Backup Dancers From Hell: Maroon 5 - “Harder To Breathe”

We start out with some rapid-fire video gimmickry where the band and all their instruments appear in this really dark room with no windows. They jump right into the song with great intensity, which is nice when compared to “event” videos with other artists where we spend 8 minutes with boring cinematography before anybody sings a single word. On the down side, the jump-cutting is already on my nerves and we’re only 10 seconds into the video. Fasten your seatbelts.

Okay, I’m guessing the frenetic overload of images in this dank cavern is meant to convey an air of claustrophobia, an artistic head-nod to the “harder to breathe” theme of the song title. But really, it’s a bit much. And why is lead singer Adam intent on doing that jerky thing with his leg? Did he not pee before they started the shoot?

But I guess nobody has any interest in my concerns, and we rampage forward with no scene lasting longer than one second. We finally slow down, and get to peruse more video tricks with the individual band members popping up on screen in mid-strumming of whatever instrument they are playing, then disappearing just as quickly. Interestingly enough, Adam is the only one who gets any substantial screen time. Is he planning to go solo?

Speaking of Adam, again, what’s up with your mouth attacking that microphone like you haven’t had a decent chili dog since the tour stop in Chicago? Settle down, buddy. It’s all good.

Then we have a sequence where it seems that at least 12 different members of the band are playing a guitar. Surely this isn’t the case. Then again, I’m not in a band, so maybe that’s the trend these days. And I suppose it’s very morale-building for one to see himself with something large jutting out of his crotch area, so maybe this bit is about group therapy.

Quick image of lots of candles appearing and then disappearing from a table. For some reason, this part unsettles me more than anything we’ve seen so far. No idea why. Maybe it’s the fact that we really need some light in this closed-in room. Is that too much to hope for?

I guess so, because it seems to be getting even darker in here. (The “harder to breathe” theme again, with people crammed together and forced to make music in the tiniest, dimmest space possible?) Of course, Adam doesn’t seem to have any issues with this arrangement, because the tight cropping means that the cameras are right there in his face as his exquisitely-chiseled jaw continues to make dominant love to the randy microphone.

Speaking of Adam, we now see him wandering down an unexplained hallway, where the pictures on the side walls keep appearing and disappearing, and the end of the hallway is a solid wall. Adam and the guitar that he is carelessly dragging behind him are not appreciative that there is no way out of this traffic route, so Adam starts singing to the wall. Not sure what he hopes to accomplish with that, but I’m thinking a fire axe or some well-placed explosives might prove more satisfying.

This stand-off goes on for longer than necessary, then Adam heads back into the cramped quarters where the rest of the band is playing. Oh wait, we seem to have a few more lights on back in this hood and we can see a little better. (Note to self: When unsatisfied with the wattage in a rudely restrictive room, try warbling some lyrics at an otherwise unresponsive wall. Redemption could be forthcoming.)

The improved visibility in the main performance area inspires the remaining band members to go at their instruments like they’ve had a bad rash since last Tuesday and are ready for the itch to be gone. And that’s basically how we wind down the video, with the A.D.D.-camera whirling about madly while the guys pogo and boing with almost orgasmic release. (Adam does a catch-and-release thing with his microphone that is actually quite interesting, but probably won’t look all that great on a job application.)

Then the music abruptly stops and everybody piles out of the room. I’m guessing the Chinese takeout is here…


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Backup Dancers From Hell: Maroon 5 - “Won’t Go Home Without You”

  We start out with lead singer Adam and presumably his date having a nice time sitting in a restaurant, despite the fact that everything is in black and white and you can’t hear what they might be saying since the soundtrack hasn’t started yet. (Did somebody forget to do something?) By the way, so you won’t waste time trying to figure out why the girl looks familiar, she played Alex on “Lost”, the daughter of Crazy Ben who went sort of crazy herself, but then redeemed herself just before getting killed. (Which, come to think of it, happened to a lot of people on that show. Do NOT book a flight on Oceanic Airlines.)

  Anyway, we flip through some scenes, and it seems that Adam and Alex eventually have something of a tiff, and he stomps off, leaving Alex and her overly-large necklace to deal with the check. Cut to Adam with the rest of the band, performing the song in one of those nondescript rooms with ugly carpeting, a setting that lots of bands tend to enjoy for unknown reasons. While his mates moved about freely, Adam seems obsessed with sitting in a wooden chair and gripping it very tightly so we can see his arm veins.

  Nothing really major happens for a bit here, as the camera jumps around the room so we can see what folks are up to. The drummer drums, the guitar players guitar, and we keep getting very tight close-ups of Adam’s face so that we can make a detailed analysis of his facial-pore situation and recommend a few astringents. (Say, is that Gregg Allman playing one of the guitars? He’s looking really good for his age.)

  Um, this goes on for a while. They try some interesting camera angles and such, but really, it’s just a band making music. (And really, the one guy banging out that same note on the piano? Why do we need to see him doing that so many times? I get it. It’s the same note. Thank you.) The director also provides us with more snippets of Adam and Alex and their black-and-white domestic meltdown, but again, nothing new other than confirmation that Alex has amazing cheekbones.)

  Oh wait, something’s up as Adam finally gets out of that chair, dashes out of the room, and suddenly appears… in an alley walking by a dumpster. Okay, not a destination I would choose, but at least we have movement. Adam struts along for a bit, warbling, and eventually encounters a group of boys riding skateboards and squirting water at one another. I really don’t get the appeal of this activity, but they seem to be having a nice time and Adam doesn’t make them stop, even when they get him wet.

  A bit later, Adam is walking in a parking lot where some obvious hookers are trying to ply their trade. One enthusiastic and chesty member of the Third Wives’ Club tries to get Adam’s attention by yanking on him, but he’s busy with another chorus of the song and he leaves Jezebel behind so she can learn some hard lessons about rejection and bad wardrobe choices. Adam turns a corner, and this is where we go off the rails.

  Adam trips over some break-dancer and his cardboard, causing the small but entranced audience to shove Adam around like a pinball. This leads to Adam being forced to pose for photos with tourists and Professor Dumbledore and possibly Marilyn Monroe. Then some chippie in a ballroom gown throws herself at Adam and they spin around a bit, causing a rabid and aggressive clown to shove his face at the camera. We end this madness with a Chinese Dragon trying to swallow Adam’s head.

  Really?

  Cut to Adam, having escaped the traveling circus, taking a break in front of a store window display where a male deer is offended by a pile of plastic bags containing blue gel. (There’s also some scrawny trees. I don’t think they were part of whatever crime might have happened, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Charlie Brown and Linus showed up with some Christmas decorations.) Adam sings for a while, perched in front of the display, so we’ll assume that he feels comfortable around disgruntled wildlife.

  Then Adam gets a second wind, and off he goes, running back to the restaurant where Alex should be if she hasn’t time-skipped her way to another part of the island. Adam throws open some really nice Art Deco doors, and starts rudely marching past the restaurant staff, cruelly knocking aside some waitress and her stock of dinner rolls.

  Well, there are certain ways one should act in public, and this isn’t one of them, so some burly guys grab Adam and start dragging him away. (Wait. Burly guys on the wait staff? This clearly can’t be New York City. Maybe Idaho?) The tough dudes throw Adam into the alley. He promptly doubles back and runs in another door, one that is apparently unguarded by bitter bouncers who failed entrance into the Police Academy.

  Adam sashays through the restaurant until he makes it back to the table where Alex should still be seated, and she is, only with a new companion who hasn’t shaved but obviously has Alex’s lust-o-meter hitting the higher numbers, both of them gazing at one another with a passion that no one understands but will probably make a nice Top 40 hit. Dejected, Adam turns and wanders off to see if the restaurant does carry-out.

  Dude. You battled a Chinese Dragon and insistent hookers, but you’re going to let a little cologne model stop you from claiming Ben’s daughter? Weak.

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Maroon 5 - “Wake Up Call”

We start out with Adam and some woman with far too much makeup sitting in a car somewhere. Her fake eyelashes alone are so startling that it’s hard to follow the dialogue, but the main gist is that Makeup lied to Adam a bunch of times about something. When Makeup tries to explain, Adam interrupts by saying “it was probably my fault anyway”.

Dude, lying aside, do you even know what this woman looks like in real life. I haven’t seen that much pancake since I ordered the Fresh N Fruity at IHOP.

Cut to the band performing in a water runoff channel, possibly because the acoustics are just right. While Adam sings, the opening credits for this mini-film start flashing. Quick shot of Makeup practicing for a Victoria’s Secret gig in some hallway, then we have a gander at some obvious hookers standing near a building. Some person that we can’t see uses binoculars to focus on the hooker booties. That’s nice.

Next we have Adam and Makeup bumping uglies during apparently happier, non-lying times, then shots of the band, shots of another hooker, and shots of somebody with a trench coat running through water. (Who knows.) Suddenly, we see Makeup in bed with another man (the horror!) and Adam kicks the door in to catch them in the act. (He couldn’t just turn the knob?) There’s a confrontational scuffle, leading to Adam pulling out a gun and shooting Makeup’s new friend. Okay, then.

Now we’re on a roof with one of the other band members, James, and absolutely nothing happens before we cut back to Adam’s apartment where he’s dragging New Stud down the same hallway where Makeup was practicing just a few moments earlier. Then, out of nowhere, we see a stripper swinging on a pole. Seriously. Back to that roof, where some woman who never met a bottle of peroxide that she didn’t like exchanges carry-on luggage with James.

Shots of somebody running across another roof. No idea. And now it starts to really get crazy. Quick shot of supermodels bound-up on a boat, some other people tied up in the back of some vehicle, an extremely breasty woman doing something with a flag, somebody slamming a tailgate shut, Adam turning over a dining table while Makeup wears panties, another shot of the boat supermodels touching each other seductively, and yet another hooker smashing a bottle over someone’s head.

Still with me? There’s more.

More of the woman who loves her some stripper pole, suspicious people meeting in an alley, Adam and Makeup running down another alley, Adam shoving Stud Boy into a body bag (who keeps that kind of thing around the house?), one of the band members being chased by Cujo, Adam smashing a bathroom mirror with a baseball bat (because that accomplishes a lot), and multiple people getting their mug shots taken. Is there anybody nice in this video?

Cut to Adam and Makeup on some building, bridge, something high, throwing Stud Boy over the side while a security camera catches everything. Back to the parked car where this whole mess started, with Adam and Makeup still talking. We see that somebody (probably Adam, because he just has that sneaky look, but maybe not) is recording their conversation. Then I guess he and Makeup make up, because they get out of the car and hold hands while walking away. And the car blows up behind them.

What in gay hell?

We see that the breasty woman still has her flag, there’s a helicopter flying around where the boys are performing, Adam is driving another car really fast, the lesbian subplot on that boat is still developing, we still have random hookers, some of whom are fondling somebody in a dark bar, disembodied lips flashing across the screen, somebody checking their watch, people still tied up in the back of a car, and more mug shots. I don’t know who’s guilty of what any more, and I’m starting to not care. Perhaps another beer will help the situation.

And the video winds down with more flashing images. Police women with cleavage bouncing their way down yet another alley, people on rooftops, the lesbian cruise, airplanes, Adam being captured and interrogated by Playboy Bunnies, fingerprinting, that stripper who won’t stop twirling, something burning, the cast of “Burlesque” making a cameo, slobbering dogs, and the band still performing in that place where John Travolta raced for pink slips back in the day.

Final shot is of Adam in jail. Based on his friends and the cavalcade of women marching around with lethal weapons on their chests, this is probably the safest place for him to be…

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Maroon 5 - “Misery”

Well, isn’t this nice. An abusive relationship set to a catchy beat. And here we go.

Lead singer Adam drops out of the sky and lands on his back in the middle of a street somewhere. I guess he’s fine, because he starts singing the song while gazing at us as if we were responsible for his situation. We’re not, but we’ll forgive him for now. Maybe he hit his head and isn’t thinking clearly.

Next thing you know, some Supermodel is astraddle his body, writhing about and such in a non-chaste manner. She might be performing CPR in a very friendly way, but it’s not clear. Suddenly, Supermodel pulls Adam off the ground and slams him into a chain-link fence. I guess he likes that, because he smirks and sings some more. They paw at each other in a way that might be lust-inspired, but could also just be a nervous condition. Adam touches her booty, but she doesn’t seem to care for that.

Without explanation, we’re suddenly up against some closed garage door, where the frenzied pawing continues, including a new variation where Supermodel chews on his lower lip. Then she jabs him in the forehead, which transports them to the middle of an alley where there’s some dust billowing around.

It seems the dust causes Supermodel to have an allergic reaction, because she sneezes really hard and head-butts Adam, knocking him to his knees. That’s fine with Adam, because now he can play with the waistband of her jeans while she slaps and kicks him. What is inspiring her to be so brutal is not clear. Maybe she’s just mean, or hates his outfit. He does seem to have more hair product than is really necessary.

Then she performs a really powerful high-kick, that somehow knocks Adam into the middle of another busy street. He scrambles to his feet to run away, but he’s not paying attention and gets hit by a car, driven by someone who’s in a hurry and doesn’t have time for pleasantries like stopping to see if they have killed someone. Adam survives, but, because he has issues, he runs into the abusive arms of Supermodel instead of the other way. This is how country songs are born.

Now we’re in a restaurant where there’s not any food on the table, but at least they have silverware because Supermodel is playing with a rather menacing knife, rubbing it about on her body and looking uncomfortably deranged. While Adam continues to sing to her, because not even vicious supermodels can stop the music in him, she places his hand on the table and starts stabbing at the spaces between his splayed-out fingers. (Personally, I’d be asking for the check at this point.)

Then crazy girl stabs the knife through a hand, but the hand seems too far away from Adam to really be his, so I’m guessing one of their dining neighbors can no longer play the piano or perform surgery. Crazy girl picks up Adam and throws him on the table, greatly irritating the unseen wait staff, and this transports them into a bathroom. Instead of just using the facilities like decent people, Super Crazy uses a stall door to smack Adam in the head. (Little trooper that he is, he never stops singing. The show must go on, despite masochism in the powder room.) Super then shoves Adam’s face in the sink water, so he must have gotten some Eggs Benedict on his chin during the brunch that they never finished because she has a stabbing fetish.

Then we’re back out in the dinner, even though all the tables are now missing because the restaurant manager has had enough of the roughhousing. Crazy is sitting in a chair and semi-impales Adam on one of her skinny-jeaned legs, then she kicks Adam through the front plate-glass window of the diner. (This girl is really mad about something.)

Out on the sidewalk, Adam sings amid the broken glass, while some other guy gets hit by a car, so maybe his luck is improving. Oh wait, maybe not. Now we’re on a fire escape, with Crazy Girl clearly still steamed about whatever it is. She throws him over the side, but he manages to cling to the edge of the platform, dangling several stories up, because he just can’t get enough of that dark lovin’. She doesn’t really care what he wants, so she stomps on his hand to show who writes the checks in this house, and he falls.

But instead of slamming into the pavement, he instead lands in a nice montage of further abuse in all the locations that we’ve visited. A recap of the pain, if you will. There he is getting walloped in the street where they first met, and the alley, and the diner, and, looking very much like something that George Michael would enjoy, in the diner bathroom. We cap off the review with Adam turning to the side and spitting out blood, just to help us understand that you shouldn’t try this at home.

Then Adam is standing on the street, and he spies Super Crazy with a bazooka. This can’t be good, so he finally wises up and runs. (Unfortunately, a slow-moving stranger is not quite as fleet on his feet, and catches the bazooka in the face. These are different times, people. You really shouldn’t be out sight-seeing unless you’ve been trained in evading missiles.) Then Adam gets stupid again, and follows Crazy up to the roof of some building, where she promptly throws him over the side and he lands on a car. Some people never learn.

Hey look, another montage. This one has scenes of Adam grinning while Crazy nibbles on his ear, interspersed with Crazy beating on him some more, other people getting hit by cars (what’s up with that obsession), Crazy knocking Adam off a motorcycle because he was dumb enough to driver near her on one, and Adam lying on the smashed windshield of the car he fell on, probably paralyzed, but at least his vocal cords are still working. Maybe he doesn’t get paid if he doesn’t finish the song. Or dies.

Oh, and shots of Crazy throwing knives at Adam, but hitting bystanders instead. That’s nice. (Out walking the dog and BAM, unwelcome personal penetration. Sort of like Saturday night in an Arkansas bar.) And more ear-nibbling. So those are the twin themes, murderous vehicles and lobe-snacking. The things that dreams are made of.

We wrap it up with Super Crazy, wearing some cute fingerless gloves, lighting a Molotov cocktail and hurling it at Adam, so he can run through the streets while on fire, which is something I’ve always wanted to do, so I’m a little jealous. Finally, Adam collapses to the ground, conveniently near a microphone so we can hear the last words of the song. Then Crazy and her combat boots stomp off into the sunset, looking for other lead singers in denial…

　

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