Friday, March 30, 2012

18 Things You Really Wish You Could Say To That Incredibly Annoying Co-Worker

“Don’t come into my cube unless you can get to the point within four seconds.”

“Why do you have to yell everything you say? Is that how they do it on your home planet?”

“Let’s just assume that your amazing niece did something extraordinary once again, and then we don’t have to actually talk about it.”

“I think you might be the exact reason why drugs were invented.”

“What part of the expression on my face makes you think that I have any interest in what you are saying right now?”

“If you insist on crunching on that ice, I must insist on slamming your head into the wall.”

“This thing I’m holding next to my ear? It’s a phone. Notice how I am currently speaking into this object. When you see me in this position, it means go away and come back later. Or maybe never.”

“I don’t believe it says anything in your job description about singing along with the radio. Don’t make me call somebody.”

“Help me understand how you could possibly think you looked good in that outfit. Does prostitution run in your family? Is it a gang thing? Were you raised by howler monkeys?”

“What are you possibly doing in that cube over there that sounds like mating time at the zoo?”

“Life is far too short to have to listen to you talking baby talk on the phone with this week’s skanky hookup.”

“Did you go to a special school where they taught you how to pick out the most annoying ring tone in this galaxy? And were your teachers deaf?”

“So how does the food stay in your mouth when you chew like that?”

“Here’s the plan. If I actually need your opinion on something, I’ll send you an email. Now go sit in your own cube and wait for that to happen and stay out of my grill.”

“Did your parents have to pay a fine for how you turned out?”

“There once was a man from Nantucket. And he wouldn’t have liked you, either.”

“When Dr. King had his dream, I’m pretty sure you weren’t in it.”

“Please tell me you’re sterile.”

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