Friday, July 22, 2011

25 Mostly Pointless But Snappy Comebacks When Debating A Crazed Right-Winger

1. “I’m sorry, was that you trying to form a complete sentence? My bad. At first I thought someone had run over another armadillo out on Route 9.”

2. “So when the Jesus visions come to you, are they live-action or animated? I’ve always wondered. We don’t get that channel where I live.”

3. “Exactly how many times have you fallen down a flight of stairs?”

4. “Would it help if I used hand puppets?”

5. “Let me guess. You’ve clicked LIKE on the Fox News fan page.”

6. “I’d try to explain it to you, but there are only so many months in a year.”

7. “So when your eyes go blank like that, are you just confused again or are you receiving further orders from the mother ship?”

8. “Good job, Brownie!”

9. “That’s a very interesting talent you have, the ability to selectively forget how things really played out. I bet you can watch the same movie hundreds of times. That will come in handy when they finally commit you.”

10. “You do understand that John Wayne was an actor, right? Wait, so was Ronnie. And Arnold. I think I get it now. So does this mean that Kirk Cameron is next in line?”

11. “Change the textbooks all you want. It won’t change the truth. Dick and Jane really did see Spot run, no matter what you say.”

12. “Now I know where all those misspelled, illogical comment posts come from on YouTube.”

13. “How can you be offended by the phrase tea bagger? It has three syllables, and that’s clearly outside your comprehensible skill set.”

14. “Do you understand that the Pilgrims came here to get away from people like you? You’re in the wrong country. Just like Rupert Murdoch.”

15. “At this point, an original thought probably would kill you.”

16. “You’re not a woman or her doctor, so your relevance in this conversation has just expired.”

17. “Do they really let you operate heavy machinery? Well, I know they let you fiddle with voting machines, because that’s part of your basic training, but how about cars and lawnmowers and remote controls?”

18. “When Nancy said ‘Just Say No’, she wasn’t talking about every piece of legislation that did not come from your own party. She was talking about drugs. I’m sure you know what those are. Because that can be the only explanation for what’s coming out of your mouth right now.”

19. “Guess you should have done your homework, huh? Oh, who am I kidding. Facts mean nothing to you. Just like decency and ownership of your own failures. And proper dental work.”

20. “Despite what you think, assuming that you even do, ‘willful ignorance’ is not a trait to be admired. But thumbs up on your halter-top and flip-flops ensemble.”

21. “You are the reason why first-cousins shouldn’t marry.”

22. “Let’s make a deal. You don’t tell me who I can love and I won’t tell you that you are the most delusional person on the face of the planet. I think most sane people already agree with both points anyway.”

23. “I started to ask how you can even live with yourself after making that statement, but then I remembered that you’re just quoting from the party rulebook and have no idea what you are actually saying. Good puppy, good dog. Run over there so Mr. Koch can give you a treat.”

24. “It’s all fun and games right now, running around and being defiant, but sooner or later you’re going to trip over something that will hurt you. It’s called the next election day.”

25. “Really? You’re willing to risk the destruction of this country because you’re a sore loser over your puppet not getting elected? What is this, third grade? Guess momma should have gotten you that tricycle you wanted for Christmas and maybe you wouldn’t be so bitter. Although I doubt it. The bitterness and self-centeredness that you’ve perfected takes a lot more than not getting to ride the things you want to ride. (Hi there, Mr. Hypocrite, preaching from the pulpit and then tapping his shoe in a public restroom.)

It takes years of your buddies making sure you don’t pay your fair share of taxes, then someone coming along and pointing out that you really should pay those taxes. That would make anyone bitter. Well, anyone who still believes that Bonzo, George the First, and Shrub aren’t responsible for ramming this country into the ground.

We’ve got work to do, folks. Let’s do it.


1 comment:

  1. America did good when they....trimmed the uh, proverbial "shrubs"