10 Totally Astonishing Things That Are Happening Around Me Right Now

Setting the scene: I’m at Tierney’s Café and Tavern. (This being a Friday night, no one should be the slightest bit shocked.) At the threat of physical violence and dismemberment, I have been banned from doing a Live Blog due to the sudden arrival of several co-workers who have made it very clear that their actions will NOT be captured for posterity. Fine. Plan B: Some commentary about what I’m seeing as I sit here, creatively restricted, but unable to fully contain myself…


1. The apparent Day Care facility that has been incorporated into the area around the pool table.
There are two highly-frenetic children who are bouncing off the walls. They are firmly convinced that nothing is worth saying unless you can scream it at the top of your lungs. As an added embellishment, they also feel that anything they do, at all, should be accompanied by the flinging about of any loose object they can find. I instantly hate them.

I stop our server. Perhaps he could share some details about why the urchins are leaping about down yonder. Well, it seems that these heathens belong to the cook. Everybody loves the cook. She makes incredible delicacies and she shows up to work on time. Ergo, it’s okay with management if the offspring frolic until secondary child-care arrangements are made. Okay, then.

Then the munchkins discover a pair of hula hoops. Where in the HELL did they find those in this place? Seriously. Why would drunken people need large plastic rings? Anyway, there they go, whirling and grinding and gyrating. Screaming with joy the entire time. Why is energy wasted on the clueless young, and withheld from the older folks who actually need it just to get out of bed?

2. Everybody wants to be an interior designer.
So this troupe of low-rent Junior League types clatters in the door, all fake-baked and sporting enough jewelry to fund a mid-range corporate takeover. High-heels clicking, they wander all over the main seating area of the bar, trying to determine which of the many table options will satisfy their needs. Apparently none of them.

So the trollops throw down their purses, roll up their sleeves, and then start shoving furniture left and right. Chairs fly through the air and table condiments skitter across the floor. We have huffing and puffing and designer silk shirts becoming moist and clingy. Finally, the city officials leave after having signed the construction permit, and the Design Star wannabes sit their asses down.
For roughly three seconds.

Then one of them glances out the enormous floor-to-ceiling windows, that have been there this entire time, and discover that there is patio seating available. So off they go, thundering out the door, where they immediately start pulling up paver stones and uprooting the shrubbery. I race to the patio door and throw the lock. Then pull the curtains closed.

3. The ceiling fans are not on. None of them.
It’s 98 degrees outside, and the front door keeps flopping open as people rush inside for draft beer, meaning blasts of Texas heat wash across the room every three seconds. I don’t know who is responsible for this oversight, but that person must die.

4. Lewisville, Texas has some butt-ugly people.
I really don’t know how such a high concentration of mirror-challenged citizens could populate one area. And we’re not talking “oh, she could be a little cuter with a nice rinse job”. No, we have ventured into “you poor thing, you will never marry” territory. The only real career path these people could have is volunteering to be a replacement bait if the chum runs out on the fishing boats.

Holy cow, did lightning just strike nearby? Wonder what that’s all about?

5. No matter where you go, some men are homophobic in the restroom.
Okay, here’s the deal. I just want to pee. I’m not in the bathroom for entertainment or dating opportunities. I don’t want to see your business. Don’t thrust your crotch against the urinal so that the danglies aren’t open for interpretation. Don’t scream and run into a stall, slamming the door and triple-locking the access. And the most irritating thing? Most of these guys who are so intent on hiding the jewels from predators firmly belong in Entry Number 4 above. Your tackle does not even remotely interest me.

6. Karaoke is scary.
I understand that alcohol emboldens some people who would otherwise simply eat their salad and leave. Sadly, alcohol also convinces completely untalented people that they should get on a stage and bellow like the Love Boat is setting sail. And what songs do they pick? Songs that I previously praised and loved. It’s totally demoralizing and life-altering to have something you used to sing along with on the radio turned into a mating call for chimpanzees.

It’s hard to go on after this happens.

Oh, and don’t get me started on the evil clapping. If someone staggers on the stage, vomits out a song while doing hideous dance moves inspired by some ill-advised hookup with Satan, and then manages to fall down and shove the microphone through their mouth and out the back of their head, this person should not be rewarded. Do NOT applaud and encourage. It’s cruel. Especially for me, because they might sing again. We should hear crickets chirping, not adoration.

7. Really efficient servers can be deadly.
It’s very nice that my nearly-depleted beer is immediately replaced with a fresh frosty. Great attention to detail. But this leads to confusion and mayhem. Before you know it, the constant flow has lead to over-exuberance in the social spectrum. You love everybody. You mistakenly believe that everybody loves you. Random sex could potentially take place. And we all know, after a certain age, that spontaneous couplings lead to degradation and shame-filled clothing retrieval in the morning.

8. People disappear for inordinate amounts of time.
How is it that your friends, who were just sitting at your table and conversing about pointless but amusing things, can suddenly wander off and not be seen for three hours? What activities are taking place in the shadowy nether regions of this bar that people get sucked in and apparently enter an alternate universe? They finally stumble back to your table around Last Call, eyes aglow with adventure and satisfaction, and you realize that something is truly missing from your life.

9. Despite all rumors and news reports, Tammy Wynette is not dead.
She just walked in the front door. Five of her. There was an immediate altercation concerning the use of mascara, hairspray, and big-hair zoning regulations. Nobody stood by their man, and fake eyelashes were found in the most surprising places.

10. The mystifying synchronicity of people watching the sports games on the various TV’s.
This never fails to get my attention. No one in the entire bar is paying the tiniest bit of attention to what’s happening on the TV’s, but at the absolute second that a team or player does something extraordinary, like score or put something in a hole, 74% of the bar will erupt in a frenzy of maddened worship and celebration. How do these people know something has happened? They can’t even say their own names at this point, but some base instinct has been triggered. I guess I’m missing that gene. And I am truly thankful that such is the case. Word.

10.5 Did I order this?

Live Blog #6 - Here Comes the Rain Again

5:16p  And here we go, sitting at Tierney’s with netbook ready…

5:17p  Delta Jo expresses fear that one of her long-time acquaintances might show up here one day and terrorize the planet. Something about “mean drunk”. We all gaze briefly out the window, searching for signs of impending doom and excessive alcohol.

5:18p  And we discover that it’s pouring down rain again. Why does it never rain in this state unless I’m sitting in Tierney’s? This needs to be studied.

5:21p  Apiphany is greatly agitated about a social invitation she has received. Not certain of the details, but there was a disturbance in the past concerning the abduction of a purse and car theft. Apiphany lives on the edge.

5:24p  Delta Jo announces that her house is only 5 minutes away. She suggests that perhaps one day we should sally forth and view her estate. I have known Delta Jo for twenty years and I have never been invited to her abode. This is a pivotal moment. I wipe away a tear.

5:25p  Apiphany: “Bunny does a reach around.”

5:25p  Apipahny: “I wanted him to bring me a big one.”

5:27p  It’s rather crowded in here for this early in the evening. This could be either a good thing or a bad thing. I’ll keep you posted.

5:29p  Delta Jo: “He ate all this cabbage and put himself in a wet suit.”

5:29p  Mikala joins us at the table. He’s waiting for some folks to show for some adventure he is planning which involves them marching out into the wilderness and hitting some other bars. Not sure. All I know is that I’m not going anywhere for a while. Pass.

5:32p  Apiphany: “What are we listening to?”

5:32p  I’m guessing it’s country. There’s wailing and acoustic guitars. No mention yet of anybody leaving somebody, but I’m sure it’s coming.

5:35p  Delta Jo: “I made a puddle.”

5:36p  Delta Jo: “You’ll have to tell me about that wet spot thing.”

5:37p  Delta Jo: “Have you ever watched that Bill Cosby thing where people try to walk like they’re not drunk?”

5:37p  Delta Jo is getting featured far too prominently. Other people need to start speaking and not just sitting there, pining for catfish strips and staring at the rain like they’ve never seen things falling from the sky.

5:39p  There is some type of disturbance near the jukebox involving people standing and pointing. Apiphany’s still at our table, and her clothes are on, so she’s not the source of the disruption.

5:40p  In an amazing display of coordination and talent, I manage to drop a dollop of tartar sauce directly on top of my wi-fi stick. That thing is about two millimeters wide. How in the hell?

5:42p  Ray-Wow is behind me, babbling about the technical difficulties of some device that is giving her trouble. She needs Apiphany’s assistance. They put their heads together and whisper strategy. The world trembles in fear.

5:45p  Another server comes and inquires on the blog thing. We inform her that she must select an alias so we can mention her in the blog. She’s not really interested in that. Instead, she has some procedural questions. Like how do you get people to find and follow your blog.

5:46p  Honey, if I knew THAT, I sure as hell wouldn’t be sitting HERE.

5:54p  Delta Jo: “Being a team lead sucked the life out of me.” I hear ya, sister. Total suckage. The remembered pain brings more tears, so it looks like this is going to be a very emotional evening. It’s wet outside, we might as well be wet in here.

5:56p  Delta Jo notices some people banging around with some equipment on the other side of the room. “When old people set up speakers it makes me nervous.”

5:58p Apiphany: “Why not do it until somebody gets hurt?”

6:00p  Delta Jo: “If it weren’t for her nose and her eyelashes, her face would be flat.”

6:01p  Delta Jo: “This is fascinating. I can’t wait to see what happens here.”

6:03p  Delta Jo: “There could be a rufie in that for all we know. It’s part of his evil plan.”

6:04p  Blinda makes an appearance. Two seconds later, Sage and Gin-and-Tonika waltz up as well. Hayyyy.

6:05p  General mayhem and the sounds of construction as we manipulate seating arrangements and thereby establish the social groupings for the evening.

6:07p  Blinda squirts ketchup on a plate. Yet she doesn’t have any food. Interesting.

6:08p  Mikala returns from navigating the room and handing out business cards. He’s up to something, but none of this is clear.

6:10p  Brief discussion that Suctionetta has spent $750 on THREE Lady Gaga tickets. Good God.

6:11p  I think that I might already be on my fourth beer. Perhaps I should eat something to soak up a bit of this. Like a futon.

6:17p  Blinda: “Whose fish is this?”

6:18p  Apiphany: “I’m hot. And I don’t mean in the cute way.”

6:18p  Apiphany: “It looks like I’m lactating.”

6:19p  Delta Jo to Apiphany: “You are blog fodder.”

6:20p  Taking a short break. Need to check the blog stats and offer worship and praise to those who have found my tiny corner of the world.

6:34p  Blinda: “Look at what cocaine did for Edgar Allen Poe!”

6:36p  And then we have a tragedy, which I’m sure that Delta Jo fervently hopes that I’m not capturing, but of course I am. In some spastic, uncontrolled movement, she manages to whack my beer glass and splash brew all over my HTC HD2. Panic and mayhem ensue. Delta Jo goes in the bathroom and cries. I’ll let her stew a bit, and then we’ll have makeup sex later. Or something like that.

6:40p  Delta Jo: “Hand and eye coordination are the first things to go.”

6:41p  Apiphany: “If I didn’t have to go to work I’d just do it.”

6:46p  Gin-and-Tonika: “I get my braces off in two more months! Then we’ll have a party. And I’ll probably fall and bust my teeth out.”

6:47p  Gin-and-Tonika and I began a very detailed discussion about how much we love our Nooks from Barnes and Noble. We exchange rapturous words and create secret hand signals for our new club.

6:54p  Apiphany is applying makeup, because that’s so important in a place like this.

6:59p  Delta Jo: “Mark Knopfler is freaking ugly!”

7:00p  Finally, the old people setting up the equipment at the other end of the room start singing. Let’s just say I am transported back to 1970’s Oklahoma, with good ole boys drinking beer and driving down dusty roads while shooting at slow things.

7:04p  Tammy Wynette just walked by, which is troubling on so many levels.

7:07p  Sage is insisting on slapping my questionably-defined butt every time I leave the table to visit the facilities. Not really sure what to think about that. But everybody seems to be having a good time with it, so I play along and dance about accordingly.

7:10p  The old people playing music are actually pretty good. I’ve liked the songs so far, and right now they are doing “Drift Away”, with half the bar singing along. This is one of those times when simple things result in immense love and respect for shared experiences with your fellow man. I’m sure that within minutes the racism and general hatred will bubble to the surface again.

7:12p  I have to yell at Blinda to quit banging the table in enthusiasm for the beat of the song. Troubled glaring follows.

7:18p  Corky and Dancewell just walked in. Details to follow.

7:22p  Apiphany: “People just have class, and then they don’t.”

7:23p  Delta Jo: “I am NOT proud.”

7:32p  Apiphany: “Who the hell is Sloopy? Why does he need to hang on? Does my ass look big in this song?”

7:33p  Apiphany: “This reminds me of the Big Wheel that I lost in my childhood. And my name is not Mary.”

7:34p  Apiphany has serious issues that may never be resolved. But her lip gloss is sparkly.

7:35p  Delta Jo: “I just saw two chickens and a rooster outside.”

7:36p  It’s Texas, DJ. There was probably also an armadillo, somebody making barbeque, an oversized truck that’s never been actually used to haul anything, at least three women with hair jacked to Jesus, a Republican with reality issues, and a Church Female Auxiliary that is waving bibles and condemning us to Hell. Did you bother to look around?

7:38p  Apiphany: “I used to do that until I puked.”

7:39p  Extended discussion concerning the infamous “Sit-n-Spin” from our distant childhoods.

7:43p  Ray-Wow makes another appearance. Her conversation with Apiphany is severely distorted. I’m assuming that if anything of importance was discussed, there will be a memo.

7:48p  Me to Apiphany: “Do I mean ANYTHING to you? I mean, ever?”

7:54p  The ancient band is singing “Hotel California”, and most of the bar is attempting to holler the words as well. The phrase “wild banshees wailing in pain as they are beaten with ugly sticks” comes to mind. Delta Jo screams and runs outside to escape and have a chance at survival. The rest of us are immobilized by the fear.

7:55p  Three people die.

7:57p  Delta Jo comes back in before the song is over. What the hell? She had her chance. If she folded it’s not my fault. During the extended musical bridge of the song, the Tierney’s patrons are under the impression that howling is some form of compliment.

7:59p  Apiphany: “We could just wear Depends, and we wouldn’t have to get up to go to the bathroom.”

8:00p  I turn to Apiphany: “Has it EVER crossed your mind that everything is NOT about you? God, woman, turn that yammer off and try to have some decency for three seconds.”

8:01p  Apiphany: “I have class shooting out of my ass.”

8:02p  Delta Jo: “I’m not featured favorably in this blog, am I?”

8:03p  Sage and Gin-and-Tonika throw in the towel and head for the hills. There are vague promises that Sage will be back after Gin is safely ensconced at the house. We’ll see.

8:06p  Who invited Boy George to sing on the stage?

8:09p  Suctionetta just screamed at a Dancewell. This can’t lead to anything good.

8:10p  Wait, are they seriously showing figure skating on one of the TV’s? In HERE? Really?

8:13p  Shrek and Fiona just walked in the door, and are standing in the entry foyer, completely ignored. I guess this is what happens when they don’t plan to make any more sequels.

8:20p  Tex arrives!

8:21p  Apiphany races to the other end of the table, and immediately she and Tex are conspiring and gossiping. We won’t hear from them for hours.

8:34p  Now Delta Jo is striking the table. What is it with these people and their need for wood-based violence?

8:35p  Something tells me that I should switch to water. But the senior citizens on the stage just launched into another classic song that they will proceed to decimate. I can’t deal with two issues at once.

8:38p  Blinda: “Who ARE these people in here?”

8:39p Exactly. Just hunker down and pray for daylight.

8:40p  Taking another short break. Can. Not. Deal. With. The. Noise. And. The. Sheer. Human. Stupidity.

8:57p  Delta: “Oh, look at the girl grooving at herself in the window. That’s precious.”

8:59p Attila is at the table, talking to Apiphany. This can lead to no good whatsoever.

9:01p  The senior crowd just sang “Happy Birthday” to someone in their midst. Such things are much more important when you’re closest friend is Metamucil. But they really need to be careful. Sudden noises at THAT age, well…

9:20p  Have I really had 36 beers? Can we get a recount? This can’t be right. Oh look, I have ten fingers!

9:23p  The Senior Knickerbocker Review is now asking us “Who wrote the book of love?” I really don’t care. I’m guessing it wasn’t Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh.

9:25p  Suctionetta just inquired if I was done live-blogging. I politely explained that no, I’m still capturing the mayhem. Would you like me to add something about you? (Thinking I’m being totally sweet.) Suckie has a coronary, appalled that he hasn’t earned a shout-out yet. He threatens physical violence. I cough in his direction and his challenged body falls to the ground amid wails of outrage and persecution. While he is writhing, I ask if he can bring me another beer.

9:43p  There was a bit of chaos for a while. My battery was dying, so Ray-Wow scrambled to find an extension cord. Then the Senior Knickerbocker guy decided to sing “Sweet Caroline”, and frankly, one of these cowboys should have put him out of his misery. THEN, Corky comes up to the table, bellowing along to the horrid song that is playing. When will the madness stop?

9:53p  Several twelve-year-olds just walked into the bar. Something is terribly wrong. Okay, maybe they’re in high school, but still.

9:54p  Apiphany is very concerned that her belongings appear to be covered in Crisco.

9:55p  I didn’t do it. That’s all I know. I can’t speak for anyone else at this table. Including Apiphany. Or Suctioneta, because I understand that he orders this cooking aid by the gross.

10:20p  Blinda: “I may be drunk, but I have my dignity.”

10:21p  Yes, there was a rather large gap in the reporting with no explanation given. It’s best that you not know what happened in the interim. Suffice it to say that I’m still a virgin, but just barely.

10:27p  Me: “Where’s the epitaphs?”

10:41p  And we’re aiming for a shutdown here. I’m no longer certain what any of these people around me want, but I’m fairly confident that I don’t want to give it to them. Sayin.


End Trans.