Sunday, February 12, 2012

20 Perfectly Good Reasons Why I Shouldn’t Go To Work In The Morning

1. I really don’t want to go.

2. See above.

3. I shouldn’t be driving on the nation’s highways when I’m angry and bitter about my destination.

4. I’ve worn everything in my closet. I just don’t have the strength to put on the same ugly outfit one more time.

5. Jesus doesn’t want me to go. At least I think the email was from Him. Or it might have been Jay-Z. Or Jamie Lee Curtis. Somebody with a J-name thinks I should stay home. And send my bank account passwords to them so I can collect the 5 million dollars that a lonely Saudi Arabian prince left to me because he didn’t have any other real friends.

6. I could pay it forward by letting someone else take my spot and park closer to the front door.

7. Sally Struthers was just in a commercial about starving children someplace poor and I won’t be able to focus at work if I’m thinking about them.

8. It’s very possible that I may not get out of bed until noon, and this complicates things.

9. The police are probably very tired of asking me questions about dead co-workers found in the break room.

10. I’m tired of having to make up lies about that.

11. I’m fairly certain that my boss is Satan. I’m guessing Hell is doing some type of outreach program.

12. My CD collection is out of alphabetical order. I can’t live, if living is without being able to find the right Madonna album within five seconds.

13. I’m preparing for that extra day at the end of this month. You need to have a plan for these things.

14. I have some yogurt that’s about to expire and I need to attend to that. Dairy gone bad is not a pretty thing, and you have to be vigilant.

15. Someone I know could get pregnant at any moment, and they’ll want me to work on a list of baby names. And possible baby daddies.

16. There’s got to be an episode of The Golden Girls that I’ve seen less than five times.

17. The people in Congress don’t have to work, so why should I?

18. Scotch the cat just informed me that one of his higher-priority puff balls is missing. All other planned activities are on hold until the recovery operation is complete.

19. My fortune cookie message says “Good things are coming your way.” I know that can’t possibly happen at work, so I better stay right here and wait.

20. There are only 316 shopping days until Christmas.

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