10 Things I’ve Learned Watching “American Idol” This Season

1. The general population of the United States is just as insane as ever.

  There are two variations of the human species which concern me the most with this one. One, we have lots of people who have delusional conceptions of their vocal abilities. Even if people around them are willingly puncturing their eardrums with a chopstick just to make the howling stop, these clueless people float along in their otherworld where apparently actual abilities and psychotic self-affirmations are the same thing.

  The second group involves friends and relatives who lie to the Delusional Children about their true purposes and limitations in life, and thereby perpetuate the madness of the damned as well as the suffering of the innocent. Right now, I’m thinking that this second subspecies is actually far more dangerous than the clueless warblers themselves. In fact, I believe maliciously encouraging your untalented offspring should be punishable by law. You lie to your child about their talents and worth to society, you go to jail.

2. Steven Tyler has a very interesting look.

  We always knew this, of course. He’s been bouncing around on stages for several decades now. But in the dimly-lit confines of a concert arena or in grainy footage of the entire band being arrested for something involving controlled narcotics, the brief glimpses of asexuality are not nearly as arresting as when he’s sitting still behind a table and directing questions toward the latest twirling queen auditioning before him.

3. Jennifer Lopez can make a ponytail sexually mesmerizing.

  Who knew that the simple usage of a scrunchie could make someone look amazingly hot? You go, girl.

4. I’m still not really sure what Randy Jackson’s purpose might be.

  Okay, he’s not throwing out that damn “pitchy” word as much this time around, so I’ll give him credit for that. But do we ever really learn anything from him? And I really don’t think it’s fair that he’s always throwing it to Steven and Jennifer to kick people out when they suck. (On the flip side, he will knock the other two down to happily welcome the rare person who walks through the door and can actually carry a tune.) Sure, he’s got seniority, but so did Strom Thurmond, and he was a suck-hole of worthlessness in Congress.

5. Ryan Seacrest is proof that members of the Lollipop Guild apparently had sex at some point.

  They sho did. Mmm hmm.

6. It might not be a good idea to audition with your soul mate.

  I’m talking specifically about that couple from wherever the hell, the two that did that corny tribute to a 1950’s movie by whirling each other around in some pasture. The judges nearly wet themselves over the perceived cuteness of the duo, and lovingly handed them golden tickets and a few Willy Wonka chocolate bars. But we all knew that she was better than him from the get go. Well, all of us except him. So when he got cut during the first part of Hollywood Week, I was not surprised.

  But Goofy and his squishy-faced grin sure was. He tried begging the judges for another chance. They weren’t interested. So he decides to start belting out a tune instead of walking out the door like the other crying and destroyed people. Bad move. And poor little whatever her name is that did make it through, you could tell that she was not impressed with how he was acting, practically running out the door to hide behind Ryan.

  I’m going to venture that they’ve already broken up. Just sayin.

7. The Diana Ross Syndrome doesn’t work for me.

  And now I’m talking about the girl who first auditioned with the silver stars hanging from her ta-ta’s. I don’t care how good you might be, there’s no need for jumbo-size accessories on your hooters. But the judges waved her through to Hollywood, possibly concerned that she might have Ninja skills and could cut their heads off with one throw. Next thing you know, Star Tits is onstage in Hollywood, and proceeds to trash everybody and promising to show how it’s really done. (Instantly hated her even more with that mess.)

  So Star T launches into her solo, and you’d think that Jesus Himself was trying to rip his way out of her diaphragm. I’ll admit the girl has pipes, but she doesn’t really know how to use them, and that overly-dramatic crap where she clutched the convenient stair-railing and nearly threw her legs over her head was way beyond necessary. Still, the judges kept her alive for now, so they only have themselves to blame when she tries to sleep with Berry Gordy and get Jennifer Lopez kicked out of the group. Yes, there IS a mountain high enough, and I don’t want to climb THAT one.

8. I’ve never really cared for people doing back-flips while waiting to audition.

  And this time, some dude landed on an idiot cameraman that was lying on the floor and trying to capture the airborne lunacy. Serves him right. Now quit doing that crap. This is a singing competition, not the Summer Olympics.

9. Some people are not good losers.

  What’s up with sobbing uncontrollably and becoming a she-devil when you don’t make it? I understand that you’re a little disappointed, and therefore it’s probably not a good day. But come ON. There’s no need to reenact scenes from “The Exorcist” when you get the bad news. Is it really going to help matters if you cuss everybody out, destroy public property, and physically attack the production staff? I think not. Just take your ass home, accept that your dreams have been destroyed, and turn to alcohol. That’s what responsible people do.

10. The dreaded “group performance” segment of Hollywood Week can rip apart your soul.

  This extravaganza is coming up, wherein random people are forced together and must come up with something judge-pleasing that still gives each individual a chance to shine. As we’ve seen so many times, people completely lose their minds during this bit. Talented folks get run over by the Idiot Train, and we often end up with an amazing wreck of madness that stuns the senses.

  I can’t wait.

Backup Dancers From Hell: Adam Lambert - “If I Had You”

We start off with a nice thumping beat as Adam prances around in what might be his apartment or could be a sleep deprivation facility. It’s awfully dark and hard to tell what’s going on. What IS clear is that Adam is apparently shilling Sony products, because we have one front and center. Scrolling across the screen of this product placement is what appears to be encouraging words about a gig that Adam has tonight. All of his fans are convinced that the world is going to change as soon as Adam steps on stage.

And it just might happen. If Adam hits enough high notes, buildings could crumble.

Next thing we know, Adam is trudging down some dirt road in the forest. I’m really surprised that he’s doing this, because it can’t be good for all the makeup that we know he’s going to be wearing. Anyway, he marches toward us, really proud that he’s got his boots on and the “right amout of leather”. (What IS the right amount of leather? I’ve often wondered this. It keeps me awake at night.) He’s also “working my strut”, which kind of throws me. I just had one of those replaced on my car, and there certainly wasn’t any singing while that mess was going on. And we weren’t in a forest. That I recall. I’ll just let it go for now.

Then the sky suddenly changes from late afternoon to full-on night, which means we’ve lost a few hours. (This happens all the time with rock stars, so don’t be scared.) We’re still in the forest, but now things have an odd greenish tint to them. It looks kind of outer-spacey (as opposed to Kevin-Spacey, because we all know he does his thing near parks and not forests). Perhaps E.T. will drive by on a bicycle, tossing about trial size packets of Reese’s Pieces.

Adam is still trudging along, all glam, but we catch glimpses of other people darting through the trees, so he’s not alone. We don’t know if these people are his friends or they want to kill him, it’s not clear. Oh, and I think laser-like weapons are being fired, because green flashes shoot across the screen from time to time. Or maybe they’re just setting up Adam’s stage nearby and somebody is dicking around with the stage lighting.

Anyway, Adam gets to a point in the forest where it’s really important that he scratch his back on a tree. This allows the other people to catch up with him, and since they all start dancing, I guess they weren’t seeking his death after all. But the dance is kind of sad, really, because it looks like nobody could afford a complete set of clothes, so they just made do with things they found by the side of the road.

The music picks up, so the poor people dance faster, and Adam takes this as his cue to show us his profile bathed in the green light. There seems to be something wrong with the camera, because his image flickers a bit. Or maybe he’s just being artsy. I understand that this condition can happen when you only make it to Number Two on “American Idol”.

More laser beams shoot through the crowd, but since nobody is exploding in a shower of sparks and hair product, I guess we’re dealing with friendly fire. Adam bops around and shows us that his leather jacket has ginormous metal spikes on the shoulders. I guess this helps keep away exuberant fans who want to know more about his fashion tips.

More dancing, and more profile-flickering. Not sure that I like that profile business. It makes me think I’m having small strokes, and at my age, you really shouldn’t ignore a sensation like that. (Quick close-up of what looks like Alan Cumming being very jealous that his own couture does not have deadly accessories.)

Adam doesn’t care and keeps singing. Let Alan get his own army of stylists.

Then we switch to another part of the forest, where Adam is now dolled up like Fred Astaire on acid. This is probably another artsy thing that only makes sense if you have read some obscure book that was banned in France when it was first published in 1931. Adam fiddles with his top hat and does a few choreographed dance steps with the poor people. I’m not sure what the theme of this dance might be, but it looks like you must have an extensive sexual history before you can adequately perform some of the moves.

Oh wait, now that I study things, maybe this is a re-imagining of the “Cats” musical. Some of the people do look distinctly feline, including Adam and his hat, and others are making clawing motions like it’s time to change the litter box. I’ll look into this further and let you know.

And we’re back to the chorus again, with the editing getting really frenetic and H.R. Pufnstuf making a brief cameo. (Not kidding. Pause it at 1:52 or so. What the hell?) It also looks like somebody raided a taxidermy shop, because suddenly lots of the poor people have an inordinate amount of feathers in their hair. Through all of this, Adam keeps bouncing around and showing us the odd green profile where he gazes at his home planet in the night sky.

More dancing, lasers, sex-tinged movements, and sparkly outfits. (How did we end up in a gay bar? But as long as happy hour prices are still in effect, I’m golden…)

Then the song slows down a little bit, and the scenes start transitioning from the forest to… I don’t know. Somewhere that’s not the forest and looks more like a real stage. Now somebody is playing with a strobe light, making everybody move in that jerky way that people do when Grandpa shows 8-millimeter home movies. (Side note: The drummer appears to be naked, so I guess he was too good to dress in burlap, throw rugs and old newspapers like everybody else. But no one cares, because young people today just accept and move on, and they keep dancing.)

The strobe light thing goes on for a while, but we can see enough to realize that Adam forgot to wipe the Clearasil off the right side of this face. This doesn’t affect his dancing and singing, though, so that’s good.

Then the music gets really slow, and we have a close-up of Adam thinking he’s Greta Garbo. (Except for, you know, those spikes.) The camera lovingly lingers on his face, so that we can see the emotional pain in his eyes from having to hug Randy Jackson week after week.

And the music speeds up again, complete with crotch shots showing that Adam may have misplaced one of the props on the set. (Wait, is THAT where the lasers are coming from?) We also see that Adam is sporting some platform boots that are bigger than some of my cousins. (He sure leads an exciting and dangerous life.) I guess the boots are a little pinchy, because he tries to kick them off at one point, but this doesn’t work, so he goes back to singing and wiggling his shoulders.

And that’s about it. The song winds down while the “Cats” cast continues to leap and frolic. (I hope Betty Buckley isn’t watching this, poor thing.) The song finally ends, Adam smirks at us because he knows we know he’s odd but hot, and then he turns and marches off into the forest.

I wonder if anybody told Adam that his hairdo looks like something people wore in lesbian bars in the 80’s. Because I think he should know, don’t you?

　

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