Friday, April 1, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Porcelain Black featuring Lil Wayne - “This Is What Rock N Roll Looks Like”

  Note: Explicit version. Not that you should be surprised since Lil Wayne is up in the grill. And in return, I get a bit saucy myself…

  We start out with a young Porcelain, her hair already doing the split personality thing, innocently walking along outside her school and fiddling with some trashed-up Barbie dolls. Up march three uppity tween girls who tease and torment poor Porcelain, until a miniature Lil Wayne, dreds a-flopping, runs up and scares off the little Sarah Palins.

  Cut to 9 years later, and things have changed slightly. Here comes growed-up Porcelain and her posse sashaying onto campus in their slut-girl outfits, attitudes flying and middle fingers flipping. As the stunned Good Girls look on in horror, causing them to drop their Pottery Barn brochures and all, Porcelain and crew tromp along in High Spectacle mode, knocking people over and getting tangled in one another’s body jewelry.

  Porc and the Gang then head to the library (how in the hell did they know where that was?) and immediately proceed to trash the place while doing line dances and touching themselves suggestively. While that mess is going on, we start getting glimpses of our alternate story line, the one where Porcelain is squeezed into a tight leather outfit that matches her hair. There’s some type of throne chair as a set piece, but we’ll learn more about that later.

  Back at the library, the Posse keeps doing their lusty line dances while Porcelain strikes poses to ensure we understand that she has a vagina. Oh, and breasts. Don’t forget those. She sure doesn’t. Zip over to the Throne Room, where Porcelain does the first of a series of moves to show that she really, really loves that chair.

  The rampage in the library continues, with Porcelain twirling her puffy blue boa jacket over her head and punching at the camera. Eventually she comes across more of the Good Girls, trying to do some studying or maybe figuring out what to do with all of Daddy’s money. Porc and the Gang immediately start throwing things all over the place and shoving their hoo-hoo’s in everybody’s faces. Which is such a thoughtful thing to do, yes?

  Meanwhile, Throne-Loving Porcelain is doing things with her tongue, bucking about on Corinthian leather, and showing us all the different ways that her legs can do the splits. I stopped counting at four, when she basically opened a beer bottle without using her hands.

  Once the library has been destroyed, both physically and emotionally, Porc and the Gang head to the cafeteria, where we basically have a repeat of the previous shock and awe. The only thing that’s really different is that Porcelain has stopped off at her locker so she can change into another outfit. Why she bothered, I don’t know, because everything she wears leaves little to the imagination, so what’s the point?

  The gang stomps around some more, knocking lunch trays out of people’s hands and continuing with their obnoxiousness, terrorizing folks who just want to eat their fruit cup and get back to actually learning something that will help them get a good job later in life. I’m assuming that advancement in life is a concept that Porcelain has never really considered.

  Apparently not satisfied with the mayhem and destruction so far, Porc and The Gang then waltz their nasty asses to the gym, where a pep rally is taking place. Porc and her fellow JD’s knock some cheerleaders aside and then proceed with another line dance that involves inexplicable anger and the need to thrust personal body parts toward one and all.

  Have I mentioned that Porcelain is really proud of the fact that she has a vagina? Just checking.

  In another example of why this country has serious issues, everybody in the bleachers leaps to their feet in a frenzy of adoration for the Skanky Ho’s and their inability to function in society in a respectful manner. Really? The mind boggles.

  Just when I think we’ve reached the bottom of the barrel, here comes Lil Wayne, strutting into the gym and proving me wrong. Once more, the crowd goes wild for another “musician” whose central claim to fame is that he can fondle his crotch to the beat of a song.

  Pause the video at 2:56. What woman on this planet would seriously want some of that?

  The insanity continues, with Lil Wayne rapping about how girls just can’t wait to service his hardware, while Porcelain does everything she can to get impregnated by Lil Wayne while flipping her hair around and doing squat thrusts. We pan to the audience, where even the parents are applauding the smack talk and the thong abrasions.

  Cut back to Throne-Loving Porcelain, as she invents new ways to straddle furniture in the most trashy way possible. (Porcelain to her future love child: “Yes, sweetie, your daddy was a mahogany arm rest. I thought you should know before people started to talk.”) Then we’re back in the gym, where there’s so much pelvic gyration that you fully expect the Earth to get knocked out of its axis.

  And this goes on for a while, with Lil Wayne being very proud of his penis, Porcelain being very proud of her cooter, the groupie backup dancers being very proud that they have a job no matter what it is, and the parents, coaches and schoolteachers being very proud of a pep rally that has turned into a Festival of Sex and Boasting. Oh, and Porcelain continues to personally lubricate every inch of that throne.

  There’s a bit where Throne-Loving Porcelain actually smears her gothic lipstick all over her face. I think this is the only real moment in the video. Just sayin.

  The madness eventually stops when Porcelain throws her microphone on the floor and the song ends.

  News flash to Porcelain: This is NOT what Rock N Roll looks like. This is what out-of-control narcissism looks like. That’s probably a word you need to look up in the dictionary. Too bad you and your vagina destroyed the library…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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