10 Random Character Updates From “True Blood”

Mea culpa: I’m offering up this temporary salve to the dedicated followers of my “True Blood” reviews. I know that I have been incredibly negligent the last few weeks with my updates, for various reasons, most of which can only partially justify my waywardness. Anyway, herewith are just some thoughts about certain characters so far, and if you aren’t caught up with the show, you should consider this a spoiler alert and run do something else rather than read this. Here we go…

1. Sookie

Sweetie, seriously, you’re a down-to-earth Southern Gal who generally makes decent decisions while still managing to look cute and serve pie at Merlotte’s with admirable efficiency. But honey, you ain’t been nowhere near Merlotte’s lately, running around and doing the bang-bang with Mr. Eric, often in strange beds that magically appear in the midst of pretty snowfalls. I know that must be a lot of fun and all, but let Uncle Brian break a few things down for you.

You realize that Eric is only acting this way because there’s been some Wiccan pussy-whipping, right? He didn’t choose to become Forrest Gump with blond hair and better pecs, this was thrust upon him by measly Marnie who just happened to wake up one day with the spirit of a pissed-off witch living in her head. At any second or flip of a witch switch, he’ll be back to his bad self, annihilating people just because it’s fun and there’s nothing good on the TV.

Lastly, I’m sure you’re very proud of your breasts, still being young and all, when those things have a certain springy bounce, but I think we’ve seen enough of them. Thank you for keeping your top on in the next few episodes, no matter how hard the snow might fall.

2. Bill

Dude, I don’t even know where your head is at this season. That king mess is making you annoying and off-putting, especially for people like that whiny Portia Bellefleur, the one you stopped having sex with just because way back in the day both of your ancestors bumped uglies. Why you gettin’ all moralistic about that, when apparently incestuous slap-and-tickle doesn’t get folks too riled up in your part of the state? Besides, your abrupt ending to the relationship has meant that we haven’t seen Katherine Helmond since, a sin of great magnitude that must be dealt with at some point.

Anyway, we need some more effort on your part. Many of us are still pining for you and Sookie to get back together, if only so you can recreate that splendid graveyard scene from back in the day, when you tore your way out of the earth so you could make beastly love with the pie-scented Sookie as she once again encountered something unexpected while wandering stupidly through the Bon Temps cemetery. Let’s have some more of that, and less of the ordering people around and trying to silver your friends.

3. Eric

You are so cute and cuddly right now. And boring. Not really liking that second part. Snap out of it and do something atrocious so we can go back to the roller coaster of not caring for your actions but still wanting to sleep with you and your oddly-long torso. Although, based on the final few minutes of last night’s episode, when you did that aggressive open-heart surgery on a minor character, you might just be finding your way back to good vamp/bad vamp duality. Yay.

4. Jason

Well, now that you’ve left those Panther People behind (as far as we know, anyway), you’re actually turning out to be one of the most stable citizens of Bon Temps, something we never would have guessed at when you fornicated your way through the first couple of seasons. (Not that we minded watching that at all, you just keep right on removing restrictive clothing at any opportunity.) And that thing you did last night when you managed to close both those front doors using just your legs while spread-eagled on the floor? Quite moving. But let’s be careful with that Jessica angle, though, because she just might up and…

5. Jessica

Leave Hoyt? Hell, no. Girl, you need to settle down. Yes, Jason is one mighty fine snack plate, but he’s also still alive, which is the same condition that Hoyt is in, for now, and you seem a little put-out with that aspect of Hoyt at the moment. Don’t jump from one frying pan into another. (Sorry, poor choice of phrasing.) Besides, you and Hoyt were the cutest couple for a long time and everybody loved you, and you’re not going to care for the fan mail if you break his heart. Then again, it may be too late to patch things up, because Hoyt done gone and…

6. Hoyt

Kicked Jessica out? Dude, don’t you think you overreacted a tiny bit? Poor little dead Jessica was trying to explain her complex emotions, which you should have calmly listened to, not being dead and all and not really having any clue, but no, you decided to reenact one of your favorite scenes from some Rambo movie. (And did you have to kill that innocent lamp? It did nothing to you. That’s just bad sportsmanship.)

I understand that you’re feeling a little blue and unloved at the moment, so this probably won’t taste very good, but in that breakup scene you were acting just like your mother, getting mad because people won’t behave the way you want them to. (Cue Anthony Hopkins to stroll up carrying a shower cap.) But at least you’re not as messed up as…

7. Tommy

We’re over you and your inability to function as a decent human being. So your parents sucked, big deal. Other people have been through the same thing and managed to survive without having to kill mom and pop, although some of them did grow up to be Republicans. And you’d think, with your annoying new ability to change into whoever you want, you’d do something useful with that skill, instead of sleeping with the love interest of…

8. Sam

Man, when you step in it, you stomp down really hard. What’s up with that? New girl Luna has some serious issues, some of which you can’t control despite your insistence on fixing things for other people even though they don’t ask for or want you to help. Perhaps it’s time to rethink your romantic choices. Everybody you boink either grows to hate you, turns into a demon at really inopportune times, or runs off to New Orleans to become an angry and deceitful lesbian. Speaking of….

9. Tara

Not really getting the bad attitude, girl. Yes, you’ve had it rough, with alcoholism and possessed boyfriends betraying you and vampires trying to kill you and entire episodes where the scriptwriters just had you smoking a cigarette and not saying anything useful. But really, ain’t nobody up in that Bon Temps grill is having a swell time. (Did you hear that Hoyt and Jessica broke up? I know!) So you need to buck it up. And by bucking up, I’m not sure that means joining forces with a possibly confused, probably crazy, definitely dowdy schoolmarm by the name of…

10. Marnie

Or Antonia Granola Whatever the Hella. Look at you and your bad self, getting to play two different roles and making all the other actors just a tad bit jealous. Of course, since you’ve managed to irritate or cast spells on most of the main characters, your time in the split-personality sunshine will probably come to an end in a loud and gory way, but who knows. Some people stick around way longer than originally planned. (Can I get a high-five, Lafayette?)

But I do have one favor to ask. Could you possibly start wearing outfits that don’t remind me of home-schooling or people knocking on my door and wanting to tell me about the Lord? Thanks so much. I knew you’d understand. At least one of you.

Searching For Signal: #171 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 12

We start out in the parking lot of Fangtasia, with Eric and Russell sizzling away on the pavement, looking a bit under the weather. While they wait for someone to reach down with a giant spatula and flip them over, they bicker over the importance of Russell slaughtering Eric’s entire family. Suddenly, Godric appears to Eric, bathed in white light and spouting some Hallmark crap about “Forgiveness is love.” This makes Eric contort his face and scream really loud.

Cut to Sookie running through the forest in a billowy dress. A giant, gaudy chandelier descends from the sky and hovers over her, making her all glowy and stuff. She blinks her eyes, and she’s back in Fangtasia, with Bill shoving his face in hers. She leaps off the table or whatever and slaps him, because he interrupted a really pretty dream. “You betrayed me!”

Bill: “I only pretended to betray you, again, so I could save your life, again.”

He has a point, so Sookie changes the subject: “Where’s Eric?”

Pam, face streaked with blood tears and still gazing at the parking lot monitors: “Outside. Burning.”

Well, Sookie is not impressed with that, because it would be one less person who secretly wants her. She starts to rush out the door, Bill tries to stop her, angry words are exchanged, and Sookie dashes out anyway. She uses one of her Sookie powers to break the silver bond between Eric and Russell, hurls Russell against a fence, then drags Eric back into the family-friendly atmosphere of Fangtasia.

Roll opening credits. Did you know that people in Louisiana like to wear dirty ball caps? A lot.

Inside Fangtasia, Pam announces that Eric is very weak and “can’t drop fang”, which I’ve decided is a very fun expression and plan to use in the future. Sookie makes Bill bite her, so she can then feed her magical fairy juice to Eric. Bill and Sookie glare at each other while Eric slurps.

Zip over to Sam’s place, where he and Tara are all aglow after a night of squat tag, and he’s making breakfast for her. When she discovers that the menu includes hoecakes made with bacon grease, this causes the conversation to steer towards why Sam barks in his sleep. He fesses up to being a shape-shifter. She’s not every hungry anymore, faced once again with supernatural people making her life difficult.

Back to Fangtasia. Eric’s all better now that he’s gnoshed on Sookie. And he wants Sookie to run back out to the parking lot and rescue Russell. This is met with displeasure from Bill, Pam and Sookie. Fine. He’ll go himself. Sookie sighs. (Men are just so stupid.) Then she grabs a silver chain, heads back out, and wraps the chain around his neck to drag him back inside. She’s pretty strong for a waitress, lugging half-dead dead people around and all.

Back to Tara and Sam. Tara: “I cannot deal with non-humans right now. I wish I could just re-boot. Be a new person. And forget all this crap I’ve learned in the last few weeks.” Sam: You should be able to do that. You’d be surprised how easy it is.” Tara: It never catches up? Sam: Well, there’s that. You gotta keep moving.

Fangtasia again. Russell is silver-chained to the stripper pole. The vamps have got to go to ground, so Eric tells Sookie to stay and watch over Russell. She’s not really excited about the task, but reluctantly agrees, mainly so she won’t have to look at Bill’s hateful face. As the vamps leave, Eric calls somebody and tells him he’s going to need their help tonight. Hmmm.

Cut to the Bon Temps Sheriff’s station, where Andy is dealing with some DEA honcho who is all hopped up about raiding the place where Crystal’s creepy family is selling V. Jason wanders up, sniffing to find out when the raid might be. Andy drags Jason to his office to school him and make him shut up, but simple Andy spills that they raid will take place today. Jason bolts.

Tara is trotting out the door of Sam’s place, moseying toward the Merlotte’s parking lot, when she suddenly has flashbacks to the hundred or so people she’s seen killed there. This makes her really sad and pensive.

Hoyt shows up at his jobsite, only to find his momma, Summer the Biscuit Maker, and his high-school guidance counselor. They gonna do an intervention, just like on Dr. Phil! Well, it doesn’t go as they planned, mainly because Momma is just too twisted for words. Hoyt ends it with “I love Jessica. If you don’t like it, you can’t be a part of my life.”

Awww. And they say true love never dies. Literally.

Over to Sam’s again. He walks out of his place to find Lafayette hanging around outside Merlotte’s. Laff came in early to make some oyster stew, but forgot his key. Sam lets him in, but not before Laff has one of his visions about Sam, bloody hands and evil threats, that stuff. Okay, we need to find out what’s going on with Laff.

Back to Fangtasia. First, Russell tries to barter with Sookie so she will release him. She plays along for a bit, getting him to offer up 5 million dollars, his plantation, and a promise to kill both Eric and Bill. (Wow. She really is mad at them.) Then she decides not to let him go, so Russell tries to scare her by snarling that every vampire on the planet will be after her for her Sookie juice. And they will suck her dry.

Sookie doesn’t think such threats are very polite, so she sprays him in the face with some of the funky silver mist. Rather than just shut up, Russell continues to threaten. Well, two can play at the bullying game. Sookie snatches up the crystal urn with Talbot’s remains. “Why are you carrying this around?’ Turns out that Russell is actually planning to bring him back to life. Really? How so? Apparently Russell plans to use Sookie’s blood for this miraculous feat of engineering.

Or maybe not. Sookie takes the urn behind the bar, dumps the Talbo goo in the sink, and then flips on the garbage disposal. Russell freaks while blades whirl and Sookie laughs maniacally. Oh my. We be gettin’ vicious up in here.

Jason and Crystal roll up to the drug-shack compound. While very dirty and half-naked kinfolk mill about, Crystal Daddy comes out hollerin for Jason and Crystal to leave. They try to explain that the Feds is comin’. Crystal Daddy finally believes them, and starts ordering his relatives to hide stuff. Suddenly, there’s a gun shot and Felton appears. He’s not keen on gettin’ rid of the V, money to be made and all that. When Crystal Daddy argues, Felton just shoots him in the head. (These are some really nice people. I wonder if I can book a tour?)

Cut to Sam showing up at Terry and Arlene’s. Terry’s sitting on the porch steps, bawling. (Who knows, it’s Terry.) Sam apologizes for the things he said when he was drunk, and Terry cries more. Turns out these are tears of joy. Arlene’s good, the baby’s good, and now he’s got a nice apology to go with it. Ergo, the floodgates are open.

I really don’t understand these people.

Sam has no idea what to say to messed-up Terry, so he goes over to the house Tommy was renting. The place is trashed and Tommy is gone. Uh oh.

Back to the police station, where the DEA agents are rolling out for the big raid. The honcho won’t let Andy come along, instead sending him to the store to get him a pack of cigarettes. Poor Andy.

Once again to the drug factory. Felton has whipped himself into a frenzy, threatening to kill everybody while kinfolk stand around in their underwear and show us their bad teeth. Jason tries to calm him down, saying that’s just the V talking. Felton doesn’t care. He likes violence. (Big surprise.) Then Felton orders “his woman” Crystal to get in the truck so they can drive off and hurt some more people. Crystal agrees to do so, afraid if she doesn’t that Felton will kill Jason.

Before she leaves, Crystal tells Jason that somebody has got to take care of these poor, dirty people. Jason: “Tell me how to.” Crystal: “Just help them. Any way you can.” Then she says her teary goodbye. Jason: “I will find you.” Once the trunk thunders away down the dusty road, Jason turns to the dirty clan and introduces himself.

Tara arrives at her momma’s home, only find Momma playing slap and tickle with her preacher. Harsh words are exchanged, and Tara realizes this is no longer home. She wishes her Momma luck and drives away. Momma just stands there with her fake wig and looks confused.

Cut to Merlotte’s. Sam marches into his office and finds the safe gone. (Courtesy of that model citizen, the now-missing Tommy.) Sam shoves a gun in his pants and stomps out. Meanwhile, Lafayette is just trying to cook food for people, but he keeps seeing those demon images, causing him to flip his burgers wrong and spill grits. He gets on the horn with Jesus. “I’m seeing things. BAD things!” Jesus: “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Fangtasia again. We see a truck drive into the parking lot. Inside, Russell thinks its “my wolves, come to rescue me.” Well, no. It’s Alcide. Sookie spies him, has a small orgasm, and races up to him. “You’ve come to rescue me!” Well, no. Alcide: “Eric called me. Wants me to do somethin’. Said he’d settle all my dad’s debts.” Sookie frowns. “Oh.”

But before they get around to doing anything constructive, Alcide has a beer while Sookie hovers. Alcide: “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I’d hate it if we never saw each other again.” Sookie beams, because her stable of admirers is apparently intact. But she tells him “don’t be such a good guy right now.”

Eric, Bill and Pam come marching in from… who knows. Eric unchains Russell and starts to drag him out to Alcide’s truck. Bill wants Sookie to stay here, “Pam will protect you.” Sookie wants none of that, she’s going home. And she rescinds the invitation to her house from all the vampires in the room, including Bill. As she flits out the door, Bill and Alcide glare at each other. (Which prompts Eric to say funniest line in the episode, and it’s entirely unprintable.)

Sheriff’s office again, with Andy staring at a vial of V in total fascination. His contemplation is interrupted by the DEA honcho barging in, dragging Jason along. The whole drug bust was a bust. Everybody gone, Jason tipped them off. The honcho storms out, calling everybody backwoods hicks. Once he’s gone, Andy tears into Jason for screwing things up. Jason stops him. “This is bigger than us. Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing.”

I don’t know where they are headed with the Jason character lately, but me likey.

Merlotte’s. Jesus arrives, and he and Laff have a confab in the hallway. Laff: What is going on? Jesus: You opened up something inside you. You’re more sensitive now. Laff: I don’t WANT to be sensitive. Jesus: I’m a brujo. A witch. Laff: A witch? You’re a witch, who’s a nurse, who’s a dude. Jesus nods. Laff: Well, I guess I lucked out, then, huh?

Cut to Tara in a bathroom at Sookie‘s, reaching for scissors. They play it up like she might be about to engage in some bodily harm, but instead she cuts off most of her hair, resulting in a really cute new ‘do. Sookie arrives home, and they chat over a meal. They bond again, sisters once more. Then Tara suddenly announces that she’s “gonna run over to Merlotte’s. Gotta talk to Lafayette.” They hug and Tara leaves.

Something’s going on here, not sure what.

Cut to a construction site. We see Alcide about to drive off in his truck, talking to Eric. “We’re done now, right? You leave my daddy and my family alone.” Off he goes. The camera pans to Russell, thrown into a deep pit, with wet concrete being poured around him. This is apparently Eric’s new plan to keep Russell from finding any redemption after the True Death. Russell won’t really be dead, but will be wrapped in silver and encased in concrete. He won’t get out for a long time. A hundred years for him to go mad with grief.

You think Eric has a little bit of a grudge?

Russell: “I will kill you both.”

Eric gets another vision from Godric, who is very disappointed that Eric couldn’t just let it go. Eric explains that “this is what you made me”. Eric hits a button that sends in more concrete, covering Russell. Godric vanishes, sad.

As Russell’s cries die out, Bill offers his hand to Eric, appearing interested in a truce. When Eric accepts his hand, Bill slaps some silver on it, immobilizing Eric. Bill then knocks Eric into another pit, and starts pouring in concrete. (I know, right?) While Eric disappears beneath the grayish goo, Bill whips out the phone he stole from Eric before shoving him in the pit. “Reuben” answers. Bill: “This is Northman. I want you to find my progeny Pam and kill her. Now.”

Cut to Hoyt and Jessica arriving at a house. He leads her, blindfolded, through the front door, then lets her see where they are. He’s put a security deposit down on their first home. Hoyt: “I want to marry you.” Jess: “We can’t.” Hoyt: “What’s to keep me from becoming a minister and marrying ourselves?”

It’s totally sweet. But as the camera pans away, we see what looks like a creepy voodoo doll lying in one of the other rooms. Great. Nobody can ever be happy in this show for any length of time.

Now we’re in some gun shop, and Momma Hoyt is checking out rifles, her face all pinched and Republican.

Sookie’s house, and a knock on the door. It’s Bill. “We must talk.” Sookie: “Come in.” (So I guess she’s already over her vampire ban.) They chat, with Bill fessing that Russell is gone (Sookie: “Yay!”), and so is Eric. Sookie: Wait. What? Why? Bill: He tasted you. Even if we go our separate ways, I must protect you. I intend to bring the True Death to all who have tasted you and know what you are. Even if it means not being a part of your life. This I swear to you.

Well, then.

The front door flies open, and there’s Eric on the porch. Oh?

Eric: “You did tell her that you were sent by the Queen of Louisiana, to procure her for what she might be?”

Sookie: “What?”

Bill: I didn’t know in the beginning why she wanted you. As I grew to know you, I purposely kept you from her.

Eric: What about you letting two psychos beat her, so you could feed her your blood the night you met? Think she’ll forgive you for that?

Sookie: Is it true?

Bill: Yes.

Eric: He tried to silence me tonight so you would never know. He doesn’t want to protect you. He only wants to protect himself.

Sookie, livid, to Bill: Get out of my house!

Bill is forced through the air but hangs onto the door frame: It was YOU I loved, not what you are.

Sookie: Don’t come near me. Don’t call me.

Bill: I love you.

Sookie: You don’t even get to use that word! I rescind my invitation.

Bill is forced down the porch steps and into the yard, flopping around in the dirt while Eric picks bits of concrete out of his hair.

Eric, to Sookie: I’m sorry to see you suffer like this, but I thought you had the right to know. Then he smirks, because he just got a notch up on the tracking spreadsheet of Sookie’s suitors.

Merlotte’s. Tara drives into the parking lot, gazes wistfully at the building, and then drives away.

She’s gone.

We see Tommy walking along a road. A jeep comes thundering along, and Tommy runs. It’s Sam, and he jumps out of the jeep and chases Tommy through the woods. There’s a confrontation, Sam demands his money back, pointing his gun at Tommy. Tommy doesn’t believe him and turns to go. Sam shoots. I’m guessing he was serious about wanting that money back.

Sookie’s house. She’s crying. Then she suddenly runs out the door. Maybe she forgot to pay the water bill.

Bill’s house. The Queen shows, all haughty. “Bring me the girl. I’ve waited so long to feel sunlight.” Bill: She’s not here. I brought you here under false pretenses. But I do have another surprise for you. Only one of us will leave this house.

They bare fangs and fly at each other.

Quick scene with Eric and Pam at Fangtasia. She’s fine, apparently surviving whatever Reuben tried to to, and getting home in time to watch “Wheel of Fortune”.

Back to Sookie, running through a graveyard. She finds Gran’s headstone. “I followed my heart, but it led me down a dead-end road. I’ve never felt so alone.”

Mystical music plays, and a woman appears. “Sookie, you’re not alone. Come with us.” The woman holds out her hand.

Sookie takes it. Pretty lights sparkle around then, and they vanish.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #163 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 11

We start out with something a little different, where they do an “In Memoriam” thing, where we get to see shots of all the people who have died on this show, while pretty, wistful music plays in the background. It’s kind of fun, but I was startled at how many times I went “Who the hell was that? Did I miss an episode?”

Anyway, we get to the real action, with Bill storming into Fangtasia, all huffy because he just got the intergalactic “I’m in trouble again” mind message from Sookie. Pam’s there, all irritated about something, as usual, and she tries lying to Bill. “They’re not here.” Sorry, Trixie, but Bill can smell her in the basement, a lovely aroma of sunshine, baked cookies, and the inability to mind her own business.

So Pam tries another angle. “Maybe she’s afraid of you” and that’s why she’s here. Bill does not want to play, snarling threats at Pam, which basically should be a standard day for her and her negative attitude. Pam snaps back: “I’m not the enemy. There’s a bigger picture.” This leads to a physical tussle, which Bill should easily win, being older and all, but Pammy cheats by whipping out a clever bottle of silver mist and spraying him in the face. He drops to his knees, totally caught off guard by the evil air freshener.

Roll opening credits.

Cut to Sookie, quivering and wild-eyed in the basement, and we see that foreign girl, no idea what her name is but she’s the one that didn’t get squat in Eric’s will, traipsing down the stairs with some bolt-cutters or something. She’s still mad about the inheritance exclusion and is going to set Sookie free just to piss off Eric. She gets to cuttin’ and snippin’.

Upstairs, Pam and Bill are rolling all over the place, with her going all hog-wild with squirting her compact death spray. Furniture gets broken, and somebody’s drink gets knocked over so they are NOT going to be happy when they get back from the bathroom.

Here come the duo from downstairs, with foreign girl whirling a heavy silver chain like it’s a rodeo. She manages to subdue Pam with such, while Sookie hovers around the blinded Bill and chatters endlessly, one of her specialties. During all this, Pam reveals that Sookie was going to be a gift from Eric to Russell, but that might not quite happen since Pam is now strapped to a stripper pole while Bill and The Gift race out the door.

Cut to Lafayette and Jesus, still basking in the afterglow of their acid trip with the V. Jesus thinks the whole thing was a real hoot, and wants to do it again. Laff is not so enthusiastic: “The blood can lie.” Jesus: “Did it feel like a lie? Let’s do it again! I wanna see my people!” Laff tries to talk him out of it. Not a good idea, hooker.

Suddenly, Jesus turns into this snarling gargoyle demon thing and lunges at Laff. Then it’s over, and it’s just Jesus again, smiling seductively. “What?” Laff blinks his heavily-painted eyes, not sure if that was real or a weird flashback. He decides to sleep on the meaning of it all. Alone. He sends Jesus packing. Holla at ya later.

Now we have Jason and Crystal, with her explaining that she’s a “were-panther”. That’s nice. Jason: “You could have given me a heads up.” Crystal gets really defensive really fast, so I guess were-panthers can be manic-depressive. Crystal: “Stop blaming me for things that aren’t my fault!” Jason, apparently not remembering the rest of his lines, runs out the door to look for Sookie instead of learning more about his hairy girlfriend.

Jessica and Hoyt are making out, on what looks like one of Bill’s ancient couches (I bet there’s some serious coinage up in there). Hoyt: “I can’t do nothin’ without you.” Jess: “I missed you so much!” Hoyt: “You saved me!” Jess, not fully understanding romantic wordplay: “I killed a trucker!”

Hoyt: Oh… um… you couldn’t really help it, right? An accident? Jess: Nope. Did it on purpose, I was still learning the trade. But you have to understand this is what I really am. I have to have human blood. I’m not gonna stop. Hoyt spends about three seconds on his response, then: “Drink me.” Girl is ON it, pronto.

Cut to the Jackson Art Museum. Russell is staring at some painting, missing his lost love Talbot while clutching the Waterford urn that contains Talbot’s gooey remains. Eric shows: “You loved him more than anyone.” That’s why he had to die. Russell: “Don’t be obscure.” Eric: Fine, then. A thousand years ago. Vikings. Dead parents. Blah, blah, blah. All because you wanted a crown for your stupid collection.

Russell smiles. “I’m SO excited to kill you.”

Eric: No, we’re even. Let me help you now. Russell: “You can’t possibly comprehend what I’m after.” Then he moves in to snap Eric’s neck or something. Eric: “I can offer you day-walking.” Russell pauses, skeptical. But if it’s really true: “No one could stand against me.” Eric: “If I’m wrong, you can kill me tomorrow.”

Then Eric’s phone rings. (Ring tone: “Aint’ We Got Fun!”) It’s Pam. Thought you might want to know that your parting gift for Russell has parted herself.

Bill and Sookie in the car. He wants to know why she went to Eric. She blows it off, which leads to Bill bringing up trust issues, and Sookie countering the trust issues with not being sure she can believe either one of them. Bill, wanting to save the relationship: Let’s try again. Want to? (Very sweet. But really, let’s cross off “staying alive” on our checklist first, shall we?)

Quick shot of Tara at Eggs’ grave, crying.

Merlotte’s, with Holly and Arlene chatting about the non-abortion abortion that Arlene is seeking. Holly: There’s not a 100% guarantee that it will work. Arlene: I just wanna get it over with.

Suddenly, Sam comes staggering into the bar, totally wasted. He’s all about the drunken hollering and rudeness. Terry tries to calm him down, but Sam responds by calling Terry a “shell-shocked” really bad word. That sets Arlene off, and she tears into Sam. (With Holly in the background, helpfully adding “And you’re polluting our vibes!”) Sam continues with the attitude and the meanness, causing Holly and Arlene to rip off their aprons and storm from the bar. (But not before Holly cryptically tells Arlene “Grab the salt. I forgot mine.”)

Cut to Jason in his truck, leaving a voice message for the non-answering Sookie. Oh look, he just happens to be parked outside the high-school football stadium. Let’s go see what’s up and relive our glory days when we were a star athlete and we didn’t have to be responsible for our lives.

Turns out some of the football team is having a late practice, including that cocky quarterback boy that we can’t stand. He’s throwing the football really hard, knocking people over. One of the passes even sails off into the night sky, never to be seen again. Oh? Jason nods knowingly.

Now we’re at Hoyt’s momma’s house, and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Summer, crying about Hoyt not wanting her baking skills. “I even offered him my virginity!” Mom: “I appreciate that. Even if you broke God’s law.” Summer: “I showed him my best underwear!” Momma, realizing that this is one of the most profound sacrifices a girl can make, hugs Summer. “We are NOT finished.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Sam is now serving the tables because he’s made everybody mad. Tara strolls in and walks over to Sheriff Andy. “Mind if I sit?” she asks politely, but her expression is making it clear that if she gets any hint of disagreement she will cut. She just sits there and glares at him while he rattles about inane things. Then she finally interrupts him.

Tara: “I know about Eggs.” Then she launches, anger and invective filling the air. “You’re a dirty, dirty cop.”

Andy: “What are you gonna do?”

Tara: “What can I do?”

Andy: “I never wanted to be a hero.” Then he tells the truth about Eggs going crazy with the knife and being in tight with Mary Ann and other tidbits of nastiness that Eggs did. Tara is stunned, her fire suddenly out.

Sam marches up to Tommy: Get out there and “take some orders”. Tommy has no intention of doing so, not his fault if Sam chased everybody off. This turns into a huge fight, with Sam finally firing Tommy and telling him to get out of the rental house. Tommy: “Where am I supposed to go?” Sam: “Don’t care.”

Then Sam marches out into Merlotte’s proper, and orders all the patrons to leave. Tara completely ignores him, sitting at the bar and taking shots from what looks like a five-gallon barrel of tequila.

Bill and Sookie, still zooming down the road in her crappy car, imagining what life would be like if they could do anything they wanted. She wants to be a real estate agent. (Which I guess would make sense. There’s a lot of turnover in this town, what with folks dying all the time.) Bill wants to teach third grade. (Where the hell did THAT come from?)

Speaking of, Russell and Eric suddenly appear in the middle of the road, with Russell slamming his fist on the front hood of the crappy vehicle and causing it to almost flip over, which is kind of neat. Oh boy, change in plans.

Holly and Arlene are in the middle of some field, with Holly pouring a big salt circle and chanting. She’s also waving around a very impressive dagger, so let’s hope it’s for ceremonial purposes and not, you know, killing. While she’s flitting about, Holly compares momma stories with Arlene, and it seems neither one of them had very good relationships.

Holly suddenly blurts out: “You need a decoction!” Arlene and the audience stare at Holly in puzzlement, because that sounds really painful. Turns out it’s just a fancy name for the bubbling brew that Holly as been preparing in between rounds of flinging table condiments. Oh, and we just need one final ingredient. A drop of Arlene’s blood, as a sacrifice. This is SO not like going to Planned Parenthood.

And Holly has some final words as Arlene prepares to drink. “By the way, if a spirit is meant to be born, you can’t stop it.” Great.

Back to the football stadium, where the cocky quarterback is still pushing his team too hard until they get fed up and leave. Jason walks up to him. “You’re on V.” Cocky: Maybe. Jason: “That makes you a liar and a cheater. I’m taking you down.” Cocky: No you’re not. My parents are paying for the V and the principal takes V and has sex. Not worried.

Jason stomps off into the night, disillusioned. I’m wondering where I can get my hands on a brochure for this school.

Cut to Laff’s place, where he suddenly wakes up to find that all the cute little voodoo dolls in the den have turned evil and are having a party.

Over to Fangtasia, where the Sookie-mobile rolls up and the gang piles out. Eric whispers to Bill: “Hit me!” Just do it. Bill does, and they get into a nice hair-pulling rumble. Russell ignores the rough-housing and drags Sookie inside. Once the door closes, Eric says to Bill: “I have a plan.”

Tara and Sam, alone at Merlotte’s. Tara: “What crawled up your butt tonight?” Sam: Hey, you get to show your feelings all the time. Tara schools him on the proper way to retain employees. Sam: “We got nobody.” Tara: “You got me.” This leads to flirting, quickly followed by tonguing, and the next thing you know we got hot and sweaty sex back at Sam’s place.

Quick shot of Tommy breaking into the safe in Sam’s office at Merlotte’s.

Next we have Arlene fishing in some swamp, and we know she don’t mess with dirty stuff so it’s got to be a dream. She hears her momma calling but doesn’t really feel compelled to go see what she’s hollerin’ about. Suddenly, Terry is waking her up back in her own bed. She starts to get out of bed, and then sees that there’s blood everywhere.

Terry starts to call 9-1-1, but she stops him. “I’m okay. But I think we’re losin’ the baby.” When he starts to break down, she soothes him. “We’ll cry later. Can you get me that big box of pads out of the bathroom?”

Jason gets home, and finds Crystal. Jason: “I don’t wanna break up. No one in this town is who they’re supposed to be.” Crystal: That’s swell. Now, can we go stop the drug bust at the meth lab before all my inbred kin get kilt?”

Back to Fangtasia, with Russell ogling the nubile Sookie. “Fairies? Am I a fool?” Eric: “She may be the last of her kind.” Sookie: You ain’t gonna drink from me. I ain’t nobody’s supernatural sunscreen. Bill stops her in mid-screech: “Just do it. He may let you live.”

Sookie’s eyes burn with confusion and raging at hatred towards Bill right at that moment. (Girl really needs to make up her mind about Bill, just sayin’.)

Russell has one condition for Eric about this arrangement: “You go first.” Eric: “Love to.”

Arlene and Terry at the hospital, with her consoling him even though she’s the one being forced to wear a backless gown. The doctor comes in with some interesting news. “The baby’s still on board. He’s one strong little critter.’ Terry turns handsprings. Arelene gulps.

Fangtasia. Sunrise.

Pam and Eric are off to one side. Pam: “Don’t do it. What if it doesn’t work?” Eric: “It will.”

They walk over and join the rest of the happy crowd. Bill’s chained up, Sookie’s chained up and still glaring at Bill, Russell’s thinking of who he can hurt next. He and Eric approach Sookie.

Bill: “Don’t drain her.” Otherwise, no more midnight fairy snacking, ever.

Russell gets impatient, grabs one of Sookie’s arms, and feeds. Eric quickly joins him.

Then Eric walks out the front door and into the sun. He does not burst into flames.

Russell and Pam watch on a security monitor, awed, while Sookie is sprawled on the table behind them, half-dead and not looking very pretty. Bill: “Unchain me! I have to feed Sookie!” They completely ignore him, gazing at the non-flaming Eric, eyes dancing with delight and potential daylight killing sprees.

Eric motions on the monitor for Russell to come out. Then he turns away from security camera, muttering “don’t let them see me”. We realize that his skin is starting to smoke. Uh oh.

Russell babbles some nonsense about manifest destiny, then he walks out the front door as well, almost in rapture at the touch of the sun.

Back inside, Pam is still watching the monitor, blood-tears dripping. Bill screams in the background, still insisting that he be allowed to feed Sookie. Pam couldn’t care less about anyone’s nutritional needs right at the moment.

Back outside, Eric suddenly turns to face Russell. Just as Russell realizes that Eric’s face is burning off, Eric snatches Russell’s arm and handcuffs Russell to his own body.

“Be brave. We’ll die together.”

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #159 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 10

We start off with Bill finally letting Sookie know “what she is”. Sookie’s eyes are all aglow with excitement until Bill does the big reveal, then she’s greatly disappointed. “I’m a fairy? How lame!” Bill tries to soften the blow. Well, you also go by lots of other interesting names, none of which I catch. Oh, and she’s not really a full-blooded fairy, being the result of a fairy forcing itself on one of Sookie’s ancestors back in the day. Because fairies apparently like to do that.

Sookie: “So my people are rapists?” Great.

Bill has more news. He’s been to the Sookie Dreamworld Garden and talked to the very excitable Claudine. Seems she and her billowy sisters have been protecting Sookie all this time. And, cautions Bill, we have to be very careful, because most people believe the fairies were wiped out of existence by vampires.

Sookie sighs. Really, people. A fairy?

Roll opening credits.

Jason is having some issues dealing with the aftermath of shooting Franklin, while Tara stands nearby and trembles. Jason has flashbacks to killing Eggs as well as that one weird guy down in the basement back in the day. Then Tara starts barking orders. “I need you to dig!” Jason interprets this to mean dropping on all fours and half-heartedly pawing at the ground like he has a bone to bury. Tara: “Take these clothes and find a place to burn them.” Jason scampers off. Tara then spits on what’s left of the Franklin pie and runs to join Jason in his truck.. They roar away like there’s a sale at Macy’s.

Lafayette, still hauling around beat-up Crystal Daddy, pulls up to his house instead of a hospital. This irritates Jesus. What are you doing? Laff: “It’s twenty miles or more. He’s not going to make it. Help me get him inside.”

Sam’s at his house, pouring Jack Daniels on the hand wounds he got from walloping Crystal Daddy. (What, you own a bar but you can’t afford some hydrogen peroxide?) The smooth, charcoal-mellowed liquid apparently causes Sam to hear voices, and then have a flashback.

2003. A slick-haired Sam (And we don’t want to do that look again. Are you listening stylist people? Not working for me) and some tramp are all happy about some jewels that Sam has apparently stolen while doing his doggie drag. They decide to have sex as a celebration, and he shoves her up against a wall as foreplay.

Then some guy comes in and puts a gun to Sam’s head. I’ll be takin’ them there jewels. It’s a setup, and previously horny girlfriend was in on it, and she now races to gather the booty. As a parting gift, they guy wallops Sam with the gun. As she scurries out the door, the girl pauses to look wistfully at Sam on the floor, so we know that she really did enjoy her time with Lassie, and will probably miss him. Then we flash back to the present, and Sam starts throwing things around.

Sookie and Bill again, and she has more questions. Sookie: Why do people think we were wiped out? Bill: There’s a legend that fairy blood is most delicious. Sookie: Why did excitable Claudine believe you? And wait a minute. Are your feelings for me based on my deliciousness? Bill: At first, maybe. But we grew. And I love you. You brought light back into my life.

Good save, Bill.

Eric and Pam are at Fantasia with some lawyer. It seems that Eric is updating his will to basically leave everything to Pam. This causes Pam to stop around in her designer heels and ask: “WHY?” Eric: “Do the math.” You think Russell is going to let me live?

The lawyer doesn’t care, especially since there’s a “Leave It To Beaver” marathon and he’d really like to get home. We just need two witnesses, and the other one can’t be the person getting the money. So Eric hollers, and some trollop comes marching out. I don’t recall ever seeing her before, but apparently she and Eric have some kind of something going on. She is none too happy about signing papers where she doesn’t get any of the goodies. Eric calls her a whore, which causes Pam to call him a bastard. Love is in the air.

Back to Laff’s house, where he gives some vampire blood to Crystal Daddy, which causes the mean redneck to instantly heal. Crystal is beside herself with joy and resurrection, but Daddy does not know how to show appreciation and thanksgiving. He gets mad that he’s got some vamp blood up in him, and to show his displeasure he slaps Crystal and then stomps away, presumably to NOT attend an anger management class. Crystal, backwoods fool that she is, runs after him.

Lafayetta: “That’s a whole new dimension of trash right there.”

Crystal follows Angry Daddy somewhere into the woods, with Daddy bellowing nastiness and intolerance. Crystal tries to plead some sense into him, until Daddy finally whirls on her. “You CAN’T mix with those people.” You need to get your butt back to Felton and commence with the breeding. Crystal: Can’t do it. Daddy: Then you’re dead to me. He marches off to see if there are any innocent furry animals that he can torture.

Sookie’s house. She’s sawing logs on the couch while Bill is watching that Nan spokes-bitch on TV, defending the vampire race and explaining that Russell is just a tiny little exception. (But really, who’s going to believe anything she says with that severe haircut of hers?) There’s a knock on the door.

It’s Eric. “I know what Sookie is.” Turns out this is some type of code phrase for “hey, let’s go take a walk in the woods”, which they do. Eric: Since you’ve been doing the Sookie Snackin’, you can walk in the sun. Did Sophie Ann tell you that? Is it true? Bill: Meh. Just a few minutes. You still burn. Eric: Well, Sophie’s going to be disappointed. Oh, by the way, I killed Talbot. Bill: Why are you here? Eric: To protect Sookie. And you need to tell her the truth.

Conveniently, Sookie walks up just then, because she can’t stand it when people walk in the woods without her approval. “What truth?” Then she glares at Eric. “And I can’t trust YOU” about anything.

Sookie, dear. If you want to learn things, perhaps you shouldn’t be so bitter with your communication skills. Play nice. Then if you need to, you can kill people later.

Eric: “Do what you want. I won’t be around much longer. I wish you the best.”

Merlotte’s, where that Fellowship of the Sun guy is on TV, pretending to be Christian but really just trashing vampires. Arlene is watching him, agreeing, and getting a little lippy with her anti-vamp commentary. Jessica finally snaps, fangs are bared, and she firmly explains to Arlene that she needs to be a little more tolerant. And that she has a bad dye job.

This confrontation makes Tommy horny, which I guess shouldn’t be surprising. He tags along after Jessica, inquiring about Hoyt’s status. “Why you here with me instead of with him?” Jessica: “He’s too good for me.” Tommy “I’m not.”

Cut to Hoyt and Summer the Biscuit Maker in his truck. She’s noticed that things are a bit distant between them (um, he can’t stand you, is that what you mean?) and she’s decided to fill that void with sex. She starts to wriggle out of her clothes while Hoyt considers taking his own life.

Jason drags Tara to his house, and they find Sookie and Bill there. Sook: “Can we stay?” Little bit of an issue, people hunting us down, blah, blah. Tara, all bitchy: Bill ain’t nuthin but trouble!” Bill: “Fine, I’ll go to ground nearby.” He marches away. When Sook tries to tell Tara what for, Tara stops her. “I want all vampires dead!” Then Tara launches into a long tirade with details about what Franklin did to her while “the man you love didn’t lift a finger.”

Then they hug it out, because nothing brings people closer together than comparing vampire experiences. Meanwhile, Bill is talking to Jason out back. Bill: “You got a gun? The werewolves are fast.” Jason: “I’ll take care of her.” Which is nice and all, but it’s Jason. Something is going to go terribly wrong, soon. And he’s going to have sex. Those are the two constants with young Mr. Stackhouse.

Back to Lafayette’s house, where Laff finds Jesus sniffing a vial of vampire blood. Jesus: “This is magic. You ever do it? I wanna do it with you.” Laff: Hold up. That stuff is whack. Different things happen at different times. Jesus: “You’re safe with me.” Then they talk briefly about being shamans. (When did THAT happen?) Then Jesus feeds them both a drop. Oh boy.

Merlotte’s again, TV is still on, and a reporter is letting us know that they raided Russell’s plantation but didn’t find a damn thing. Sam comes in, and the staff is a little jumpy about this development, because the last time the boss was in the house he tore up that Crystal Daddy man with a bit more savagery than anyone expected.

New waitress Holly (aka newly-hired therapist for the entire town) approaches Bill with a baggie. “This is black kohash” (or something like that) “and it will help you control your testosterone. I’m a wiccan.” Sam glares at her for a second, then basically tells her to go to hell and mind her own business, proving that he just might need that kohash after all.

As Sam stomps away, Tommy throws this out: “I was proud of you last night. “ Sam throws back: “You’re an idiot.”

Terry is out back, smoking, when Arlene comes traipsing out the back door with a sack of trash. She bursts into tears, he tries to comfort her, and she finally fesses: “This baby ain’t yours! It’s Renee’s. It’s evil and I want to get rid of it.” Terry: “No! I will raise that child as my own. We will surround that baby with love.” Which is really sweet and all, but dude. Are you not paying attention to everything else going on around you? Might want to really consider this spawn of Satan thing.

Jason and Sookie, with him upset and trying to talk about killing Franklin. Sookie tries to counsel him, which causes Jason to blurt: “I killed Eggs! Andy said it was him before I could think.” Sookie takes a step back, and she gets that flash in her eye which means she’s about to make an ultimatum. “Tara’s gotta know! People always find out.” Jason sighs.

Next we have Jesus and Lafayette, trippin’ on da V, yo. They go through a doorway and find themselves in a giant temple, where a woman with a green ring is making tortillas. Jesus knows her, something about she saved many people from evil. Then we’re in a courtyard, with another woman breaking a raw egg over someone’s belly. And we have an underground tunnel thing where there are skulls and goats and a creepy man who seems very displeased as he chants and curses. Very surreal and weird.

Bottom line, Lafayette’s great-grandmother (or some such) was some kind of priestess, and Jesus’ grandfather practiced the black arts and had big plans for Jesus, but his momma took him on the run. At least I think that’s what we learned. I really don’t know. But I do know that I won’t be taking any V. No sir. I don’t want to KNOW what my ancestors might have done. Although I suspect one of them must have had sex with a fairy.

Sookie wakes up and Eric is there. Sook: “I know this is a dream. I’m getting tired of dreaming about you.” Eric, as they kiss passionately, “I know you like it. Oh, and don’t trust Bill.” Sookie wakes for real.

Jason is starting at her. “You okay?” Yeah, she’s fine. So Jason takes a breakfast tray into Tara’s room. He starts to talk to her about the Eggs thing, but can’t just yet. Tara, thinking this is about Franklin: “It’s okay. You saved my life.” Jason tries again, but he’s not making any sense. It’s Jason. Tara: “You’re a good person. I can count on you.” They hug. Then they kiss. Then they really kiss, tongues and all that. Uh oh.

Tara breaks it off and starts to run away. Jason grabs her arm. “I shot Eggs!” Tara flees into the night. Well, at least to another part of the house. Jason tries to follow, then realizes that Sookie is gone. But she thoughtfully left a note, so we know that at least the first part of her journey was voluntary.

Bill’s house, with Jessica wandering about. Suddenly there’s lots of hollerin’, and she spies a cross burning on the lawn and graffiti painted on the house. Seems some folks aren’t too happy with vampires right now. Bill shows up, and Jessica wants to track down the people who did this, but Bill stops her.

Sam’s sitting somewhere, drinking in the dark, and he has another flashback. (Have you not connected the dots here, Sam? Don’t drink. The flashbacks won’t happen.) Anyway, in this one, we’re at a campground with the couple that rudely took the jewels that Sam took from somebody else. Sam approaches in his doggy attire, then transitions back and nakedly grabs the man’s gun and aims it at him. “Give me the money.”

The girl scurries to get the booty out of a truck, but she’s taking forever. The guy gets bored and starts taunting Sam about being a Transformer. Sam doesn’t take kindly to that, and wallops the hell out of the guy. The girl runs around the corner of the truck and shoots at Sam. Sam turns and shoots the girl. She dies and he gets all angsty. Flash back to the present, with Sam sitting there and looking like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” just before he discovered that you can redecorate using a common household axe.

Fangtasia, with Sookie and Eric sitting in his office. Sook: “Why are you saying that you’re not going to be around much longer?” Eric: “Don’t pretend that you care. But I do want to kiss you.” Sook: “Sounds like goodbye.” Eric: “It is.”

And we go right into some heavy kissing. I guess Sookie doesn’t mind spontaneous slap and tickle if she knows that her partner is about to be annihilated and there won’t be any embarrassing “morning after” awkwardness. But she breaks the spit-swapping for another question. “Tell me why I shouldn’t trust Bill.”

And that damn Pam chooses this moment to bang through the door. We have a situation. Out here. Eric follows Pam’s sashaying couture to the other room. Sookie stays and compares the various flavors or vampire tongue she’s had lately.

Pam: “Just give Sookie to Russell.” Eric: “No! Stay out of this.” Pam: “I can’t believe you’re choosing a human over yourself. If you’re not going to give her, then figure out how to use her.”

Cut to some street corner, where an obvious male hustler has just pulled out a cigarette. Russell approaches and holds out a light. “You have someplace we can go?”

Quick scene at Merlotte’s. Arlene to Holly: Wanna tell me about those other ways of not being pregnant? Holly nods.

Cut to Jessica looking sad. Hoyt walks in. Hoyt: “I love you and I want to marry you.” Jessica: “That’s silly.” Hoyt: There’s no reason not to. Jessica: I’ve done bad things. Hoyt: If you don’t love me, that’s one thing. Tell me you don’t. Jessica doesn’t tell him anything. So Hoyt stomps out and down the steps, where Tommy tries to tease Hoyt about the situation. Hoyt knocks Tommy to the ground with one punch. (Yay!)

Well, Tommy’s not too keen on that. He transitions to his pit bull persona, and then attacks Hoyt. It’s bad, blood spurting. Jessica runs up, and easily tosses Tommy three counties over. She kneels over the possibly fatally-injured Hoyt. “I love you, too. Now drink my blood.” Tommy watches from the bitter shadows.

Jason comes home, and Bill is there. Bill: WHERE is Sookie? Can you not do ANYTHING right? Jason: I tried! But Sookie does what she wants to do. Bill gets carried away, overly angry and derogatory. Jason commands him out of the house (“Sookie told me how.”) and Bill is forced outside, unable to return. Jason hears a noise, heads to his bedroom, and finds a blank panther. The big kitty turns into Crystal. Well, then. We knew it was coming, we just didn’t know how it was going to come.

Next we have Russell and the male hooker, post-coital. Russell is talking to the guy as if he was Talbot, so we know this isn’t going to end right. The hooker tries to leave, but Russell pulls him back, angering the boy toy. (“I told you it’s an extra 500 to bite me!”) Russell continues with his ode to Talbot and their life, and his words just get weirder. Then, holy cow, Russell whips out a stake and ends the hustler’s career, blood galore. Russell snuggles up to the body and continues talking. “So glad we had our chance to say goodbye.“

Hoo boy, that’s some messed-up action there.

Quick shot of Bill walking around outside a house, probably Sookie’s, might be his, it’s too dark.

Final scene at Fangtasia, where Eric suddenly grabs Sookie and drags her screaming to the basement. (We see Bill sensing her discomfort.) Eric chains Sookie up to that same metal pole thing where Laff, Pam and the Magister have spent some quality time.

Close-up of Sookie hollering Eric’s name. She MAD.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #155 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 9

We hit the ground running, with Eric thundering into Fangtasia and interrupting Pam as she peruses shoes on sluttyfootwear.com, bellowing “We need sanctuary!” Reacting quickly, because such rude yelling can only mean trouble is coming, Pam suggests hanging out at Sookie’s house. “We’ve both been invited in.” Eric vetoes this decision without any explanation, but I’m guessing that Sookie’s dewy freshness might distract him from matters at hand.

Then one of the pole dancer girls, Ginger or something, comes waltzing up. “The V-Feds is here!” Next thing you know, a really angry woman is leading a gang of storm troopers as they muck about the place. When Eric tries to politely explain that he has never done anything wrong in his entire life, the angry S.W.A.T. team woman decides he’s boring and hollers “Officers, silver him!”

At first, I’m not quite sure what this means, expecting something to do with a horse. Then one of the officers helpfully provides a demonstration by stomping up to Eric and putting a chunk of silver against his neck in an odd, Vulcan-death-grip kind of way. While Eric starts to slump, that trampy Ginger starts screaming her lungs out, so I’m assuming that Eric won’t be going out for ice cream.

Roll opening credits. Black gold, Texas tea.

Russ drops out of the sky back at his plantation, and then races to the library (or whatever that room is with the fireplace) and finds the Talbot goo. He wallers around in the mess, pining for his lost love and wailing. Then he spies the empty stand in the cabinet where the Viking helmet used to be. Oh?

Cut to Sookie in the shower at her house, cleaning off the Debbie debris and the Bill passion smears. Bill joins her under the water, and we have a nice montage of pretty music and glistening breasts. He heals her neck wounds with his own blood. (That is so sweet, right?) Then we have a shot of blood going down the drain in a touching tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and “Psycho”.

Once scrubbed and tingly, the two go downstairs where Sookie stumbles over a dead, naked werewolf man. Bill looks apologetic. My bad, didn’t put away my toys. Sookie sighs and tells him where to find a tarp. When he returns with such, she decides to do a bit of whining as they make a werewolf enchilada. “Normal couples do NOT do this. Just once I’d like to NOT find a dead body in my house.”

Bill: “You have to trust me!” He pauses. “You do, don’t you?”

Sookie: Well, there’s that secret file thing you’ve been keeping on me. Russell told me.

Bill: Oh, well, yeah, I have been taking a few notes. But it’s only to figure out why Eric wants you, figure out what you are.

Sookie, ignoring the fact that Eric might want her just because she’s hawt: “Do you know what I am?”

Bill: Nope, but I’m going to find out. Then they go back to scrubbing blood off the linoleum.

Over to Laff’s house, where Jesus is wearing a kimono. Laff decides to let Jesus stay the night, something he normally doesn’t do after having bumped uglies for the evening. This somehow leads to Jesus showing off his jaguar tattoo, which he finally says was his high school mascot, then Laff promptly caresses the jaguar with his tongue. And I’m thinking, what now? Are we about to be introduced to jaguar people? Because we already don’t have enough different kinds of creatures to keep track of?

Jason wanders home to find Crystal’s “ex-finace” (Felton?) in his front room as he terrorizes her. Jason whips out his trusty shotgun to get things in order. Heated words are exchanged and it appears that Crystal has told Felton that Jason kidnapped her. (What?) Then she hollers “he raped me, too!” Felton quickly attacks a stunned Jason and they tussle. Suddenly, Crystal grabs something and knocks Felton out.

Okay, this girl needs to quit playing both sides. This isn’t the Big Brother house.

Jason: “Could you not make me a rapist?”

Crystal: “He can escape handcuffs. Bring me some rope.” While Jason scampers off, Crystal searches Felton’s body and finds what looks like a baggie of V.

Back to Fangtasia, where Eric and the angry commando woman (I think her name is Nan) are discussing that the “basement is clean”, but Nan is still very suspicious about both the V supply and Russell, the missing Magister. She snaps her fingers and little underlings set up fancy webcams. Eric must now make a taped statement for “The Authority”. Oh boy.

Sams place, where Tara is sitting all quivery-like and sad, while Sam tries to comfort her. Maybe she should get some professional help? Tara: “I’m not going to a shrink!” Same gets a call from Terry. Seems Tommy is raising quite a racket over in his rented apartment. Sam splits, and Tara gets out a laptop, probably so she can finish placing Pam’s shoe order.

Fangtasia again, where Eric is explaining to mean Nan and The Authority the history of werewolves that feed on vampire blood, and how Russell is a really shady character that doesn’t want to exist with humans. Nan: “These are treasonous allegations!” (Just like your severe hairdo?) Why didn’t you tell somebody?

Eric: Uh, because The Authority has only been around for 200 years. Russell and I have known each other for a 1,000. (Check with your union steward, that gives me seniority.) And, oh yeah, my family was massacred. “I did not report because I want him to die at my own hands.”

Well, then. Nan: “The Authority will consider your case.” But I think it’s crap. She snaps her fingers again and the underlings begin loading up her Louis Vuitton interrogation gear. Eric: “But Russell is a threat, to all of us.” Nan: “Doesn’t matter. You’re on lockdown.”

Sam gets to Tommy’s (really his) apartment, and finds naked Tommy whooping it up with an equally naked tramp that he just met. Sam tries to get them to hold it down, but Tommy is all rude and cocky. It’s perfectly fine with me if anybody wants to kill off the Tommy character. Really don’t care for him.

Cut to Crystal and Jason tying the still-unconscious Felton to some tree in a field. Then Jason calls the sheriff’s office, uses an Elroy Jetson voice to report they found a surprise out here, and then they drive off. Jason, Jason, Jason. That Crystal girl got you doin’ bad stuff, sho nuff.

Quick scene the next morning, as Lafayette and Jesus get Momma all prettied up to take her back to the nuthouse. When Mom sees that Laff isn’t wearing any makeup for a change, and that Jesus might have something to do with this decision, she decides that gays might not be so bad after all. See, it’s the small things that change the world. Like mascara.

Jason and Crystal show up at the sheriff’s office (why, I don’t know) where they find “Rosie” bawling her head off. Andy explains she’s all sad because “we got a man down”. Seems they sent an officer out to investigate the call about a man tied to a tree, and there was an ambush. Crystal and Jason glance at each other. Whoopsie. Then Crystal happens to also glance at Kenya, who happens to be leading a prisoner out of the jail, who happens to be the guy that’s Crystal’s cousin. And he happens to see her, talking to the police. Whoopsie, part two. (That girl is trouble, I’m telling you.)

A bit later, Jason is in Andy’s office, trying to convince Andy that the meth lab is now dealing in V, and that we need to bust em up again. Andy hems and haws, which is his specialty, except when he’s seeing giant pigs in the woods, then agrees that if Jason can make a connection, we’ll go back to the lab and shut er down. Jason runs like the wind to tell his dangerous and illiterate girlfriend, while Andy opens a desk drawer and stares at a baggy of V.

Tara shows up for some type of group counseling. Lo and behold, she runs into Holly, that new waitress from Merlotte’s. Holly starts the session, explaining that she’s a rape survivor, and that it took a long time, but things are getting better and I “still believe people are worth trusting.” Pretty deep.

Sookie’s house, where she’s sitting on the couch and looking at a scrapbook. (Girl, put that thing down. You still have mud and stuff on the walls of the house from that crazy Mary Anne woman and her rowdy friends.) Hadley calls: Why are you still there? Anyway, I’m at the Aquarium in Monroe, there’s someone I want you to meet. Click.

Two seconds later, Sookie is running in the door of said aquarium, so she must have found a really good taxi. Hadley’s just full of chatter: Let’s see. I got involved with Sophie Anne, the vampire queen of Upper Bologna. I told her things. She told other people these things. And now lots of people are trying to kill you. It’s all my fault! Oh, and I kidnapped my own child from his daycare. Can you tell me if he’s psychic like you? And there’s a sale at the Piggly Wiggly, ten limes for a dollar.

Sookie wanders over to Hunter, the AWOL daycare statistic, and right away they can communicate with each other using only their minds. For some reason, this causes Hadley to freak. She grabs Hunter and runs out the door, yelling “the less you know, the better!” Sookie just stands there, flummoxed, while pretty fish swim in the background.

Then we’re at Merlotte’s, where Arlene is really angry about Tommy stealing her tips. Tommy is his usual worthless self, lying. Sam intervenes, telling Tommy: “I’m taking that money out of your salary.”

Second request to have the Tommy character killed off. Anybody?

Cut to Arlene sobbing in Sam’s office, because life has been too much lately, what with naked people playing rock music next door and tips getting stolen and carrying a serial killer’s baby. Enter new waitress Holly, who apparently has been hired to counsel everybody in town. She soothes Arlene, while Arlene admits to slight qualms about bringing an evil child into the world. When Arlene balks at Holly’s hint that she should just “go to a clinic”, Holly smiles mysteriously and says: “There are other ways to resolve this.”

I’m thinking these “other ways” are probably not normal ways. Just sayin.

Next we have Bill in a basement, where he is woken up by water dripping through the floorboards above him. He opens the floor door and finds himself in Sookie’s Dream Garden. That was neat. Everything is pretty and nice. Then the tranquility is interrupted by that Claudine Dream Woman, running up and hollering at Bill: “You killed her!”

That was just rude, so Bill chases her down and tries to bite, but she shoots magic energy out of her hand to throw him off. Hey, just like Sookie can do! Claudine, adjusting her diaphanous gown, warns Bill to leave Sookie alone. “We have protected her!” Bill just stands there. What ARE you?

Fangtasia, with Eric, looking really tired, and Pam, looking quite refreshed as she climbs out of her Vampire 3000 Sleep Chamber. Pam wants to know what she can do to help. Eric will not allow her to take any responsibility. Pam: We’ve been together a 100 years! (Really? Hmmm.) Why didn’t you tell me about Russell, and your family, and your odd infatuation with hair gel? We can’t just end this. Eric: Everything ends. Perhaps it’s your time to be a maker. Then they stare glumly at each other while a cold wind blows, and a discreet credit rolls across the screen: “The scene was directed by Ingmar Bergman. Fin.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Jessica is all happy and skipping, then Hoyt walks in with that Biscuit Maker girl. Jess is upset, barely able to suppress her emotions as she seats them and then stomps off. Biscuit Maker (aka Summer): “I’m so glad you chose life. Vampires are dead!”

Can’t stand her.

Crystal and Jason, somewhere. Crystal: “Tito thinks I’m a snitch!” (Her cousin.) Jason: Whatev. “Hey, we are gonna bust Hotshot!” (The meth lab thing.) Crystal, her face wrinkling: “What’s gonna happen? Those are my kin! You can’t send those kids into the system.” This is entirely too much information for Jason to digest, so he just sits there. Why doesn’t everybody get as excited about drug busts as he does? Dang it.

Lafayette and Jesus flirt over a veggie burger.

Then Laff and Tara make girl talk. Tara, about Jesus: “Is this a thing?” Just might be, hooker. She’s happy for him, but still sad, like she probably will be the rest of the series.

Biscuit Summer excuses herself to go reapply some fakeness in the Ladies’ Room, so Jessica zips up to apologize to Hoyt, and they chat. Jess: “Does she at least make you happy?” Hoyt: “I hate her.” Dolls, and show tunes, and she will NOT stop talking. Jess: Then why? Hoyt: “Beats sittin’ around thinking about you.” Which makes Jessica cry blood tears, which is always a little unnerving, and makes me think of Marilyn Manson concerts.

Fangtasia parking lot, with the V-Fed people driving up, while Russell watches from a nearby roof. He has the Talbot goo with him, in a crystal urn. He mumbles to it for a bit, swearing revenge in an overly dramatic fashion, which is stupid, because there’s no one there to see him. Then he flies into the air.

Meanwhile, down below, Nan marches into Fangtasia, reporting the ruling to Eric. “The Authority disavows any knowledge that any of this took place.” You will take care of this Russell thing on your own. This is completely off the books, and your problem. “Bring me his fangs, or I will have yours.” Then she stomps off to go kill innocent woodland creatures.

Merlotte’s again, where Crystal’s redneck daddy barges in. Sam tries to make him leave. When Daddy proves obstinate, Sam goes berserk and starts walloping the hell out of Daddy, his ferociousness stunning everybody in the room. (Well, except for Tommy, who smirks. Of course he would. Hey Sam, while you’re at it, give Tommy a serving of today’s special as well.)

Cut to Hoyt and Laff loading mangled Daddy into a car, preparing to whisk him to a hospital. Crazy, lying Crystal comes running out and wants to go with. Jason tries to stop her. She is determined. “He’s my daddy!” Despite the drinking and the beatings and the probable incest. She hops in and Laff tears out.

Tara, watching all this mess from off to the side of the parking, is wearing another one of her sad faces. Suddenly, Franklin grabs her from behind (ten points to those of you who bet he wasn’t really dead) and drags her up against a convenient shed. He has some questions for her. “Why would you try to kill the one you love?”

Tara, spitting: “I DON’T love you!”

Franklin, craziness bubbling: “You didn’t even mourn me.”

Tara: “You don’t love anything. You can’t. You’re a psychopath!”

Franklin: Really? Well, then I might have to kill you.

Tara: “Then kill me!” And she proceeds to totally read him, chewing him up and spitting him out. (Um, figuratively, that is. I forget this show’s audience sometimes, thought I’d better clarify.) It’s quite fun, really. And Tara ends with: “The second I’m gone, I’ll be free of YOU!”

Enter Jason with his shotgun.

Franklin, smirking: “I’m a vamp. I’ll heal.”

Oh, really? Jason fires anyway, and Franklin explodes into the messy goop meaning he done gone for good. Seems Jason had a wooden bullet in that there gun. How nice.

Sookie’s house, with Bill showing up, apparently past his curfew, because Sookie is all worked up about it. “Where have you been?” I’ve been so worried that I almost couldn’t finish watching “The Big Bang Theory”. Anyway, I went to see Hadley and she knows things about me and I have at least two outfits that you haven’t seen me wear.

Bill: “I think I know why they want you. I know what you ARE.”

And of course we cut away, because teasers keep the ratings up, right?

Cut to Nan in a car, heading to the airport because she needs to go be mean to people in Oregon or something. She’s snacking on a human, even though she swears to everybody else that she only swills True Blood. Anyway, her attention to the inner thigh of a young lovely is diverted when the news program she has on in the background is interrupted by something unusual.

Namely, Russell storming onto the news set and gutting the anchor with his bare hands. Then he screams at the tech people to keep things running. “My name is Russell Edgington.” And then he goes on a long-winded, elaborate rant, waving about the section of spine he just ripped from the hapless anchor, who is suddenly getting the best ratings he will ever have, he just won’t be able to enjoy them. (And what is it with the older vampires using so many words? Does it come from having all that time on their hands?)

Anyway, Russell wraps it up with this: “In the end, we are nothing like you. We drink the true blood. The AVL is trying to hide from you. Mine is the true face of vampires. Why would we seek equal rights? We are NOT equal. We will eat you. After we eat your children.

And now, time for the weather. Tiffany?”

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #147 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 7

We start out with Lorena still feasting on the squirming Sookie, blood flying. Apparently Sook has some secret sauce in her veins, because Lorena suddenly leans her head back and utters “What ARE you?” This position allows Bill to wrap a chain around Lorena’s neck and pull her down on top of him. Then he yells for Sookie to run get a pointy stick, which sounds reasonable.

In a neat trick, Bill holds Lorena above him while Sookie rams the stick through mean ole Lorena. This causes her to, basically, burst into a geyser of blood, with muck splashing everywhere. (Very visual, kudos to the art department.) Then Sookie drops down to check on Bill. He’s at least unconscious or possibly dead. (It’s hard work holding a gushing woman up like that, especially if you’ve just been the main course for some redneck werewolf people.) When Bill doesn’t respond, Sookie starts screaming for help because she’s trained in that skill.

Roll opening credits. Ugly people on parade, with some suggested fornication.

A van rushes up to the stable, with Tara and Alcide inside. They just want to rescue Sookie, because that’s all that’s on the requisition slip, and Tara still hasn’t gotten over Bill not lifting a finger when Tara was tied to a strange bed. But Sookie is adamant. “I’m not leaving here without him!” Sookie bangs around a bit, trying to get Bill unlocked from the Lorena chains, which allows plenty of time for that trashy Debbie tramp to come come running in the door with a gun. She does not look pleased about the uninvited dinner guests.

Cut to Sam driving his car up to some hillbilly with a shotgun. Sam tries to act all country. “I’m here for the fights.” The hillbilly, having watched enough CSI episodes down at the free clinic, is immediately suspicious. (Perhaps the copy of “Redneck for Dummies” he spies on the front seat tipped him off.) He cocks his shotgun, forces Sam to hand over his own weapon, and sends Sam away. Then the hillbilly goes back to his whittling and inbreeding.

Back to the horse stable, with Debbie being twitchy and waving her gun about. Alcide tries to calm her down. “You loved me once.” Instead of this sentiment causing Debbie to just toss the gun aside like everyone hopes, she instead has grievances to air. “You wouldn’t even give me a baby!” (The though of Debbie offspring is scarier than anything we’ve seen in the episode.) Alcide: “It’s never too late.”

What does THAT mean? Does he intend to skank about in the Lorena soup just so Debbie will shut up? I believe that would be pushing the “take one for the team” concept to entirely unnecessary level.

Tara sends Sookie a mind-thought to cause a distraction so Tara can then jump on the Debbie bitch. Sookie screams (see above-mentioned training), Tara flies through the air and wallops Debbie, and then that dumb-ass Cooter guy has to wander in and screw things up. So Alcide shoots him, because that was just rude timing on Cooter’s part. Of course, watching this-week’s boyfriend breathe his last sends Debbie the rest of the way over the edge.

Debbie screams and hollers while Alcide holds a gun on her so Sookie and reluctant Tara can drag Bill toward the van. When Debbie suddenly starts speaking in a creepy “The Exorcist” voice, Alcide has had enough and locks in her the stable. Why he didn’t just shoot her, I don’t know. It’s not like anybody would even bother to put Debbie’s face on the back of a milk carton.

Tara and Sookie are standing at the van, with Tara poking at the pile of Bill with a disgusted foot. “He ain’t gonna make it!”. Alcide joins them in staring at bloody Bill. Their gazing is interrupted when we hear a bark and here come some unhappy werewolves. Uh oh. Our gang piles in the van and peels out.

Cut to Jason lounging in his boxer shorts, while Hoyt is putting his clothes back on. (Excuse me?) They are babbling about Crystal (Jason: “I love her!”. Hoyt: “I bet her middle name’s Meth.”) and how Jason can find out more about his rural dream girl. Hoyt suggests Jason go talk to the drug dealer in the town jail, since he must be related to people who lie about fiances while living in a grungy trailer park.

While Jason dashes off to figure out what one wears when interrogating drug dealers, Hoyt hears a knock at the door. He opens it to find Summer, that annoying girl he went on a date with the other night. She’s holding a covered dish, so you know there’s going to be trouble.

Quick scene with Sam in the woods, stripping down to his birthday suit so he can transition into a dog. Then he trots off to save the day. Or at least clean himself with his tongue.

Hoyt and Summer again. She’s on some monologue about baked goods, the love and attention she lavished on the home-made butter, and the fact that she has plans for Hoyt. “I really want you to taste my biscuits.” At this startling bit of news, Jason wanders in, proceeds to taste the biscuits because it’s instinct with him to taste anything he sees, and is so moved by the deliciousness he encounters that he announces Hoyt and Summer should immediately begin making babies.

Cut to Sophie the Queen’s mansion, where she’s locked up in some cage thing and not really impressed with her accommodations. Eric walks up to Sophie, dragging along “her human” (Hadley? Something like that.) and threatening to drain Hadley for good if Sophie doesn’t spill the goods on Sookie. As Eric starts in on his snack, Sophie first claims to know nothing, then offers that you can’t trust Russell (well, THAT’S obvious, no need to bite anybody to learn such), and finally decides to be belligerent. Do what you want with my toy, she’s nothing to me.

Which was probably not a good move, since Hadley stirs in Eric’s lethal embrace, and warbles “I’ll tell you.” (By the way, I’m Sookie’s cousin, so good of you to drop by for a visit.) Hadley whispers something juicy in Eric’s ear while Sophie seethes and wrinkles her couture. Eric, news received: “I certainly wasn’t expecting THAT.”

Then they cut away, because it would be a damn shame if we actually learned something around here.

Quick scene at the hillbilly dog-fight compound, with Sam trotting up and wagging his tail. Somebody grabs a leash.

In the back of the van, Sookie is still struggling to keep Bill alive. “Give me a sign!” Then she reaches over, snatches up a handy giant-toothed saw that just happened to by lying there, and proceeds to cut open her arm. (Seriously, she couldn’t find something smaller?) Sookie lets some of her blood drip into Bill’s mouth. It does more than the trick, as Bill suddenly springs into action and tears into Sookie’s pretty little throat. Poor Sookie. Everybody in this episode wants to eat her.

Jason at the jail, trying to talk to the drug dealer in his cell. At first he’s all street, but that gets boring so he gets to the point and asks what the man knows about Crystal. Well, turns out this guy is her cousin, and he would be more than happy to give Jason some intel. On one condition. He needs some meth, and he needs it bad. (He twitches to show just how serious he is about this.) Jason ponders, and then nosey Deputy Assistant Temporary Acting Sheriff Andy strolls up and orders Jason to go wash more police cars. Preferably with his shirt off and lots of splashed water.

The van is now at the side of the road, so Alcide can go tinkle. (We’re running from vicious wolves and Bill is on the cusp of dying without having finished his Monuments of New Jersey jigsaw puzzle, but Alcide can’t just clench?) Tara goes to check on Sookie, opens the back door, and discovers extremely bloody and tragic-looking Sookie sprawled next to an energized but confused Bill.

Well, Tara ain’t gonna put up with that mess. She jumps in the van, throws Bill out, screams for Alcide to zip it up NOW, and then they fly down the road, leaving Bill in the sunlight. Well, would you look at that? Sure, Bill’s skin is smoking a wee bit, but none of that bursting into agonized flames business. Delighted, Bill runs off into the woods, because that’s just what you do around here until they get a new picture at the drive-in.

Quick scene with Dog Sam at the hillbilly compound, transitioning back into Human Sam so we can get brief glimpses of nudity before he races off to save… somebody too stupid to save themselves.

Cut to an Emergency Room, with Sookie and lots of medical procedures. They try to give her a blood transfusion, but she’s not being cooperative and tries to steal the scene by having a seizure of some kind. A bit later, some doctor is telling Tara that Sookie’s in a bad way. She’s lost a lot of blood (On this show? Imagine!), her body rejected the transfusion of O-negative, which anybody should be able to accept, and, oh yeah, Sookie has a blood type that nobody on this planet has ever seen. Cue dramatic music while Tara’s eyes widen.

Back to the dog-fighting compound. Trashy Momma is there, chain-smoking while she gets teary-eyed as (presumably) Tommy Doggie gets ready for his first rumble. Over in the dog pens, Sam sets off an alarm and then opens all the pens to set the Benji’s free. As rednecks scatter to the wind cause the po-po is comin’, Sam runs to the ring and makes Tommy transition back and orders Nasty Daddy to give Tommy his clothes. (I shut my eyes in absolute terror of seeing Nasty Daddy naked again.)

Jason goes to Merlotte’s, trying to get Lafayette to give him some meth. Laff gets offended cause he a high-class dealer, pushing V and not that cheap-ass meth. While they bicker, Jason gets a call from Tara. “Sookie’s in a coma. You need to get here.”

Back to the dogs. Sam yells at Trashy Momma and Nasty Daddy, belittling their parenting skills. Then he makes Tommy come with him as they stomp off. Nasty Daddy: “We’ll get him back.” Trashy Momma: You’re a pig and I hate you. (Yet gay people can’t get married? Sheesh.)

Over to the hospital, with some Pollyanna social worker trying to get Jason to understand the phrase “next of kin”. Jason: “I ain’t responsible.” Laff sends Polly off to arrange religious brochures, then Jason explains to Tara and Laff about Sookie’s medical history. She never got sick, never went to the hospital, wasn’t even borned in one. Popped out right there on the dining room table.

Tara blames it all on Bill, and is personally triumphant that she left Bill to burn up on the side of the road. (“Good riddance!”) Then Jason says some tender things to the comatose Sookie, followed by Tara with her own endearments. Then Laff tells them to both quit using cuss words as he reapplies his makeup and adjusts his embroidered headscarf with the depiction of The Last Supper at Studio 54.

Then things get a little weird.

Sookie, possibly in a dream sequence, or maybe it’s a special matinee showing of a near-death travelogue. She’s all pretty in her hospital bed, but prettiness is not enough so she gets out of bed, grabs a nice crystal goblet, and then walks across rose petals, out of the room and down the hall. A door flies open and we go through.

We find ourselves in a nice Garden of Eden, with Enya on the soundtrack and people dancing about wearing billowy clothing from “Xanadu Boutique”. Some chick named Claudine saunters up to Sookie. “Always getting into trouble, aren’t you? Oh look, your glass is empty.” (A phrase which, really, could apply to most of the people on this show.)

Our chatty host leads Sookie to a small pond, where the shiny water glimmers with unearthly dazzle. And apparently it’s very tasty, because Sookie gulps it down like a pig in mud. Claudine: “You’ve had it before.” Then Angelina Jolie rises out of the water and wanders off to adopt something.

And now we’re at the real hospital, with Laff reciting something very moving and beautiful. Tara nods her head approvingly. Jason just nods, period, because those are some really big words and he’s trying to stay awake.

Back to the Dancing Garden, where Claudine is requesting of Sookie: “Don’t go back. Come with us.” Then Sookie starts reading Claudine. Something about her parents. “It wasn’t the water that killed them.”

What?

Real hospital again. Bill shows up. “I can save her!” Tara don’t want NONE of that. Heated discussion ensues.

And the Dancing Garden again, where now the wind is blowing and it’s getting dark, which is a sign for the effeminate boys and diaphanous girls to run and jump in the pond. (That would be MY first instinct.) Claudine, doing double duty as both hostess and Julie on the Love Boat, is shoving people in the pond while still begging Sookie. “You have to come with us. He will steal your light!” Then everybody’s gone, and Sookie, not sure what might be next on the agenda, falls to the pretty ground and looks sad.

Real hospital. Jason, giving his consent to Bill. “Do it.” When Tara and Laff start to fuss in a chorus of dissatisfaction, Jason cuts them off. “It’s my call.” Bill unhooks Sookie’s IV from the little pole thing and shoves it into his arm.

Very quick scene with Sam and Tommy in the car, driving to wherever. No one says a word. Perhaps the script pages for this scene got sucked into the Angelina Pond during the stampede of anorexic angel people running from the darkness and Sookie’s tacky outfit.

Over to the basement of Fangtasia, where the Magister is still torturing Pam for wearing high-heeled shoes or whatever. He has some sterling silver earrings from Tiffany’s that he wants to use in piercing Pam’s eyelids. (Good times, right?) Eric suddenly flash-whizzes down the cellar stairs. “That’s enough!” Magister, not impressed: “Is Bill with you.” Eric: “No, but the Queen is.”

Oh? They finally have the Magister’s full attention. He gleefully prepares to arrest the Queen.

Russell waltzes in and informs the Magister: “You may call me King.” And oh, by the way, “I no longer recognize The Authority.” Magister: “That’s a cardinal sin!” Russell: As if I care. And there’s more good news. “The Queen has accepted my marriage proposal!” (Shot of Sophie looking anything but pleased with this nuptial arrangement.) “Now I just want you to recognize us.” When the Magister declines, Russell does his own speed-whiz movements, replacing Pam with the Magister in that torture chamber thing.

Then Russell grabs a smoking spike weapon and waves it about menacingly.

Hospital room again, with folks lying about in fitful slumber. Sookie awakens, tosses her head prettily, gazes upon her devoted family and friends with a gentle smile, and then she spies Bill marching toward her bed. And she promptly begins to scream her head off.

Back to the Fangtasia basement. Russell is stabbing the Magister with his evil walking stick. “Just say the words!” The Magister is being all petulant about it, but finally tires of being poked full of smoking holes. Fine. “I hereby pronounce you man and wife.”

Sophie the Queen, dripping sarcasm: “I’m so happy I could bleed.”

Russell then decides to give a lengthy oratory, probably having thought for a long time about this moment of ascension. We are now going to obey the One Law, the Law of Nature. We will take the world back from the humans! Or some such. Eventually, Russell gets pretty worked up and it’s not clear what he might do next.

Eric intervenes, trying to get Russell to just leave now that he’s been recognized. “Shall we?”

Russell starts to follow, then suddenly whirls around and chops the Magister’s head clean off.

“Say hello to the True Death.”

Well, then.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #143 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 6

We start off really fast, with Russell and his minions dragging Sookie and Bill into his plantation house. (Something tells me there won’t be any mint juleps served.) Amid the commotion, Lorena comes running down the curving staircase, because people are doing things and she wants to be a part of it. Likewise, Eric races in from another room, where he was probably playing “Viking Death Match” on the XBOX.

Russell throws Bill on the Italian-marbled floor, making it clear that this is not a social event with pleasantries and dancing.

Bill, not enjoying having his face slide on the floor, fancy marble or whatever, leaps to his feet and kills one of the extras. He then jumps on Russell’s back, either intent on a rambunctious parlor game or bloody vengeance. Regardless, Russell merely belches, and Bill is slammed into the ceiling. (Russell: “I’m 3,000 years old! What were you thinking?)

Bill, spitting out plaster, screams to Eric. “Get Sookie out of here!”

Eric does not. Instead, after watching Sookie suddenly do some freaky dance move of unknown power, turns to Russell and says: “I don’t know what it is, but it’s quite valuable.”

Roll opening credits. Toothless. Skanky. Gospel. Happy dancing for Jesus.

Sookie screams at Eric: “I will never, ever forgive you for this!” Then she tussles with strange men in black.

Talbot, very unhappy about the damaged ceiling thing, makes disparaging comments about Russell, and then flees upstairs to find some soothing chiffon. Russell, excusing himself to go “save his marriage”, starts after him, but not before turning to Lorena. “Take Bill out to the stables and kill him.” Then he goes in search of queens with misplaced priorities.

Sookie to Lorena: “You kill him, I will kill YOU.”

Lorena to Sookie: “Bring it.” Or something like that. The baring of fangs is involved.

Cut to Merlotte’s, where some whiny diner is making life miserable for Arlene. The diner has just placed a meticulous food order two seconds before the restaurant closes. Sighing, and hating, Arlene marches up to Lafayette and Jesus at the pool table. “You have to cook. Chicken-fried steak. With extra gravy on the side.” Laff and Jesus scurry into the kitchen to do just that.

Meanwhile, Arlene is cutting fresh lemons for the bitchy dining patron with needs. The sight of blood causes Jessica’s fangs to pop. Arlene is not pleased.

Cut to Jason and Crystal still making whoopee by the lake. Crystal: “I ain’t no virgin.” Then she flips him over and straddles his nether region. Jason: “Don’t hurt me. Or not.” Crystal: “I ain’t into any pervert stuff.” (Then honey, you might be in the wrong town.) Jason: “I meant, don’t break my heart.” Awww. But this only causes Crystal to get all sad. Then she sniffs something in the air, and proclaims “Gotta go. This can’t happen, it’s too dangerous.”

What?

Sookie and Eric, some random room at the plantation. Sookie: So this business about you caring for me was all crap. Eric: “You mean NOTHING to me. Do NOT get in my way.” Then Russell wanders in, buckling his pants. (I guess Talbot was treated to something better than chiffon.) Russell orders Eric out, then “Tell me what you are.” Sookie: “I’m a waitress.” Russell: “Don’t try my patience.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where the cranky diner is still eating and complaining. Arlene just wants to go, concerned that her kids have been left with Terry too long. (I would be, too.) But uh oh, Jessica informs her that Laff is already gone, off to play with Jesus. Meaning Arlene is ALONE with Jessica. Arlene clutches the cross around her neck. “This cross is GOLD!”

Jessica rolls her eyes, marches over to Hateful Helen still munching in her booth, glamors her to leave all her money on the table, and then proceed to the Ladies’ Room. The diner does just that, and then Jessica slips into said bathroom and finally gets her own dinner. Arlene, clueless, is nonetheless very pleased with her tip.

Lafayette and Jesus, parked on some Lover’s Lane and making googly eyes, learning a bit about each other. Eventually, Jesus asks for just a kiss. (“No sex on the first date. Gives us something to look forward to.” How sweet.)

Russell and Sookie, with Russell fiddling with a fire poker in a menacing way. Russell: “Are you going to answer my questions?” Sookie: “I’ll answer one, then you answer one.” They discuss the telepath thing, which basically gets nowhere, then Sookie wants to know if Lorena is going to kill Bill. (Quentin Tarantino suddenly starts paying attention, off in some bunker, plotting his next movie.) Russell: She’ll take her time, but yes. Sookie: Please stop her. (I’m thinking Sookie doesn’t fully comprehend her place in the chain of command.)

Russell pulls out the supposed file that Bill was keeping on her bloodline. She doesn’t care. Russell: What’s up with the electrical discharge flying out of your hands? Sookie: No clue. Russell: “You really don’t know anything, do you?”

Lorena in the stable, with Bill shirtless and chained to the floor. Lorena: “I do miss the 1930’s.” Bill makes disparaging remarks to indicate that Lorena is a bitch. Perhaps not his best move. She takes a scalpel thing and slices down his chest, then cuts her own skanky self, mixing the blood. “I will be inside you now.” Bill, finally realizing that bitterness might not be the best option, says “I wish I could have known you before you were turned. I would have liked to seen you smile with light in your eyes, not darkness.” Which is pretty romantic, really. Lorena, crying, slashes his face with the scalpel.

Guess that didn’t work.

Cut to Franklin and Tara, with her still tied to whatever bed they are in. She’s still playing her “pretend that I love him” card, straining against her bonds to kiss him with mediocre passion. Franklin stupidly mentions that Sookie is in da house. This just lights more of a fire under Tara, and not in the way he envisions. She asks him to untie her, so they can make beasty love. He does, and they transgress, with him proclaiming “Bite me. Open me up!”

Tara: “You don’t have to ask me twice.” Then she rips half his neck off with her teeth. This is not the Disney Channel.

Talbot and Eric are playing cards, with Talbot revealing that he and Russell have been together for 700 years. (Good God. Can you imagine how much they must be on each other’s nerves by now?) Russell comes marching up, tossing Sookie to some more men in black standing around. “Lock her up and get the car ready.” He turns to Eric. “Come with me.”

Talbot, left out of the party once again, wails and rushes off somewhere to commiserate with something pretty. Russell tells Eric: “We’re going to go see an old friend of yours.” (Cleopatra?)

The men in black toss Sookie into the room that once held Bill. (I guess they got that bed fixed, eh?) Sookie bursts into tears, because that seems to be her go-to reaction lately. Then she gets a mind-read of Tara. “I will find you. We leave in the morning.”

Shot of messy Tara on a bed, belching a bit of blood while Franklin slumbers behind her. That girl is going to have issues from now on.

Russell and Eric in the car. Russell: “What is your relationship to Miss Stackhouse?” Eric: “I do not get attached to humans.” (Yeah, right.) Russ: “Lorena says you killed one of my werewolves.” (Oops.) Eric: “In self-defense.” Then Russell goes off on a history lesson, babbling about the wolves protecting him forever, how he gives them blood and all. Wasn’t it nice when humans didn’t smell like car exhaust? Eric: “I remember EVERYTHING. Wait, wasn’t that our exit back there?”

Laff and Jesus are at Laff’s subdued (not) house, with Jesus explaining that the little figurines he has decorated with are actually very powerful beings, and that he must make sacrifices and such. This revelation makes Laff horny and they start kissing again.

Suddenly, sounds of destruction from outside. Jesus and Mary race to investigate, and find drunken rednecks getting all Carrie Underwood on Laff’s fancy car. During the brawling and the yelling, which the rednecks lose, Jesus learns about Laff’s part-time business. Jesus: “You’re a drug dealer? You sell V? Take me back to my car.”

Well, then. Their relationship lasted less then twenty-fours hours. Just like that weird Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett thing from back in the day.

We’re at the Louisiana Queen’s house (Sophie Anne? Something like that.), with her playing with lotto tickets and reminding us that she has red hair. Russell waltzes in with a flower and proposes marriage. Apparently not for the first time. Sophie: “I’ve turned you down countless times.” Discussion ensues, harsh words are exchanged, and Russell finally yells “You are NO queen.” And Russell should know, right?

To make things more exciting, Eric storms in and tackles Sophie, slamming her to the ground. (Her jewelry is still pretty, though.) Eric renounces his allegiance to the Queen. The Queen refuses to release him. (Was there an issue with the paperwork?) Eric, who is apparently much older than Sophie and therefore can do this, decides to just kill her. Russell stops him. Not sure why.

Eric sidles up to Russell and basically caresses him, (which is odd, what‘s going on with THAT?), then he goes to “restrain the queen”. Russell wanders off to find somebody else to marry him.

Cut to the horse stable, where it appears that Lorena has used every surgical cutting device known to man on Bill. He’s still alive, though, and feisty. They continue to argue while Lorena occasionally licks her some Bill off of one of the implements. Bill thinks she’s too wicked and mean. She begs to differ, adding some oregano to her snack. Bill: “I welcome death. I will finally be free of the disease that is YOU.”

Just then, Cooter and some tramp bust through the door, thinking that Lorena should be done playing death doctor by now and wanting the left-overs. Lorena: “Suck whatever’s left.” And they do, in an extended scene which shows that these two actors have spent far too much time imagining what they would do if they could just eat a vampire.

Now we’re at Sam’s house, with he and Tommy watching some crap on TV. (The left-wingers just want equal rights. The right-wingers don’t because then they can‘t feel superior. Blah. Blah.) Sam: What’s the deal with Joe Lee? Tommy: I just hate him. Sam: There’s something messed up going on here and we’re gonna talk about it.

Sam and Tommy’s mom shows up with a big pan of fritters, because that’s just what you do in small towns. Mommy Beeriest would like to speak with her youngest alone, so Sam runs off to put the fritters on the lunch menu, because you also do THAT in small towns. Then Mommy slaps Tommy. Oh?

She mad. Joe Lee has stayed by her side all these years, while she did something mysterious to make ends meet. Now her back is out of whack, so it’s Tommy’s turn to bring home the bacon. Or the fritters, whatever they are using for currency in this place. “Sam won’t help us once he knows the truth!”

Why do I have the feeling that the truth involves either questionable sexual activities and/or a surplus of toothless people handling snakes?

Back to the plantation, where we see Bloody Tara slip out of Franklin’s bed, grab a mace thing off the wall (how convenient!) and wallop the hell out of Franklin. Blood everywhere while Tara wears a white gown. (Just like that movie “Carrie!” Only without Sissy Spacek. Or Piper Laurie, Or, I don’t know, anybody we actually know.) Tara, satisfied that Franklin will not be making the wedding, or anything, tomorrow night, grabs her clothes and skedaddles.

Jason drives up to some shack, then goes to the door whilst lugging a bouquet of flowers. Some ugly yokel answers. Jason inquires if Miss Crystal is taking gentleman callers at the moment. She ain’t. She glares at Jason. “Who are you? Leave me and my fiance alone!” She mean. Jason, totally confused, scampers away. Why is nobody allowed to have healthy relationships on this show?

Tara again, approaching the guard outside Sookie’s door, bellowing some story about feeding Sookie almonds so she’ll taste better because Talbot said so. The guard lets her in, so she and Sookie beat him to death with a handy vase. Then they run. These people are getting a lot of exercise this episode.

Over to Merlotte’s, where Lafayetta is mean to Arlene because Jesus has forsaken him, Sam is looking for Tommy, and Arlene wants to know why his family gets to have pets and she doesn’t. Something about seeing a pit bull over at Nasty Daddy and Trashy Momma’s rent house. This bit of news causes Sam to run out the door, and he finds that Tommy is missing from Sam’s house. Uh oh. We knew that boy was trouble.

Quick scene with Sookie and Tara, running for freedom. Sookie wants to save Bill, of course, but Tara doesn’t think he’s all that anymore, especially since he was fine with Franklin tying her up and making her wear dowdy nightwear. They part ways.

Merlotte’s again, where Sam is quizzing Acting Chief Andy about any dog fights that might be going on. Seems Andy did hear something about that going on over to the Humpandrun Parish. Sam jumps in his car, ensures his trusty gun is in the glove box, blows a kiss at himself in the mirror, and then tears down the road, nearly running Jason and his vehicle into a tree.

Jason, because he’s distracted very easily, forgets where he was going and instead decides to harass some couple he sees playing slap and tickle in another car. Turns out the couple is that cocky high-school quarterback and some floozy with a squeaky voice. Jason pretends that he’s issuing the boy a citation for “lewd behavior”, which in Jason’s book means slam the perp onto the hood of the car. (The floozy screams a lot, because she understands succeeding in the acting world is all about upstaging.) We don’t like the quarterback, so we’re fine with the senseless brutality in principle, but what is UP with Jason?

Sookie is approachins the Stable of Blood and Knives, when the door suddenly flies open. Cooter and Snatchetta race out, all high and stuff from their Bill binge. They trippin’, acting all ate up with the dumbass and having visions. Sookie mutters “Trash!” and then heads inside.

Tara is still running like the wind when she suddenly spies a wolf. This could turn ugly. Luckily, it doesn’t, because this time it’s really Alcide. He transitions back, meaning he’s all naked as he approaches Tara. Alcide: “I’m lookin’ for Sookie.” Tara: “You got a car?” Notice she doesn’t ask “you got some pants?”. He fine.

Final scene, Sookie’s in the stable, hovering over Bloody Bill on the floor. “Say something. Don’t be dead! Not after everything we’ve been through!” She wrinkles her face and stuff, pleading and showing her torment by wringing her hands and lovingly touching his manly chest. Bill’s eyes pop open. He’s alive! Yay!

Then Lorena appears, throws Sookie against the wall in a very rude manner, snarls “This is all your fault!”, and then proceeds to go all Donner Party on Sookie’s neck. Sookie, never one to let anyone else have the last word in a scene, starts screaming and emoting unkind thoughts about Lorena’s antisocial behavior. But at least Sookie’s hair looks pretty in the firelight.

Roll end credits.