Searching For Signal: #163 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 11

We start out with something a little different, where they do an “In Memoriam” thing, where we get to see shots of all the people who have died on this show, while pretty, wistful music plays in the background. It’s kind of fun, but I was startled at how many times I went “Who the hell was that? Did I miss an episode?”

Anyway, we get to the real action, with Bill storming into Fangtasia, all huffy because he just got the intergalactic “I’m in trouble again” mind message from Sookie. Pam’s there, all irritated about something, as usual, and she tries lying to Bill. “They’re not here.” Sorry, Trixie, but Bill can smell her in the basement, a lovely aroma of sunshine, baked cookies, and the inability to mind her own business.

So Pam tries another angle. “Maybe she’s afraid of you” and that’s why she’s here. Bill does not want to play, snarling threats at Pam, which basically should be a standard day for her and her negative attitude. Pam snaps back: “I’m not the enemy. There’s a bigger picture.” This leads to a physical tussle, which Bill should easily win, being older and all, but Pammy cheats by whipping out a clever bottle of silver mist and spraying him in the face. He drops to his knees, totally caught off guard by the evil air freshener.

Roll opening credits.

Cut to Sookie, quivering and wild-eyed in the basement, and we see that foreign girl, no idea what her name is but she’s the one that didn’t get squat in Eric’s will, traipsing down the stairs with some bolt-cutters or something. She’s still mad about the inheritance exclusion and is going to set Sookie free just to piss off Eric. She gets to cuttin’ and snippin’.

Upstairs, Pam and Bill are rolling all over the place, with her going all hog-wild with squirting her compact death spray. Furniture gets broken, and somebody’s drink gets knocked over so they are NOT going to be happy when they get back from the bathroom.

Here come the duo from downstairs, with foreign girl whirling a heavy silver chain like it’s a rodeo. She manages to subdue Pam with such, while Sookie hovers around the blinded Bill and chatters endlessly, one of her specialties. During all this, Pam reveals that Sookie was going to be a gift from Eric to Russell, but that might not quite happen since Pam is now strapped to a stripper pole while Bill and The Gift race out the door.

Cut to Lafayette and Jesus, still basking in the afterglow of their acid trip with the V. Jesus thinks the whole thing was a real hoot, and wants to do it again. Laff is not so enthusiastic: “The blood can lie.” Jesus: “Did it feel like a lie? Let’s do it again! I wanna see my people!” Laff tries to talk him out of it. Not a good idea, hooker.

Suddenly, Jesus turns into this snarling gargoyle demon thing and lunges at Laff. Then it’s over, and it’s just Jesus again, smiling seductively. “What?” Laff blinks his heavily-painted eyes, not sure if that was real or a weird flashback. He decides to sleep on the meaning of it all. Alone. He sends Jesus packing. Holla at ya later.

Now we have Jason and Crystal, with her explaining that she’s a “were-panther”. That’s nice. Jason: “You could have given me a heads up.” Crystal gets really defensive really fast, so I guess were-panthers can be manic-depressive. Crystal: “Stop blaming me for things that aren’t my fault!” Jason, apparently not remembering the rest of his lines, runs out the door to look for Sookie instead of learning more about his hairy girlfriend.

Jessica and Hoyt are making out, on what looks like one of Bill’s ancient couches (I bet there’s some serious coinage up in there). Hoyt: “I can’t do nothin’ without you.” Jess: “I missed you so much!” Hoyt: “You saved me!” Jess, not fully understanding romantic wordplay: “I killed a trucker!”

Hoyt: Oh… um… you couldn’t really help it, right? An accident? Jess: Nope. Did it on purpose, I was still learning the trade. But you have to understand this is what I really am. I have to have human blood. I’m not gonna stop. Hoyt spends about three seconds on his response, then: “Drink me.” Girl is ON it, pronto.

Cut to the Jackson Art Museum. Russell is staring at some painting, missing his lost love Talbot while clutching the Waterford urn that contains Talbot’s gooey remains. Eric shows: “You loved him more than anyone.” That’s why he had to die. Russell: “Don’t be obscure.” Eric: Fine, then. A thousand years ago. Vikings. Dead parents. Blah, blah, blah. All because you wanted a crown for your stupid collection.

Russell smiles. “I’m SO excited to kill you.”

Eric: No, we’re even. Let me help you now. Russell: “You can’t possibly comprehend what I’m after.” Then he moves in to snap Eric’s neck or something. Eric: “I can offer you day-walking.” Russell pauses, skeptical. But if it’s really true: “No one could stand against me.” Eric: “If I’m wrong, you can kill me tomorrow.”

Then Eric’s phone rings. (Ring tone: “Aint’ We Got Fun!”) It’s Pam. Thought you might want to know that your parting gift for Russell has parted herself.

Bill and Sookie in the car. He wants to know why she went to Eric. She blows it off, which leads to Bill bringing up trust issues, and Sookie countering the trust issues with not being sure she can believe either one of them. Bill, wanting to save the relationship: Let’s try again. Want to? (Very sweet. But really, let’s cross off “staying alive” on our checklist first, shall we?)

Quick shot of Tara at Eggs’ grave, crying.

Merlotte’s, with Holly and Arlene chatting about the non-abortion abortion that Arlene is seeking. Holly: There’s not a 100% guarantee that it will work. Arlene: I just wanna get it over with.

Suddenly, Sam comes staggering into the bar, totally wasted. He’s all about the drunken hollering and rudeness. Terry tries to calm him down, but Sam responds by calling Terry a “shell-shocked” really bad word. That sets Arlene off, and she tears into Sam. (With Holly in the background, helpfully adding “And you’re polluting our vibes!”) Sam continues with the attitude and the meanness, causing Holly and Arlene to rip off their aprons and storm from the bar. (But not before Holly cryptically tells Arlene “Grab the salt. I forgot mine.”)

Cut to Jason in his truck, leaving a voice message for the non-answering Sookie. Oh look, he just happens to be parked outside the high-school football stadium. Let’s go see what’s up and relive our glory days when we were a star athlete and we didn’t have to be responsible for our lives.

Turns out some of the football team is having a late practice, including that cocky quarterback boy that we can’t stand. He’s throwing the football really hard, knocking people over. One of the passes even sails off into the night sky, never to be seen again. Oh? Jason nods knowingly.

Now we’re at Hoyt’s momma’s house, and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Summer, crying about Hoyt not wanting her baking skills. “I even offered him my virginity!” Mom: “I appreciate that. Even if you broke God’s law.” Summer: “I showed him my best underwear!” Momma, realizing that this is one of the most profound sacrifices a girl can make, hugs Summer. “We are NOT finished.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Sam is now serving the tables because he’s made everybody mad. Tara strolls in and walks over to Sheriff Andy. “Mind if I sit?” she asks politely, but her expression is making it clear that if she gets any hint of disagreement she will cut. She just sits there and glares at him while he rattles about inane things. Then she finally interrupts him.

Tara: “I know about Eggs.” Then she launches, anger and invective filling the air. “You’re a dirty, dirty cop.”

Andy: “What are you gonna do?”

Tara: “What can I do?”

Andy: “I never wanted to be a hero.” Then he tells the truth about Eggs going crazy with the knife and being in tight with Mary Ann and other tidbits of nastiness that Eggs did. Tara is stunned, her fire suddenly out.

Sam marches up to Tommy: Get out there and “take some orders”. Tommy has no intention of doing so, not his fault if Sam chased everybody off. This turns into a huge fight, with Sam finally firing Tommy and telling him to get out of the rental house. Tommy: “Where am I supposed to go?” Sam: “Don’t care.”

Then Sam marches out into Merlotte’s proper, and orders all the patrons to leave. Tara completely ignores him, sitting at the bar and taking shots from what looks like a five-gallon barrel of tequila.

Bill and Sookie, still zooming down the road in her crappy car, imagining what life would be like if they could do anything they wanted. She wants to be a real estate agent. (Which I guess would make sense. There’s a lot of turnover in this town, what with folks dying all the time.) Bill wants to teach third grade. (Where the hell did THAT come from?)

Speaking of, Russell and Eric suddenly appear in the middle of the road, with Russell slamming his fist on the front hood of the crappy vehicle and causing it to almost flip over, which is kind of neat. Oh boy, change in plans.

Holly and Arlene are in the middle of some field, with Holly pouring a big salt circle and chanting. She’s also waving around a very impressive dagger, so let’s hope it’s for ceremonial purposes and not, you know, killing. While she’s flitting about, Holly compares momma stories with Arlene, and it seems neither one of them had very good relationships.

Holly suddenly blurts out: “You need a decoction!” Arlene and the audience stare at Holly in puzzlement, because that sounds really painful. Turns out it’s just a fancy name for the bubbling brew that Holly as been preparing in between rounds of flinging table condiments. Oh, and we just need one final ingredient. A drop of Arlene’s blood, as a sacrifice. This is SO not like going to Planned Parenthood.

And Holly has some final words as Arlene prepares to drink. “By the way, if a spirit is meant to be born, you can’t stop it.” Great.

Back to the football stadium, where the cocky quarterback is still pushing his team too hard until they get fed up and leave. Jason walks up to him. “You’re on V.” Cocky: Maybe. Jason: “That makes you a liar and a cheater. I’m taking you down.” Cocky: No you’re not. My parents are paying for the V and the principal takes V and has sex. Not worried.

Jason stomps off into the night, disillusioned. I’m wondering where I can get my hands on a brochure for this school.

Cut to Laff’s place, where he suddenly wakes up to find that all the cute little voodoo dolls in the den have turned evil and are having a party.

Over to Fangtasia, where the Sookie-mobile rolls up and the gang piles out. Eric whispers to Bill: “Hit me!” Just do it. Bill does, and they get into a nice hair-pulling rumble. Russell ignores the rough-housing and drags Sookie inside. Once the door closes, Eric says to Bill: “I have a plan.”

Tara and Sam, alone at Merlotte’s. Tara: “What crawled up your butt tonight?” Sam: Hey, you get to show your feelings all the time. Tara schools him on the proper way to retain employees. Sam: “We got nobody.” Tara: “You got me.” This leads to flirting, quickly followed by tonguing, and the next thing you know we got hot and sweaty sex back at Sam’s place.

Quick shot of Tommy breaking into the safe in Sam’s office at Merlotte’s.

Next we have Arlene fishing in some swamp, and we know she don’t mess with dirty stuff so it’s got to be a dream. She hears her momma calling but doesn’t really feel compelled to go see what she’s hollerin’ about. Suddenly, Terry is waking her up back in her own bed. She starts to get out of bed, and then sees that there’s blood everywhere.

Terry starts to call 9-1-1, but she stops him. “I’m okay. But I think we’re losin’ the baby.” When he starts to break down, she soothes him. “We’ll cry later. Can you get me that big box of pads out of the bathroom?”

Jason gets home, and finds Crystal. Jason: “I don’t wanna break up. No one in this town is who they’re supposed to be.” Crystal: That’s swell. Now, can we go stop the drug bust at the meth lab before all my inbred kin get kilt?”

Back to Fangtasia, with Russell ogling the nubile Sookie. “Fairies? Am I a fool?” Eric: “She may be the last of her kind.” Sookie: You ain’t gonna drink from me. I ain’t nobody’s supernatural sunscreen. Bill stops her in mid-screech: “Just do it. He may let you live.”

Sookie’s eyes burn with confusion and raging at hatred towards Bill right at that moment. (Girl really needs to make up her mind about Bill, just sayin’.)

Russell has one condition for Eric about this arrangement: “You go first.” Eric: “Love to.”

Arlene and Terry at the hospital, with her consoling him even though she’s the one being forced to wear a backless gown. The doctor comes in with some interesting news. “The baby’s still on board. He’s one strong little critter.’ Terry turns handsprings. Arelene gulps.

Fangtasia. Sunrise.

Pam and Eric are off to one side. Pam: “Don’t do it. What if it doesn’t work?” Eric: “It will.”

They walk over and join the rest of the happy crowd. Bill’s chained up, Sookie’s chained up and still glaring at Bill, Russell’s thinking of who he can hurt next. He and Eric approach Sookie.

Bill: “Don’t drain her.” Otherwise, no more midnight fairy snacking, ever.

Russell gets impatient, grabs one of Sookie’s arms, and feeds. Eric quickly joins him.

Then Eric walks out the front door and into the sun. He does not burst into flames.

Russell and Pam watch on a security monitor, awed, while Sookie is sprawled on the table behind them, half-dead and not looking very pretty. Bill: “Unchain me! I have to feed Sookie!” They completely ignore him, gazing at the non-flaming Eric, eyes dancing with delight and potential daylight killing sprees.

Eric motions on the monitor for Russell to come out. Then he turns away from security camera, muttering “don’t let them see me”. We realize that his skin is starting to smoke. Uh oh.

Russell babbles some nonsense about manifest destiny, then he walks out the front door as well, almost in rapture at the touch of the sun.

Back inside, Pam is still watching the monitor, blood-tears dripping. Bill screams in the background, still insisting that he be allowed to feed Sookie. Pam couldn’t care less about anyone’s nutritional needs right at the moment.

Back outside, Eric suddenly turns to face Russell. Just as Russell realizes that Eric’s face is burning off, Eric snatches Russell’s arm and handcuffs Russell to his own body.

“Be brave. We’ll die together.”

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #159 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 10

We start off with Bill finally letting Sookie know “what she is”. Sookie’s eyes are all aglow with excitement until Bill does the big reveal, then she’s greatly disappointed. “I’m a fairy? How lame!” Bill tries to soften the blow. Well, you also go by lots of other interesting names, none of which I catch. Oh, and she’s not really a full-blooded fairy, being the result of a fairy forcing itself on one of Sookie’s ancestors back in the day. Because fairies apparently like to do that.

Sookie: “So my people are rapists?” Great.

Bill has more news. He’s been to the Sookie Dreamworld Garden and talked to the very excitable Claudine. Seems she and her billowy sisters have been protecting Sookie all this time. And, cautions Bill, we have to be very careful, because most people believe the fairies were wiped out of existence by vampires.

Sookie sighs. Really, people. A fairy?

Roll opening credits.

Jason is having some issues dealing with the aftermath of shooting Franklin, while Tara stands nearby and trembles. Jason has flashbacks to killing Eggs as well as that one weird guy down in the basement back in the day. Then Tara starts barking orders. “I need you to dig!” Jason interprets this to mean dropping on all fours and half-heartedly pawing at the ground like he has a bone to bury. Tara: “Take these clothes and find a place to burn them.” Jason scampers off. Tara then spits on what’s left of the Franklin pie and runs to join Jason in his truck.. They roar away like there’s a sale at Macy’s.

Lafayette, still hauling around beat-up Crystal Daddy, pulls up to his house instead of a hospital. This irritates Jesus. What are you doing? Laff: “It’s twenty miles or more. He’s not going to make it. Help me get him inside.”

Sam’s at his house, pouring Jack Daniels on the hand wounds he got from walloping Crystal Daddy. (What, you own a bar but you can’t afford some hydrogen peroxide?) The smooth, charcoal-mellowed liquid apparently causes Sam to hear voices, and then have a flashback.

2003. A slick-haired Sam (And we don’t want to do that look again. Are you listening stylist people? Not working for me) and some tramp are all happy about some jewels that Sam has apparently stolen while doing his doggie drag. They decide to have sex as a celebration, and he shoves her up against a wall as foreplay.

Then some guy comes in and puts a gun to Sam’s head. I’ll be takin’ them there jewels. It’s a setup, and previously horny girlfriend was in on it, and she now races to gather the booty. As a parting gift, they guy wallops Sam with the gun. As she scurries out the door, the girl pauses to look wistfully at Sam on the floor, so we know that she really did enjoy her time with Lassie, and will probably miss him. Then we flash back to the present, and Sam starts throwing things around.

Sookie and Bill again, and she has more questions. Sookie: Why do people think we were wiped out? Bill: There’s a legend that fairy blood is most delicious. Sookie: Why did excitable Claudine believe you? And wait a minute. Are your feelings for me based on my deliciousness? Bill: At first, maybe. But we grew. And I love you. You brought light back into my life.

Good save, Bill.

Eric and Pam are at Fantasia with some lawyer. It seems that Eric is updating his will to basically leave everything to Pam. This causes Pam to stop around in her designer heels and ask: “WHY?” Eric: “Do the math.” You think Russell is going to let me live?

The lawyer doesn’t care, especially since there’s a “Leave It To Beaver” marathon and he’d really like to get home. We just need two witnesses, and the other one can’t be the person getting the money. So Eric hollers, and some trollop comes marching out. I don’t recall ever seeing her before, but apparently she and Eric have some kind of something going on. She is none too happy about signing papers where she doesn’t get any of the goodies. Eric calls her a whore, which causes Pam to call him a bastard. Love is in the air.

Back to Laff’s house, where he gives some vampire blood to Crystal Daddy, which causes the mean redneck to instantly heal. Crystal is beside herself with joy and resurrection, but Daddy does not know how to show appreciation and thanksgiving. He gets mad that he’s got some vamp blood up in him, and to show his displeasure he slaps Crystal and then stomps away, presumably to NOT attend an anger management class. Crystal, backwoods fool that she is, runs after him.

Lafayetta: “That’s a whole new dimension of trash right there.”

Crystal follows Angry Daddy somewhere into the woods, with Daddy bellowing nastiness and intolerance. Crystal tries to plead some sense into him, until Daddy finally whirls on her. “You CAN’T mix with those people.” You need to get your butt back to Felton and commence with the breeding. Crystal: Can’t do it. Daddy: Then you’re dead to me. He marches off to see if there are any innocent furry animals that he can torture.

Sookie’s house. She’s sawing logs on the couch while Bill is watching that Nan spokes-bitch on TV, defending the vampire race and explaining that Russell is just a tiny little exception. (But really, who’s going to believe anything she says with that severe haircut of hers?) There’s a knock on the door.

It’s Eric. “I know what Sookie is.” Turns out this is some type of code phrase for “hey, let’s go take a walk in the woods”, which they do. Eric: Since you’ve been doing the Sookie Snackin’, you can walk in the sun. Did Sophie Ann tell you that? Is it true? Bill: Meh. Just a few minutes. You still burn. Eric: Well, Sophie’s going to be disappointed. Oh, by the way, I killed Talbot. Bill: Why are you here? Eric: To protect Sookie. And you need to tell her the truth.

Conveniently, Sookie walks up just then, because she can’t stand it when people walk in the woods without her approval. “What truth?” Then she glares at Eric. “And I can’t trust YOU” about anything.

Sookie, dear. If you want to learn things, perhaps you shouldn’t be so bitter with your communication skills. Play nice. Then if you need to, you can kill people later.

Eric: “Do what you want. I won’t be around much longer. I wish you the best.”

Merlotte’s, where that Fellowship of the Sun guy is on TV, pretending to be Christian but really just trashing vampires. Arlene is watching him, agreeing, and getting a little lippy with her anti-vamp commentary. Jessica finally snaps, fangs are bared, and she firmly explains to Arlene that she needs to be a little more tolerant. And that she has a bad dye job.

This confrontation makes Tommy horny, which I guess shouldn’t be surprising. He tags along after Jessica, inquiring about Hoyt’s status. “Why you here with me instead of with him?” Jessica: “He’s too good for me.” Tommy “I’m not.”

Cut to Hoyt and Summer the Biscuit Maker in his truck. She’s noticed that things are a bit distant between them (um, he can’t stand you, is that what you mean?) and she’s decided to fill that void with sex. She starts to wriggle out of her clothes while Hoyt considers taking his own life.

Jason drags Tara to his house, and they find Sookie and Bill there. Sook: “Can we stay?” Little bit of an issue, people hunting us down, blah, blah. Tara, all bitchy: Bill ain’t nuthin but trouble!” Bill: “Fine, I’ll go to ground nearby.” He marches away. When Sook tries to tell Tara what for, Tara stops her. “I want all vampires dead!” Then Tara launches into a long tirade with details about what Franklin did to her while “the man you love didn’t lift a finger.”

Then they hug it out, because nothing brings people closer together than comparing vampire experiences. Meanwhile, Bill is talking to Jason out back. Bill: “You got a gun? The werewolves are fast.” Jason: “I’ll take care of her.” Which is nice and all, but it’s Jason. Something is going to go terribly wrong, soon. And he’s going to have sex. Those are the two constants with young Mr. Stackhouse.

Back to Lafayette’s house, where Laff finds Jesus sniffing a vial of vampire blood. Jesus: “This is magic. You ever do it? I wanna do it with you.” Laff: Hold up. That stuff is whack. Different things happen at different times. Jesus: “You’re safe with me.” Then they talk briefly about being shamans. (When did THAT happen?) Then Jesus feeds them both a drop. Oh boy.

Merlotte’s again, TV is still on, and a reporter is letting us know that they raided Russell’s plantation but didn’t find a damn thing. Sam comes in, and the staff is a little jumpy about this development, because the last time the boss was in the house he tore up that Crystal Daddy man with a bit more savagery than anyone expected.

New waitress Holly (aka newly-hired therapist for the entire town) approaches Bill with a baggie. “This is black kohash” (or something like that) “and it will help you control your testosterone. I’m a wiccan.” Sam glares at her for a second, then basically tells her to go to hell and mind her own business, proving that he just might need that kohash after all.

As Sam stomps away, Tommy throws this out: “I was proud of you last night. “ Sam throws back: “You’re an idiot.”

Terry is out back, smoking, when Arlene comes traipsing out the back door with a sack of trash. She bursts into tears, he tries to comfort her, and she finally fesses: “This baby ain’t yours! It’s Renee’s. It’s evil and I want to get rid of it.” Terry: “No! I will raise that child as my own. We will surround that baby with love.” Which is really sweet and all, but dude. Are you not paying attention to everything else going on around you? Might want to really consider this spawn of Satan thing.

Jason and Sookie, with him upset and trying to talk about killing Franklin. Sookie tries to counsel him, which causes Jason to blurt: “I killed Eggs! Andy said it was him before I could think.” Sookie takes a step back, and she gets that flash in her eye which means she’s about to make an ultimatum. “Tara’s gotta know! People always find out.” Jason sighs.

Next we have Jesus and Lafayette, trippin’ on da V, yo. They go through a doorway and find themselves in a giant temple, where a woman with a green ring is making tortillas. Jesus knows her, something about she saved many people from evil. Then we’re in a courtyard, with another woman breaking a raw egg over someone’s belly. And we have an underground tunnel thing where there are skulls and goats and a creepy man who seems very displeased as he chants and curses. Very surreal and weird.

Bottom line, Lafayette’s great-grandmother (or some such) was some kind of priestess, and Jesus’ grandfather practiced the black arts and had big plans for Jesus, but his momma took him on the run. At least I think that’s what we learned. I really don’t know. But I do know that I won’t be taking any V. No sir. I don’t want to KNOW what my ancestors might have done. Although I suspect one of them must have had sex with a fairy.

Sookie wakes up and Eric is there. Sook: “I know this is a dream. I’m getting tired of dreaming about you.” Eric, as they kiss passionately, “I know you like it. Oh, and don’t trust Bill.” Sookie wakes for real.

Jason is starting at her. “You okay?” Yeah, she’s fine. So Jason takes a breakfast tray into Tara’s room. He starts to talk to her about the Eggs thing, but can’t just yet. Tara, thinking this is about Franklin: “It’s okay. You saved my life.” Jason tries again, but he’s not making any sense. It’s Jason. Tara: “You’re a good person. I can count on you.” They hug. Then they kiss. Then they really kiss, tongues and all that. Uh oh.

Tara breaks it off and starts to run away. Jason grabs her arm. “I shot Eggs!” Tara flees into the night. Well, at least to another part of the house. Jason tries to follow, then realizes that Sookie is gone. But she thoughtfully left a note, so we know that at least the first part of her journey was voluntary.

Bill’s house, with Jessica wandering about. Suddenly there’s lots of hollerin’, and she spies a cross burning on the lawn and graffiti painted on the house. Seems some folks aren’t too happy with vampires right now. Bill shows up, and Jessica wants to track down the people who did this, but Bill stops her.

Sam’s sitting somewhere, drinking in the dark, and he has another flashback. (Have you not connected the dots here, Sam? Don’t drink. The flashbacks won’t happen.) Anyway, in this one, we’re at a campground with the couple that rudely took the jewels that Sam took from somebody else. Sam approaches in his doggy attire, then transitions back and nakedly grabs the man’s gun and aims it at him. “Give me the money.”

The girl scurries to get the booty out of a truck, but she’s taking forever. The guy gets bored and starts taunting Sam about being a Transformer. Sam doesn’t take kindly to that, and wallops the hell out of the guy. The girl runs around the corner of the truck and shoots at Sam. Sam turns and shoots the girl. She dies and he gets all angsty. Flash back to the present, with Sam sitting there and looking like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” just before he discovered that you can redecorate using a common household axe.

Fangtasia, with Sookie and Eric sitting in his office. Sook: “Why are you saying that you’re not going to be around much longer?” Eric: “Don’t pretend that you care. But I do want to kiss you.” Sook: “Sounds like goodbye.” Eric: “It is.”

And we go right into some heavy kissing. I guess Sookie doesn’t mind spontaneous slap and tickle if she knows that her partner is about to be annihilated and there won’t be any embarrassing “morning after” awkwardness. But she breaks the spit-swapping for another question. “Tell me why I shouldn’t trust Bill.”

And that damn Pam chooses this moment to bang through the door. We have a situation. Out here. Eric follows Pam’s sashaying couture to the other room. Sookie stays and compares the various flavors or vampire tongue she’s had lately.

Pam: “Just give Sookie to Russell.” Eric: “No! Stay out of this.” Pam: “I can’t believe you’re choosing a human over yourself. If you’re not going to give her, then figure out how to use her.”

Cut to some street corner, where an obvious male hustler has just pulled out a cigarette. Russell approaches and holds out a light. “You have someplace we can go?”

Quick scene at Merlotte’s. Arlene to Holly: Wanna tell me about those other ways of not being pregnant? Holly nods.

Cut to Jessica looking sad. Hoyt walks in. Hoyt: “I love you and I want to marry you.” Jessica: “That’s silly.” Hoyt: There’s no reason not to. Jessica: I’ve done bad things. Hoyt: If you don’t love me, that’s one thing. Tell me you don’t. Jessica doesn’t tell him anything. So Hoyt stomps out and down the steps, where Tommy tries to tease Hoyt about the situation. Hoyt knocks Tommy to the ground with one punch. (Yay!)

Well, Tommy’s not too keen on that. He transitions to his pit bull persona, and then attacks Hoyt. It’s bad, blood spurting. Jessica runs up, and easily tosses Tommy three counties over. She kneels over the possibly fatally-injured Hoyt. “I love you, too. Now drink my blood.” Tommy watches from the bitter shadows.

Jason comes home, and Bill is there. Bill: WHERE is Sookie? Can you not do ANYTHING right? Jason: I tried! But Sookie does what she wants to do. Bill gets carried away, overly angry and derogatory. Jason commands him out of the house (“Sookie told me how.”) and Bill is forced outside, unable to return. Jason hears a noise, heads to his bedroom, and finds a blank panther. The big kitty turns into Crystal. Well, then. We knew it was coming, we just didn’t know how it was going to come.

Next we have Russell and the male hooker, post-coital. Russell is talking to the guy as if he was Talbot, so we know this isn’t going to end right. The hooker tries to leave, but Russell pulls him back, angering the boy toy. (“I told you it’s an extra 500 to bite me!”) Russell continues with his ode to Talbot and their life, and his words just get weirder. Then, holy cow, Russell whips out a stake and ends the hustler’s career, blood galore. Russell snuggles up to the body and continues talking. “So glad we had our chance to say goodbye.“

Hoo boy, that’s some messed-up action there.

Quick shot of Bill walking around outside a house, probably Sookie’s, might be his, it’s too dark.

Final scene at Fangtasia, where Eric suddenly grabs Sookie and drags her screaming to the basement. (We see Bill sensing her discomfort.) Eric chains Sookie up to that same metal pole thing where Laff, Pam and the Magister have spent some quality time.

Close-up of Sookie hollering Eric’s name. She MAD.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #147 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 7

We start out with Lorena still feasting on the squirming Sookie, blood flying. Apparently Sook has some secret sauce in her veins, because Lorena suddenly leans her head back and utters “What ARE you?” This position allows Bill to wrap a chain around Lorena’s neck and pull her down on top of him. Then he yells for Sookie to run get a pointy stick, which sounds reasonable.

In a neat trick, Bill holds Lorena above him while Sookie rams the stick through mean ole Lorena. This causes her to, basically, burst into a geyser of blood, with muck splashing everywhere. (Very visual, kudos to the art department.) Then Sookie drops down to check on Bill. He’s at least unconscious or possibly dead. (It’s hard work holding a gushing woman up like that, especially if you’ve just been the main course for some redneck werewolf people.) When Bill doesn’t respond, Sookie starts screaming for help because she’s trained in that skill.

Roll opening credits. Ugly people on parade, with some suggested fornication.

A van rushes up to the stable, with Tara and Alcide inside. They just want to rescue Sookie, because that’s all that’s on the requisition slip, and Tara still hasn’t gotten over Bill not lifting a finger when Tara was tied to a strange bed. But Sookie is adamant. “I’m not leaving here without him!” Sookie bangs around a bit, trying to get Bill unlocked from the Lorena chains, which allows plenty of time for that trashy Debbie tramp to come come running in the door with a gun. She does not look pleased about the uninvited dinner guests.

Cut to Sam driving his car up to some hillbilly with a shotgun. Sam tries to act all country. “I’m here for the fights.” The hillbilly, having watched enough CSI episodes down at the free clinic, is immediately suspicious. (Perhaps the copy of “Redneck for Dummies” he spies on the front seat tipped him off.) He cocks his shotgun, forces Sam to hand over his own weapon, and sends Sam away. Then the hillbilly goes back to his whittling and inbreeding.

Back to the horse stable, with Debbie being twitchy and waving her gun about. Alcide tries to calm her down. “You loved me once.” Instead of this sentiment causing Debbie to just toss the gun aside like everyone hopes, she instead has grievances to air. “You wouldn’t even give me a baby!” (The though of Debbie offspring is scarier than anything we’ve seen in the episode.) Alcide: “It’s never too late.”

What does THAT mean? Does he intend to skank about in the Lorena soup just so Debbie will shut up? I believe that would be pushing the “take one for the team” concept to entirely unnecessary level.

Tara sends Sookie a mind-thought to cause a distraction so Tara can then jump on the Debbie bitch. Sookie screams (see above-mentioned training), Tara flies through the air and wallops Debbie, and then that dumb-ass Cooter guy has to wander in and screw things up. So Alcide shoots him, because that was just rude timing on Cooter’s part. Of course, watching this-week’s boyfriend breathe his last sends Debbie the rest of the way over the edge.

Debbie screams and hollers while Alcide holds a gun on her so Sookie and reluctant Tara can drag Bill toward the van. When Debbie suddenly starts speaking in a creepy “The Exorcist” voice, Alcide has had enough and locks in her the stable. Why he didn’t just shoot her, I don’t know. It’s not like anybody would even bother to put Debbie’s face on the back of a milk carton.

Tara and Sookie are standing at the van, with Tara poking at the pile of Bill with a disgusted foot. “He ain’t gonna make it!”. Alcide joins them in staring at bloody Bill. Their gazing is interrupted when we hear a bark and here come some unhappy werewolves. Uh oh. Our gang piles in the van and peels out.

Cut to Jason lounging in his boxer shorts, while Hoyt is putting his clothes back on. (Excuse me?) They are babbling about Crystal (Jason: “I love her!”. Hoyt: “I bet her middle name’s Meth.”) and how Jason can find out more about his rural dream girl. Hoyt suggests Jason go talk to the drug dealer in the town jail, since he must be related to people who lie about fiances while living in a grungy trailer park.

While Jason dashes off to figure out what one wears when interrogating drug dealers, Hoyt hears a knock at the door. He opens it to find Summer, that annoying girl he went on a date with the other night. She’s holding a covered dish, so you know there’s going to be trouble.

Quick scene with Sam in the woods, stripping down to his birthday suit so he can transition into a dog. Then he trots off to save the day. Or at least clean himself with his tongue.

Hoyt and Summer again. She’s on some monologue about baked goods, the love and attention she lavished on the home-made butter, and the fact that she has plans for Hoyt. “I really want you to taste my biscuits.” At this startling bit of news, Jason wanders in, proceeds to taste the biscuits because it’s instinct with him to taste anything he sees, and is so moved by the deliciousness he encounters that he announces Hoyt and Summer should immediately begin making babies.

Cut to Sophie the Queen’s mansion, where she’s locked up in some cage thing and not really impressed with her accommodations. Eric walks up to Sophie, dragging along “her human” (Hadley? Something like that.) and threatening to drain Hadley for good if Sophie doesn’t spill the goods on Sookie. As Eric starts in on his snack, Sophie first claims to know nothing, then offers that you can’t trust Russell (well, THAT’S obvious, no need to bite anybody to learn such), and finally decides to be belligerent. Do what you want with my toy, she’s nothing to me.

Which was probably not a good move, since Hadley stirs in Eric’s lethal embrace, and warbles “I’ll tell you.” (By the way, I’m Sookie’s cousin, so good of you to drop by for a visit.) Hadley whispers something juicy in Eric’s ear while Sophie seethes and wrinkles her couture. Eric, news received: “I certainly wasn’t expecting THAT.”

Then they cut away, because it would be a damn shame if we actually learned something around here.

Quick scene at the hillbilly dog-fight compound, with Sam trotting up and wagging his tail. Somebody grabs a leash.

In the back of the van, Sookie is still struggling to keep Bill alive. “Give me a sign!” Then she reaches over, snatches up a handy giant-toothed saw that just happened to by lying there, and proceeds to cut open her arm. (Seriously, she couldn’t find something smaller?) Sookie lets some of her blood drip into Bill’s mouth. It does more than the trick, as Bill suddenly springs into action and tears into Sookie’s pretty little throat. Poor Sookie. Everybody in this episode wants to eat her.

Jason at the jail, trying to talk to the drug dealer in his cell. At first he’s all street, but that gets boring so he gets to the point and asks what the man knows about Crystal. Well, turns out this guy is her cousin, and he would be more than happy to give Jason some intel. On one condition. He needs some meth, and he needs it bad. (He twitches to show just how serious he is about this.) Jason ponders, and then nosey Deputy Assistant Temporary Acting Sheriff Andy strolls up and orders Jason to go wash more police cars. Preferably with his shirt off and lots of splashed water.

The van is now at the side of the road, so Alcide can go tinkle. (We’re running from vicious wolves and Bill is on the cusp of dying without having finished his Monuments of New Jersey jigsaw puzzle, but Alcide can’t just clench?) Tara goes to check on Sookie, opens the back door, and discovers extremely bloody and tragic-looking Sookie sprawled next to an energized but confused Bill.

Well, Tara ain’t gonna put up with that mess. She jumps in the van, throws Bill out, screams for Alcide to zip it up NOW, and then they fly down the road, leaving Bill in the sunlight. Well, would you look at that? Sure, Bill’s skin is smoking a wee bit, but none of that bursting into agonized flames business. Delighted, Bill runs off into the woods, because that’s just what you do around here until they get a new picture at the drive-in.

Quick scene with Dog Sam at the hillbilly compound, transitioning back into Human Sam so we can get brief glimpses of nudity before he races off to save… somebody too stupid to save themselves.

Cut to an Emergency Room, with Sookie and lots of medical procedures. They try to give her a blood transfusion, but she’s not being cooperative and tries to steal the scene by having a seizure of some kind. A bit later, some doctor is telling Tara that Sookie’s in a bad way. She’s lost a lot of blood (On this show? Imagine!), her body rejected the transfusion of O-negative, which anybody should be able to accept, and, oh yeah, Sookie has a blood type that nobody on this planet has ever seen. Cue dramatic music while Tara’s eyes widen.

Back to the dog-fighting compound. Trashy Momma is there, chain-smoking while she gets teary-eyed as (presumably) Tommy Doggie gets ready for his first rumble. Over in the dog pens, Sam sets off an alarm and then opens all the pens to set the Benji’s free. As rednecks scatter to the wind cause the po-po is comin’, Sam runs to the ring and makes Tommy transition back and orders Nasty Daddy to give Tommy his clothes. (I shut my eyes in absolute terror of seeing Nasty Daddy naked again.)

Jason goes to Merlotte’s, trying to get Lafayette to give him some meth. Laff gets offended cause he a high-class dealer, pushing V and not that cheap-ass meth. While they bicker, Jason gets a call from Tara. “Sookie’s in a coma. You need to get here.”

Back to the dogs. Sam yells at Trashy Momma and Nasty Daddy, belittling their parenting skills. Then he makes Tommy come with him as they stomp off. Nasty Daddy: “We’ll get him back.” Trashy Momma: You’re a pig and I hate you. (Yet gay people can’t get married? Sheesh.)

Over to the hospital, with some Pollyanna social worker trying to get Jason to understand the phrase “next of kin”. Jason: “I ain’t responsible.” Laff sends Polly off to arrange religious brochures, then Jason explains to Tara and Laff about Sookie’s medical history. She never got sick, never went to the hospital, wasn’t even borned in one. Popped out right there on the dining room table.

Tara blames it all on Bill, and is personally triumphant that she left Bill to burn up on the side of the road. (“Good riddance!”) Then Jason says some tender things to the comatose Sookie, followed by Tara with her own endearments. Then Laff tells them to both quit using cuss words as he reapplies his makeup and adjusts his embroidered headscarf with the depiction of The Last Supper at Studio 54.

Then things get a little weird.

Sookie, possibly in a dream sequence, or maybe it’s a special matinee showing of a near-death travelogue. She’s all pretty in her hospital bed, but prettiness is not enough so she gets out of bed, grabs a nice crystal goblet, and then walks across rose petals, out of the room and down the hall. A door flies open and we go through.

We find ourselves in a nice Garden of Eden, with Enya on the soundtrack and people dancing about wearing billowy clothing from “Xanadu Boutique”. Some chick named Claudine saunters up to Sookie. “Always getting into trouble, aren’t you? Oh look, your glass is empty.” (A phrase which, really, could apply to most of the people on this show.)

Our chatty host leads Sookie to a small pond, where the shiny water glimmers with unearthly dazzle. And apparently it’s very tasty, because Sookie gulps it down like a pig in mud. Claudine: “You’ve had it before.” Then Angelina Jolie rises out of the water and wanders off to adopt something.

And now we’re at the real hospital, with Laff reciting something very moving and beautiful. Tara nods her head approvingly. Jason just nods, period, because those are some really big words and he’s trying to stay awake.

Back to the Dancing Garden, where Claudine is requesting of Sookie: “Don’t go back. Come with us.” Then Sookie starts reading Claudine. Something about her parents. “It wasn’t the water that killed them.”

What?

Real hospital again. Bill shows up. “I can save her!” Tara don’t want NONE of that. Heated discussion ensues.

And the Dancing Garden again, where now the wind is blowing and it’s getting dark, which is a sign for the effeminate boys and diaphanous girls to run and jump in the pond. (That would be MY first instinct.) Claudine, doing double duty as both hostess and Julie on the Love Boat, is shoving people in the pond while still begging Sookie. “You have to come with us. He will steal your light!” Then everybody’s gone, and Sookie, not sure what might be next on the agenda, falls to the pretty ground and looks sad.

Real hospital. Jason, giving his consent to Bill. “Do it.” When Tara and Laff start to fuss in a chorus of dissatisfaction, Jason cuts them off. “It’s my call.” Bill unhooks Sookie’s IV from the little pole thing and shoves it into his arm.

Very quick scene with Sam and Tommy in the car, driving to wherever. No one says a word. Perhaps the script pages for this scene got sucked into the Angelina Pond during the stampede of anorexic angel people running from the darkness and Sookie’s tacky outfit.

Over to the basement of Fangtasia, where the Magister is still torturing Pam for wearing high-heeled shoes or whatever. He has some sterling silver earrings from Tiffany’s that he wants to use in piercing Pam’s eyelids. (Good times, right?) Eric suddenly flash-whizzes down the cellar stairs. “That’s enough!” Magister, not impressed: “Is Bill with you.” Eric: “No, but the Queen is.”

Oh? They finally have the Magister’s full attention. He gleefully prepares to arrest the Queen.

Russell waltzes in and informs the Magister: “You may call me King.” And oh, by the way, “I no longer recognize The Authority.” Magister: “That’s a cardinal sin!” Russell: As if I care. And there’s more good news. “The Queen has accepted my marriage proposal!” (Shot of Sophie looking anything but pleased with this nuptial arrangement.) “Now I just want you to recognize us.” When the Magister declines, Russell does his own speed-whiz movements, replacing Pam with the Magister in that torture chamber thing.

Then Russell grabs a smoking spike weapon and waves it about menacingly.

Hospital room again, with folks lying about in fitful slumber. Sookie awakens, tosses her head prettily, gazes upon her devoted family and friends with a gentle smile, and then she spies Bill marching toward her bed. And she promptly begins to scream her head off.

Back to the Fangtasia basement. Russell is stabbing the Magister with his evil walking stick. “Just say the words!” The Magister is being all petulant about it, but finally tires of being poked full of smoking holes. Fine. “I hereby pronounce you man and wife.”

Sophie the Queen, dripping sarcasm: “I’m so happy I could bleed.”

Russell then decides to give a lengthy oratory, probably having thought for a long time about this moment of ascension. We are now going to obey the One Law, the Law of Nature. We will take the world back from the humans! Or some such. Eventually, Russell gets pretty worked up and it’s not clear what he might do next.

Eric intervenes, trying to get Russell to just leave now that he’s been recognized. “Shall we?”

Russell starts to follow, then suddenly whirls around and chops the Magister’s head clean off.

“Say hello to the True Death.”

Well, then.

Roll end credits.