyes like she just got an enema when she least expected it.
Back to the car, where Keyshia and Nicki are possibly rapping but might just be suffering really bad gas bubbles from those questionable tacos from “Shorty’s Fold and Stuff”. (To be fair, Keyshia is only adding a few vocal “uh huh’s” to the mess, so this is really Nicki in 4th gear with no emergency brake.) Nicki sure likes saying words like “duck” and “roof”. This probably means something. But not to me.
Now the fancy car is barreling through a tunnel, which inspires Keyshia and Nicki to flash the Peace Sign. (Okay, I know that gesture is supposed to mean “deuce” in the modern world, but really, it originally meant “peace”. And I like that a lot better than promoting a playing card.) Back to the roof, with Keyshia tromping around in that black raincoat and doing high-kicks while menacing fog billows about and threatens to suck her into a John Carpenter movie.
Now we’re in the dance club, where we learn that Belvedere vodka can act like a Roman candle if you just let it breathe. Keyshia and Nicki think this is a really plush development, so they wiggle around on the lounge seats and act slightly horny about the fireworks shooting out of the liquor bottle. In fact, they are so inspired by the sight of something spewing that they take to the dance floor, and strike some killer moves that accentuate all of their couture accessories.
Additionally, this Tribute to the Belvedere Spewing includes some business with needing “elbow room” and the freedom to possibly pursue girl-on-girl touching while the beat pulsates. That’s some really high-quality vodka. Everybody in the club seems to understand the importance of the right to bare arms, and whatever other body parts need emancipation, and there’s a rousing display of unbridled lust and patriotism.
Now we start jump-cutting around, with Rooftop Keyshia trying to do the diva thing on top of the building, hands out-stretched to indicate that she really believes in her vocals, Streetwalker Whoever kicking it into high gear as she and her spandex flail about like she just got her tax refund, Dance Club Keyshia making it very clear that there is no parking on HER dance floor, and Nicki trying to remember which personality she is supposed to be at this particular moment. I’m going to guess it’s the one who would straddle something that isn’t really hers but pretends like it is.
And that’s pretty much how we end the video. Everybody’s having a really great time doing pointless things that wouldn’t be so exciting if Mt. Saint Belvedere hadn’t erupted just when it did. Keyshia loves her red jacket and the fact that she has a belly button, Streetwalker couldn’t be more pleased with the opportunity to sashay through the trashy streets of Manhattan, and Nicki has figured out at least 20 new robotic moves that should ensure she gets to guest rap on at least 10 more hit singles…
Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Backup Dancers From Hell: Sick Puppies - “Maybe”
We start off at some decrepit gas station / roadside diner in the middle of nowhere, with a guy sitting on the porch and looking sad, so I guess the patty melt isn’t any good. Some pretty girls drive up in a car, which jump starts the song. (Things like that probably happen a lot when you’re pretty and have automotive access.) The sad guy just looks at them, so either he doesn’t work there or he doesn’t understand his job.
Cut to the band playing at a deserted intersection, still in the middle of nowhere. I wouldn’t really advise selecting the point where two highways cross as a musical venue, but nobody has been run over yet so I guess it’s okay. And even if somebody does get killed, it won’t be the first time a headline has been run saying “Band Members Killed Doing Something Questionable In The Wrong Place”.
Cut to a diner, where some waitress is carrying food out of the kitchen, then back to the sad guy (let’s call him Wilfred) working on the Pretty Girls car, with the hood up and the girls squirming and smiling in the car because that man over there has a video camera. Zip over to the waitress (we’ll dub her Parsley), who walks up to a couple at a table, and she manages to spill food on the patron with the bigger breasts.
The manager rushes out and starts berating Parsley, even though I’m thinking the people at the table should be chided for their pathetic outfits. (Parsley was just trying to cover up the atrocious attire!). Sadly, no one understands the inner beauty of Parsley, and they all keep yelling at her.
Now we see Wilfred giving the Pretty Girls directions to… who knows, a Pretty Girl convention where they can make fun of the less genetically gifted. We also see Parsley getting fed up and apparently quitting her job, tossing her apron at the jerk manager and presumably not winning Employee of the Month and the special parking place.
More of the band playing at that intersection. A tiny part of me would like to watch a semi suddenly roar into view. Don’t want anybody to get hurt, of course, but it would be fun to watch them scream and run, and see who bothers to save the band equipment from danger and who doesn’t, because that’s the true test of a devoted band member.
Now we have Wilfred staring into his bedroom mirror and looking Emo. I’m distracted by the odd white spots all over said mirror, and I guess Wilfred is as well, because he starts packing this things and prepping to move to a place where you can see yourself better in the mirror. Meanwhile, Parsley is in her kitchen, which is really unattractive and cramped, so she also grabs a suitcase and proceeds to throw her couture in the luggage, inspired by the dream of a place where she can have a bagel without sitting near an ugly refrigerator.
Mixed shots of Wilfred and Parsley both strutting along with their satchels and packing their cars for the Big Move. Then they’re both on the highway and we have some nice travel scenes, with Wilfred wearing his undershirt so we can see that he has muscles, and Parsley wearing her lips so we can see that she would be a good friend to have if you need to actually seal an envelope with a kiss.
Oh, look, poor Parsely seems to be lost, so she spreads her map out on the hood of her car. (Because that thing is not going to be hot after driving through the desert for a couple of days.) And the tragedies continue, with Wilfred’s car doing something that requires him to get agitated and lift the hood, and then clench his head in dissatisfaction so we can see that he has odd armpit hair that seems to have been trimmed. (Is this something new that I don’t know about?)
Well, yay, Parsley seems to be feeling a little better about things, because now she’s standing on the shore of what might be a lake and spreading her arms wide while appearing appreciative and happy. (We’ll toss aside the bit about how those deeply-wedged shorts of hers can’t be all that comfortable.) And it seems that Wilfred got his car running again, so we’re all getting back to the happy place.
Both of them are heading into Los Angeles, naturally, because that’s where your dreams instantly become true as long as you’re pretty and sleep with the right people enough. Wilfred is so thrilled to be here that he starts singing in a park, causing people to hurl coins into his guitar case., even though the people doing the hurling look like they really ought to save those coins so they can pay for a shower.
In a fun little twist, we see Wilfred and Parsley walking past one another at a Venice Beach intersection without realizing that they are apparently meant to live happily ever after and raise maladjusted kids who don’t understand socially-accepted norms of behavior. This is followed by scenes with both of them getting jobs at trendy shops on the beachfront, because it wouldn’t be as glamorous if they had to work at a sewage treatment plant like real people.
As the band still rocks out at that dusty intersection in the desert which apparently no one ever uses, we end the festivities with Wilfred and Parsley managing to run into each other on a sunlit boardwalk. They both grin sheepishly at each other in that way supermodels have of pretending to be interested in each other, and then the music fades as seagulls cry and Parsley allows the dying sunlight to caress her amazingly supple and moist lips…
Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.
Cut to the band playing at a deserted intersection, still in the middle of nowhere. I wouldn’t really advise selecting the point where two highways cross as a musical venue, but nobody has been run over yet so I guess it’s okay. And even if somebody does get killed, it won’t be the first time a headline has been run saying “Band Members Killed Doing Something Questionable In The Wrong Place”.
Cut to a diner, where some waitress is carrying food out of the kitchen, then back to the sad guy (let’s call him Wilfred) working on the Pretty Girls car, with the hood up and the girls squirming and smiling in the car because that man over there has a video camera. Zip over to the waitress (we’ll dub her Parsley), who walks up to a couple at a table, and she manages to spill food on the patron with the bigger breasts.
The manager rushes out and starts berating Parsley, even though I’m thinking the people at the table should be chided for their pathetic outfits. (Parsley was just trying to cover up the atrocious attire!). Sadly, no one understands the inner beauty of Parsley, and they all keep yelling at her.
Now we see Wilfred giving the Pretty Girls directions to… who knows, a Pretty Girl convention where they can make fun of the less genetically gifted. We also see Parsley getting fed up and apparently quitting her job, tossing her apron at the jerk manager and presumably not winning Employee of the Month and the special parking place.
More of the band playing at that intersection. A tiny part of me would like to watch a semi suddenly roar into view. Don’t want anybody to get hurt, of course, but it would be fun to watch them scream and run, and see who bothers to save the band equipment from danger and who doesn’t, because that’s the true test of a devoted band member.
Now we have Wilfred staring into his bedroom mirror and looking Emo. I’m distracted by the odd white spots all over said mirror, and I guess Wilfred is as well, because he starts packing this things and prepping to move to a place where you can see yourself better in the mirror. Meanwhile, Parsley is in her kitchen, which is really unattractive and cramped, so she also grabs a suitcase and proceeds to throw her couture in the luggage, inspired by the dream of a place where she can have a bagel without sitting near an ugly refrigerator.
Mixed shots of Wilfred and Parsley both strutting along with their satchels and packing their cars for the Big Move. Then they’re both on the highway and we have some nice travel scenes, with Wilfred wearing his undershirt so we can see that he has muscles, and Parsley wearing her lips so we can see that she would be a good friend to have if you need to actually seal an envelope with a kiss.
Oh, look, poor Parsely seems to be lost, so she spreads her map out on the hood of her car. (Because that thing is not going to be hot after driving through the desert for a couple of days.) And the tragedies continue, with Wilfred’s car doing something that requires him to get agitated and lift the hood, and then clench his head in dissatisfaction so we can see that he has odd armpit hair that seems to have been trimmed. (Is this something new that I don’t know about?)
Well, yay, Parsley seems to be feeling a little better about things, because now she’s standing on the shore of what might be a lake and spreading her arms wide while appearing appreciative and happy. (We’ll toss aside the bit about how those deeply-wedged shorts of hers can’t be all that comfortable.) And it seems that Wilfred got his car running again, so we’re all getting back to the happy place.
Both of them are heading into Los Angeles, naturally, because that’s where your dreams instantly become true as long as you’re pretty and sleep with the right people enough. Wilfred is so thrilled to be here that he starts singing in a park, causing people to hurl coins into his guitar case., even though the people doing the hurling look like they really ought to save those coins so they can pay for a shower.
In a fun little twist, we see Wilfred and Parsley walking past one another at a Venice Beach intersection without realizing that they are apparently meant to live happily ever after and raise maladjusted kids who don’t understand socially-accepted norms of behavior. This is followed by scenes with both of them getting jobs at trendy shops on the beachfront, because it wouldn’t be as glamorous if they had to work at a sewage treatment plant like real people.
As the band still rocks out at that dusty intersection in the desert which apparently no one ever uses, we end the festivities with Wilfred and Parsley managing to run into each other on a sunlit boardwalk. They both grin sheepishly at each other in that way supermodels have of pretending to be interested in each other, and then the music fades as seagulls cry and Parsley allows the dying sunlight to caress her amazingly supple and moist lips…
Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Backup Dancers From Hell: Nickelback - “Far Away”
We start off at a nice little suburban house, where a cute guy is making a video of his girl wallering around in the bed in a possibly post-coital afterglow. She pretends as if she doesn’t really care for him doing that, but she looks like a supermodel so you know she’s lying and loves the attention. Then he hops in bed with her to read the newspaper, all cozy and full of undying love for each other since their combined genes will produce amazingly-stunning children.
Then the phone rings, and the guy (let’s make this easier and give him a name, like Chisel) answers, apparently getting the news that he has to go to work. The girl, we’ll call her Bree, gets a little pouty about their interrupted interlude. But Chisel knows how to work this scene, giving her a smooch so that her instantly-raging libido convinces her that she can happily lay on her ass in the bed until he gets back for round two. Chisel grabs his things and races off to make the bacon. Wait, is he carrying a firefighter’s jacket?
Yep, he’s wearing one as he hops in his buddy’s truck and they drive off to a staging area where lots of firefighters are dashing about and strapping things on. We even have helicopters buzzing about, so this looks pretty serious. Chisel and his buddy, Pec, slap on their hats and race to do their thing. We have a sense of foreboding that something is going to go terribly wrong, and it probably will, because that’s what makes a good story, right?
Meanwhile, back at the house, Bree gets bored and finally turns on the TV. Oh my, seems we have a massive forest fire causing the soap operas to be pre-empted. Damn. Then Bree manages to remember that her lover happens to be a firefighter, and he just ran out the door and all, and… maybe she should pay attention to what’s going on and not check out what’s playing on Lifetime?
Cut to a helicopter flying over an area filled with smoke. (Are we at the Republican National Convention?) No, wait, it’s a forest, and it’s definitely on fire. The chopper lands, and Chisel and Pec hop out to receive their instructions from somebody probably named Gunner or Brick. Once informed, they grab hoses and dash off to a section of the fire that is naturally dangerous and rife with the opportunity for somebody to instantly become a giant S’more.
While working on their hefty hoses, Chisel and Pec are suddenly surrounded by Mr. Heat Miser and his entire family. Chis and Pec need to get out of there, pronto. They start to follow other escaping co-workers, but Pec does something that leads to him lying face down and not doing any running. Chisel doesn’t think twice about racing back into the bad place to rescue his now-unconscious buddy.
Chisel carries Pec out of danger, then tries to signal a nearby helicopter on the ground that we have an issue. Instead, the helicopter flies away (Break time? You know how those unions are.) and then a giant flaming tree falls on Chisel. Well, hell. You try to save somebody’s life and an angry tree attacks you. It’s just not right.
Back at the ranch-style house, Bree gets a phone call that things are grim. She has something of an emotional breakdown, perfectly understandable, but I don’t get why we don’t see any actual tears or runny makeup. Maybe she’s not a method actress. Perhaps somebody should have handed her some chopped onion before they yelled “Action”.
A truck pulls up outside the house, so non-crying Bree races out to get the scoop. Somebody jumps out, but it’s not Chisel. Somebody else appears. Still not Chisel. Then some woman we don’t know. (Who the hell are all these people?) Then, glory day, Chisel gets out and only has a tiny little band-aid for his troubles. Hurray! Bree runs down the driveway, launches herself through the air, and manages to wrap her legs around Chisel’s waist in a jubilant but still slightly sexual manner. They kiss lovingly, and then presumably go back in the house to resume the production of beautiful children for years to come…
Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.
Then the phone rings, and the guy (let’s make this easier and give him a name, like Chisel) answers, apparently getting the news that he has to go to work. The girl, we’ll call her Bree, gets a little pouty about their interrupted interlude. But Chisel knows how to work this scene, giving her a smooch so that her instantly-raging libido convinces her that she can happily lay on her ass in the bed until he gets back for round two. Chisel grabs his things and races off to make the bacon. Wait, is he carrying a firefighter’s jacket?
Yep, he’s wearing one as he hops in his buddy’s truck and they drive off to a staging area where lots of firefighters are dashing about and strapping things on. We even have helicopters buzzing about, so this looks pretty serious. Chisel and his buddy, Pec, slap on their hats and race to do their thing. We have a sense of foreboding that something is going to go terribly wrong, and it probably will, because that’s what makes a good story, right?
Meanwhile, back at the house, Bree gets bored and finally turns on the TV. Oh my, seems we have a massive forest fire causing the soap operas to be pre-empted. Damn. Then Bree manages to remember that her lover happens to be a firefighter, and he just ran out the door and all, and… maybe she should pay attention to what’s going on and not check out what’s playing on Lifetime?
Cut to a helicopter flying over an area filled with smoke. (Are we at the Republican National Convention?) No, wait, it’s a forest, and it’s definitely on fire. The chopper lands, and Chisel and Pec hop out to receive their instructions from somebody probably named Gunner or Brick. Once informed, they grab hoses and dash off to a section of the fire that is naturally dangerous and rife with the opportunity for somebody to instantly become a giant S’more.
While working on their hefty hoses, Chisel and Pec are suddenly surrounded by Mr. Heat Miser and his entire family. Chis and Pec need to get out of there, pronto. They start to follow other escaping co-workers, but Pec does something that leads to him lying face down and not doing any running. Chisel doesn’t think twice about racing back into the bad place to rescue his now-unconscious buddy.
Chisel carries Pec out of danger, then tries to signal a nearby helicopter on the ground that we have an issue. Instead, the helicopter flies away (Break time? You know how those unions are.) and then a giant flaming tree falls on Chisel. Well, hell. You try to save somebody’s life and an angry tree attacks you. It’s just not right.
Back at the ranch-style house, Bree gets a phone call that things are grim. She has something of an emotional breakdown, perfectly understandable, but I don’t get why we don’t see any actual tears or runny makeup. Maybe she’s not a method actress. Perhaps somebody should have handed her some chopped onion before they yelled “Action”.
A truck pulls up outside the house, so non-crying Bree races out to get the scoop. Somebody jumps out, but it’s not Chisel. Somebody else appears. Still not Chisel. Then some woman we don’t know. (Who the hell are all these people?) Then, glory day, Chisel gets out and only has a tiny little band-aid for his troubles. Hurray! Bree runs down the driveway, launches herself through the air, and manages to wrap her legs around Chisel’s waist in a jubilant but still slightly sexual manner. They kiss lovingly, and then presumably go back in the house to resume the production of beautiful children for years to come…
Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.
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