Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Eleventh One: Mea Culpa

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

"And how is that, my child?"

"It's been over a week since my last blog."

Silence on the other side of the confessional wall.


Throat clearing. Then, "Son, I'm not quite sure what this means, but I am here to guide you. What is this blog you speak of? Is it carnal in nature?"

"Oh no, Father. It's nothing like that, although we probably should talk about THOSE issues in our next session. No, a blog is where I post interesting things so that other people can read them."

"You post things?" Short pause. "Are you sure this isn't carnal?"

"Yes, Father. It's like a diary, but it's online, it's on the Internet, and people visit my site to read what I put in this diary."

"I see. This is a computer thing. Well, my son, we haven't been allowed to have computers here since the unfortunate incident with Father O'Brien and that horrid website. Hot Naked Choirboys, I think it was called. But you know they never really proved anything. God always has the final answer, my son."

"Uhh.... I really don't know anything about that, so can we get back to me? How can I be clean again?"

Another pause. "Are we talking about the blog thing again? Sorry, my child, the incense in here is really strong, full of the Lord, you might say, and it's hard to focus."

"Yes, Father, the blog. They say it's a sin if you don't post every day. That your readers will get bored and seek other blogs."

"I am beginning to see the light, my son. Your flock is growing restless, and wandering from the pasture, turning away from the Lord. We have seen a lot of this in The Church lately. It saddens me greatly, this loss of faith. Why are the sheep turning on us, when our message has not changed? For thousands of years?"

"Uh... maybe the sheep have cable TV and can watch other shows? Newer shows, based on what's going on now, and not scripture written for issues that no longer apply? Just guessing. But back to me. How do I wash away this sin?"

Long pause, then "Feed the sheep daily. There can be no other way. You don't want the sheep to pick up the remote and start pushing enlightened buttons. As for penance, you must blog every day whether you want to or not. Repetition is the key foundation of Our Church."

"Thank you, Father. I will try harder."

"Good. Now that we have that out of the way, could you please place your order?"

"Sure, Father. I'll have the What-a-Chicken with cheese, and an order of onion rings."

"Thank you. That'll be $6.97. Please pull forward to the second window."


  1. here's the thing, I always get confused when there is more than one window in the drive-thru. Remember the McDonalds incident where we were convinced our cheeseburgers went through the same shoot that Augustus Gloop gets stuck in, in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? but I digress.....say, was there holy water involved in this conversation?

    Oompa Loompa

    1. Dearest Oompa,

      First, I'd suggest that you not eat so many curly fries. I realize they are quite tasty, and they may not have anything to do with your confusion, but they're certainly a prime suspect at this point, especially since the seasoning probably explains your odd, orange skin tone. Second, I do indeed fondly recall that McDonald's incident with things being shot through a shoot, but you musn't let things like that hold you back from your dream of appearing in movie musicals...