1. You become aroused simply walking through the produce
section of the supermarket. (Stay away from the cucumbers and the carrots. And
you might want to avoid the gourds as well, because some of those raised bumps
can look very interesting.)
2. You seem to be having too much fun driving over speed
bumps. (Especially if you circle the block just so you can hit the same patch
again.)
3. You’re just trying to squirt some Hellman’s on your
turkey sandwich and your mind goes places it shouldn’t. (And the noises those plastic bottles can
sometimes make? It’s like the soundtrack from Debbie Does Dallas.)
4. You have no idea where the personal lubricant might be
in the house. (And with things as dried out as they must be by this point, you’re
going to need a gallon of that stuff.)
5. You find cobwebs in your underwear. (And Charlotte the
spider has spun one of the webs to read “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”.)
6. You can no longer remember the color of your bedroom
ceiling. (Or whether or not that mirror is still there, the one everyone had to
have in the late 70’s when the whole nation took drugs and became
exhibitionists.)
7. You watch an entire season of an otherwise worthless TV
show just because that one guy always takes his shirt off at some point in
every episode. (You have no idea what the actual plot of the series is, but you
can definitely and accurately describe the actor’s nipples to a police sketch
artist, should the need arise.)
8. The word “arise” in the previous sentence triggers
images that you would never share with your Sunday School teacher. (Unless your
teacher also blushes when holding a bottle of mayonnaise, then you might have
something in common that you can work into a discussion while the other folks
are busy naming all the Apostles.)
9. When sitting at a local park, you can’t help but
realize that every piece of playground equipment could be utilized in a
creative sexual scenario of some kind, given enough stamina and flexibility.
(But only after the kiddies have gone home. The little urchins don’t need to
see you hurtling down the giant slide, completely naked, whilst your partner
assumes a position at the end of the slide that will hopefully result in
satisfaction and not hospitalization.)
10. You no longer have pet names for your private parts.
(If you mention them at all, it’s usually in clinical terms to your doctor
after one of the parts started doing something you didn’t appreciate.)
11. The list of desirable qualities in potential partners
has dwindled over the years from an entire notebook of scribbled “must-haves” that
you planned out when you were a dewy, attractive youth in your twenties to the
current day, when things are much more creaky and fragile, and you now have
just a two-word partner requirement: “life insurance”. (Or if you’re really
desperate, one word: “pulse”.)
12. When in a bar, you no longer have to drink for hours
until someone becomes blurrily attractive enough to qualify for a “last-call”
hookup. Instead, it takes just two sips of wine and suddenly you’re humping the
pool table and using an app on your smart phone to broadcast your phone number
on the ceiling. (This is why you should always have a Designated Divider when
bar-hopping with friends. This is the person responsible for keeping your horny
ass away from strangers who don’t realize that you are suffering from a literal
seven-year itch.)
13. You do the mental math and realize that the last time
you actually had an orgasm, there were only 46 stars on the American flag.
(Back in the day when social-etiquette still required that you write a
tasteful, post-coital thank-you note to the one who done ya.)
“Dearest John Thomas, thank you ever so much
for the lovely time we spent sliding about on a stack of fertilizer bags in
your adorable little garden shed. It certainly appeared that you enjoyed it as
well, what with your repeated invoking of certain religious figures just before
the dismount. I do so hope that there will be a repeat performance. Perhaps
even season tickets!
Sighingly, Lady
Chatterly
P.S. Please
advise if there is anything I can do to assist with the repairs to the tractor.
I don’t think either of us quite expected that
to happen. Perhaps next time we should leave the absinthe bottle out of the
picnic basket…
14. You encounter a group of co-workers whispering about
happiness over “The Big O” and you gleefully announce that you voted for
President Obama as well. (The stunned look in their eyes convinces you that you
should continue your journey to the copy room and never speak again.)
15. You have no idea what a MILF or a DILF is, but such
things do appear to be very popular with certain segments of the Internet
world. (Are they talking about new computer languages? Characters in a Disney
movie? Another product that the Kardashians are trying to promote in their endless
quest to actually do something of importance?)
16. You actually do
check out the porn sites on the web from time to time, not for any
pleasure-based purpose, but to see if they have invented any new positions or
dress-code requirements that you might need to be aware of so you aren’t startled
by any requests should your boudoir reopen for business. It’s just downright tacky
when you can’t think of an answer to the question “Do you have a sling?”
17. You still don’t know why a milkshake would bring boys
to your yard. Or why you would want to sing about it. Or what type of appetizer
you should serve when this happens. (And what if you’re dairy-intolerant? Is
that even important? And what brings the girls? Lattes? So many questions, so
little time to mow the various lawns.)
18. Whatever happened to Dr. Ruth? She made things so
simple. (“You ask the partner what partner likes, then you do that and
everybody feel good. Serve strudel after, nice touch.”)
19. You no longer dress to maximize your sexiness. Now
you dress to cover up the fact that most of the voting districts in your state
have been realigned in a manner that is not the most appealing. (And most of
the population has moved south.) It really is true that youth (and sex) are
wasted on the young. When I was 21, all it took was a steady wind for me to
present arms and I was ready to go. Now I know hundreds of exciting things to
do. I just can’t get into the necessary position to exhibit my repertoire
without needing medical assistance.
20. In the end, though, it’s not about how much or how
often or how many medals you earn for endurance, strength or quickness of
locating your clothing if someone knocks on the door that wasn’t supposed to be
home. Sex, and especially sexiness, is all in the mind. Yes, there are primal
grunters who are satisfied with the rudimentary aspects of life and don’t want
to know about anything else (the Tea Party). But for most of us it’s the non-physical
things. Intelligence is top on my list, very important, but we also have a
certain spark in the eye, a smile that is genuine, a gentle tenderness, a
shared passion for life, for words, for decency. The way a person really looks
at you and willingly allows you to really look at them. No games, no baggage,
just truth.
That’s what I
find hot, that’s what I find sexy.
And that’s the
kind of milkshake I would order every time…
Cheers.
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