10 Ways To Reduce The Impact Of Stupid People In Your Life

1. If you can’t correctly spell the protest slogan on your sign, you should not be allowed to attend the demonstration and manage to appear on TV.

  Unless, of course, that demonstration is an awareness-raising rally wherein you are representing Exhibit A in “what happens when ignorant yokels don’t pay attention in school and opt instead to attend white-supremacy marches and practice inbreeding”.

2. Children should not be allowed to scream and throw food in a public.

  We get enough of that during Republican presidential primaries.

3. TV networks should not be allowed to cancel a series until the season is OVER.

  And TV producers should make sure they end the season with a satisfying “get to the point” episode, just in case. (Side note to producers: Do NOT let the main characters decide that having another baby would be fun unless you are ready for the show to end. It’s a proven fact that viewers love watching established relationships, but not the pointless conception angle. See: Mad About You, Growing Pains, Roseanne, etc.)

4. Contestants on Survivor should not be allowed to whine when they get blind-sided.

  You stupidly believed an obvious lie and now you’re going home. Suck it up and grab your torch. Have you not seen this show before?

5. Radio stations should not be allowed to play the same song over and over until it makes people scream.

  Try playing something else for a change, like a song that isn’t by Lady Gaga or Adele. (I like them both, but I’m more than aware that they were born that way and they can set fire to the rain. Let’s hear about somebody else’s skill set for a change.)

6. The makers of low-fat frozen dinners should not create products that taste like week-old oatmeal left on the back porch.

  People are much more content if the things they stick in their mouths make them happy. And let’s stop using so much sodium to disguise the fact that all the yummy fat has been sucked out of the entrée. There’s enough salt in some of those to make a certain city in Utah a little jealous.

7. People should not be allowed to interrupt your daily domestic routine.

  There are hordes of zombies out there who are roaming the neighborhoods and think nothing of wandering up your sidewalk and banging on your door, proffering pointless products or brochures about suspect charities that are probably gang-based. Ignore the doorbell and continue watching Ellen.

8. If you don’t know the background of every single candidate on the ballot, you really shouldn’t be voting.

  Seriously. Do your own research. Don’t let others do it for you.

9. If you can’t back up what you’re saying with unquestionable evidence, you shouldn’t be allowed to say anything on a news program.

  I hope the government has enough unemployment forms for people on the Fox network. Oh wait, they don’t believe in government handouts, at least not while a Democrat is in the White House. They should be fine, then.

10. If you can’t immediately understand my problem when I call your supposed help desk, you shouldn’t be allowed to answer the phone.

  I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do your job. You should be telling me, in a clear and concise manner, exactly what I need to do in order to have a better life with the product or service that your company sold me. If this expectation is beyond your training and/or conceptual grasping, we have an issue, one that can easily be resolved by you pulling your head out, finding somebody who doesn’t have focus issues, and tendering your resignation.

  But I’m not bitter. And hey, the free time that you now have will allow you to work on that poster you wanted to make for the racist rally you’re attending later tonight. Say hi to Rush and Glenn and Ann for me, okay?


Peace in.

10 Random Thoughts About the “Survivor” Premiere Last Night

1. People do not pack properly.

  After 20-plus seasons, some of those fool contestants show up on the island wearing formalwear and exaggerated bling. What the hell are you gonna do with 6-inch spiked glitter heels and a Versace petticoat? Your name is not Ginger and you did not arrive on the S. S. Minnow. You are going to be dirty, nasty and chafed within three seconds, so there’s no point in pretending the island comes equipped with a model runway and fashion photographers.

2. Somebody always has to talk smack before we even know their names.

  Jeff’s helicopter blades haven’t even stopped turning, and some yokel is already spouting off about how they are going to win the whole thing or that somebody else is a worthless piece of crap that should be beaten with a club for even showing up. Look, Louden Bitter, did it cross your mind that maybe your ass needs to be nice at least until the second episode? That person you are blurrily flipping off right now might be the very person you have to sleep next to in a badly-built hut for three months.

3. The names may change, but the people stay the same.

  We had all of our requisite stereotypes in full view: the giggling bimbos, the strutting himbos, the sassy and confrontational girl with messy hair trying to be street, the country boy with an accent the size of Idaho, the really smart girl who was probably president of the Chemistry Club but doesn’t have enough social skills to fight her way out of a garment bag, and the old guy that just isn’t going to make it to the end unless everybody else gets dysentery or is just really, really stupid.

  Special mention to this season’s “Flamboyant And Chatty Gay Guy“: Colton Cumbie. (Yes, he’s even using a drag name.) I always hope they find some semi-studly guy that won’t twirl his way through the jungle like Celine Dion on acid, but I guess it’s just not in the “Survivor” script book. (Gotta help those slow viewers find the gay one, right?) And here comes Colton, wearing pearls and a Justin-Bieber tribute hairstyle, ogling the men and immediately becoming best friends with all the women.

  And when Colton when into Nelly Overdrive (hey, another drag name) during the competition, skipping down those steps above the net and flitting his hands in turbo-prop fashion? Seriously, I thought he was actually going to take flight and sail over the giant net, landing down the beach in a chorus line from South Pacific.

4. Speaking of being over it, Jeff really is.

  He’s just not as invested as he used to be. (He’s been at it for years now. How many ways can you ask “Survivors ready?” and still get excited about it?) The meet-and-greet opening scenes on the latest beach used to be a lengthy “welcome to the family, we’re going to have a swell time, good luck to everybody”. Very welcoming and supportive. Now we’re down to Jeff bellowing “you people go there, you people go here, figure out how to make fire or you’ll die, and somebody goes home in three days. Go!” Then he runs off to wherever he goes when it’s not time for him to raise his hand in the air or share stories by a campfire.

5. The “Survivor” producers like to mess with the players’ heads.

  For this season, we’ve divided into two teams, one for all the women and one for all the men. (Um, we’ve done that part before, folks. Recycling isn’t always a good thing.) Then they made the teams tramp off in different directions, lugging things through the jungle, with people sweating and cursing and pulling underwear out of places it shouldn’t be, only to have both teams end up at exactly the same beach, where both tribes will live together in one seething mass of ambition, greed, deception and unpleasant hygiene issues.

  I found it rather amusing, but the players did not share my enthusiasm. They didn’t want to live together. It’s so much easier to hate another team when you don’t see them all the time and they live in a different place. (Hey, that whole USA/Russia Cold War thing worked out just fine for decades, did it not?) It’s hard to do the plotting and the manipulating when there are so many people sitting around watching you plot and manip.

  Oh, and there’s not going to be a Redemption Island this time around. When you gone, you gone. You could tell by most of the players’ eyes that this announcement was rather irritating, since it meant they would have to get it right the first time, no lolling around on another island and thinking of clever ways to get revenge on your former best-friend alliance-member that threw your ass under the Tribal Bus.

6. Muscle mass apparently comes from unused brain cells.

  As usual, we had our standard quartet of beefy guys that immediately bond, probably because they have the same gym membership. They are already entirely convinced that they will make it to the end, in a triumph of physical dominance and possible steroid-usage. What they fail to realize (as these quartets usually do) is that the extra baggage they brought with them (you know, the arrogance, the bigotry, the sexism) is more than enough fuel to cause the weaker people on the island to band together and whack at the giants’ knees until they fall.

7. Some people just don’t pay attention.

  And now we’re talking about Kourtney. (Um, not the Kardashian one. That Kourtney doesn’t live in huts on islands. She buys them.) Our Kourtney, standing on top of that giant tower and preparing to leap into the net, was not listening to Jeff, with his helpful instructions about how to properly survive the plunge. She didn’t do anything like he said, and home girl ended up with a broken wrist. Damn, girl. You seem really sweet and all, but maybe you should have respected Jeff’s hollering instead of thinking about where you’re going to put your next tattoo.

  After the snappage, Jeff stops the competition, calls in Medical (I still don’t understand why those people have Australian accents), they drag Kourtney off to a full medical facility apparently located in an unnoticed cave somewhere, and Jeff pronounces that since the guys were ahead when Kourtney bounced wrong, that the guys automatically win Immunity.

  Unless… the guys agree to play again. I’m fully expecting them to do so, since most of them are so full of self-confidence and self-love. But they don’t. The bitches. One of the girls is going home tonight.

8. Chickens can run fast. Mmm hmm.

  Especially if the humans coming at them are wearing inappropriate clothing or singing random show tunes. Quick little cluckers. So both teams decided to work together to catch the hurtling feather balls, and then they would share them. Turns out “working together” meant the girls and the not-as-cute guys screamed and thundered about, while the self-defined God Boy Quartet basically stood around, took off their shirts, and watched each other do preparatory muscle-flexing. (Cooking is really a woman’s job, right?)

  End result, an amazingly-talented farm girl caught both chickens, then decided she wasn’t going to share them after all, mainly due to that tiny little issue where the guys stole an axe and things from the girls  (well, one guy, actually, the guy who might have had plastic surgery or just naturally looks plastic and pinched, but the other guys did high-five him for doing it, because boys are stupid). Fair’s fare. If you snatch my tool you can’t touch my chicken.

9. Those hidden idols end up in the weirdest places.

  So, folks are barely on the island and not fully hating each other yet, when Sabrina manages to stumble over one of the hidden idols. Turns out, though, that she has to give it to someone on the other tribe before the next Tribal. That sucks in an amazing way. (They never made Russell give up any of his 26 idols, ever.) So Sabrina ponders and strategizes, then finally gives it to Liza Minnelli, figuring that he might really need it, what with Colton all alone over there, awash in a sea of testosterone and protein drinks.

10. Here, kitty kitty.

  So the girls end up at Tribal. Things are really nice and friendly for about two seconds. Then Christina really gets into it with that Alanis Morissette chick, the angry one with the hair. Alanis is mad at the way Christina bartered with the guys to get some of their fire, but in the end Christina did get them some fire, so Alanis just needs to go off somewhere and write a bitter song about it for her next album. (“You Oughta GO!”)

  Turns out no one is going anywhere, at least not directly from Tribal, according to Jeff. Kourtney and her jacked-up hand will not be returning to the game, so no vote tonight.

  Claws grudgingly retract, and the girls head out into the night. Trudging through the quiet moonlight, they don’t notice Colton standing under a banana tree and doing his Judy Garland impressions…

10 More Life Lessons From the Latest “Survivor” Episode

1. If everybody gets invited to the hoedown, something’s up.

  So we have the duel on Redemption Island, with Ozzy against Christine, and we see that the viewing bleachers are loaded down with all the survivors from both tribes, along with some extra people that may have drunkenly fallen off a passing ship, instead of just the normal two representatives from the teams. If that doesn’t say “the merge is in da house”, then I’ve been drinking the wrong kind of beer. Kudos to these fine folks for acting surprised and all when Jeff hollered out that they should drop their buffs. Even Michele Bachmann could have figured this one out, despite her husband squealing in the background that he only rents gay porn for research purposes.

2. Ozzy will not be winning an Academy Award in the near future.

  Surfer Dude went over the top with his dramatic oration about how the Evil Cochran blindsided him with the bogus idol play and his pale white, nerd-god skin. The way Ozzy bogusly spit out the word “revenge” reminded me of Bill Clinton saying “I never had sex with that woman!” when we and that blue dress knew differently. And poor Christine. Despite her ill-advised choice of an island-wear smock, I was actually rooting for her. Girl done beat everybody else for the past 20 weeks or whatever, Momma deserves a payout.

3. Coach is one twisted mess of a person.

  He’s annoying as hell, but he’s also incredibly smart, much to my dismay. (Can’t stand the man with his supposed spiritual beliefs that don’t align at all with his actions.) When Cochran tried to pull one of his double-agent moves, Coach threw it back at him and made it very clear that he knew exactly what was going on with the Ozzy crapfest. Whoopsie. Then Coach confesses that people have sometimes tormented him for being different, melting Cochran’s heart and creating a secret man-boy crush that will lead to Cochran not having a date at the finale prom. Just wait for it.

4. Mormons should not retrieve tree mail.

  Whilst stomping on native flora and fauna as they march to the local post office, Dawn has (yet another) emotional breakdown, fessing up to Cochran that they have both been treated as outsiders and maybe it’s time to flip to the other side. As Dawn’s tears irrigate the gasping plants that they have just tromped on, they have a special moment akin to totally unrelated high-school students discovering that they have something minimally in-common whilst eating crappy cafeteria food at the Avoid These People table. (Don’t get me wrong, I actually like Dawn, but girl has got to quit crying every time a coconut falls to the ground.)

5. People named Sophie might have some developmental issues.

  Honey, maybe I just missed something, but how the hell did you end up with that bloody Freddy Kruger gash on your nose? Did you have it shoved so far up Coach’s booty that you snapped an important artery? And really, since we’re gettin’ all real here and stuff, why are you so angry about things? Who took what from you as a child that you decided you needed to be this bitter? Wait, were you sitting at that same high-school table with Cochran and Dawn?

6. Men always do better in competitions that involve them holding their nuts.

  What? Did you really think I wouldn’t go there? Seriously, a man understands the sanctity of the nut (okay, a coconut, but still) and he will treasure it and nurture it with undying devotion. Unless your name is Cochran, in which case you really won’t understand the relevance of a nut, and you end up falling off your tiny little balance beam faster than Jeff Probst can find a supposedly-macho-but-not-really necklace to accent his meticulously disheveled shirt, like he’s actually roughing it along with the real survivors instead of retiring to his yacht after his daily ten-minute appearance on the island.

7. How quickly the tide can turn, even without the requisite number of supermodel contestants splashing in the surf and zipping by under the eviction radar.

  Cochran lasted roughly 3 seconds after the merge before he was spilling his guts to everybody on the opposing tribe. Really? What part does he not understand about “don’t flop on the ground and throw your legs in the air before you actually get to know these people”? Make them buy you dinner first, seriously.

8. I’m still not understanding why Brandon hasn’t already been evicted.

  This basket case comes with more jacked-up baggage than anybody needs to deal with when people are starving and you can’t bathe with any type of satisfaction. Yet there he still is, alternately lusting after anything with boobs and then pointing to the sky where he assumes that Jesus lives. Perhaps someone should hand him a brochure about the destination that lies in the other direction. Boobie-lusters go there, Brandon. Lying boobie-lusters. Five floors straight down. Oh, and watch out for that campfire, it’s a real humdinger.

9. Does Jeff Probst really not understand that he can be annoying?

  Up in the Tribal grill, he’s acting all surprised about some of the revelations, like who has the Immunity Idol and who snores at night and who night be swearing on their departed grandmother’s soul that they will do one thing and yet they do another. Like he doesn’t watch every tiny bit of footage so he can figure out something pithy to say that will make him seem like Yoda with chest hair. Puh-leeze. And that whole “I’ll go tally the votes” mess, which really means “I’ll go arrange the votes for the most drama so people in the viewing audience can wet themselves in anticipation”. Over it.

10. What’s up with hatin’ on the Cowboy?

  So, Ozzy’s tribe decided to go after Rick? Who really hasn’t done anything other than grunt occasionally and manage to grow facial hair that seems a little bit odd. He’s the least of your worries. Why wouldn’t you focus on Coach, and at least make him play the Idol? (He does still have it, right? I’ve slept.) Or what about Albert? Kicking him out will at least force him to find that shirt he hasn’t worn since he stepped off the boat.

  Then again, I’m not actually on the damn island, forced to survive on rice, tiny little fish that result in everyone only getting a single bite of protein, and a Cochroach that has delusions of grandeur and flipping sides. (The jury starts after the next eviction, does he really think jumping ship at this point was a wise idea?)

  Wait, why am I even questioning the motivations of someone who would wear a sweater vest to a Survivor Island? Did he think there would be a library where he can study Shakespearean plays and sip tea with old ladies who completely forgot about sex long before he was even born? That Cochran is just a real catch, eh?


  Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you, head back to camp.

  Unless you have a creative idea about a new necklace for Jeff. Then you might want to stick around and get some brownie points. Perhaps a fancy necklace, one with a “I’ve fallen and I can’t reach the microphone” panic button that Jeff can slap at when he trips over Coach’s ego and bangs his head on an overstuffed box of past Survivor losers who switched sides at a really, really bad time. Of course, that box is right next to the crate of Survivor winners who fell back-asswards into the last chair, so you never know…

10 Life Lessons From The Latest “Survivor” Episode

1. You can lose a tooth chewing on the carcass of a roasted pig.

Gotta say, this was one of the most startling challenges I’ve ever seen on the show. People with their hands tied behind their backs, using their mouths to rip meat off a defenseless creature and then racing to spit their treasures in a basket. Very surreal. I briefly thought I was at the Republican National Convention. Speaking of…

2. The three-second rule is apparently a universal understanding.

In that same pig-violating competition, Mikayla actually squatted down and mouth-snatched up a chunk of oink-meat that one of her teammates had dropped, throwing the recycled gristle into said basket, a dexterous move that probably propelled her team to the win, since they only won by two ounces. Mikayla, therefore, officially rocks, despite the constant slandering from a certain crazy man with some serious issues. Speaking of…

3. A Hantz is a Hantz is a Psychotic Land Mine.

Dear Brandon. You wanted to come on the show and restore respect to the family name after your uncle inspired a national disgust with all things Russell? Interesting. Yet you’re acting just like him, with lies and self-delusions and making crap up about other people because they are prettier than you and you secretly want them. And P.S.: Jesus is not on your side, mostly because you clearly haven’t read His Book. So stop pointing at the sky in a shameless plug for spiritual gratitude. If you’re lucky, that gesture might get you a taxi in New York City, but that’s about it. Speaking of…

4. The South Pacific is apparently the new place where everybody knows your name.

It seems that Coach’s real name is “Benjamin”, but he goes off the deep end if anybody dares to whisper said moniker in his presence. Benjamin? Dude, that is SO not worthy of a dragon-slayer, even though you’ve never actually slayed a dragon or, you know, won the game, so I can understand why you made up a name for yourself that is shorter, more authoritarian, and fancier-sounding. But still, no need for you and your faux rock-star hair to get all bent out of shape just because a certain person insists on calling you that. Speaking of…

5. People named Stacey don’t always…. stay.

Isn’t it ironic? Anyway, severe-eyed girl is all ate up with the bitterness, rudely calling people by their actual name and such, and spouting off on Redemption Island that all her former tribe members are liars and back-stabbers. (Honey, have you not watched the show before?) Just a suggestion, even though you are never going to be returning for an All-Stars show: Maybe you should think a second or two before engaging the speaking clutch. That short-circuiting mess of a speech, accompanied by unexplained facial spasms, that you made just before Christine trumped your butt on Redemption Island made people even more scared of you. Speaking of…

6. A billowing, printed blouse is perhaps not the recommended Survivor couture.

Christine, you clearly made a judgmental error with that Long Island-tribute frock. Did you really think it was wise to be thrown on a deserted island wearing something that Edie Falco would sport during a lost episode of The Sopranos? It’s hard to take you seriously when you come marching out in that thing, especially when accented by the grey tube socks. (And just where the hell did you find those?) But hey, so far you’ve been smacking down the challengers on Redemption, and I always like it when an underdog prevails. Speaking of…

7. Geeky people can be annoyingly persistent.

Dear John Cochran. Am I reading your bio correctly? You’re twenty-four? Could have fooled me. I keep expecting a daycare attendant to wander out of the jungle and burp you. Yes, you get a few hesitant points for being a super-fan of the show and all, but you don’t seem to be applying your knowledge in a helpful way. (Stop asking people if they want you to whack on a coconut. They’ll let you know, mmmkay?) Sometimes it’s just hard for folks to not judge a book by a cover, especially when your limited edition is so… special. Speaking of…

8. Apparently being on a pot farm can make you have really white teeth.

Okay, Jim is actually a “medical marijuana distributor”, so he may not actually be doing the plowing and hoeing, but you can see still his molars from Saturn and something is causing that. There’s something a little uncertain with this guy, can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s my gaydar going off even though he puts on a show of ogling the women. Maybe it’s the fact that he seems overly happy about mundane things like palm fronds. Or maybe it’s just those damn teeth. Speaking of…

9. Mormons can surprise you in many ways.

Dawn apparently went after that opening-act pig with enough gusto that she broke a tooth in half. That’s either very impressive or a statement about the quality of the water supply in Utah. And hey, she managed to win that competition where people had to stand around and hold heavy stuff on their shoulders for a long time while squatting in a very unfeminine way. Granted, she also managed to have a complete mental breakdown roughly two minutes in to the season, when most people were still learning each other’s names and trying to figure out how to wear a buff in the most sexually-alluring manner. But still, she’s done just fine on a show where they tend to knock off the older people really fast. Speaking of…

10. Half the population of Utah is apparently on this show.

We also have Rick, the rancher who listed his first hobby as “team sorting”. That’s a hobby? Wow. Other than that, and the fact that he’s 51, making him the oldest of this season’s crop (despite the fact that Coach’s body looks older), we really don’t know much about him. We usually only see him and his mustache for roughly three seconds on every episode. He’s on the down-low, his name never coming up for eviction, lurking quietly. Maybe it’s because he has that look where he might kill you in your sleep with a cattle-prod if you piss him off. Just sayin. Time will tell. Speaking of…

I’m out of it. Here’s a quick run-through of the other cast members: Ozzy - Dude, you seem to be laying back and just expecting to win like Rob did last season. Difference? Rob was strategizing and not swinging in a hammock. Albert - Your brightness wattage is a bit dim, but you can remain shirt-free all you want. Edna - Clingy much? Elyse - Guess that belly-button jewelry didn’t really get you what you thought it would, huh?

Keith - Every time I see you I’m distracted by the navigational tattoo in an odd place. Can’t get past that. Mark - The telling people one thing in private and then slamming them in tribal? Didn’t really work out, did it? Semhar - You did the spoken-word poetry and then got sent home. Something tells me you’re used to this kind of reaction. Sophie - There’s some strength here that we haven’t seen. Show it. And finally, Whitney - Dark horse that might just stumble into Final Tribal. My thoughts right now, might change tomorrow. Depends on what I order at Starbucks and how it pleases me.

That’s all I’ve got for you, head back to camp.

Searching For Signal: #183 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 14

We start out with the traditional march back to camp after they’ve voted someone out (Benry), with folks stumbling along in the dark and looking like confused aliens. Sash pulls Fabio aside and tells him they sent Benry home because Benry was targeting Fabio. It’s all good. Fabio doesn’t care, as long as it wasn’t him or whatever his real name is.

We’re only two minutes into the episode before Sash can’t help but stroke his ego in a sidebar, going off about how he’s in control of this game. (Never mind that he’s thin enough to be used as wallpaper.) And by the way, Fabio’s going home next time. Now, could you carry me back to camp? Because I don’t have any muscles left in my body.

Fabio in a sidebar: “I think they believe that I’m more gullible and naïve than I am.” (Dude, they don’t think it, they know it.) He thinks it would be really funny to make the other folks go “What? I didn’t know Fabio was that smart.”

This is not going to happen in our life time.

Roll opening credits.

Folks get tree mail, and this is the one where they get a Sprint cell phone with snippets of family members wishing they were back home. (Wouldn’t it be fun, for once, for some disgruntled relative to say: “Would you mind staying on the island for a while? Our lives have been so much better. We’ll send your clothes.”) This means that everybody is going to cry when they see their particular significant others.

Everybody cries. (Side note: How did Danny manage to produce such attractive boys?) This is actually one of my favorite parts, but I can’t really make fun of it without people coming after me with pitchforks and burning torches, so we’ll just skip ahead, shall we?

Chase and Fabio, discussing the upcoming reward where the winners will get to go do something fun with their clean relatives. They both promise that the two of them and Sash should all go on the reward together, if one of them wins. Then a coconut rolls by and the conversation ends, because they can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. (Sounds of Jane giggling and then running back into the forest.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff does some more shilling for the Sprint Evo phone, then explains that the winner will get to eat food and float down the coast of Nicaragua. Along with one of their loved ones. (Cue everybody bursting into tears again.) Bring ‘em out! So here we go with the emotional mini-reunions, with waterworks flowing, tight hugs, and the city folk thanking God that Survivor is not presented in Smell-a-Vision. (And it is extremely touching when Danny’s son keeps smooching him on the head.)

Several gallons of smeared mascara later, Jeff explains the challenge. The Survivors have to run across this little bridge thing, dive in some water, retrieve some puzzle pieces and bring them back to their relative, who have to spell out a phrase. (Danny will not be winning this, sayin.) In the end, Chase and his mom triumph.

Jeff tells Chase to pick one survivor to go with him. (Chase, and everybody: “Just one?” Because we know they always get to pick two. What up?) Chase picks Sash, which is fair, since Sash hasn’t been in quite some time. Then Jeff lets Chase pick another, setting up the drama. Chase picks Holly. (That sound you hear is Jane’s and Fabio’s last nerve snapping.)

Chase to Jeff: “What happens to the rest of them?” Jeff: “They will be taken and executed.” (Okay, Jeff needs to be funny more of the time.) Then Jeff goes for more drama: “Fabio, you seem upset.” (If, by “upset”, Jeff means sobbing hysterically at not getting to go, then yes, Fabs is a bit distraught.) Fabio calls out Chase for going back on his promise. Chase basically takes it, nervously picking at his baby beard. Then Jeff tells the losers to say bye-bye to their loved ones, so there’s some more ruined mascara. Then he waves the Sprint Evo around for a bit before handing it to Chase.

Cut back to camp, where Fabio, Dan and Jane go on a hate fest. They are none too pleased with Chase at the moment. Dan: “He’s done with us.” Fabio: “Even today we talked about him taking me.” Jane: [Snippet deleted by Bonnywood Manor censors] They are all convinced that Chase has just lost the money in the end.

Cut to the winners arriving at the riverside feast, where things are a bit happier. (Chase makes sure to capture the goings on with the Sprint Evo phone, just in case you didn’t realize he had one.) Then Chase, Holly and Sash decide that they are going to be the final three. (The relatives politely hover in the background. We don’t know how much they might have known when this episode was filmed, but we do know that surely there’s a Survivor assistant hiding in the river, ready to drown one of the relatives if they start to pipe up with some intel.)

Another side note: Chase’s mom is the first to break out the supplied champagne. This is important information to have should you somehow get invited to the Finale wrap party and need a drink.

Back to camp once more, where the losers are already sleeping when the winners come waltzing back home. As expected, there is a tense discussion between Fabio and Chase. Chase tries to be nice, but the writing is on the wall about Fabio being on the outs. Too bad that Fabio can’t actually read the words.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: They will be blindfolded, attached to a line, have to crawl over and under some sawhorse things, fondle a shield with some raised metalwork, grab bags of pieces, crawl back, then open the bags and put the pieces in the right place on a new shield. (Once again, there’s no chance of Danny winning. He’s barely moved an inch when the others are already at the other end, feeling and grabbing. Jane makes it back first, but it comes down to Fabio and Chase. Fabio wins Immunity. (Jane immediately whips off her blindfold and kills an entire flock of sheep with one withering glance.)

We cut back to camp, with Danny leading the way as the tribe staggers home. (Which will be the only time that Danny is first in anything.) Everyone congratulates Fabio, but you know they don’t mean it. (Sash in a sidebar: Fabio winning is the only thing that could have screwed things up today.) Danny lets everyone know that he’s completely exhausted. (Why? When has he done anything?) No one cares.

Well, maybe Chase does. He waits a bit then tells Fabio that “Dan’s done” and he should go. Fabio thinks Jane should go. Chase runs to Sash to share what Fabio is thinking. Chase pushes for sending Dan home, but Sash is on board with the Jane thing as well. Chase is apparently fighting a losing battle. To confirm things, Holly comes waltzing up with news that Dan and Fabio want Jane to walk through the creepy cemetery.

Lo and behold, here comes Jane. She tries to dig, and based on the trio’s hesitation and waffling, Jane immediately knows the score. She forces them to spill. Sash: “The truth is, we think you can beat us in the end.” Jane flips him off. (Love her.) Then she stomps away and has a small breakdown in a sidebar, hating on everybody, especially Chase: “If I was Chase, I wouldn’t show my ass back in Carolina.”

And it goes downhill from there.

Jane goes on a rampage, hissing at everybody and cussing their mommas. At one point, she takes a bucket of water and pours it over the fire. She makes sure of the damage by dumping another bucket on the wet ashes. “By God, I started it. I’ll put it out.” Which is true, she was the one who got the fire started in the first place. Holy cow. (And still love her. Me thinks Jane will and should get at least the fan favorite money in the end. Just sayin.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Dan: “Crazy afternoon?” Dan: He starts to spill about Jane, then holds his tongue. Jeff prods him until he spills about the fire thing. Jane: “Can I have my say?” And off she goes, not holding back and trashing everybody, much to the delight of the giggling but mostly silent jury. And she hits all the right points, country or not. She babbles about the alliance, that Dan and Fabio were supposed to be next, and “that’s how Benry got voted off”. (Shot of Benry seeing the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.)

Jeff: “Let me ask the alliance in charge.” (Chase, Holly, Sash.) “If you vote out Jane, who’s next?” Chase: “Whoever doesn’t win Immunity.” Jeff: “So it’s Fabio or Dan?” Chase takes the plunge, asking Holly and Sash: “Would you guys agree with that?” They squirm, but they eventually do. Bold move.

Shots of the jury members nearly wetting themselves over all this action.

Jeff pushes hard for Fabio and Dan to pay attention to this. Why don’t you and Jane form your own alliance? Jeff to Jane: “What do you suggest to do right now?” Jane: “Us three vote Holly out. Chase and Sash have an Idol.”

There it is, right there, folks. Here’s your open chance to upset the apple cart. Will Fabio and Dan take it? Jeff keeps pushing them. (Personally, I think he’s still just as sweet on Jane as the rest of us. He wants her to stay. Fair or not, he does everything he can to convince Dan and Fabio.)

Time to Vote.

Jeff comes back with the tally? Anybody wanna play a Hidden Immunity Idol? Chase and Sash nearly knock each other over trying to hand over their little stick dolls. (It’s the last night they can use them, why the hell not?) Votes cast for Chase, Sash and Fabio will not count. Jeff opens the little wooden crockpot.

It’s Jane. Meaning Dan and Fabio completely deserve to go home next for not even trying to change it up, knowing full well that they are next. To her credit, Jane doesn’t kill anybody on her way out. (“Ya’ll have fun!”) Jeff, holding back his irritation, sends folks back to camp.

In the closing credits we see that Jane’s lone dissenting vote was cast for Sash. Sash? So even if Dan and Fabio had flipped, it wouldn’t have mattered. Was Jane, knowing that she was going home anyway, giving the finger to Sash and still looking out for her ex-buddy Chase by not casting a vote against him, or did she hit her head on the way to the voting booth?

Hmmm.

Searching For Signal: #181 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 13

Okay, so we start out right after the Tribal where NaOnka and Purple Kelly completely lost their minds and chose to quit the game, irritating everyone, especially Jeff Probst, who gets all pissy if anyone dares to leave voluntarily. Back at camp, we see Holly going off in a sidebar. (“There are only 11 days left. It’s unbelievable!” Then Holly gets distracted by a pair of shoes just sitting around unattended, and she makes plans to sink them as soon as possible.)

Cut to Benry and a couple of others messing around with the one remaining chicken. He decides to christen the bird “Kelly-Nay”, because both Purple Kelly and NaOnka are chickens. This is actually kind of funny, but the chicken is not amused.

Sash in a sidebar, where he’s fussing about the sudden death of his alliance. Dude, why are you fussing? You got all high and mighty thinking you were running things, and then everything went south in about 15 minutes. This is what happens on “Survivor”. Did you bother to actually watch the show before you signed that release agreement?

Roll opening credits.

Sash runs up to Chase, Fabio and Benry as they are standing around and practicing their poses for the “Hunky Men of Survivor” calendar. Sash: I’m gonna play the Idol at the next Tribal so it will remove that target off my back. The other three just look at him, wondering how somebody can get THAT skinny and not fall over when the wind blows.

Sash in a sidebar: I’m gonna do what’s best for me. (Good idea.) Then he goes off about how he’s the swing vote between the two remaining alliances, that people need to make him offers, and then he’ll decide which way to go. (Pompous, much? Your undeserved self-love is going to cost you in the end. Just sayin.)

Chase and Sash. Chase: Our best interest is to go with a woman. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s never considered that option, on the island or off.) Sash: “Jane is the only person that can beat us in the end.” Then Sash gets all clingy: “Will you still take me to the Final?” Chase agrees to do so. (Probable lie, but who knows.) Then they talk about how Holly (for sure) and Sash (not so much) should get to go on the next Reward, whatever it is. Chase agrees that Sash should get to go because he hasn’t been in a long time. (This will prove critical later. Stay tuned.)

And imagine this, it’s time for the Reward Challenge that they were just talking about. Great editing, Survivor Team! (So how come “The Amazing Race” always beats you at the Emmy Awards? Just wondering.)

Anyway, Jeff explains that this Reward Challenge is a chance to “revisit some of the past challenges”. It’s a multi-part thing, with folks running about and doing combined former challenges. The first 4 to finish the first round advance, then the first 2 to finish the second round compete in a final round for Reward. The prize is some quality time at a private resort, where they get to spend the night in luxury, with peasants giving them massages and lots of food sitting around waiting to be violated. Survivors ready?

Chase, Jane, Benry and Holly make it through the first round. (Meaning that Sash, Dan and Fabio were once again beaten by older women. Yay!) Sadly, the older women stumble in the second round, with Chase and Benry moving on. In the end, Chase is triumphant. (And I must say that Chase looks amazingly chiseled with a layer of mud accentuating his pecs. We need to see more of that.)

Jeff informs Chase that he gets to take two peeps with him when he travels to this resort where people want to rub their bodies. Chase decides to go with Holly (fair) and Jane (whoops), despite his promise to Sash that Sash should go on a Reward. Uh oh.

Sash in a sidebar: “That was incredibly stupid” on Chase’s part. Yes, it was, from a political perspective. But it was fun watching you be disappointed, yes?

Cut to the 4 losers going back to camp, all muddy and despondent. Fabio tells everybody that “Chase picked the two strategic players”. (Which means that Fabio doesn’t really understand the word “strategy”.) Sash in a sidebar: That was a stupid move. (Got it, Sash.) But he still thinks he can manipulate the remaining three guys at camp to do his bidding. (Are you sure about that, Sash? Cause you look kind of puny leaning against that tree.)

Sash goes to the three guys and pleads his case. I can be with you guys and we can conquer the world. Dan is initially all for this. (Why wouldn’t he be? He’s completely worthless and will side with anyone who keeps him in the game.) But then Dan gets a little mouthy, pointing out that Sash could just as easily “go the other way”. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s always considered that option, on the island or off.)

Dan in a sidebar, which he doesn’t really deserve, but let’s go with it: “People don’t trust Sash after what he did to Brenda and Marty.” As if anybody should trust DAN, who connives to vote for anybody that’s not him.

Cut to Chase, Holly and Jane at the Reward spa, where they are munching on fruit and getting clean. (Not really sure why we had to see Holly nearly naked, but I suppose somebody out there was probably interested in that opportunity.) Jane is totally psyched about getting to sleep in a Tiki Hut overnight, which is a little odd, but we should let her live her dreams.) While Jane is washing the crust off her body in the outdoor shower, Chase fesses to Holly. Chase: “I made a mistake in picking Jane. It was stupid.” Holly: Yes, it was. We’ll talk later.

Back at camp, we have Fabio and Benry. Fabio: We’ve got to convince Sash to go our way. Benry: He’s not stupid. He will. Then Fabio, Benry and Sash are involved in killing Jane’s chicken (“Kelly-Nay”) while Dan relaxes in the shelter like he’s done since Day One, then they all feast. Uh oh.

Jane, arriving back at camp with Chase and Holly, is distraught over the untimely death of her beloved chicken. “They didn’t have to eat her! I did love my chicken.” Then Jane makes a memorial to the chicken, complete with a cross and a heart in the sand made out of shells. (Which should be really touching, and I do feel sorry for her tears, but Jane, the chicken is protein. At some point your feathered friend had to say goodbye.)

Holly, Chase and Jane. Holly: I don’t trust Sash. Chase: We have to make him trust us. (Agreed. But how are you going to do this? Perform a medley of Village People hits?)

The four loser guys wander back into camp (no word on where they might have been when the Reward people arrived back from the spa where people were willing to touch their private parts and make them feel better). Sash is all huggy with Jane and Holly, but doesn’t do so with Chase, because that action might confirm some things Sash doesn’t want confirmed.)

Ben in a sidebar: I’m nervous. I’m not sure where I stand.

Benry then runs to Chase. He fishes for what Chase and his alliance think about who should go home. Chase hints that it should be Fabio. Oh?

Chase and Sash. Chase is apologetic, regretting about “not taking you”. But “I trusted you to come back to camp with the guys” and not waver. (Oh, good spin, Chase.) Sash then fumbles around, making it clear that diplomacy is not one of his better skills, but he wants to make sure that Chase will take him to the final 3 or 2. Chase agrees. Oh?

Then Holly wanders up to the two, fresh from getting her perm restyled at the Coconut Grove Snip and Clip. Who are we voting for? Chase: Benry said we should go for Fabio. Sash: Benry is totally lying to you. Holly: Does anyone know where I can get a Brazilian wax?

Benry runs to tell Fabio and Dan that that the others are talking about Fabio going home. Fabio doesn’t seem to understand what this means, and Dan high-fives himself for once again slipping under the radar.

Benry in a sidebar: You can’t trust Sash. He’s friends with Momma Holly (he is?), but Chase is “my boy” (he is?), and maybe it’s time for a new alliance.

Ben runs up to Chase, Sash and Holly. He’s good with Fabio going home. Sash: It should be Jane or Fabio next. Chase and Holly just look at Sash like he’s lost his mind. Jane? Are you kidding?

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You’ll be chained to a long rope, wrapped around this thing that looks like something you would tether a horse to, and you have to untangle yourself to release enough rope so you can run fetch a bag of gold coins. The first 3 to do so will compete in the next phase, where you have to solve a “gold-based” puzzle to win. (What the hell is a “gold-based” puzzle? Is this something the Kardashians have to deal with?)

Off we go, with Fabio, Benry and Sash making it to the final stage. In the end, Sash wins, although Fabio is close behind with the puzzle thing. (Don’t get excited, he’s still stupid, he only got close because he was watching Sash figure out the puzzle.) Sash is safe from eviction.

Shot of creepy birds holding their wings out and planning to devour smaller creatures.

Sash in a sidebar: Now I’m a triple threat, with the Hidden Idol, the Immunity Idol, and the swing vote. I’m in complete control. I can’t wait for the Final Tribal where I win all the money.

Really don’t care for Sash. Sayin.

Fabio to Sash: Will you let me know if my name comes up? Sash: Sure! (Uh huh.)

Fabio in a sidebar: Sash is closer to me than anybody. He’ll let me know. (Uh huh.)

Sash, Chase and Dan. Chase: Everybody’s thinking Fabio. Sash and Dan just stand there, because Sash is playing all sides and can’t remember who he might have lied to, and Dan because he’s too tired to think about actually doing anything with his life.

Sash in another sidebar, with him once again proving his arrogance whilst propped in a tree that he probably needed help in climbing. (I’m guessing Jane gave him a boost while she raced off to save the rainforests.)

Brief squabble at camp, with all the people who are not Fabio trying to decide what to tell Fabio so he won’t be suspicious. Benry thinks it would be better to tell him folks are voting for Holly rather than Jane. Then Benry runs off to impart this news with Fabio, who was too stupid to wonder why everybody was gathered at camp and having a Come to Jesus meeting.

Scene with Sash working Jane, calling her his “second momma”. Jane in a sidebar: It’s Chase, Holly, Sash and me for Final Four. Sash has a great heart. (Oh, honey, we need to talk.) Then Jane runs off to search for the Lost City of Atlantis. And she’ll probably find it.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff can’t help himself when bringing in the Jury, calling NaOnka and Purple Kelly “our two quitters”. They don’t seem to care, since they’ve been sleeping in an actual bed. (And don’t get me started on why they are even allowed to vote on the Jury. This too shall pass.)

Jeff to Chase: Was it such a good move taking Holly and Jane on the Reward extravaganza? Chase: Probably not. Then he flexes his pecs, and it doesn’t really matter.

Jeff to Benry: Concerned that you might be perceived as a physical threat? Benry: Hell, yeah, I’m a threat. (Note to Benry: This is when you need to shut your mouth. Seriously.)

Jeff to Jane: Is Fabio a threat? Jane: Oh, yeah. Well, except for the intelligence part. (Love her.)

Jeff to Fabio: How do you deal with being a physical threat? Fabio: Um, that’s a lot of words, but I think I should say that I’m nice and don’t lie.

Uh huh.

Time to Vote.

1 vote for Holly (Fabio), 2 votes for Fabio (Danny and Benry), and 4 votes for Benry.

Oopsie. Blindside.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #181 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 12

Editor’s Note: For those keeping score, I didn’t do a review of Episode 11, since it was one of those “recap” things where you don’t really learn anything new although it’s still fun to watch idiots flail and run about. But now we’re back to the new stuff. Here we go…

Since it’s been two weeks, Jeff catches us up on the major highlights of what’s happened so far. (This is an important humanitarian thing to do, since in this modern age we no longer have an attention span that lasts longer than 5 minutes.) Cut to the Libertad camp, where people are wandering back home after totally-surprised Brenda was sent home.

Totally-surprised Purple Kelly goes up to NaOnka. What just happened? Why did we send Brenda home? Why didn’t anybody tell me? Nay: Who are you again?

Throughout all the people tottering around in front of the night-vision cameras, knocking each other out of the way to get a sidebar, we have shots of torrential rain and things floating out to sea.

Sidebar with Purple Kelly: “Now I’m at the bottom of the totem pole.” Then she pauses to wonder if what she just said sounds too dirty to say on family TV.

Holly and NaOnka. Holly: What Brenda said about you? Don’t worry. In one ear and out the other. You good.

Nay in a sidebar: Everybody can kiss my ass. Or something like that. It’s Nay.

Chase and NaOnka. Chase: “It’s you, me, Holly and Jane. Now we gotta get Sash, Purple Kelly, and Fabio.” (Um, what about Danny and Benry? Granted, Dan has been in a coma this entire season, except when food is available, but Benry is something to be reckoned with, mainly because you know he’s bitter about his name and has something to prove.)

Weird shot of NaOnka looking tragic with a distant storm superimposed behind her. Uh oh.

Roll opening credits.

Oh look, it’s still storming. We watch the previously cute little river turn into a raging avalanche of froth, with trees and small, pointless nations being swept into the ocean. Everyone is really sad about this development. Especially NaOnka. She’s crying and stuff, telling us in a sidebar that she’s anemic, and when it rains it causes her joints to hurt. Okay, that doesn’t sound like much fun, but sweetie, does it not rain where you normally live? Doesn’t the same thing happen there?

And Purple Kelly is blue as well, also crying, babbling to Fabio and to us in a sidebar that life is miserable. Total suckage. Fabio in his own sidebar: “You have to find a mental happy place.” (I’m thinking Fabio not only found that place, he’s moved there and is never coming back to the real world.)

The storm finally breaks. The sun shines, the waves recede, and chirpy birds return to frolic and sing. Then Jane kills all of the birds with Marty’s abandoned and crusty headband so she can smoke some bird jerky and make an extra shelter out of the bird bones. In her spare time, she rebuilds the Mayan pyramids.

NaOnka and Chase. She fesses that her heart’s not in the game, and that “I’ve had this key forever”, meaning the Hidden Immunity Idol. So she gives it to Chase. “You my boy.” What was that all about? If Nay’s not quitting the game, then she’s totally ate up with the dumbass.

Holly and Jane. Holly: If Purple Kelly and Nay leave, we still have 4 with Sash and Chase. (Sash? Dude-ettes, what makes you think you can trust Sash?) Then Holly runs off to tell Sash and Chase about the new alliance. They both try to pay attention, but they are completely distracted by her hair. How does she get it to curl that way?

Sash in a sidebar: This new alliance benefits me least. I wish NaOnka and Purple Kelly would stay. (Then Sash trips over his own ego and bangs his head on a rock shaped just like Brenda. He doesn’t get the point.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

As folks march into the clearing, we can see what looks like giant corpses laid out on morgue tables, so I’m not sure where this is going. Jeff explains: There will be two teams, with members tied together, and they have to carry these giant and very heavy “Gulliver’s” over an obstacle course. If you drop Gully, you have to go back and repeat the previous obstacle. The winning team gets to travel to the “Survivor Cinema” and watch a new movie, “Gulliver’s Travels”, starring Jack Black. (Shameless plug, much?)

The castaways just stare at Jeff. How is that a reward?

Jeff: Oh, and you get to eat movie food, like hot dogs and nachos and popcorn and candy.

The tribe lights up. Let’s do it! They split into teams, with Danny (big surprise) having to sit out so the teams will be even. (He has to pick a team to win, so he goes with the Blue Team.) Holly, Nay, Chase and Benry are on the Blue Team. Sash, Fabio, Purple Kelly and Jane are on the Yellow Team. And off we go. It’s really kind of fun watching these people lug around the giant dead people, and it’s also a very close race, with the lead changing constantly. But in the end, the Blue Team wins. (Which means that Danny has once again done nothing but still reaps rewards.)

While Jeff is congratulating the winners, NaOnka interrupts. “Can I say something?” Jeff nods. Nay: My body is wearing down. This is my last day. I just wanted to go out with a bang.

Jeff is instantly pissed. He never likes it when people quit. Jeff: “Anybody else?”

Purple Kelly: Me, too. I’m done.

Jeff is not accepting this. “I’ll give you the afternoon to think about it. Then we’ll meet at Tribal.” (Translation: You had better not quit or I will cut you.) Jeff: Now, back to the Reward. If anybody on the winning team wants to give up their chance to chow down on movie food, then the whole tribe can take back a tarp and enough rice to last to the end of the game.

All eyes immediately turn to NaOnka, since she’s on the winning team and has already said she’s quitting.

Nay just sits there, not saying a word. (Girl, you are SO wrong.)

Benry even tries telling her that she should give up her spot. Nay couldn’t care less. Finally, Holly volunteers to take one for the camp. Holly glares at Nay as she joins the losing team, then goes OFF in a sidebar. She is DONE with NaOnka at this point.

Cut back to camp. The sad losers are bustling about, prepping for yet another storm and praising Holly for her sacrifice. Holly drags Purple Kelly off to the beach for a reality check. Holly: If you quit, you’re always going to be remembered as “the girl who quit“. You need to suck it up.

Purple Kelly in a sidebar: “I have nothing left to suck.” (Oh my.)

Holly in a sidebar: “I’m starving, but I hope that I’m an inspiration for my children.”

Just saying: Holly’s a bit whacked in the head, but she’s creeping toward a possible win. Jane (my current fave) better watch out.

Cut to the “Survivor Cinema”, where folks are going crazy with the junk food. (The shot of Danny shoving an entire hot dog in his mouth is enough to make anyone fear for their life.) Chase in a sidebar: He’s mad about Nay not giving up her movie pass. NaOnka in a sidebar: “I didn’t give 110% just to give up the Reward.” ( Hold up, skank girl, you’re going home. Why are you being such a selfish pig?) Benry in a sidebar: “NaOnka, please, please, leave!”

Then we have shots of the gang totally cracking up at the movie. Granted, we only get to see a few clips, but it’s enough for me to decide that I never want to see this movie, ever, even if they pay me. (Why is Hollywood producing so much crap these days? Oh, that’s right, the Republicans are blocking any progress in Congress. My bad.)

Nay in a sidebar: “If I stay, I can win a million dollars!”

Brian in a sidebar: No, you can’t. People hate you. Go home.

Time for Tribal.

It’s raining once again, so everybody has to troop in looking all pathetic and drippy. (Strange side note: Why does the Jury (Alina, Marty, Brenda) look so happy and chipper? Did I miss something? They should be pissed.) Jeff to Holly: Tell me how you overcame your desire to quit early in the game. Holly gladly obliges, launching into her diatribe about how Jimmy Johnson helped her find Jesus again. (Or at least a season pass for the Dallas Cowboys.)

Jeff to Jane: What would you like to share with the totally worthless people that want to quit? Jane: You gotta have strength, and I hope they stay. (Then Jane runs off to reinforce the Tribal Council platform using some coconuts and a hip bone that she doesn’t really need.)

Jeff to Benry: What do you think about the skanky ho’s? Benry: I’m frustrated that they’re whining when I know they can make it through the last few days. (Then Benry falls off his stump chair, whacking his head on a piece of Jeff’s ego and screaming that Marty’s headband is about to kill him. No one cares.)

Jeff to NaOnka: Did you ever have a chance of winning this game?

Nay: Yes. I know I did.

This makes Jeff twist off even more, so he revisits the point where NaOnka could have given up her spot to watch a movie so the rest of the tribe could have a tarp and rice. Wasn’t that a bit selfish?

Nay: Nope.

(Shot of Jeff doing all he can not to leap over the fire and throttle NaOnka.)

Jeff: Fine. Time for a decision about who’s going to quit. NaOnka?

Nay: I’m gonna quit.

(Jeff’s so clenched right now that the grinding off his teeth could realign the planet.) Jeff: Purple Kelly?

Purp: I’m gonna quit.

Several blood vessels pop in Jeff’s forehead. Jeff: So, loser bitches, what should we do with your torches since you’re whiny quitters? Both of them: Snuff them out like anyone else. Jeff: Oh, no. I’m going to keep your torches in the Tribal area as a reminder that you quit. (That boy is MAD.)

So Jeff does the snuffing, barely civil to either Nay or Purple, then prominently displays their smoldering torches around the Tribal Hut. Jeff to the remaining tribe: It’s time to step it up and actually start playing this game.

Closing shot is of the Jury, incensed that they were voted out by people who are now quitting. Alina appears to be crying, but I’m not sure if it’s because of the unfairness of her situation, or if she just heard that Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet and he’s not interested in women. Because that was such a surprise.

Roll closing credits.

Searching For Signal: #180 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 10

So, everyone’s marching back to camp after they sent a very-surprised Marty marching through that creepy cemetery that probably doesn’t lead to anywhere fun. For the most party, everyone seems relieved that Marty and his hair are gone, except for Benry and Fabio. Then again, every single thing that ever happens seems to confuse Fabio, so we shouldn’t be surprised.

Brenda in a sidebar: Tribal Council showed the allegiances tonight. “We took out their little Marty.” Everyone thinks Sasha and I are the king and queen, but really, “Sash is more of a queen, and I’m the king.” (Then Brenda looks around for a swarthy peasant to race up and wash her feet with his hair. This doesn’t immediately happen.)

Jane and Holly get together. Holly: Now it’s you, me, Chase and NaOnka. (It is?) “Brenda has to be stopped.” Holly in a sidebar: “It’s time to make a power move.” (Then crickets chirp while sitting in Holly’s mass of kinky hair as she tries to figure out what a “power move” might be.)

Roll opening credits.

Shots of people wandering around and fussing about the rain. Fabio in a sidebar, while we watch folks perform what he’s talking about: We moved the chests around the fire to protect it from the water. (Um, is that really a good idea?)

Glimpses of Holly and Jane strategizing, with Holly pushing for a blindside of Brenda. Since Jane always seems to have the same expression no matter what, it’s hard to tell what she’s thinking. But Holly is super energized about this power move thing. In a sidebar: I could really keep going in this game! (Then dead crickets fall out of her hair and she thinks it’s raining again.)

Holly and Benry get together. Holly: “Sash and Brenda are in total control!” She then proceeds to lay out what’s happening at camp, and she’s actually very good in making her case, to the point that I’m thinking somebody replaced the person playing Holly during the middle of the night. It can happen. Just ask the cast of “Bewitched”. (In another sidebar, Benry confirms that he wants Sash and Brenda gone. Then again, this is the same guy that thought Marty walked on salty water.)

Shots of Jane running to work on NaOnka about sending Brenda home. Nay seems hip with it, but keep in mind that Nay spends most of her day ate up with the dumb-ass, and you never know what she’s going to do.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Brenda’s like my best friend out here,” but she’s too powerful and we need to get her out. (Then Nay imagines that she hears a bird on the other side of the island talking smack about her, so she runs through the jungle to cut its throat.)

Holly marches up to Chase, with details of the Brenda plan. Chase, surprisingly, is not enthused about this. Really? Why would he not be?

Chase in a sidebar: “Benry should go first!” I don’t trust him. (Dude, I don’t trust him, either, but he’s a bit on the simple side. Worry about him later.)

Holly in a sidebar: “Chase is leery about sending Brenda home, which makes me a little nervous.” (Then Little Orphan Annie races up and asks if Holly is her momma, because they have the same hair.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff explains: There will be two teams of five. You have to use barrels, ropes and planks to cross a section of beach. If anybody touches actual sand, your team will have to start over. Winning team gets to traipse around the edge of an active volcano, and then go have pizza. Survivors ready? Go!

It’s really not a contest. The yellow team (Brenda, Benry, Dan, Holly and Sash) completely suck, with people falling on their asses and Useless Dan somehow smashing his hand even though he isn’t doing anything. The blue team (Chase, NaOnka, Jane, Fabio and Kelly) basically race across the beach and triumph. They be gettin’ some pizza, yo.

Cut to the winners climbing out of a helicopter on top of this volcano. Part of the festivities include these folks riding boards down a slope of volcanic ash. They all whoop and holler like it’s the best thing ever, including Jane, who ends her ride by uttering “That was fun as crap!” (Still love her. Just keep it together, girl, and you just might make it to the end.)

Cut back to camp, where the sad losing team hasn’t arrived yet, but we see, as we sort of suspected, that the stupid decision to place wooden chests around the fire, “to protect it”, has had disastrous results. Flames are billowing and things are exploding. Not good.

And here comes the yellow team, totally stunned that the camp now looks like somebody had a frat party and things got out of hand. Ashes are everywhere, the chests are gone, the tarp over the hut is melted, and most of the food has moved on to a better place. Disparaging remarks are made.

Back to the volcano, where happy people are feasting on pizza and fixins’, totally unaware that the homestead has suffered a blow. Once fed and belching, they start to strategize, when NaOnka suddenly jumps up and drags Fabio away. (The other three just sit there, because when it comes to Nay, she just doesn’t have the social skills that a decent person should have.)

Off to the side, NaOnka spills the Brenda plan to Fabio. Interestingly enough, he’s quite fine with it, as long as they don’t let Brenda know about it. (Duh, Fabio. You would have to be an idiot to tell Brenda what was going on.)

Speaking of, once the volcano pizza eaters return to camp, Chase runs to tell Brenda what is going on. “And it’s Holly that is orchestrating the plan.” And Benry. (Well, Holly may have started it, but everybody else is knocking each other down to join the band wagon. Shouldn’t you tell Brenda that as well? Wait, my bad, I forgot that Chase having more than one thought in his head makes him go to a dark place.)

But get this. Brenda’s reaction in a sidebar: “I don’t have to do anything to beat them. I’m not that impressed.”

My fingers are so firmly crossed at this point that they kick her out that my fingers have almost snapped in two.

Quick meeting with Chase and NaOnka. He’s really pushing for Benry to go home. (What is his deal with Benry?)

NaOnka immediately runs to tell Benry. Dude, Chase wants your ass, and not in a fun way.

Benry in a sidebar: Chase is crazy.

NaOnka, always a very busy girl, runs to tell Jane that Chase is wigging out. (Jane in a sidebar: Chase better not go back on his word to me. “Carolina people don’t like that.”)

NaOnka, still busy, break-dances her way to Holly. Nay: “I don’t trust Chase.” Holly: “TOLD you. What the hell is wrong with Chase?” (Then they both pause to wave at Jeff Probst’s luxury yacht as it sails past in the bay.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains again: You have to stand on this very small platform and lean back over water while holding a rope. Every five minutes, you have to move your hands further down on the rope. Last person still leaning wins.

Sash drops almost right away. (Really? The king of the island?) Kelly tumbles next, followed by Holly, Brenda (yay!), Dan, Fabio and NaOnka. All of this in the first round. The remaining folks then have to move down to a lower section of the rope. Benry splashes into the water next, leaving just Jane and Chase. They hang for a while, then Chase starts smack-talking about how he can last forever. Jane, visibly trembling, announces that she’s going to drop.

Jeff ain’t havin’ none of that. He tells Jane that she is NOT going to just give up. (Me thinks Jeff is a tiny bit sweet on Jane. He didn’t say a word to the previous eight people who took the plunge of shame.) Jane hunkers down. And Chase falls.

So Jane, oldest one of them all, once again beats out all the young studs and wins Immunity. This pleases me immensely.

Back at camp, we have the traditional scurrying as folks figure out who gets to tromp through the creepy cemetery.

Jane in a sidebar: I’m thrilled that I won! As long as she doesn’t have an Idol, Brenda is going home.

Sash and Chase get together. Sash: So, who’s going home. Chase, incomprehensibly, is still pushing for Benry to go. (Then both of them pause to admire their reflections in a nearby puddle, until NaOnka comes along and stomps in the puddle, because it gets on her nerves when people are happy.)

NaOnka, once her feet are dry, runs to Sash. Nay: “Chase is pissing me off, he’s so paranoid.” Then she spills about the Brenda plan. To SASH. (This is SO risky, Nay, why are you doing this?) Amazingly, Sash admits in a sidebar: “It’s not a bad idea” to send Brenda home. Oh? Guess you all weren’t so tight after all. Heyyy.

Scene with Chase and Fabio. Chase is about to share some intricate intel, but nosey Holly comes waltzing up, still shaking crickets out of her nest hair. She pushes once more for the Brenda plan, then she runs off to have her curls tightened even more so her brain doesn’t completely fall out.

Brenda and Chase. Brenda: So what’s the game plan? Chase: You. There’s not enough numbers to save you. Brenda: Nay would never vote for me. Chase: Uh….

Brenda in a sidebar: I just gotta be strong and act like I’m not bothered by all of this. (Honey, you should be bothered. Even your besties are throwing your name out. This is not the time to be acting all Zen and assuming the planets will align to keep you here. Time for some suck-up groveling, yes?)

Brenda, Chase and Sash. Brenda, mainly to Sash, because she doesn’t think that Chase has the intellect to understand: “There’s no way you can get the numbers back if I go home tonight.” (I guess it hasn’t occurred to Brenda that even if she stays, the numbers aren’t what she thinks they are. This is my favorite part of “Survivor”, when clueless people, especially arrogant clueless people, can’t see the light.)

But maybe things aren’t so grim for Brenda. Sash in a sidebar: “I might have to give the Idol to Brenda.” Followed by Brenda in a sidebar: “I hope Sash gives me the Idol, and then we can blind-side NaOnka.”

Time for Tribal.

Jeff tries to get Sash’s thoughts on how things are going in camp, and Sash lies out his ass about how he was totally surprised by Marty going home the last time. (Dude, you voted for him to go.) Jeff then prods at Chase, with him admitting “the strong alliances are gone”. Brenda, irked by this, tries to throw people under the bus: “NaOnka is wanting to jump ship.”

A brief pause while we reflect that NaOnka jumped ship a long time ago, and will probably never be back on deck.

Jeff pokes at Nay: Jumping ship? Nay: I’m not the one that started all this. (Which is kind of true. Holly started it. But Nay had no problem picking up the ball and running like a bat out of hell.)

Jeff to Kelly: Your thoughts? Kelly: “This is the first council where I don’t know what’s going on.” (The first council? Are you serious with that?)

Jeff to Sash: What happens when you break trust? Sash: You go home. (Oh? But you broke your trust with Marty, Sash. You’re still here. What up with that kind of response?)

And here’s the kicker. Jeff tries to find out from Brenda how she’s been acting in camp to keep her chances alive, and he gets fed up with her egotistical responses: “Are you too proud for the word ‘scrambling’?”

Brenda: “I think so.”

Oh my.

Time for the vote.

Jeff does the tally thing, then: “Anyone want to play the Idol?”

Brenda turns to look at Sash, her expression clearly indicating that she expects him to fork it over. He doesn’t, instead pretending that there is something completely fascinating off to the side that he really needs to look at.

1 vote for NaOnka (Brenda), 1 vote for Benry (Kelly, of all people, so I guess she really didn’t know what was going on), and 8 votes for Brenda. She gone.

Jeff: Well, there’s one thing to be learned here. If you want to win, you’ve got to fight for it.

Then the tribe wanders away to go sleep with the ashes.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #179 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 9

We start out at the Libertad camp, right after they’ve sent Alina packing. NaOnka in a sidebar: She thinks Marty went too far in his attacks on Jane. (Which is true, he did, but Nay, dumplin‘, you go too far with everything, so I’m not sure that you and that thing on your head should be the one talking about this.)

We see Chase whispering to Brenda: Please tell me you didn’t buy that crap Marty was spewing. Brenda acts like she was all offended by Marty, but you know Brenda’s a sneaky one so she’s probably thrilled that it happened. Then Jane gives her a wake-up call: “Well, wait until he attacks you, honey.” Brenda should really consider this, but she’s too busy waiting for someone to hand her the money because she thinks she’s already won.

Cut to Jane in a sidebar: She has nothing but glowing things to say about wonderful Mr. Marty. Not. “He knows his days are numbered.”

Roll opening credits.

Right when we come back from the commercials, the producers unleash something on the soundtrack that sounds like a man being torn apart by wild pigs. Since we have the volume cranked so we don’t miss any important snide remarks in a sidebar, this screech-noise echoes up and down the block, with lights popping on in neighboring houses. I don’t know what that was, but they don’t need to do it again.

We see Marty and Sash doing something with a water barrel, with Marty trying to figure out which other person voted for him at the last tribal. (It was Holly.) Marty in a sidebar: “It’s frustrating trying to play the game with people that are just stupid.” Well, Marty, it’s also frustrating playing with arrogant buttheads, so that makes it a level playing field, don’t you think? Now go do something on a part of the island where the cameras can’t reach you.

Next we have folks standing around eating rice, because that’s always exciting. Marty tells Benry and Dan what the plan is (because he’s the only one smart enough to have a plan, right?). Marty wants to tell everyone that they are voting for NaOnka, to flush the Idol out, and then actually send Jane home. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-Worthless both nod like this is the greatest plan, ever. (Of course, someone has to run up and nod Dan’s head for him, because he can’t do it on his own.)

Jane in a sidebar: Like I can’t hear you, Marty. Dumb-ass. Marty knows there’s a noose around his neck and he’s desperate. “I’d like to take him to the woodshed and whip his ass.” (Love her.)

Time for the Reward Challenge, with the winners getting to ride zip-lines and then have a nice barbecue. (When folks hear about the fixins that await at the barbecue, most of them have involuntary orgasms, especially Brenda, who apparently has a very special relationship with apple pie.) To win, your team just has to be the first to negotiate a very strenuous obstacle course, find three keys, then open three locks at the end of the run. Jeff announces that they will now randomly draw for the two teams.

Random? We end up with all the ladies on one team, and all the guys on the other, with Chase having to sit out so the teams are even. No offense, ladies, but this isn’t really fair, with such a physical challenge. The guys are already smirking, instantly assuming that they will win, so of course we have to root for the girls.

Jeff turns to Chase, and makes him pick a team to win. If that team does succeed, he gets to fly through the air and eat barbecue with them. Otherwise, nada. Chase opts to side with the women, which earns him the undying hatred of the guys. And off we go.

At first it’s really close, but since we’re dealing with things like breaking through strong brick walls, the guys eventually pull ahead. (The first time the girls hit that brick wall, they bounce right off, which would have been funny if critical things like apple pie weren‘t involved.) Dan, of course, basically has to be carried through part of the course, but the guys eventually win. And as expected, the guys give Chase all sorts of smack for not picking them.

Interesting twist: Jeff asks the guys if any of them are willing to give up their spot so one of the girls can go, with Jeff pointing out that this is a social and strategic game. The guys take one millisecond to all say no. Jeff: See that? “Whatever alliances exist, they aren’t existing right now.” Word.

Marty in a sidebar: “Watching Chase join Jane was like watching the movie “Dumb and Dumber”. (Whatev, Marty. You’re such a jerk.)

Cut to the boys riding the zip lines. They seem to be having a good time and all, except for Dan. Even when riding something designed to make him go fast, he falls apart. He doesn’t even have to do anything, which is his specialty, but he still can’t handle it, inching along like it’s jello time at the old folks home.

They finally get to the food, where Marty promptly starts babbling about his plan to trick NaOnka and send Jane home. The guys all seem to be on board, but it’s hard to gauge their true feelings when they’re all shoving sausages in their mouths. (Danny eats and drinks more than anybody, because it’s HARD WORK doing nothing all day.)

Fabio, of all people (he’s not the sharpest fool in the bed), wonders what Brenda thinks of Chase, which is a good question. Brenda is pivotal. Marty doesn’t really care, like Chase is completely unimportant. Dan agrees about Chase. (“He’s a bad horse to ride.” Yep, Dan said that. Even the cameraman stumbles when he hears Dan saying somebody else is worthless.)

Sash in a sidebar: Marty’s plan makes sense, but “Brenda and I are the two smartest minds out here. In the end, she and I have the power to send whoever we want home.” (I’d still sleep with one eye open, Sash. It’s the people who relax and get too comfortable in this game that usually get hit with a blindside. Sayin.)

Back at camp, the girls all love on Chase for supporting them. Well, except for Brenda, in a sidebar: He didn’t make a smart move. He should have went with the guys. “Chase doesn‘t make smart moves, that‘s his problem.” (Really? Can you count, Brenda? The five girls plus Chase can trump any vote coming from the five other guys. Oh, wait. You and Sash are joined at the arrogant hip. My bad.)

Anyway, Brenda aside, they all want Marty out. Holly and Chase have a sidebar where they worry about Brenda, but they end the convo with Holly saying “You gotta trust her. That’s all you can do.” (No, you actually should do more than that, but I understand that you may not have time, since it takes so long for you to shove all that hair of yours under your buff.) Chase and NoOnka chat, with Chase still worried about Brenda. Nay warns him about upsetting Brenda: “Just don’t get on her nerves.”

Chase, not listening, proceeds to do just that, cornering Brenda on the beach and grilling her, while NaOnka sits nearby and shakes her head over the stupid farm boy. Cue Brenda in a sidebar: “Chase is like a little baby, always going waah-waah-waah.”

Next we have Marty walking up with tree mail about the next Immunity challenge, which is going to be a memory test. Jane in a sidebar: “Anybody needs to win, except for Marty.” Yep. Then Jane runs off to chop wood, plow a field and shoe some horses, all before supper.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Basically, Jeff is going to show them several images in a row. Then the players have to show him these same images back using a multi-sided cube. As soon as you mess up, you’re out. Jane, NaOnka, Dan, Holly, Kelly and Sash all drop in the first round. Fabio (yep, he made it this far, can you believe it?), Chase and Benry drop during the second round, with Marty and Brenda being the final two alive. Brenda wins. (Jane practically explodes with joy.)

Back at camp, the scrambling begins. We start with Fabio and Benry, wondering if their plan to evict Jane will work. Fabio actually says this line: “I hate playing stupid so much.” Uh huh. Anyway, they decide to lay low and see how it goes. Next up is Marty, Dan and Chase, with Marty telling Chase it’s going to be Nay. (Marty tries using a sports analogy that doesn’t really prove anything other than the fact that Marty plays different sports than anybody else.)

Shot of Marty on the beach, looking paranoid as hell, while Jane sits nearby, plotting his death.

Chase and Holly, with Holly wondering what Marty has said to him. Chase fesses that they’re saying NaOnka, but he thinks they plan to blindside Jane. (Smart man.) Holly: “So, who are you voting for?” Chase: “I’m voting for Marty.” Holly carries on this conversation by constantly shoving fruit in her mouth, so she might have some focus issues.

Marty runs up to Brenda, presenting his plan as “Sash’s plan”. That’s what everybody wants. (Brenda in a sidebar: “I agreed to it, but Marty’s not running the camp. Sash and I are running the camp.” )

Brenda and Sash get together, where they agree that Marty would probably be a good choice, but both of them are bothered by the fact that most of the camp wants Marty gone, and they don’t like “Jane demanding things”.

Seriously, they are mad that Marty wasn’t their own decision, even though they agree with it. What the hell? How more self-involved can you get? (Me? More than ready for Marty to go, but right behind that I can’t wait to see Brenda and Sash slam up against the wall of reality. Should be fun.) Sash actually says he’d prefer that Marty stay for a while because he’s a good cook.

What is wrong with these two?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff asks several questions, but it really comes down to one thing: NaOnka completely loses her mind. She snaps at Jeff, tears into Marty (“I don’t like him!”), rips into Fabio, and basically goes on an expletive-filled rant. Jeff: “I’m speechless. Something tells me that if you can go off like this, tribal after tribal, and you’re still here, I’m expecting you to still be sitting here at the final.”

Oh?

Time to vote.

Jeff asks about the Idol, and NaOnka doesn’t move. Something is up.

Jeff draws out the results.

Jane, Marty, Jane, Jane, Jane, Marty, Marty, Marty… and… another Marty. When Marty sees that fifth vote for him, the look of utter shock on his face is priceless. Smirking, Jeff reveals another vote for Marty, and that’s enough, he’s going home. It seems that Brenda and Sash decided that Marty wasn‘t that great a cook after all. (Jane winks at a grinning Alina on the jury.)

I crack a beer, because it’s time to celebrate.

In the previews for next week, everybody is standing around staring at the ground, totally shocked. Benry: “This is a day from hell.”

What?

Roll closing credits.

17 Fun Things to Say to Your Partner Just to Be Annoying

1. “Is there a particular reason why you can’t unload the dishwasher? Is it a religious issue?”

2. “That button on the DVR remote that says ‘Erase All’? What happens if you accidentally push that? And what happens if I’m the one that pushed it?”

3. “You think it’s okay that the Christmas boxes are still stacked in the den? Let’s put you in the attic and see how you feel about things being in the wrong place for 11 months of the year.”

4. “I hung up on your brother. Never liked him. Too whiny.”

5. “Can I borrow that book you read? You know, the one that told you it was okay to pick all the meat off the leftover pizza and then shove it back in the refrigerator? That one.”

6. “Do you think I’m prettier than Eva Longoria?”

7. “You do realize that the people on ‘Survivor’ can’t hear you, right?”

8. “What was the name of that restaurant we ate at that one time where they had breadsticks?”

9. “Do you think pudding has feelings?”

10. “I’m taking the kids back to the store. I don’t think these are the ones we ordered.”

11. “I love pencil shavings.”

12. “What’s a word that rhymes with ‘orange’?”

13. “Guess what I’m thinking.”

14. “I don’t like my feet.”

15. “I think we should start making our own ketchup from scratch.”

16.  “I have more Facebook friends than you do.”

17. “Honey, wake up. Your snoring doesn’t bother me, of course, but the entire country just went on Defcon-4 and the house is surrounded. Could you answer the door?”

Searching For Signal: #178 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 8

We start out at the La Flor camp, with lovely shots of angry birds devouring the carcasses of dead animals. Real nice. Then we have Marty in a sidebar: “I’m a dead man walking.” Jill was a good player. “Now there are people left who have no right to be here.” Like you, Marty? Just asking.

Cut to Fabio wandering back into camp, waving tree mail. (How he even managed to find the tree mail is beyond anything I can comprehend.) Turns out that there’s a map and a key. It’s time for a merge! Everybody parties like it’s 1999, even though half the people in the tribe weren’t even born then.

Another sidebar with Marty: He thinks this merge is the greatest development ever. “I’m back in the saddle again!” Oh boy.

Roll opening credits.

Now we’re at the Espada camp, where folks stumble upon a big chest, with a note on top: Don’t open until you have the key. This gang also realizes that it’s merge time, and they have a mild celebration, although it’s not really clear if they even understand what a merge means. Benry in a sidebar: “Now we gotta start playing as individuals. And Alina has got to go.”

Dude, not sure that Alina should be your target right now. Oh wait. Your name is Benry, which is not a real name. It’s understandable if you have focus issues.

Alina tries to rally the rest of the tribe: If we all stick together, we’ll go far. Let’s get Marty!

Crickets chirp.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Nobody’s buying it.”

The La Flor tribe comes stumbling into the Espada camp, with the Espada folks stunned that Jill is gone. (So is Jill.) We zip to another Marty sidebar, because Marty is apparently the Russell in this season, getting all the camera time: “I have a new lease on life!” Thousands of people don’t cheer.

They open the mysterious chest, and find lots of food and brand-new buffs. Marty immediately dubs the new tribe “Libertad”. (It’s the Spanish word for freedom. Yay!) Everyone accepts this without discussion, so once again Marty has baffling powers over his tribe mates. They drag the chest back to camp and the feasting begins.

NaOnka in a sidebar: She babbles for a while about the wondrous joys of eating tasty food. Then, while detailing the fabulousness of some sausage she had, Nay compares the sausage to her fine booty, and then she toots.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, NaOnka actually broke wind on national TV. On purpose.

That right there goes a long way toward explaining so much about modern American society. No wonder the rest of the world doesn’t take us seriously anymore.

NaOnka, after her startling gaseous liberation, runs to find Brenda and spill some tea: You have to watch Alina. She don’t have an alliance. Brenda, unaware that Nay could easily kill her with a wave of her booty, spills as well about what has been going on since NaOnka had to go live with those horrid old people in the other camp. NaOnka: “It’s about to get real wicked!” up in here.

Um, I think it already did. Do you not see the birds dropping from the sky, gasping for breath?

Cut to Jane and Chase, with Jane running her country mouth about how she trained real dang hard to be on “Survivor”. And she owns a shotgun. (Chase in a sidebar: “She makes me miss my Momma.” Oh? Does your Momma have firearms as well? Is it required in your state?) Since they’re both from North Carolina, they decide that they completely love each other and will do anything to help each other along. At least for this episode.

Next we have NaOnka making tortillas at the campfire. She gets a little bent out of shape when her hooligan tribe mates eat all of the good tortillas and only leave her a nasty little one. So she decides to steal the sack of flour, so nobody can have tortillas again, ever. (Holly sees her do this.) We watch Nay stomp off into the jungle and bury the flour, mumbling incessantly to herself about how the world done her wrong.

But she doesn’t stop there. Nay slips back into camp and steals cooking utensils, frying pans, fruit, and one of Rupert’s tie-dye t-shirts. She dashes off to hide this loot as well. How can she possibly think this is a good idea? What is wrong with her?

Cut to a conversation between Alina and NaOnka. Alina: So, are you going to stay with the six of us (former La Flor) or get back with Brenda? (Very perceptive.) NaOnka, totally lying: Stay with the six, of course. Then Nay shows Alina all the crap that she stole. Alina seems to be a bit surprised by Nay’s actions, but this doesn’t stop her from sharing some of the fruit with Nay. NaOnka, sucking on an orange slice with ferocious intensity: “Everybody wants you out!” Alina is stunned, juice dribbling off her own chin. Why me?

NaOnka in a sidebar: I told her that just for the jury vote, so she think we tight because I warned her.

Back to the main camp, where folks are starting to realize that they got a whole mess of stuff gone AWOL. Holly calls out NaOnka. Yo, that flour you shoved in your Gucci bag before you run to the woods like the Po-Po comin’, did you put it back? Nay completely lies. Of course I put it back. Then Nay gets all huffy, mad that people are questioning her integrity. (Hello?) Fabio, of all people, completely loses it, and heated discussion ensues. Fabio cusses, Nay continues to deny, and Alina just stands there, wordless, wishing that all of this would just go away so she can go somewhere and change alliances once again.

Cut to Alina, Chase and NaOnka, trying to convince Nay to fess up. Chase: Everyone knows you did it.

Two minutes later, Nay marches into camp and does just that. To an extent. She admits to taking the flour, but only so she could “ration” it. And because Nay is Nay, she gets all street about it and snaps at the people who don’t buy her fake motive. This girl is just a twist away from a total meltdown.

Marty in a sidebar: Stealing food? On “Survivor”? Skank should go home. “But this game’s never simple”. True dat. But while we’re on the subject of what one shouldn’t do on “Survivor”, Marty, let’s review your performance. Oh, never mind, we don’t have time for that. We’d be here through the 2012 elections.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Alina confessed to being part of it. Sucks to be Alina right now.” (Actually, Brenda, Alina didn’t confess to squat, mainly because she didn’t do anything. Starting to really not like you even if your hair does look pretty in the fading sunlight.)

Chase, Sash, Brenda and Jane are sitting around, waiting for anything of the tiniest bit of interest to happen before the next challenge. They all decide that they need to distance themselves from NaOnka and her need to snatch and run. Then a bird flies overhead, and the three youngsters all scream and run for cover while Jane reaches for her trusty shotgun that isn’t there.

Sash in a sidebar: I need to take Nay to the Final Three. There is no way that anybody is going to vote for her after what she’s done. (Sash is quite confident that he’s going to be in this Final Three. I’m quite confident that Sash will be sent home before then because people are sick of his teeth being too white.)

Sash runs to NaOnka: Just keep acting like you are really sad about your crimes against nature. NaOnka nods, then seems to realize that her hairdo alone is one of those crimes, and she might have a tough sell.

Meanwhile, Jane keeps catching fish like they are falling from the sky, and she sashays into camp with her latest catch, doing one of her silly dances that somebody back on the farm ignorantly blessed as something she should actually do again. (Shot of Marty and Benry and… one of the other guys, I don’t remember… making fun of Jane. Yet they are laying on their asses in the camp hut while Jane feeds them all. I’m actually starting to really root for Jane over these lazy, self-centered, extremely egotistical losers. But I’m not bitter.)

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a cancer. She’s got to go. (Then Marty pauses to wait for hundreds of people to applaud his wisdom. This does not immediately happen.)

Marty runs to tell Brenda that Jane is the devil incarnate. Brenda just nods and waits for the camera to stop filming their conversation.

Brenda in a sidebar: Marty has the wrong impression of Jane. Maybe we need to get rid of that at Tribal. (I’m assuming that “that” is Marty, but it’s not clear.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You have to use these metal handles to keep tension on a steel bar. If you don’t keep the pressure up, the bar will fall and break a tile, and you’re out. Oh, and the last man AND woman standing will win Immunity. Ready, GO!

Within two seconds, Kelly Purple drops her rod. Within three seconds, Dan drops his. (Dude can’t blame his leg for this one. He’s just worthless all the way around.) As time goes on, they drop in this order: Alina, Brenda, Benry, Sash, NaOnka, and Holly. Which means that Jane is the last woman standing and wins Immunity.

But she doesn’t want to give up. Jane: “What if I want to beat them?” (The three remaining guys.) Jeff, possibly turned-on by Jane’s stamina, lets her continue. Marty drops, followed by Chase, meaning that Fabio wins the Guy Immunity. Fabio lets loose of his rod, but Jane doesn’t. She shifts to the side before letting go. “I don’t want to break my tile.”

Jane outlasted all the guys. It’s official, I think I’m in love and want her to win.

Quick scene with everybody marching back to camp, and Marty is royally pissed that Jane is safe at the next Tribal. Good.

Once at camp, Jane gathers all the females and pretends to just be celebrating her win, but she whispers to them “I only wanted to beat Marty. He’s my number one choice to evict.” The rest of the girls play along, laughing and pretending that nothing sinister is going on.

Scene with Purple Kelly, Jane and Alina. It seems that all the girls would love for Marty to go home. (Jane has a small orgasm upon hearing this news.) They just need to convince Sash so they can have the extra vote they need.

Scene with Jane, NaOnka, Chase and Holly. Yep, they want Marty gone.

Then, stupidly, Chase runs to tell Dan, of all people, that it’s going to be “Marty or Alina.” Chase, you idiot, this kind of dumb-assedness is why people are leery of folks from North Carolina. You are not representing well here.

Sash marches up to Jane and Chase: I promised. I have to give the Idol back to Marty if I think he‘s in danger. Don’t make me go back on my word. (Sash, do you want to win or not? That’s the question.) Jane: Then give me the Idol. You won’t have it to give it back. Sash, of course, has no intention of doing so.

Jane in a sidebar: She’s very mad about this “Idol Gives Back” agreement. “I am NOT voting for Alina.” I can’t vote for someone that I don’t think deserves to go home.

Have I mentioned that I’m sweet on Jane at the moment? Love her.

Dan runs (okay, he hobbles) to Marty, which we totally expected, spilling about what Chase told him, that it’s Marty or Alina going home. Marty immediately goes into Paranoia Mode.

Marty runs to Sash. What’s going on? Sash assures Marty that he’s not in danger.

This is not good enough for Marty. He corners Sash and Brenda. What’s going on? Dan said Chase said such and such. Sash and Brenda act like they have no idea what Chase is talking about. Marty, because he really thinks highly of himself, then starts bellowing that if anybody tries to vote him out, he will crush them. Really? With what, Marty? The Idol that you no longer have?

Scene with Alina, Jane and Holly, with all of them realizing that they probably don’t have Sash’s vote. Go to Plan B. Alina: Let’s get Fabio to vote our way. (Fabio? He has issues with remembering how to breathe.)

But Alina goes to him anyway. “Vote Marty.” Fabio: I thought we were voting NaOnka first. (Oh please. Nay has a freakin Idol. Are you not paying any attention whatsoever, Fabio?) Alina, realizing that she should use Fabio‘s stupidity to her advantage, encourages Fab to vote for Nay since it will help her cause in the end. Fabio then goes on a mindless rant about not wanting to vote for Marty. Alina tries to be a trooper and appear to be interested in his thoughts, but she finally gives up and wanders away. Fabio doesn’t even notice.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Holly: “Is the game changing?”

Holly: Yep. People will do anything to get ahead. At this point, you can’t just agree with everyone, you have to take risks.

I’m stunned that Holly actually has some insight. Did she figure this out on her own, or did she stumble across a copy of the script while sneaking onto Jeff’s yacht in order to sink one of his over-starched shirts?

Then Marty has to jump in: “I want to clear the air.” Then he rips into Jane, going way beyond reality and clearly proving that he is just an arrogant ass. “If she makes it to the Final Three, I will vote for her” because she has fooled all these people.

Jeff to Alina: Did Marty just hurt himself?

Alina: He just posed himself as the biggest threat. (Not the greatest grammar, but point taken.)

Dan, being his usual worthless self and acting like a five-year-old: “Alina and NaOnka took food!”

NaOnka: “I’M the one that took the food.” Alina didn’t have squat to do with that mess.

Jeff, apparently not hearing what Nay just said, or even bothering to review the episode that we just watched, to Alina: What do you do to get this stigma off of you?

Alina: I’m not a threat. I’m just a pawn. And people can use pawns to get the votes they need.

Very good point. But is anybody listening?

Time to vote.

Two votes for Marty (Jane and Alina). Everybody else votes for Alina.

Jeff: Alina will be the first member of the jury. But it seems that you are “still making decisions as a group. That will have to give.”

At this point, Jane should just whip out that shotgun of hers and demand the prize money. Nobody else deserves it.

Roll end credits.