Friday, January 27, 2012

20 Signs That You Might Be Spending Too Much Time On Pinterest

1. You no longer remember the names of your children. Or if you even have any.

2. The last time you looked at the television, “Friends” was still in prime time.

3. You would rather be on Pinterest than pick up the dry-cleaning, let the dog out, have sex, pay bills, or eat things containing chocolate. (That last one is a sure sign that the devil has spoken to you.)

4. On Sunday mornings, you attack the paper boy at 5:45am so you can read the ad circulars first and get some pins up about new stuff before your friends do. He’s suing, but you don’t care.

5. You are very confused when you can’t find the “Pin It” button in the circulars.

6. You have a low opinion of people with only one or two boards. You find this lazy and irresponsible.

7. You discover that you have three boards of your own that you don’t remember creating, and you can’t tell by the titles what you meant to do with the boards. (Possible products of a drinking binge, improperly balanced medication, or just old age. Who knows.) But you like the stuff you pinned in them even if you don’t understand the grouping, so you shove them down to the bottom of your board page and hope you have a revelation about their births before anyone asks questions about them.

8. You realize that you have pinned the same exact quote on four different boards, with slight color variations being the only difference. (Oh, and one of them has a really sweet panda bear that caught your eye.) It takes a full week for you to decide which three of them to delete, because the pins are your children now and its hard to pick one as your favorite and let the other children have crappy, abandoned lives.

9. You get really angry with people who use their own captions with YOUR pins, because you worked super hard on that original, witty caption and all they came up with is “Bunnies are SO cute!”, and there’s not even a bunny in the pin.

10. But when their new caption is actually funnier and better, you still get mad, because it feels like they are getting a little uppity and pointing out to the world that you have sucky writing skills.

11. You constantly refresh the screen just to see if your “Repin” and “Like” stats go up. And you seek therapy if they don’t. (“Doctor, I just don’t understand why people don’t click on me!”)

12. You purposely pin not-so-interesting things just to keep your name at the top of the feed, because if you roll too far down that feed people will forget you and you will live a life of misery and loneliness.

13. There’s really no reason to have two Ryan Reynolds boards, one “with shirt” and one “without shirt”. (And those of you with stalker tendencies will have a third board: “Skanks that better keep their hands off my man. I’m just waiting for him to figure out that he needs me and we can get married and I won’t have to work and I can pin all day”.)

14. You delete older pins from back in the day when you clearly didn’t know what you were doing and you pinned stupid crap about nothing. This is the same thing as hiding your high-school yearbooks from your current lover. The past is the past, you have better outfits now.

15. You actually have a board named “I’ll figure this one out later, gotta keep moving”.

16. You keep wondering when the Pinterest People are going to start handing out awards for content and design. After all, you have amassed the largest collection of cats playing with empty boxes that the world has ever seen. That alone is worth a merit badge. And where are they going to hold the national Pinterest Convention? (“Pint-Con?”) We need to start pinning hotel options for that mess. These thoughts keep you awake at night.

17. You consider gaining another follower to be far more important than Moses doing that boring Red Sea thing.

18. You carefully review the boards of those people that have followed you, before daring to follow them. Can’t have no scrubs jacking up your feed, you need the good stuff coming down the pipe.

19. You lie to people about how much time you spend on Pinterest. “I was working on a spreadsheet for how to feed the homeless” is code for “I spent the entire weekend pinning 217 images of kumquats”.

20. You actually have a Pinterest tramp-stamp. And you’re not ashamed.

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