Friday, December 9, 2011

10 Strategies From The Republican Jacked-Up Playbook

1. Pray Away The Gay Today, Hey Hey

  This is one of the cornerstones of our cult. Any time you are in a situation where you need to misdirect guilt, blame the gays. Gays are responsible for everything that is wrong in our lives and this great corporate nation of ours. Point fingers and talk about Jesus casting them out of paradise. (Side note: Mixing Jesus and homophobia should be at the top of your Republican recipe list, up there with Fake Soldier-Support Soufflé and Anti-Abortion Antipasto.)

  If someone wants to know why you are trying to de-fund Medicare, explain that it’s the only way to stop same-sex couples from holding hands in a recovery room. If people question your slashing of school budgets, tell them it’s the only way to prevent classes on interior design and humanities, two breeding grounds for homosexuality. And if one of the two remaining reporters in the world who has not been bought off happens to spot you slipping out the back door of a gay nightclub wearing nothing but a studded-leather jockstrap and a satisfied smile, say you are doing “research” for Marcus Bachmann.

2. Taxes Are The Devil’s Work

  Under no circumstances should you ever appear to be supporting tax increases, at least for the super-rich and our citizen corporations. (Be sure to keep taxing the lower and middles classes, because somebody has to pay for all the crap we have, right?) And don’t be troubled by the stupid poor people who die because they can’t afford to pay their medical bills. (Fewer living poor people means less votes for the opposition and better parking spaces for our Humvees. Yay!)

  Remember, never back down from this stance, no matter what. This is the only idea we can ever get an entire room of Republicans to agree on, so it’s like our official motto and stuff. If we waffle on this, then people might question other things we do, and we sure as hell don’t want some of those rocks looked under. Got it?

3. Say Whatever You Want On Television

  We own the media, so we can take whatever dumb-ass thing you said and spin it into something else completely, preferably a rebuttal that blames Obama for something we did. So just relax and be the bigot we all know you are. Ain’t no shame in the hatred game, sayin.

4. Pay No Attention To History Books

  Thankfully, most people don’t read those nasty things, anyway. But if you run into someone who insists on quoting from that trash, be prepared to deny that whatever they are talking about actually happened. Things like the Holocaust, Emancipation and Separation of Church and State. Besides, a homosexual probably wrote those lies, and Jesus doesn’t want you to read such flighty filth. If all else fails, we can just revise the voting districts so that the common people have no actual say in what their insipid children learn. (Like they can even afford to go to college anymore. Puh-lease.)

5. Fundamentalism Is Fierce!

  In any situation where you need to inject religion into the discussion (which is every situation), always take the most extreme anti-progress position you can. As we all know, enlightened human thought is a critical threat to our mission statement. Stick with the basics: fire, brimstone, enslavement of the masses, and unimpeded power at any expense. It doesn’t matter if you actually believe what you are saying, the important thing is to say it and get the votes. The end justifies the desecration.

  Oh, but even if you don’t really buy all that biblical stuff, be sure to go to church at least twice a month and wave at the cameras as you go in. (See special section in the appendix concerning “How to protect yourself from spontaneous combustion in the House of the Lord”.)

6. Responsibility Is Highly Over-Rated

  With only a few possible exceptions (sorry about all that “ethics violation” mess back in the 90’s, Newt, we didn’t own as many newspapers back then, our bad), you will probably not be held accountable for your actions. Do whatever you need to do to further our agenda, even if you don’t understand the agenda or you break several laws in the process.

  There is only the tiniest risk that you might be arrested, and that risk is far outweighed by the healthy balance on your bank account statements. Besides, if people start nosing around, look for the nearest Democrat, lesbian, or welfare recipient and blame them, even if they were out of the country or not even born when you screwed people over. We’ll take it from there.

7. Pander, Pander, Pander

  Read the polls. Immediately change your speeches to agree with those poll findings, even if they are the complete opposite of your past, documented standing. (Unless the poll says rich Republicans are getting away with robbery. We will shoot you if you agree with that. Dick Cheney is on standby.) Swear that you will never change your new position. Then immediately change it if the next poll has a different outcome.

8. Equality Is Evil

  We were not all created equally. That’s just some communist crap that Thomas Jefferson came up with before we deleted him from history, at least in the Texas schoolbooks. Men are better than women. (With a hall pass given to Michele and Sarah, who have managed to bring in a contingent of horny male voters who inexplicably find them attractive.) Men have the full right to govern a woman’s body in whatever way they see fit. It says this in The Bible and in Playboy, and that’s all we need to know.

  Side note to the females we sleep with when our wives are off having plastic surgery: Don’t get bitchy. For clarification, see the articles in the appendix entitled “Testosterone Is God’s Natural Selection” and “Balls Are Da Bomb, Even If They Be Tiny”. And don’t forget that we can take away that 19th Amendment just as easily as we took away the rights of most Americans with that Patriot Act thing we shoved through when everybody was busy mourning and not paying attention.

9. Special Section On The Rick Perry Thing

  Let’s just say that some part of George Bush Two understood that he had some manner of misfiring in his noggin, and mostly chose to allow others to speak and do for him. But Rick? Well, he actually feels that the “Book of Rick” was somehow left out of the Bible, and that he is indeed the Messiah of the Morons. And we’ll let him have that title, because he does get brownie points for the sheer arrogance he displays, and us Republicans sure do love to love ourselves.

  Still, we’re not really happy with him right now, because you can’t fix stupid. But if he does manage to get our nomination (hey, Newt could get caught with another hooker at any moment), you still need to vote for him. Because we would much rather see our country destroyed than have a Democrat in the White House for a second term. (See article in appendix: “Don’t Let a Democrat Win Again Or Homosexuals and Vegans and Actual Patriots and Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren and People Who Are Just Decent and Fair-Minded Will Get This Country Back On Track Again and We Will Actually Have to Pay Our Fair Share of Taxes and Do The Right Thing.”)

10. “The Stepford Wives” Movie

  Why didn’t we include this concept in the Patriot Act? WHY? Send memo to Karl Rove demanding explanation. Arrange for extra bailout checks to national banks so that one of them can fund research into automated dummies to replace common citizens. Lie to reporters that we are doing this. Cross fingers that we once again get away with a total crapfest of wrongdoing, hypocrisy, white supremacy, blatant disregard for those not born with a trust fund shoved up their ass, and inability to understand that just because I said it, it doesn’t make it true.

Hold up, folks, our broadcast is being interrupted by a message from Occupy Bonnywood Manor, as they briefly take control of our airwaves before being arrested by Koch-Murdock Security:

  “Now is the time for all good men and women and however you identify to come to the aid of their country. One human, one vote. Live it. Be it. Refreshments are now being served in the non-denominational atrium. The cheese puffs are especially tasty. End trans…”

  Peace, y’all.

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