Breaking News: Tea Party Advises That Innocent Bedtime Stories Will Lead To The Downfall of Society

  In yet another example of Tea Party members completely misunderstanding American concepts, the political cult has chosen the Fourth of July as the perfect time to release its latest mindless rant about nothing. A “fact-finding” committee, led by one Willard M. Bushney, leader of the scandal-plagued church, Our Lady of Endless Inbreeding, published the results of their exhaustive two-hour investigation on the organization’s main website, ThinkingIsBadForYou.com.

  As is customary for the Tea Party, the committee did not document their investigation utilizing standard techniques such as word-processing programs or dictionaries, as that would require at least minimal education and the Tea Party frowns on such sacrilegious pursuits. Instead, the material is presented on the website as a poorly-photographed series of ill-dressed people waving picket signs and trying to figure out where the camera might be.

  An initial analysis of the sloppy presentation seems to indicate that the Tea Party is now up in their beloved arms about children’s bedtime stories, those charming tales one normally uses to help smiling children slip off to Slumber Land so the adults can go do more interesting things. However, since it’s rare to come across a Tea Partier who can spell and/or be coherent, we have invited renowned S.P.A. (Stupid-People Analyst), Ima Sickofthesetwits, to assist in interpreting the grammar-defying placards and offer some possible insight into what might have led to the logic-deficient slogans.

Exhibit 1: “Redd Rydeing Hud Iz A Kommie Batch!”

  Ima: This one is actually fairly straightforward, at least for a Tea Partier. In essence, despite the fact that the little girl is wearing a red ensemble which would normally invoke admiration in a TP, the brazen child has chosen to make travel decisions on her own (which she should never do, as a female), she is carrying food in her little basket to share with others (the Tea Partiers never share anything), and she is attempting to check on the medical status of an elderly relative (TP’s feel that senior citizens have only themselves to blame for growing old, and giving them things like Medicare only encourages them to get even older.) Clearly, Little Red is an uppity little urchin that must die.

Exhibit 2: “Jakk an Jill cain’t hav my hill!”

  Ima: This is another variation on the TP abhorrence for helping others out, flavored with more of their disdain for woman making proactive decisions. Our little duo simply wishes to climb a hill and obtain refreshments, but the Tea Partiers see this as a sure sign of Satan. Why can’t the duo get their water somewhere else? (Even though it’s a big well and there should be enough water for everyone.) Why should the duo be allowed to get water and not be forced to give some to the Tea Partiers? (Even though Jack and Jill have done all the work and the Tea Partiers haven’t done squat.) And why in the world is Jill climbing a hill and not off getting pregnant like the Bible says she should be doing as often as possible?

Exhibit 3: “NO White an NO Dorfs!”

  Ima: This one’s easy, once you realize they are talking about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. They think the dwarves are gay, because of the happiness and the whistling. And you can’t show gays having fun and doing a line dance on the way to work, because that makes it seem like the gays are quite content to be who they were born to be. All good Tea Partiers are fully aware that you shouldn’t be making decisions about how to live your own life.

Exhibit 4: “No Beauty and the Beast!”

  Ima:  Wow, somebody made it through without a spelling error. That’s the most frightening thing I’ve seen today. Anyway, the issue with this one is that the woman is mentioned first, which is totally forbidden. Keep it old-school by listing the man first, like “Samson and Delilah”, “Joseph and Mary” and “Michele and Marcus Bachmann”.

Exhibit 5:  “SINdarella is a SINNER!”

  Ima: The Tea Partiers really can’t stand Cinderella. She’s not satisfied with her position in life, she’s an obvious slut who flashes her wares to passing royalty, she makes friends with small creatures who don’t wear pants and practice magic, and she carelessly loses shoes that somebody else paid good money for. And she got her princely man without even being pregnant. The horror!

Exhibit 6: “Alis in Sinnerland!”

  Ima: Notice how “sinner” is the one word that all Tea Partiers can spell? I guess if you spend every day throwing that word at anybody who doesn’t share your moldy belief system, the letters are eventually going to stick with you. Anyway, Alice in Wonderland was written by an infamous drug addict, and all the TP’s pretend to be horribly offended by drugs, even though “drugs” can be the only explanation for the outfits they wear at rallies.

Exhibit 7: “Pigs R Pigs!”

  Ima: This would be The Three Little Pigs. Tea Partiers are offended by organized labor, which is obviously what it took for each of the pigs to have his own dwelling. And they are further affronted by the inappreciative pigs refusing to bow down to a big-ass wolf that is threatening to destroy everything that they own. The Tea Partiers bow down to rich-ass politicians that are planning to do the same thing, so why shouldn’t everybody else?

Exhibit 8: “Burn the Beenstock!”

  Ima: Okay, this one’s a little murky, but we’re talking about Jack and the Beanstalk. Lots of things going on here. Climbing the beanstalk represents progress, something the TP’s are totally against at all costs. They also don’t like the concept of things living in the clouds, even though, last time I checked, that was still one of the end goals of their fundamentalist religion.

  And the magic beans represent, well, magic. TP’s don’t like magic, that’s why they are so against the delightful Harry Potter books. But wait, didn’t Jesus turn water into wine and loaves into fishes, all that? I guess it’s only okay to do things if you aren’t wearing a hood in a castle with torches. Then again, many of the TP ancestors did do things while wearing a hood and carrying torches. Hmm. We may have to come back to this one.

Exhibit 9: “Billy Goats Ruff!”

  Ima: Um, you’ll have to trust me that we can skip this one. I believe it has something to do with a tawdry barnyard love affair that resulted in some surprising abrasions. I think this guy is at the wrong rally.

Exhibit 10: “Goldyloks Go Home”

  Ima: Okay, this would be Goldilocks and her exploratory mission into the home of the three bears, another strong woman that the Tea Partiers detest. She had the nerve to keep trying things out until she found things that were the most satisfying. This goes against everything a Tea Partier stands for. They don’t believe in change or variance, except when it comes to revising history to back up their ludicrous claims. It’s almost sad, but it’s mostly pathetic. Luckily, society always moves forward in the end, and the history books that the state of Texas have chopped up (let’s pretend that Thomas Jefferson didn’t exist!) will be revised once again to finally show that the Tea Party was one of the most unpatriotic things that ever happened in this country.

  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really need to go take a hot shower. Even without actual physical contact with these losers who have proven that hell is full and the dead are walking the Earth, I feel really, really dirty…

Peace in.

10 Strategies From The Republican Jacked-Up Playbook

1. Pray Away The Gay Today, Hey Hey

  This is one of the cornerstones of our cult. Any time you are in a situation where you need to misdirect guilt, blame the gays. Gays are responsible for everything that is wrong in our lives and this great corporate nation of ours. Point fingers and talk about Jesus casting them out of paradise. (Side note: Mixing Jesus and homophobia should be at the top of your Republican recipe list, up there with Fake Soldier-Support Soufflé and Anti-Abortion Antipasto.)

  If someone wants to know why you are trying to de-fund Medicare, explain that it’s the only way to stop same-sex couples from holding hands in a recovery room. If people question your slashing of school budgets, tell them it’s the only way to prevent classes on interior design and humanities, two breeding grounds for homosexuality. And if one of the two remaining reporters in the world who has not been bought off happens to spot you slipping out the back door of a gay nightclub wearing nothing but a studded-leather jockstrap and a satisfied smile, say you are doing “research” for Marcus Bachmann.

2. Taxes Are The Devil’s Work

  Under no circumstances should you ever appear to be supporting tax increases, at least for the super-rich and our citizen corporations. (Be sure to keep taxing the lower and middles classes, because somebody has to pay for all the crap we have, right?) And don’t be troubled by the stupid poor people who die because they can’t afford to pay their medical bills. (Fewer living poor people means less votes for the opposition and better parking spaces for our Humvees. Yay!)

  Remember, never back down from this stance, no matter what. This is the only idea we can ever get an entire room of Republicans to agree on, so it’s like our official motto and stuff. If we waffle on this, then people might question other things we do, and we sure as hell don’t want some of those rocks looked under. Got it?

3. Say Whatever You Want On Television

  We own the media, so we can take whatever dumb-ass thing you said and spin it into something else completely, preferably a rebuttal that blames Obama for something we did. So just relax and be the bigot we all know you are. Ain’t no shame in the hatred game, sayin.

4. Pay No Attention To History Books

  Thankfully, most people don’t read those nasty things, anyway. But if you run into someone who insists on quoting from that trash, be prepared to deny that whatever they are talking about actually happened. Things like the Holocaust, Emancipation and Separation of Church and State. Besides, a homosexual probably wrote those lies, and Jesus doesn’t want you to read such flighty filth. If all else fails, we can just revise the voting districts so that the common people have no actual say in what their insipid children learn. (Like they can even afford to go to college anymore. Puh-lease.)

5. Fundamentalism Is Fierce!

  In any situation where you need to inject religion into the discussion (which is every situation), always take the most extreme anti-progress position you can. As we all know, enlightened human thought is a critical threat to our mission statement. Stick with the basics: fire, brimstone, enslavement of the masses, and unimpeded power at any expense. It doesn’t matter if you actually believe what you are saying, the important thing is to say it and get the votes. The end justifies the desecration.

  Oh, but even if you don’t really buy all that biblical stuff, be sure to go to church at least twice a month and wave at the cameras as you go in. (See special section in the appendix concerning “How to protect yourself from spontaneous combustion in the House of the Lord”.)

6. Responsibility Is Highly Over-Rated

  With only a few possible exceptions (sorry about all that “ethics violation” mess back in the 90’s, Newt, we didn’t own as many newspapers back then, our bad), you will probably not be held accountable for your actions. Do whatever you need to do to further our agenda, even if you don’t understand the agenda or you break several laws in the process.

  There is only the tiniest risk that you might be arrested, and that risk is far outweighed by the healthy balance on your bank account statements. Besides, if people start nosing around, look for the nearest Democrat, lesbian, or welfare recipient and blame them, even if they were out of the country or not even born when you screwed people over. We’ll take it from there.

7. Pander, Pander, Pander

  Read the polls. Immediately change your speeches to agree with those poll findings, even if they are the complete opposite of your past, documented standing. (Unless the poll says rich Republicans are getting away with robbery. We will shoot you if you agree with that. Dick Cheney is on standby.) Swear that you will never change your new position. Then immediately change it if the next poll has a different outcome.

8. Equality Is Evil

  We were not all created equally. That’s just some communist crap that Thomas Jefferson came up with before we deleted him from history, at least in the Texas schoolbooks. Men are better than women. (With a hall pass given to Michele and Sarah, who have managed to bring in a contingent of horny male voters who inexplicably find them attractive.) Men have the full right to govern a woman’s body in whatever way they see fit. It says this in The Bible and in Playboy, and that’s all we need to know.

  Side note to the females we sleep with when our wives are off having plastic surgery: Don’t get bitchy. For clarification, see the articles in the appendix entitled “Testosterone Is God’s Natural Selection” and “Balls Are Da Bomb, Even If They Be Tiny”. And don’t forget that we can take away that 19th Amendment just as easily as we took away the rights of most Americans with that Patriot Act thing we shoved through when everybody was busy mourning and not paying attention.

9. Special Section On The Rick Perry Thing

  Let’s just say that some part of George Bush Two understood that he had some manner of misfiring in his noggin, and mostly chose to allow others to speak and do for him. But Rick? Well, he actually feels that the “Book of Rick” was somehow left out of the Bible, and that he is indeed the Messiah of the Morons. And we’ll let him have that title, because he does get brownie points for the sheer arrogance he displays, and us Republicans sure do love to love ourselves.

  Still, we’re not really happy with him right now, because you can’t fix stupid. But if he does manage to get our nomination (hey, Newt could get caught with another hooker at any moment), you still need to vote for him. Because we would much rather see our country destroyed than have a Democrat in the White House for a second term. (See article in appendix: “Don’t Let a Democrat Win Again Or Homosexuals and Vegans and Actual Patriots and Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren and People Who Are Just Decent and Fair-Minded Will Get This Country Back On Track Again and We Will Actually Have to Pay Our Fair Share of Taxes and Do The Right Thing.”)

10. “The Stepford Wives” Movie

  Why didn’t we include this concept in the Patriot Act? WHY? Send memo to Karl Rove demanding explanation. Arrange for extra bailout checks to national banks so that one of them can fund research into automated dummies to replace common citizens. Lie to reporters that we are doing this. Cross fingers that we once again get away with a total crapfest of wrongdoing, hypocrisy, white supremacy, blatant disregard for those not born with a trust fund shoved up their ass, and inability to understand that just because I said it, it doesn’t make it true.


Hold up, folks, our broadcast is being interrupted by a message from Occupy Bonnywood Manor, as they briefly take control of our airwaves before being arrested by Koch-Murdock Security:

  “Now is the time for all good men and women and however you identify to come to the aid of their country. One human, one vote. Live it. Be it. Refreshments are now being served in the non-denominational atrium. The cheese puffs are especially tasty. End trans…”

  Peace, y’all.

A Field Guide For Identifying and Classifying Republicans in Their Native Habitat

Thank you for selecting Lefty Blue’s Animal Tours as an entertainment destination. We are quite certain that you will enjoy your time with us as we explore the darkest corners of uncivilized society. For today’s adventure, we will be visiting both the Soulless Bushlands and the Lower Regions of Moralitavia. Hope you brought your camera!

However, before we climb into the eco-friendly bus that absolutely terrifies the Republicans, there are a few legal matters which we must address. It’s a bit boring and dreary, I’m afraid, but our lawyers make us do this after that horrible incident last month in Texas when a tourist stupidly dangled a microphone in front of a Feathered Perry and it went on a rampage of mendacity and disillusion.

As many wildlife experts will confirm, in order to survive encounters with the Republican species, it is critical that you fully understand the mating habits, hunting patterns and general mental instability of creatures without a moral compass. Once you can identify the following distinctive traits of a Republican, and learn how to react accordingly, your journey with us will be a safe, harmonious, and progressive experience.

1. Republicans have limited olfactory senses.

For example, they cannot detect the aromas of truth, honesty and documented facts. They will wander right past the trees of knowledge and not even realize they are in a forest.

Recommended reaction: Do not try to lure and catch Republicans using truth as bait. They won’t know what it is or what to do with it.

2. Republicans exhibit a great talent for mimicry.

Like other brightly-colored birds that do little more than make a lot of noise and leave droppings, Republicans will endlessly repeat the words and phrases taught to them by other Republicans. Additionally, they all tend to groom themselves in the same manner, wear the same expensive but boring clothing, and watch the same faux news programs.

Recommended reaction: You only need to talk to one Republican, one time, and you will know everything that they all think they know.

3. Republicans have a natural predatory instinct for other people’s money.

Republicans become greatly agitated when other species obtain money via legitimate endeavors such as gainful employment or the distribution of social welfare allotments. Once provoked and enraged by the mystifyingly offensive sight of people being rewarded for good behavior, the Republican will endlessly strive to divert the revenue streams of others into their own fouled nest.

Recommended reaction: Never allow a Republican to come within 500 feet of your piggy bank, retirement account, or branch of Congress.

4. Republicans have an inherent flight instinct when it comes to socialism.

Despite not really understanding what it is or how it works, a Republican will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid anything which they have identified as socialist. However, recent anthropological studies have shown that Republicans are just fine with socialism as long as they are the intended recipient of goods and services and not anyone else. Therefore, a better definition of socialism from the Republican perspective is “anything that wasn’t my idea or doesn’t make me money”.

Recommended reaction: If you come across an agitated, socially-confused Republican on a stretch of jungle path, turn and go another way. You certainly don’t want to go anywhere they’ve just come from, as anything of value in that direction has already been stolen or defiled.

5. Republicans have an interesting manner of breeding.

Republicans are almost rabidly interested in the fertilized egg of females that are not their own, going to great lengths to sustain the embryo and give it voting rights in Presidential elections, even if the affected female has other plans. However, once the child is actually born, a Republican wants nothing to do with the nourishment, education and cultural-enhancement of the little tyke, leaving it to make its own way in a world it did not create.

Recommended reaction: Ensure that wiser people are appointed to tribal council so that the Republican can only speak for his own body.

6. Republicans have a curious mythology as the basis of their religion.

Scientists have reported that, although the Republican religion shares certain key phrases with some other faith-based practices found in the animal kingdom, such as “Bible” and “Jesus” and “tax exempt”, these phrases have a completely different connotation in the Republican ideology, often contradicting absolutely with the precepts of other religions. In fact, the most recent study found that the seal on their Bibles had not even been broken, thus indicating that the tomes are used merely as pageantry props and not as educational materials.

Recommended reaction: Isolate and quarantine the affected Republicans until a proper vaccine has been developed and authorized. This may take some time, especially since we don’t know where the hell those people got their ideas.

7. Republicans often have split personalities.

This results in Republicans who pass anti-gay legislation and then head to the leather bars wearing nothing but chaps and a lecherous grin, Republicans who rail about the sanctity of marriage and then fornicate with anything that moves, and Republicans who get rapturous about the need for a strong military but won’t spend a penny to make sure the enlisted men and women are comfortable and protected while deployed or able to make a living when they come back home.

Recommended reaction: As mentioned, don’t allow Republicans to run for tribal council. Instead, have them perform on Broadway. They’re very good at make-believe and singing pretty songs that don’t really mean anything.

8. Republicans suffer from the most acute instances of memory loss ever observed in any species on the planet.

This topic-specific mental degeneration strangely seems to cycle along with presidential elections, with Republicans accusing non-Republicans of performing acts that past Republicans have also done, blaming non-Republicans for something they didn’t do but that Republicans are responsible for, and completely forgetting that we live in an age of video cameras capturing Republicans saying something they claim they never said.

Recommended reaction: If a Republican is speaking, change the channel. He’ll deny whatever he’s saying in a few days anyway, so why bother listening.

9. Republicans have a very strong drive to get at the top of the pecking order.

They will do anything to win. Anything. Even if it means millions of people lose their jobs, millions can’t get a decent education, and millions suffer from legislated poverty. This is why the other animals run away when the Republicans come to drink at the watering hole on the game preserve. Who wants to share anything that’s been tongued by that?

Recommended reaction: Don’t vote for them. Ever.

10. Republicans are on the Endangered Species List.

The glory of it all is that society always, eventually, moves forward. The Republicans have degenerated into a writhing, biting, swamp of inhumanity that has no morals and serves no purpose other than the growth and retention of obscene, ill-got wealth. Natural selection, the will of the common people, and human decency will prevail at some point, the cancer will eat itself, and history will look back at this current time as a moment when certain people coalesced into a monster of greed that was finally slain, forced back into the primordial ooze that Republicans swear never even existed.

Recommended reaction: Smile. It will happen. Stay strong.


Peace.

Sagacity Redux #2

Psssst. Come over here with me for a second. I want to ask you about something.

It’s okay, I won’t tell anybody that we’re talking. Dad’s the word. But I had to visit with somebody about this, and you’re wearing a really cute blouse, so I thought, what the hell, engage a fashion-conscious stranger and let’s see where it goes. Worse things have happened.

Anyway, possibly new best friend with your attention-getting couture, I did something in the last few months that is new for me. You see, I do this blog thing, where I typically write posts about this and that, posts that are often very long and involve detailed plotting. In fact, some of these posts turn into multi-part ramblings, stretching into eternity and resulting in thousands of words about something as simple as a random entry on a restaurant menu concerning shellfish.

I have issues with dragging things out a bit. Duly noted.

But some important people in my life have recently suggested that I should tone down that epic aspect, and instead head toward a less-intense place where I get to the point, maybe throw in a joke or two, and then seal everything up with a slightly-bitter kiss. Based on my abysmal blog stats lately, I was forced to acknowledge that this might be sage advice.

Directness, joke, sign off. Got it.

So I tried this with a recent post, entitled “Sagacity Redux #1” (notice the theme?), wherein I got right to the point and spilled personal details. This was a bit startling for some of the core group of followers who happily read everything I send forth (and I love them for doing so), but, more importantly, it generated some reactions that I’m not quite used to receiving whenever I click “post”.

Firstly, there was confusion over that blog title. Sagacity Redux. What the hell is that? Well, it was a (possibly weak) attempt on my part to coin a catchphrase. Actually, that’s a bit bold, I wasn’t meaning to do something so illustrious. I just wanted to capture a new focus in my blog life, a definite decision to give color and texture to a recent choice to actually stop caring about whether or not people are offended by my blog posts.

“Sagacity Redux“, in short, and despite what linguists and English-language scholars and other insufferably dreary anal-obsessive people might think, is my way of announcing a “return to clarity”. That’s what I want it to mean, and that’s what it’s going to mean. I’m hacking my way out of the dense forest of political-correctness and back into the open field of unadorned, unsweetened, simple truth. At least as I see it.

Secondly, and I’m tipping my hat to my dedicated blog enthusiasts (did I mention that I love you?) once again, there was an outcry that my long-form stories would cease. This is hardly the case. I shall not fail in my epic-centricity. (Yes, I’m making up another phrase. Once you let the cat out…)

I promise whole-heartedly to continue turning a minor, two-second incident involving lip gloss into a twenty-part post-fest that will ramble on for three months. Thus I swear.

But there is a twist now. Mixed in with these extended travelogues and episodic character arcs where we watch beloved story-people transition over time into something we would never have imaged 12 posts ago, we will have the succinct, direct invectives that have rattled around in my brain yet have been ignored in deference to keeping everyone happy.

That is no longer the case. Forthwith, no limits.

Because really, haven’t the decent people played nice for way too long?

So here’s a little taste:

The rabid foaming-at-the-mouth coming from the Far Right, with their inane desire to totally destroy this country just to prove a pointless point based on a crazed conceptualization (wait, was that word too big for you?) of what a society should be, is something that should be stopped at all costs. What happened in your childhood that completely sucked the humanity out of your disillusioned, vindictive, history-defying, racist shell of a soul?

And stop pointing at bibles and higher powers and expense accounts from the Koch brothers to justify your actions. This is on YOU. You have completely missed the boat on this, adrift in a sea of your own making, waters populated by subhuman primates who grunt and clap at the destruction and death of people they don’t like, a wailing, cancerous congregation of desecration, bowing low at the altar of ignorance.

(My apologies to the peaceful gorillas and orangutans of the world. No offense intended, that “primate” business just spilled out in the passion of the moment. Love that outfit you‘re wearing, really do.)

Okay, then. Said and done. Quite cleansing, actually. I’m sure that some of my blog followers will hit the delete button and scurry for the hills. Fine by me. I’ve moved beyond the minefield of playing nice and trying to make everyone happy. And I’ve arrived at the intersection of Do The Right Thing and Get Off My Planet If You Don’t Have A Soul.

Stay tuned. And thank you for sticking with me this far. Peace….

Michelle Bachmann Interprets The Bill Of Rights (With Assistance From Jesus)

Note: Michelle was recently asked to speak about the original amendments to the Constitution during a meeting of the Daughters of White People convention. Why this invitation was extended, we may never know, but we were able to find Michelle’s rumpled and stained speech notes in a discarded box of Reversion Therapy pamphlets. Let’s peruse, shall we?

I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Holy cow! This really IS in there. Right at the top of the page. Well, I can’t let this get out. Um… okay, I’ll make a joke about Obama, something about his ears, then I’ll say what it really means is “God formed this country because he was mad at people not listening to him and we need to put Church before Congress!” (I always have fun saying things like that, even if I don’t really know what it means.)

I’m not going to worry about the “peaceably to assemble” and “redress of grievances” part. My people don’t understand big words, they won’t care. And we’ll have Fox News say that Obama put that part in with his stimulus package.

II. A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Oh, this is the one that Sarah keeps babbling about. Good, she was right, we can shoot people whenever we want and nobody can stop us. Not sure why they’re talking about “bears” though, I’ll have to ask Sarah, she’s the one that hunts so she can get more votes. And the “fringe” stuff? Like on a dress? Maybe Marcus knows, he likes pretty clothes.

And what’s a “militia”? Is that one of the Obama kids?

III. No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

What is THIS? No idea. Um, let’s change it to say that Social Security should not be quartered in the House of Representatives, and that means we have to get rid of it. Does that make sense? I think so, but check with John B., he knows about people being in a House when they shouldn’t be.

IV. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Wait, I thought the Patriot Act got rid of all this crap. No wonder those ungodly liberals whine so much. Note to self: Check with George II to see why he didn’t have this changed like he was told to do. But make sure Marcus is still protected, can’t run a primary with a trial going on. Also check for Bible passages about The Lord owning your body, soul and real estate, and how you are his special proxy on Earth.

V. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or the militia, when in actual-

This one’s too damn long. (Whoops, sorry Jesus.) And they threw me off with that Obama kid again. Wait, further down, there’s the part where you don’t have to be a witness at your own trial. The Lord is good, yes He is, He protects his proxies and stuff. Check with Legal: Can you even put a Messenger of God ON trial? I wouldn’t think so. So I’m going to say you can’t, that God’s law trumps all. (I am SO good at this!)

VI. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Oh, hell no, ALL of this has got to go. This makes it sound like you have to have facts and stuff, and that’s no way to run a campaign or a government, facts just get in the way of the message. And witnesses? You get RID of witnesses, you don’t want them talking to nobody. Check with Legal: If I only say something on TV and not in a courtroom, I’m not liable, right? Oh, screw it, Jesus loves me, this I know. And it’s not like our people care about the laws.

VII. In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury-

I don’t even have the time for this one and I don’t care. I’ll skip it and make another joke, something smarmy about that satanic Rachel Maddow and her stupid percentages and polls. My people can’t count past three. Be sure to mention the lesbian bit. That always gets a redneck to put down his beer and pick up a misspelled picket sign that supports my platform, him and his three teeth screaming on the TV. (Sorry again, Jesus, for speaking of a neighbor in an unchaste way, but you have chosen me to lead them, and sometimes it’s a little bit hard. Blessed be.)

VIII. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Hmm. Not sure about this one. Sounds good, because sometimes our Christian Army is temporarily felled by lawsuits from the Unbelievers, and we need to get them out of the jails as soon as we can, back to praying and not watching anything but Fox News. Don’t really care, though. Check to see what Rick P. thinks about this one, and then support the other side. (I have better hair than he does and I deserve to win. Texas already had a good long run at taking over this country, now it’s my turn.)

IX. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

No idea. But I like how that first part sounds, and I can turn it into a speech. “The enumeration in the Constitution guarantees that anything I vote for is right!” Or something like that. Don’t really care for the bit about not getting to deny people things. That’s just not my nature. Find another Bible passage to negate that, something Old Testament.

X. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Oh, this is the one that Rick P. likes. Not sure if he’s read the whole thing, though, especially the part at the end about “or to the people”. That sounds like they can go against what the governor wants. Well, at least the number of rednecks in Texas outnumber the people who actually think, so he’ll probably keep winning. Lucky bastard.

Sorry again, Jesus, for the cursing. It’s just that a woman has needs, and it’s been a very long time. A little tense, here. But I’ll get through it, I know you want me to, even though you stopped returning my phone calls and I only hear from you when the meds are kicking in. Love and kisses, Michelle.

“True Blood” Casting Changes for the Upcoming Presidential Election Year

It’s true! Well, not really, but still. Let’s meet our new cast, who they will be playing and why they are qualified, and (this is True Blood, after all) whether or not we can expect to see them running naked and free through the lusty swamps of Bon Temps.

1. Sarah Palin as “Sookie Stackhouse”.

Qualifications: Excessive absenteeism at work, constantly demands attention and extensive wardrobes, has family members that made poor decisions in sexual relationships. Past TV Show: Sarah’s Alaskan Crapfest. Nudity expectations: Doesn’t own actual body, must speak with husband first, then Jesus.

2. Jon Stewart as “Bill Compton”.

Qualifications: Already has experience at doing things better than people and entire networks who are supposed to be doing the job, like reporting the news, so he should have no problem being the nocturnal King of Louisiana and trying to control a bunch of unruly vampires, just like Jon does every time he appears on Fox News. Past TV Show: A tiny little cult hit on Comedy Central. Nudity expectations: Only if Stephen does it, too.

3. Rick Perry as “Russell Edgington”.

Qualifications: Kept doing the wrong thing until he alienated the living (things like killing them on air and stuff), adheres to questionable moral code that no one understands or has ever seen, sure would love to have himself a plantation from back in the day when you could legally whip somebody for not making money for you fast enough. And then sell them. Past TV Show: Walker, Texas Deranger. Nudity expectations: Rumors abound on which side of bed he prefers, clarification meetings scheduled before final draft of scripts.

4. Mitt Romney as “Sam Merlotte”.

Qualifications: Apparently went to same shape-shifting academy as the Sam and Tommy brethren but did more homework, resulting in skilled wind-riding capabilities that carried him into the land of Fox News, just like Dorothy but with a different set of flying monkeys. Past TV Show: Played both Darrins on Bewitched. Nudity expectations: He’s Mormon. Hundreds of women have already seen him naked, no big deal.

5. Ralph Nader as “Tara Thornton”.

Qualifications: Started out as a really likeable character who provided wit and keen insight into issues, later devolved into goal-questionable persona with annoying ability to muck things up by supporting peripheral causes that affect voting outcomes in a not-good way. Tendency to be confrontational rather than olive-branch-offering, and possible lesbian. Past TV Show: Why Won’t People Listen To Me? Nudity Expectations: Consumer safety reports advise against operating this vehicle.

6. Rush Limbaugh as “Andy Bellefleur”.

Qualifications: Drug use, denial, and delusions. Past TV Show: Any episode of Lost, particularly an episode where you have no idea what’s going on (which would be all of them). Nudity expectations: None. By court order.

7. Hillary Clinton as “Pam De Beaufort”.

Qualifications: Amazing ability to stand by her man despite unfortunate choices involving interns, cigars, and national policy. Not afraid to deal with both stripper poles in trendy nightclubs and Gallup polls that require an adjustment in public speeches. Past TV Shows: Little Rock Junction and I Should Have Known Something Was Up When I Saw That Stupid Beret. Nudity expectations: I’ll have my people work with your people. But that’s a lovely blouse you’re wearing. Let’s do lunch.

8. Anthony Weiner as “Jason Stackhouse”.

Qualifications: Just had to go there. And it seems that the equipment is in order. Past TV Show: Meat the Press. Nudity expectations: Already met.

9. Rachel Maddow as Alan Ball, creator and producer.

Qualifications: Innate ability to distinguish fact from fiction, synopsize and present material without patronizing, and put belligerent people in their places. All of which will come in handy when the stars of the show get bitchy about who has the better trailer, entourage, or number of pointless sex scenes. Previous TV Show: Rachel Maddow Has the Answers and You Don’t. Nudity expectations: Currently evaluating all reliable sources before responding prematurely, but not afraid to show what needs to be seen.

10. Wolf Blitzer as “Alcide Herveaux”.

Qualifications: Just the wolf connection, not much else. But on this show, that’s enough. Past TV Show: Some mess where he stares at a map and spits out numbers and predicts things that have to do with primary colors. Nudity expectations: Exit polls indicate this is a non-galvanizing issue.

11. Michelle Bachmann as extra vampire in crowd scenes.

Qualifications: She’s already undead and doesn’t do anything really important, should work out fine whenever we need non-credited actors who can be killed off without affecting the story line in any way. Past TV Show: Anywhere there’s a camera and a microphone. Nudity expectations: Her husband hasn’t even seen the goods, so why should we?

12. Arnold Schwarzenegger as “Lafayette Reynolds”.

Qualifications: Because every actor needs a good challenge every now and then. Or even for the first time. And who doesn’t want to see a Republican finally meet Jesus? Previous TV Show: Let’s Make A Deal About Changing The Constitution So I Can Be President. Nudity expectations: Just check the Internet. Done.


Start sending your fan mail now! Of course, some of them can’t read, but don’t let that stop you. It certainly hasn’t stopped them.

25 More Mostly Pointless But Snappy Comebacks When Debating A Crazed Right-Winger

1. “Do you have to unhinge your jaw to swallow all that crap on Fox News?”

2. “I’m assuming you have people on your staff who can tie your shoes for you, right?”

3. “So, when you were little, was the monster in your closet bi-racial and able to speak complete sentences?”

4. “Did your family get a group rate on those lobotomies?”

5. “I’d call you a liar, but that’s a compliment with your people.”

6. “The woman should be submissive to her husband? So he’s the one telling you to be a total bitch?”

7. “Well, would you look at that. If I tap my shoe three times, half of the Republican men in here drop to their knees and stick their tongue out.”

8. “Is it hard finding shoes that you can get your cloven hooves into?”

9. “Of course you don’t like Welfare. It’s the one thing your money can’t buy.”

10. “Just curious. How do you keep from bursting into flames when you walk into a church? Is it the formaldehyde?”

11. “I’d ask you to point that country out on a globe, but I realize you still think the world is flat, and that’s just unfair of me.”

12. “I’m assuming you don’t shop at Benetton.”

13. “You’re having a prayer vigil for the economy? Isn’t that like asking Rick Perry to care about public education?”

14. “Yes, I see why you don’t like Rachel Maddow. That brazen hussy just insists on finding the facts, doesn’t she? So rude of her. Now, that Rush Limbaugh, he doesn’t give a hoot about truth. Have you slept with him yet? Because I’m sure he really turns you on. And he has prescription pills you can both take to help you forget what actually happened. And I believe that forgetting is the firmest plank in your party, yes?”

15. “You understand about as much of American history as I understand your willful decision to be an idiot.”

16. “So, does your hatred of Social Security stem from the fact that it’s kept too many liberal voters alive and well?”

17. “What part of ‘there was a surplus when Clinton left office’ do you not understand?”

18. “Are you still able to use those sheets after you’ve cut eyeholes in the hood? Because it would suck having to buy fresh linen every night. I feel your pain.”

19. “You want to reclaim America? From whom? The Americans?”

20. “Michelle Bachmann thinks the Italian Renaissance, especially Leonardo and Michelangelo (Gay artist alert. OMG!), is responsible for the downfall of America. Really? So, along that line of thinking, Marcus is responsible for the downfall of Michelle’s sanity. Because surely Michelle couldn’t have gone off the deep end without the assistance of an artistic homosexual, right? That’s got to be in the Bible somewhere.”

21. “Speaking of the Bible, I know that you haven’t read the entire thing, or you would have noticed the part about ‘do unto others’. So let me shorthand it for you. Goes around, comes around. You too, shall pass.”

22. “Sarah has visions of Russia from her house, Mitt upholds a religion whose founder had visions of thousands of wives, John McCain has visions that alternately lead him from far-right to middlin and back again, Herman Cain has visions of being elected leader of a party that hates black people despite their desperate inclusion of them just to get votes, and Newt Gingrich has visions that he still matters in any way. With all these visions, who needs TV?”

23. “Global warming doesn’t exist? Obviously there’s been a major climate change because you have been spawned in some manner. That wouldn’t have happened in a non-chemically-altered environment.”

24. “You want to completely eliminate taxes and still expect the government to function? Good luck with that.”

25. “Did you really think we wouldn’t notice that you’re an asshole?”


End Trans.

Granny Mae Saves the World, Part I: That Damn Budget Mess

Note: Some of my long-time blog buddies may recall the peripheral character of Granny Mae Dean, the ancient-but-wise proprietor of Granny Mae’s Bait Shack and Trailer Park, who would pop up from time to time, holler out something sweet and spicy, then wander back to wherever she come from. Well, turns out Granny Mae done got herself elected mayor of Gravy Bucket, Oklahoma, and we join her just as she’s about to deliver her first annual State of the Trailer Park Address…


Hey, y’all!

Oh, shoot. I done messed up already. My speakin’ coach keeps harpin’ about not sayin’ y’all all the time, says it makes me sound country and backwoods, but I just can’t help it, said it all my life and all. And it ain’t like ya don’t know what I mean by the word, like everybody’s standin’ around and scratchin’ their ass and wonderin’ who the hell I’m talkin’ about. You know I’m talkin’ about you. Unless you’re simple. And if that be the case, you got other things to worry about other than who I’m talkin’ to.

But I suppose I need to clean it up a little, get all fancy with my speakin’, in case that fool governor ever makes his way to town like he promised, sendin’ a telegram to the Miss Gravy Bucket Festival and sayin’ he couldn’t wait to see us soon’s he could. I reckon he’s more interested in seein’ our tax money than our actual faces, but you gotta play nice and do what you have to do.

Speakin’ of, that’s one of the things I wanted to talk to you fine folks about. People playin’ nice, or not playin’ nice when they should be. I’m talkin’ about them dumb-asses up to Washington and what they’re doin’ with our national money. Is that some jack-up or what? I haven’t seen that kinda mess since the Barfield clan kept marryin’ the wrong cousins until they lost the farm and some of ‘em went to jail. All ‘cause of stupidity and not paying attention.

Now, I know that we got mixed thinkin’ about it right here in Gravy Boat as well. Some a you don’t want no more spendin’ and some of you think we should find more money where we can. And you feel rightly strongly about your thinkin’. And that’s fine. Up to a point. Things get outta hand after that. That’s why I had to send all you budget committee people home last night when some of you started actin’ a fool, sayin’ you ain’t gonna vote for nuthin’ unless it was somethin’ you wrote. Three-year-olds do that, not city council members.

We got to get serious and finish our budget soon. We don’t have a lot of time for anybody to be puttin’ themselves first and cryin’ like a baby if anybody calls ‘em on it and runnin’ to tell crap to the TV people that ain’t true or has nuthin’ to do with anything. If we don’t make some decisions, them folks over to Thomasville are gonna sweep in and take our town ‘cause of the money we owe them. They’re gonna incorporate us. Know what that means?

[General stirring in audience, with some folks over-excited about participating in the discussion and others snorting awake at all the commotion.]

No, Sammy Bob, thank you for yellin’ out an answer, but it ain’t got nuthin’ to do with sex and pigs. Why you always gotta go there? I know your momma raised you better than that. You need to stay off that Internet thing.

Why, yes, Emily Sue, that’s right. It means they will dissolve our local government and assume control of all town properties. You are such a smart little girl. And such a pretty dress. Make that yourself, did ya? You got a steady hand, you do. Your momma will be so proud of you when she gets out of prison.

Now, those of you that are starin’ at Emily like she’s holdin’ a snake at Sunday service, let me spell it out for you in a way that’s closer to your heart. If we don’t pay our bills, we’re going to lose everything, including our own high school, and our own football team, which means no more Friday nights where we go over to Thomasville and kick their city butts down their fancy field.

[The crowd erupts in panic, with two women fainting, three grown-men crying, and heads turning to the skies in prayer, pleading for celestial assistance in stopping such a horrid athletic disruption.]

Now, now, get back in your seats, we ain’t dead yet. (Lila Belle, could you run check on Annie Sue and Susie Anne? They done passed out right on top of that power cord and the last thing we need is for their bloomers to go up in flames.) But at least I got your attention, so we can start making some decisions. And we basically got three choices. Cut spending, raise taxes, or some mess of both.

[The crowd was instantly on their feet again, with part of them running to the right side of the room, part of them running to the left, and the reminder sitting atop a fence that someone had conveniently left in the middle aisle.]

For Gawd’s sake, people, is that the only way you know how to act? Get your asses back in your seats and let’s talk bout this like grown-ups. And quit lookin’ around for TV cameras and practicin’ the speeches somebody else wrote up for ya. I am not in the mood for any of that. I’ve had the sheriff stop all TV people at the town limit, even those Fox News people who will lie about anything just to get their ratings up, and that Rachel Maddow woman, who scares me because she’s too smart.

We are going to sit here, and you’re going to listen to me talk for a spell, and then you can talk, if you want, and we’re all going to make up our own minds about things, and then we’ll decide what to do. Nobody’s filler-busting and nobody’s refusing and nobody’s attaching anything to anything. We are going to work things out. You might have all the time in the world. But I don’t.

See, I been around forever. A very long time. There ain’t nothin’ I ain’t heard of, and I’ve probably done whatever it is at least once. Twice if it felt good or I got a prize. I’ve seen it all, and it comes down to this: how people treat one another determines everything. You gotta have respect for a person, whether you like them or their beliefs or their hairdo or not. Every person comes with a different story. Your story ain’t the only one in the book.

Let’s start with them there taxes. Don’t nobody like ‘em or want to pay ‘em. That’s natural, wantin’ to keep your own money. But let me ask you this. How the hell do you think things get paid for? That city swimming’ pool? You think it just walked up in the middle of the night, dug a hole, and then shoved its butt in the ground? ‘Course not. We had to buy it. Same with roads and schools and jails and water mains and police and firehouses and the town drunk tank. Everything costs money. Everything.

Including welfare, and this is where we lose a lot of folks with the budget. They don’t wanna give handouts. They get mad about people sittin’ around and doin’ nuthin’ and gettin’ a government check. Well, I’d have a problem if that’s all it was, free money for lazybones. But it ain’t, and if you don’t realize that, you’re missin’ a few cards from your deck, just shootin’ straight.

I dare any of you to look me in the eye and say there ain’t nobody in your family that hasn’t hit a rough spot. We all have our troubles with money, now and again, unless you come from a long string of family money and never had to work a day in your life. And if you ain’t never worked, at a real job, you shouldn’t be makin’ decisions about people who do. That mess about jury of your peers and all. Welfare is a good thing. The bad part comes when people are decidin’ what to give out and what not.

Which brings us round to the spendin’. We need to do that the right way, too, don’t need to throw money at anybody that sticks his hand out no matter how sorry you might feel. A budget is about being smart, bein’ cost-effective, as Emily Sue and her cute little dress might say. It’s not about preachin’ and takin’ choices away from people just because you don’t like their choices or who they vote for or who might be on the other end of their prayer telephone.

So, let’s get to work, everybody come sit down so we can figure things out. Just to get us the mood, I’ve done wrote up some rules for us to follow so we don’t get all mad and have to shun each other at the barn dance come Saturday. Here we go:

1. If you don’t understand how to compromise, you done took the wrong job.

2. You don’t get to change your clothes once you win the election. You wear the same get-up until the end of the job, because that’s the outfit people voted for. If it doesn’t fit right, you shouldn’t have put it on.

3. Just because somethin’ ain’t special to you, it don’t make it any less important. Every thing you touch affects someone.

4. Don’t try bringin’ the Jesus message into everything. He’s got his own people working on that.

5. This ain’t Simon Says. Make up your own mind.

6. Doin’ somethin’ because you’re a sore loser just makes you more of a loser.

7. Bein’ on the TV don’t make a lie into the truth. And they say it adds ten pounds. Which makes it a bigger lie.

8. People ain’t as stupid as you’d like them to be. Mostly.


[Granny Mae folded her paper and set it aside]

Okay, y’all, are you ready to get down to business? Well, good. Lila Belle, could you run get those cold drinks we got over to the Piggly-Wiggly? Thanks, hon. Now, where were we?


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Denigration of Decency

Note: This post is not crammed with statistics and detailed analysis. Other people are much better at that sort of thing. This is just my gut reaction to another round of partisan hypocrisy, thoughts that others have probably shared far more eloquently…

Just finished watching the President’s speech and the opposing response. It’s that second bit that had me running for my laptop, disgusted. I typically don’t create strongly-political posts, just some pointed jabbing from time to time. My blog is usually about finding the humor in things, aiming for laughs and a temporary break from the world. Today, it’s not.

Let’s get right to the point, shall we?

John Boehner is an atrociously arrogant little man who should have no place in American politics, or hold any type of position where his delusional mind is allowed to make decisions that affect any other human being on the planet. It doesn’t matter that he is just spewing forth what some Karl Rove-wannabe has fed to him. He’s chosen to say the words, knowing full well that his lies are damaging to this country, yet he does so with an annoying bravado that is mind-boggling.

It doesn’t matter that he is the elected representative for his constituents. It doesn’t matter that he was selected Speaker of the House (it pains me to even give that phrase capitalization in this context, but I do so out of honor to the position, not the man who currently holds it). He got to this point based on deception and a willingness to sacrifice all morals (assuming he ever had any, I‘m just being polite) with one sole purpose in mind: Prevent Obama from being re-elected.

Really, John? (And Eric and Mitch.) That’s your game plan? What about the needs of our country? The one that you are supposed to represent? There’s no clause in your oath of office that says “I get to screw people over if things don’t go my way!” (Well, there isn’t a clause right now, but let’s not forget that the right-leaning Supreme Court has apparently been watching too much Rupert Fox Murdoch “News” lately.)

Republicans are such incredibly sore losers, it’s almost beyond comprehension. They spent how many years of the Clinton Administration focused on the fact that Bill used his penis in an unfortunate manner? Who cares! That penis didn’t do anything that affected my ability to make a living or pursue the opportunities available to me.

And, oh yeah, the Republicans then took steps to jack with the voting results to make sure that George Shrub would win two terms even though he didn’t actually get the popular vote. Steps to make sure that someone with an actual penis didn’t get elected, just some castrated Stepford Husband who could utter scripted catchphrases like “Mission Accomplished!” at the appropriate staged and televised moment.

(Side note to the female-identifying folks, I’m not trying to imply at all that the possession or non-possession of a penis is particularly important. It was just fun to run with that analogy. At the end of the day, I want someone who can get things done, possible appendages are irrelevant.)

Which brings us full circle to tonight, when President (not pained at all typing that title) Obama addressed the nation. (You know, the nation that is being deeply affected by the political games of the equivalent of conscience-devoid, school-yard bullies who don’t understand right and wrong. Or truth.) Obama was just fine with his speech, conciliatory at first but then bringing it home with describing the voters (do you remember those people, Boehner?) as being sick of the “three-ring circus” in our nation’s capital.

It is a circus. And I’ll fairly admit that part of the surrealistic carnival is the fact that the Democrats, my people, still haven’t fully thrown off their restrictive costumes where they try to play nice despite the fallacies and violent greed from their counterparts. This, for me, is the troublesome Achilles’ heel in our party. Stop playing nice for once. Get down to the basics, point your finger strongly at the Republicans, and kick some ass. “YOU are the reason that this country is suffering.” SAY IT!

But this didn’t happen tonight, not quite. Obama was strong, yes, but I was hoping for the final push, that indictment of what is really going on. At the same time, I understand the fine line that our leader has to walk. He represents all of us, I get it. Do your best to make everyone happy. But really, what is there to lose when you consider Boehner’s rebuttal?

Cry-Baby Fake-Tan comes out there and immediately heads into delusional territory, accepting no blame and distorting every fact that his greasy hands can clutch. (I’m sure that Rupert Murdoch clinked glasses with the Koch Brothers in celebration, and somebody ordered pizza from an all-white, upper-crust, trust-fund delivery service. And another tax credit was included in the pizza box.)

There was no olive branch, no indication that he would budge an inch on any of the Elitist directives that he had been given, and a constant repetition that Obama was to blame for everything from scoliosis to global warming. (Even though his party refuses to believe that anything has been warmed.)

Really? Really? Our country is on the precipice of fiscal disaster and you’re refusing to do anything unless it’s what you want, even though the demands you seek will do nothing but further enhance the prosperity of the already super-rich, and shove the middle and lower classes into even deeper despair, a place they don’t deserve at all because they are the backbone of this country, the actual foundation of your tax-immune wealth.

I won’t even get into the facts and figures, because the Republicans aren’t interested in numbers unless they can be spun. If they can’t manipulate the truth, they ignore it completely. One of the mantras they keep repeating to themselves (they change daily) is that if it was okay for Bush to do it, it’s completely NOT okay for Obama to do the same exact thing.

Okay, I will get specific with one fact. The polls have been showing for some time that the majority of ALL Americans believe that making the rich pay their full share of taxes is just fine and dandy. Which means the Republican leaders are ignoring some of their own constituents in their zealous quest to unseat the President, country be damned.

Bottom line (a phrase the Republicans didn’t even care about until they’d spent all the money): We are in this financial predicament because the Bush Administration went insane with unchecked corporate greed, deregulation, donor-rewarding legislation, and fabricated wars. The GOP Frat Party needs to stop with the finger-pointing and start helping to clean up their own mess.

To my Republican friends, and I do have them (although I may not after this post), because I try to engage in healthy dialogue: How can you be comfortable with this? How do you think this is right? What happened when that made you okay with supporting an obvious oppression effort to disenfranchise the middle and lower classes? I really don’t get it, and I’d appreciate some insight.

To my Democratic friends: Enough is enough. I realize that some of you are fighting the good fight, hats off to you, your activism is admirable. But to the others, who may not have vocalized your thoughts in an effective manner, now is the time to start emailing and texting and calling your representatives. Don’t just sit at home and whine to your partner or friends about how sucky things are. Don’t choose to be a helpless victim.

Take back our country. Stop complaining and start reacting. (And quit arguing with each other over the minor details of who’s more progressive, we’ve got a big-ass problem across the aisle. We can worry about team names later.) Don’t let privileged extremists govern the opportunities that you have in your life. One human, one vote. If you don’t exercise your rights, you may wake up one day and find yourself with fewer of them. Just ask the union workers in Wisconsin.

And by all means, throw that damn olive branch in the trash. It clearly isn’t working.

OWN your destiny.


Hope, strength, and a good night to all.

(Except John Boehner.)

25 Mostly Pointless But Snappy Comebacks When Debating A Crazed Right-Winger

1. “I’m sorry, was that you trying to form a complete sentence? My bad. At first I thought someone had run over another armadillo out on Route 9.”

2. “So when the Jesus visions come to you, are they live-action or animated? I’ve always wondered. We don’t get that channel where I live.”

3. “Exactly how many times have you fallen down a flight of stairs?”

4. “Would it help if I used hand puppets?”

5. “Let me guess. You’ve clicked LIKE on the Fox News fan page.”

6. “I’d try to explain it to you, but there are only so many months in a year.”

7. “So when your eyes go blank like that, are you just confused again or are you receiving further orders from the mother ship?”

8. “Good job, Brownie!”

9. “That’s a very interesting talent you have, the ability to selectively forget how things really played out. I bet you can watch the same movie hundreds of times. That will come in handy when they finally commit you.”

10. “You do understand that John Wayne was an actor, right? Wait, so was Ronnie. And Arnold. I think I get it now. So does this mean that Kirk Cameron is next in line?”

11. “Change the textbooks all you want. It won’t change the truth. Dick and Jane really did see Spot run, no matter what you say.”

12. “Now I know where all those misspelled, illogical comment posts come from on YouTube.”

13. “How can you be offended by the phrase tea bagger? It has three syllables, and that’s clearly outside your comprehensible skill set.”

14. “Do you understand that the Pilgrims came here to get away from people like you? You’re in the wrong country. Just like Rupert Murdoch.”

15. “At this point, an original thought probably would kill you.”

16. “You’re not a woman or her doctor, so your relevance in this conversation has just expired.”

17. “Do they really let you operate heavy machinery? Well, I know they let you fiddle with voting machines, because that’s part of your basic training, but how about cars and lawnmowers and remote controls?”

18. “When Nancy said ‘Just Say No’, she wasn’t talking about every piece of legislation that did not come from your own party. She was talking about drugs. I’m sure you know what those are. Because that can be the only explanation for what’s coming out of your mouth right now.”

19. “Guess you should have done your homework, huh? Oh, who am I kidding. Facts mean nothing to you. Just like decency and ownership of your own failures. And proper dental work.”

20. “Despite what you think, assuming that you even do, ‘willful ignorance’ is not a trait to be admired. But thumbs up on your halter-top and flip-flops ensemble.”

21. “You are the reason why first-cousins shouldn’t marry.”

22. “Let’s make a deal. You don’t tell me who I can love and I won’t tell you that you are the most delusional person on the face of the planet. I think most sane people already agree with both points anyway.”

23. “I started to ask how you can even live with yourself after making that statement, but then I remembered that you’re just quoting from the party rulebook and have no idea what you are actually saying. Good puppy, good dog. Run over there so Mr. Koch can give you a treat.”

24. “It’s all fun and games right now, running around and being defiant, but sooner or later you’re going to trip over something that will hurt you. It’s called the next election day.”

25. “Really? You’re willing to risk the destruction of this country because you’re a sore loser over your puppet not getting elected? What is this, third grade? Guess momma should have gotten you that tricycle you wanted for Christmas and maybe you wouldn’t be so bitter. Although I doubt it. The bitterness and self-centeredness that you’ve perfected takes a lot more than not getting to ride the things you want to ride. (Hi there, Mr. Hypocrite, preaching from the pulpit and then tapping his shoe in a public restroom.)

It takes years of your buddies making sure you don’t pay your fair share of taxes, then someone coming along and pointing out that you really should pay those taxes. That would make anyone bitter. Well, anyone who still believes that Bonzo, George the First, and Shrub aren’t responsible for ramming this country into the ground.

We’ve got work to do, folks. Let’s do it.

Peace.