10 Things I Learned From Watching The “Big Brother” Finale

1. Julie can be really bitchy.

We sort of already knew this, with her “I need an answer NOW!” barking whenever one of the contestants hesitates a fraction of a second before answering a trivia question, and the way she can have that “cobb in butt” look when interviewing some of the evictees. But last night she really had something wedged, and didn’t even let some folks finish a sentence. (Maybe it’s because the producers made her start out the show by high-fiving audience members, looking like she couldn’t wait to sterilize her hands as she tottered down the steps in her ugly designer shoes.)

2. Adam is delusional.

All summer long: “I’ve really gotta step up to the plate now! It’s time for me to win this one and show everybody what I can do! I need to make a bold move and shake the house up! I’m playing the best game ever played!”

Crickets chirp.

Dude, you sucked at everything. That one HOH that you managed to win? It’s not really winning when there’s no one left in the house but you and Shelly’s ashtray. And the constant roaring that you think is so endearing? It’s not. At all. But it might explain why you couldn’t win competitions. You were so tired from yelling and doing that rocker thing with your hands that it’s no surprise we often heard Julie say “House guests, on your mark, get set, and… whoops, Adam has already dropped out. Anyway, the rest of you… GO!”

3. I still don’t understand Tori Spelling’s hair and makeup during her guest appearance.

What was that? It keeps me up at night.

4. Rachel must have been really, really dehydrated.

All those times she kept trying to “cry” on the finale? There were no actual tears. Nothing. Oh, she had the fluttery hand movements and the scrunchy face and the high-pitched honk of a voice. But no wetness. What’s the issue there? We know she can turn on the waterworks, as evidenced by all those episodes where she flooded the entire house with her tears every time Brendan got evicted or somebody wouldn’t tell her she was pretty. She’d be flopping around on a bed, wailing and gushing saline, while poor Jordan is forced to fight for her life in the rising waters by clinging to one of Rachel’s Vegas-style breasts.

5. Kalia is just an angry person.

Everything makes her mad. Everything. And she supposedly writes a sex column back in the real world? How? Don’t you actually have to have sex with people before you can write about it? And I’m thinking she’s always too pissed off to ever have an actual orgasm. Of course, maybe she and Adam could try to hook up, giving them both the opportunity to just lay there and talk all about what they need to do without actually doing it.

6. I’m fairly certain that Lawon is still waiting to be granted a “special power” and sent back into the house.

Notice how he kept looking around the stage for someone that might hand him a sparkly wand. Notice how Julie purposely avoided asking him any unnecessary questions because nobody would understand his answers anyway. (“I’m gonna be all everywhere and BANG and WHAT?! Sure am!”) Notice how once again the BB producers have avoided hiring a gay man that is actually masculine and will kick your ass instead of sew sequins on it.

7. I just realized that I have been spelling Daniele’s name incorrectly all season.

This is probably why she didn’t win, and not the “let’s pull a power move before we even get in the house” strategy that backfired a couple of times and made things a bit unpleasant for her. My bad. But really, Danielle should have two “L’s”, right? No wonder she’s so bitter and unsatisfied. Note to expecting parents: Don’t pick trendy names for your offspring. It can keep them from winning competitions, and might lead to bad decisions about alliances and hair-coloring choices.

8. The producers try to influence the direction of the show.

Staff Meeting Person: “Okay, unless Rachel wins this next competition, we all know she’s going home. So, hey, let’s make the competition an exact replica of the first competition she won, with her using her vindictive thighs to straddle something hanging from the ceiling. No one will notice that it’s geared toward her, right?”

Wrong. We notice. Like we notice every season. But we still keep tuning in because it’s fun to watch idiots in action, mixed in with nearly-nude frolicking, random wetness, and Pandora’s Boxes that effectively change the game play even more than a floater who wakes up on day 60 and decides to actually do something other than wear a bikini.

9. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly.

You flipped so many times that I’m surprised the Ringling Brothers haven’t called you about being a featured act on the trapeze. And your final flip gave the big money to Rachel instead of Porsche. (Not that I’m really complaining about Rachel winning, she deserved it despite my complete lack of respect for her worth as a human being.) No, it’s about the flipping, honey. And, well, the inability to own your actions. And the lying. (And what the hell is an “Outdoors Industry Executive”? Did you make that up as well?)

10. I could win this game.

Except for a few stumbling blocks: I generally don’t like people. Most of them are annoying. The concept of not getting to slap folks who deserve it would be challenging. I could not remain in an alliance if all of my cohorts were stupid, especially if we have a crappy name for that alliance. I’m not sure that I could be nice to Julie Chen. There’s just something not right about her, possibly the “sleeping with the boss” angle. Or the way she insists on striking awkward poses for the camera, as if she spent way too much time as a child looking at pictures in Vogue magazine. The German edition.

Oh, and then there’s the major issue: I could not simply swing in the sex-tainted hammock and wonder what people thought about me. I would want to know and avoid too-late revelations. I would be insisting on a nightly meeting where everyone had to spill the tea in front of everyone else, so nobody ends up surprised by developments and crying their eyes out in that purposeless room that just has a big-ass daybed.

And I would be the first person voted out, by a unanimous vote according to the wickedly-grinning Chenbot. And the studio audience wouldn’t even cheer for me as I left the house because it’s the first week and nobody cares….

Sigh.

Searching For Signal: #170 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 30

It’s a live show, so we start off with Julie, almost bursting with excitement because the series run is almost over and she can quit working nights. She’s babbling about how, for the first time ever, a secret alliance has made it all the way to the end. (Um, they really didn’t, because Matty got booted some time back. Part of the alliance made it all the way, yes. Jules, don’t think you can lie to me just because your earrings cost more money than I will ever make in my lifetime.)

Then, on cue, the crowd erupts into a frenzy of worship. Because it’s the finale, half of them are waving those suspicious “homemade” signs that look like the same person made them all. These people didn’t bring those things from home. They were handed to them in the line.

Anyway, cue the Announcer guy to do his thing. It takes him a while this time, because he’s reviewing the whole season, but we don’t really see anything new or different. Of course, the producers skew things a bit making it look like The Brigade was a well-oiled machine that rolled over the rest of the house, instead of four guys who bumbled along and managed to survive by luck and circumstance.

Back to Jules, explaining how the evening is going to go. Lane and Hayden are going to play round three of the final HOH. Whoever wins will choose which guy to keep and boot the other. The loser will then scamper out into the studio and join the rest of the jury. Then Julie bellows “But first!”, so you know some filler material is headed our way. Let’s review some recent clips to see how The Brigade is now turning on one of their own. (The live studio audience screams in glee and excitement.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I win this final HOH, and I’m golden.” (But he’ll still have ugly hair where homeless people can live.)

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want the easiest person to beat sitting next to me in the Final Two.” (Think of that all on your own, did ya?) “Trouble is, I don’t know if that’s Hayden or Enzo.” (Then one of his biceps distracts him and he’s really not sure what he was talking about.)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I’m screwed right now… I’m the mastermind, I’m the Godfather, and it looks like I made a hit on myself.” (Mastermind? Dude, you totally went to a different school than me.)

Scene with Lane and Hayden in the kitchen. They’re discussing how “huge” it is that they’ve gotten this far, but it’s hard for me to pay attention because they’re both wearing some t-shirts that they’ve finger-painted with Brigade slogans. It looks like some pre-schoolers broke into the art room when they were supposed to be napping.

Hayden and his hair in the Diary Room: He wants Lane to think that if Lane takes him to the Final Two, Lane will win. So he’s decided to downplay his accomplishments in the house so Lane will feel more confident than he should. This shouldn’t be too hard, since Lane will not be getting a Mensa invitation in the mail any time soon.

Shots of Enzo at night, by himself, still babbling about how unfair it would be for him to not win. In the Diary Room: “I made the Brigade. I put all the work into it. I’m not going to lay down and die.” (This guy seriously has an altered perception of reality. Must be nice to live there.)

Hayden and Enzo on the patio. Enzo is still whining about having no power, Hayden is trying to appear supportive. “You still have a chance. Best social game ever in the history of Big Brother.” (Um, no. Sorry.) Enzo whines some more. “I only won one POV. They’re gonna chew me up.” (Well, it’s a little late to be worrying about that now, Slacker Boy. Maybe if you had taken your hands out of your pants, you might have won a few more things.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Maybe I should take Enzo.” He didn’t do squat. (Hayden, neither did you, until it got down to the end, and there was nobody in the house. Of course you’re going to win some things at that point. Enzo was too lazy, Lane was too simple, and Britney was too busy ensuring her makeup looked good on TV.)

Lane and Enzo in the kitchen. Guess what? Enzo’s still whining. Lane doesn’t think he can beat either one of them. Enzo keeps telling Lane that he can’t win against Hayden. Interspersed with this, we keep getting shots of Hayden really enjoying washing himself in the shower. No explanation is given as to the need for this.

Jules again: Up next, Britney tells the rest of the jury about The Brigade. Yay!

Commercials. If your vehicle doesn’t have Bluetooth, your life sucks, got it?

Julie talks to the Final Three in the couch room. She asks all of them pretty boring questions, so I just sit there and wait for the mess to be over with.

Cut to Britney arriving at the Jury House. She waltzes in wearing an “Alternate Brigade” t-shirt, and immediately spills all. Of course, no one takes very kindly to this news, except for Matt. Then even he blows a gasket when Britney reveals that Enzo is taking credit as the mastermind. (For the record, Ragan doesn’t cry, but he gets close.)

A bit later, the jury members all doll up and head out onto a patio to discuss the Final Three. It starts out with Rachel and Brendon thinking the Brigade got by on luck, since the rest of the house was busy fighting each other and not paying attention. (Completely on board with that.) But the others disagree. Then they start analyzing the individual three, and it’s clear that both Hayden and Enzo have some admirers.

Rachel: “I think strategically Lane played the best game.” And off we go, some people agreeing and some people completely disagreeing. Bottom line, by the end of the semi-staged discussion, it’s not clear if there’s a real favorite. Which is exactly how the BB producers want it, natch.

Time for the final round of the HOH with Hayden and Lane.

As is tradition, this round is a series of statements made by jury members, with Julie giving two possible endings to the statement. You get a point if you get it right, and the most points wins.

They both answer the first question correctly. Same with the second. And the third. And fourth. They both miss the fifth. And they miss the sixth. Tie breaker question, answer will be a number. Closest without going over wins. And Hayden gets it.

Julie: “Hayden, we’ll be back for your decision in a few minutes.”

Commercials. One of them is the E-Trade talking babies. There’s just something not right about that mess. Creepy.

Time for Hayden’s answer and the save-me speeches.

Enzo: Whatever you gotta do.

Lane: No hard feelings.

Julie: Hayden?

Hayden: Votes to evict Enzo.

Exit interview.

Julie tries to ask questions, but Enzo cannot stop talking about how great he is. Apparently life on this planet was not important or meaningful until he was born.

Julie brings out the first six members of the jury. They still don’t know about Enzo, so Julie quizzes them to build the suspense, then they finally drag Enzo out to complete the jury. They will now ask their prepared questions.

And none of the questions really change anything. Generic questions, generic answers. If there’s any distinction made, it’s that Lane is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but we, and he, already knew that.

Time to vote.

Final “save-me” speeches of the summer.

Hayden: The bottom line is when it comes down to competitions, I won more. (He pushes it a little too far, and might possibly be alienating a few people.)

Lane: He stays more with the social aspect of the game and how he played that. Winning shouldn’t be all about just the competitions. (A bit of advice, Lane: When you run out of things to say, don’t just make stuff up. Smile and sit down.)

Each member of the jury gets to vote and say some final words. Then the votes are locked in.

Jules: Up next! Annie, Monet, Andrew and Kristen are the only ones who have watched everything up to this point. We’ll bring them back and let them spill! Hurray!

Let me sum it up for you: Monet doesn’t regret calling Rachel a skanky Ho, Kristen is perfectly willing to have Hayden’s baby, Andrew is still a total geek, and we didn’t get to know Annie enough to really care. All caught up? Great.

We still have plenty of time left, so Julie kills some minutes by showing funny scenes and discussing sho-mances. It’s fine and all, but come on, folks, let’s crown the winner, okay?

Ragan is revealed as the second Saboteur, much to everyone’s surprise.

Finally, the Results:

Rachel, Brendon and Britney vote for Lane.

Kathy, Matt and Ragan vote for Hayden.

Which means Enzo casts the deciding vote, and he goes with Hayden.

Celebration ensues.

We close the show with Julie revealing America’s player:

Britney gets the $25K.

And we’re done. 30 Reviews in 10 weeks. I need a nap.

Hope you enjoyed it…

Searching For Signal: #168 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 28

We’re live, with Julie and the caterwauling audience. While they destroy the soundstage with the sheer vibration of their over-caffeinated yodeling, Julie babbles: “Enzo! Hayden! Lane! They have orchestrated every eviction this summer!” (Um, no they didn’t. But yelling at the TV screen apparently does not make Julie retract her statement.)

Then it’s the Announcer Guy, reviewing the last few episodes, and the way they frame it you would think Hayden is single-handedly saving the planet. Oh, and “The Beast, The Animal and Meow-Meow are battling it out in the jungle right now.” (Um, no, they’re sitting on swings in the relatively tame courtyard. This is not a battle in the jungle. This is a crappy ride at a sucky amusement park.) “And emotions explode in the Jury House!”

Julie: Let’s go back to the Big Brother Rainforest for the exciting conclusion of Part One in the HOH Competition! The audience screams themselves into a frenzy at this apparently life-changing opportunity.

The camera cuts to the courtyard. Enzo, Hayden and Lane. Sitting on swings and slamming into a padded wall. Over and over. Totally boring.

So we go to the Diary Room for some confessions.

Hayden: “The Brigade is dead! It’s every man for himself.” (Then he just kind of sits there, waiting for an actual man to show up, because we haven’t seen a lot of them this season.)

Enzo: “I gotta win. They aren’t gonna take me to the Final Two. I’m popular in the Jury House.” (Maybe for now. Wait until Britney shows up over there with a mouthful of choice words.)

Lane: “It shoulda been me and Britney in the Final Two.” (Well, Lane, you only have yourself to blame for that. If you’d acted sooner, Enzo and/or Hayden would be sitting in the Jury House right now, trying to avoid lacerations from Rachel’s hair extensions or Kathy’s eyelashes when she blinks.)

The we have more shots of the swings and the wall-banging in the “rainforest”. Enzo is hollering the whole time like an idiot.

Lane in the Diary Room, discussing what it feels like hitting the padded wall: “It’s like being in a Texas bar fight, when you wake up the next morning and your testicles hurt.” (One, I clearly don’t understand what happens in Texas bar fights, and two, does Lane even understand what a testicle is?)

Then Enzo falls off his little swing. A mere 19 minutes into the competition. Puh-leeze.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Enzo has zero intestinal fortitude.” (Again with people using phrases that I don’t think they actually comprehend.)

More shots of the remaining two swinging and banging.

Lane: “Where’s Enzo?”

The camera shows him inside the house, making soup and pizza. Really? This is a clear violation of Big Brother tradition, where even though you may get eliminated in a competition, you remain in the courtyard and pretend to cheer the other players on, even if you are bored out of your skull and/or hate the people still playing.

Then Enzo actually brings his piping-hot pizza out to the patio, and noshes away in full view of the starving and cold guys on the swings, another violation. He truly just doesn’t get it. (Lane is furious in the Diary Room.) To top it off, Enzo is still obnoxiously whooping and hollering, in between rounds of wiping grease off his chin.

Lane falls at 2 hours and 35 minutes. Hayden wins the first round.

Back to Jules. “Lane and Enzo will face off in round two a little later. But coming up, the Jury House explodes!”

Okay, with all this promo, there better be something damn good happening in that Jury House, or I’m going to cut somebody.

Commercials. Did you know that you can get meat wrapped in meat, with a meat sauce, on a meat-flavored bun, at your nearest fast-food restaurant? Hurry! Your arteries aren’t going to clog themselves!

Julie: “Let’s go talk to the Final Three in the Couch Room!” Julie: “Enzo, how’d you make it this far in the game?” Enzo: “No idea.” Julie: “Lane, how hard was it to keep your alliance secret?” Lane: “Very.” Julie: “Hayden, now that Britney’s on the jury, are you concerned about the reaction?” Hayden: “They’re gonna hate us!” Then all three of them laugh.

Thanks, Julie. Very insightful. Learned a lot.

Julie explains some protocol for the rest of the season: The winners of Round 1 and Round 2 in the HOH Competition will compete in Round 3 LIVE on Finale Night. The winner will then pick his Final Two buddy, and they will go face the jury, who will question them and then vote. Got it?

Time for some filler material, since there are only three people left and none of them are all that interesting. Julie: “Enzo never won HOH, but back home he rules the house.” Cut to Bayonne, New Jersey, where we meet Enzo’s family. Surprise! They’re Italian! His wife obviously loves him, so that’s good. His entire family, watching on TV when Enzo slams into Ragan and sends him flying through the air, cheers like the Red Sea just parted, so that’s not so good. In the end, it’s very clear that his family was watching a different series than we were, overly praising Enzo for things he didn’t do.

Cut to the Jury House.

Kathy lets us know that she still hasn’t forgiven Matt for the lies about his wife, and is, in fact, even more upset with him. More than fair.

Ragan saunters in. Fake hugs abound, especially the one between Ragan and Rachel. (And what the hell is Matt wearing? Is he twelve?) Sidebar with Rachel: She’s all aglow with the possibility that Ragan will push her buttons and there will be a fight. She’s such a nice person, that Rachel girl.

Matt to Ragan: “Let’s step outside and talk.” (Kathy to Ragan: “Take a drink, you’ll need it.”) Once on the patio, Matt fesses about his wife. Ragan does not take it well. (In his own sidebar: “I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football out.”)

The rest of the jury house joins them on the patio. Brendon and Kathy are supportive of Ragan, making it clear that they are not impressed with Matt. But Rachel doesn’t care because, well, let’s face it, she’s a bitch. So when Ragan does his own confession, admitting to having a PHD in Communications, Rachel jumps. “Do I have a bad social game?”

Ragan: “Yes, you wear your heart on your sleeve.”

And immediately the fur flies. As we’ve seen before, Ragan is very calm but very straightforward, telling it exactly like it is. While Rachel screams and flips her hair as her inability to remain civil rears its ugly head. (And it’s the same thing they fought about in the house. Rachel causes a LOT of problems because there’s something off kilter with her and human relations. He’s right, she won’t listen.) Ragan: “We don’t share a common reality.”

Rachel finally bellows “Grab your tiara and be a [dramatic expletive] queen!” Then she and her hair turn and stomp into the house.

Okay, from a confrontation aspect, I’ll give it a 3, maybe 4. But we’ve seen much more exciting things. Once again, the BB producers have oversold not much about nothing.

Time for Part 2 of the HOH Competition.

This one’s called “It’s Alive!”, and we’ve seen this before. Behind five curtains are five photos of two house guests morphed into one. Playing separately, Lane and Enzo will have two minutes to figure out the combinations. Whoever makes the most matches wins. If they get the same number of matches, then whoever buzzed in with the shortest playing time will win. And off we go.

Lane is first. He gets all five matches in 1 minute, 13 seconds.

Enzo is next. He gets all five matches in 1 minute, 43 seconds.

Lane is clearly the winner, but Julie throws a curve into things, because the BB producers apparently think we are just as stupid as the house guests that they intentionally pick for their stupidity.

Jules: “We have a tie! We will determine the winner when we return!”

Uh, I can tell time. Lane won. What’s the deal?

Commercials. Need a quick “payday” loan? Head on over to Tully’s House of Fast Money and we’ll fix you up. Tully is missing most of his teeth. Don’t worry about that.

And we’re back. Julie takes us to the Couch Room, where Enzo and Lane are sweating in the nomination chairs. (Why? They aren’t nominated for anything.) Hayden is off to the side, totally chilled, because he thinks he’s got this thing wrapped up.

Julie: It was a tie! (Enzo perks up. Lane is wondering if this is a formal occasion.) So we have to go to the clock. Who finished up more quickly? (We KNOW, Julie. God.) Enzo, you finished in blah blah time. Lane, it only took you blah time. Congrats!

Julie to Lane: How are you feeling right now? Lane: “I feel sweaty and numb and I can’t walk.”

Julie to Enzo: “How does it feel” to have sucked once again? Enzo: Well, I was born a poor black child on the outskirts of-

Julie: Whatev. See you guys next Wednesday!

Roll end credits.

P.S. Apparently Sunday’s show is just going to be a recap of the finer moments in the show thus far. The fact that they have managed to cobble together a full hour of things that might be considered “finer” makes a compelling statement that I should actually tune in, but we’ll see. I usually skip this one. We might not chat again until next Wednesday…

Searching For Signal: #167 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 27

Editor’s Note: I missed the very beginning of this episode, since there were just a few tiny little things going on, like tornado sirens blaring and the pretty newscasters informing me that a tornado had just touched down just a few miles away and I better run like hell. But that all settled down, no personal damage other than frayed nerves, and the local station finally tuned us in to the Big Brother broadcast.

We’re dropped right into the action, with Hayden, Lane and Enzo sitting on the patio. Apparently there has been some type of heated discussion, because they’re all glaring at one another. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “I hope Lane stays loyal.” Enzo takes his hands out of his pants long enough to go to the Diary Room as well: “I’ve had my suspicions about Lane. I’m in the worst position.”) Who knows what happened. I would like to think Lane was trying to do the right thing by Britney, but I’m not sure he even knows what that is.

Britney and Hayden in the HOH Room, flopped on the bed because these people are apparently anemic and can’t be bothered with standing upright. Britney: “I’m nervous.” Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna take me to the Final Two.” Britney: You do realize that if Enzo goes to the end, he “will win unanimously.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Hey, I’m playing ALL the angles at this point.) Britney: “I have too many enemies in the Jury House. I’m not gonna win in the Final Two.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “She has some very good points.” Yes, she does. Are you listening?) Then some nurse comes in and gives them B12 shots in the butt in the hopes that they will finally get out of bed and change their underwear.

Back to Julie with that beyond-irritating live studio audience. She’s in one of her over-exuberant moods again. “This will be the most important Veto Competition of the summer! Who will have the sole power to evict?” Then about 14 people in the audience have simultaneous orgasms as they think about the options.

Commercials. Well, there should be commercials at this point. Because of the local weather conditions in Dallas caused by the dying but still kicking Tropical Depression Hermine, which has resulted in massive flooding and/or houses floating away down raging rivers that were just dried-up streams two days ago, we have blow-dried newscasters making us feel bad that we haven’t lost everything like the shell-shocked people on screen. Good times.

Time for the Veto Competition.

Each player has a station, with a giant wall, where there are 8 clues running along the top and 8 clues running along the bottom. They have to take these fake movie poster things, showing two evicted houseguests apiece, and match them up correctly. Trouble is, the posters are double-sided, so either view could actually be the right one. First to match all 8 correctly and hit the little bell thing wins POV.

We have Enzo in the Diary Room, saying something, but for the first time I actually pay attention to the subtitle blurb that mentions he’s an “insurance adjuster”. Really? In Jersey? With that attitude? Something tells me there’s a lot of angry claimants in that state who have unkind thoughts about Mr. Meow Meow.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Britney’s good at trivia.” Enzo and Lane, not so much. “So I’m gonna have to be the won who wins this.” Then he turns and waves to the crowd of paparazzi that isn’t really there.

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want Britney to win, so she can take herself off the block, Enzo goes up, and there’s no blood on my hands.” Then he turns and waves at the crowd of Longhorns that isn’t really there.

And the competition starts.

Lane in the Diary Room: Basically, “I’m really stupid.” Thanks for the insight, Lane. Figure that out all by yourself, did you?

Other people pile into the Diary Room, describing the strategy that they used during the running about. It’s not very interesting. You figure out the clues and you put the photos in the right order. Get it done.

Shots of everybody in the courtyard, sweating and thinking. (Every time we see Lane, they play corny hillbilly music.) Enzo is actually the first to hit his bell, but he’s got 5 incorrect out of 8. He grunts and gets back to work. Britney seems to be doing well, but she hasn’t hit her buzzer yet, so we don’t know how close she is. Lane? Well, he’s Lane.

All the sudden Hayden hits the bell and he has all 8 right. He wins POV, totally catching everyone off guard. Britney is especially stunned, gazing at him in amazement as she pulls her short-shorts out of her crack.

More scenes in the Diary Room.

Hayden: He’s celebrating his victory and kissing the POV medal, his biceps and his hair. He turns and waves to the crowd of horny supermodels that isn’t really there.

Britney: “I feel pretty good. Enzo could still go up.” She turns and waves to the crowd of Razorback fans that don’t actually have TV’s and therefore don’t know that she exists.

Lane, sighing: “Now I have to reverse back to The Brigade, and make them believe that I’ve always been on their side.” Then he pauses to wonder what “reverse back” really means.

Julie again: “Will The Brigade feel good enough to reveal one of the biggest secrets of the summer?” Then she turns and waves to the producers who cut her a check every week.

Commercials. Blech.

More Julie: “All secrets eventually come out!” We got it, Julie. Somebody in The Brigade is going to blab. Your hints have been so subtle, I never would have figured that out on my own.

Hayden, Lane and Enzo, sitting around. Hayden: “I was SO lucky”, winning that thing. Enzo: Are you kidding? You Da Bomb! (Yes, that sound you hear is full-strength ass-kissing.) Hayden: “When should we tell Britney about The Brigade?” (Oh?) Enzo: “Now.” Hayden: I want her to know that’s why I’m not going to use the Veto. (Lane in the Diary Room: Hoo boy. I’ve gotta be careful here.) Lane: “Tell her tonight if you want.” He gulps.

This should be fun.

Then we see Britney wandering up to the HOH Room, where Enzo and Lane are sitting about. Enzo to Lane: “What are you gonna do tonight?” Lane: “Drink beer.” Enzo tries again with another leading question, clearly trying to steer the conversation into a direction where they can tell Britney what’s up. But Lane is a few cow-pies short of a bushel, and doesn’t really get it. Or doesn’t want to get it.

Enzo gives up with the Lane angle, and turns to Britney: “You think there was an alliance in this house?” Britney: Sure. “Rachel and Brendon.” Then Enzo gets, to me anyway, rather cruel, having too much fun teasing Britney about not knowing about The Brigade. Really not caring for him right now. Not that I ever did, just sayin.

Then Enzo finally fully fesses up about The Brigade. Lane confirms: “From Day Two.” Enzo then gets very cocky, which is no surprise, but this is NOT the time to be that way. This is why Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Enzo is from some self-important galaxy that doesn’t even have a real name, just a number. Enzo on The Brigade: “I think it’s greatness.”

Britney lays on the HOH bed, absently picking at her fingernails as she tries to act nonchalant, but you know she’s devastated.

Hayden comes up to the room.

Enzo: “I told.”

Hayden: “Without me?” He turns to Britney: “I’m sorry, Britney. But I’m glad you won the 10 G’s.” Translation: You’re done.

Britney: “So I’m definitely going home?”

Hayden: “I’m not gonna use the Veto.”

Enzo: “That’s it. Know what I mean?” Classy guy, right?

Hayden: “The last thing I wanna do is make you cry.”

Britney jumps off the bed and starts to leave: “How do you think this feels, knowing you have no shot?” The others try to console her, but it’s too late. She storms out the door.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’ve been completely played! Lane’s been lying to me! I don’t wanna talk to them. It makes me sick to think of voting for any of them.” Then she makes a hog-calling noise, and there’s the sound of cloven feet racing up to do her bidding in the middle of the night, seeking porcine retribution.

Lane starts to leave the HOH Room, to see how Britney’s doing, but Enzo tries to stop him: “Stay here. We need to talk.” (My fingers are crossed that this little snippet is shown to the jury members, so they can see what Enzo’s all about, but it probably won’t happen.) Lane leaves anyway.

Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s like one of my good dogs died.” Really, Lane? Britney is one of your good dogs? And Brendon was the Neander-tall?

Lane finds Britney in one of the bedrooms. “Want to talk?” Britney: “It’s not a good time. I’m going to bed.” Lane: “I wasn’t playing you. I never played you. I do have a lot of feelings for you.” Britney, sniffling and snuggling up to her pillow: Whatev. Good night.

Cut to Julie, acting all somber and dramatic after all that mess: “We’ll be back with the Veto Ceremony and the Eviction.” Then she turns and waves at her stylist.

Time for the Veto Meeting.

Hayden to the Nominees: “I hope to be friends with both of you. But I’m not using the Veto.”

Julie: Time for the Save Me speeches for the sole voter, Enzo.

Lane: He totally sucks up to Enzo. “Without you, this house would be dull and boring.” Which is a slam to everybody else, but I doubt that Lane thinks more than one sentence ahead in his life.

Britney: “I love you all. We’re friends forever.” She turns to Lane: “You’re my best friend! I’ll miss you forever!” Then she goes on with what turns out to be a very eloquent speech, no hard feelings, I hope the best for everybody. The only dent in this oratory is her bit about “It’s an honor to be kicked out by The Brigade.” No, it’s a symbol of you not paying attention, especially since other now-booted house guests tried to warn you. Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh.

Julie: Enzo, stand and evict somebody.

Enzo: “I’m going to make this short.” Then he proceeds to do the exact opposite, rambling for hours about meaningless crap. In the end, he fingers Britney. She graciously hugs everybody and departs, her designer heels clattering up the three short steps to freedom.

Exit Interview.

Jules: Lots of love and forgiveness at the end. What gives?

Brit: “I truly love them. They are my friends.”

Jules: Why didn’t you believe Ragan?

Brit: I thought I was working with The Brigade.

Jules: Forgive Lane?

Brit: “I really believe he wanted me in the Final Two.” But things happened.

Goodbye videos.

Hayden: “I feel like I betrayed you.” (You did.)

Enzo: “This was very hard.” (Didn’t seem like it.)

Lane: “I’m gonna miss everything about you. I wanted to take you to Final Two, but then Hayden won HOH.”

Britney cries throughout this bit, shedding enough tears to be realistic but not enough to cause mascara complications. Then Julie shoves her off the stage. “The final HOH Competition is coming up!”

Commercials. (Well, in our local weather case, more news reporters talking to rain-soaked citizens “See that there lake right there? That was just a puddle yesterday. Sure was.” Then a cow floats by. They turn and wave.)

Back to Jules, talking to the three remaining boys in the courtyard. As is usual, the final HOH Competition is a three-parter. The winners of the first two parts compete in the final round for HOH. This first part involves the boys riding on little swings that whip from side to side in the yard, slamming the riders into padded walls. Enzo is greatly impressed with this, screaming stupid Meow-Meow phrases of eventual triumph, so I’m guessing he knows all about S&M.

Julie, startled by Enzo’s apparent thrill at being hurled against a wall: “Oh my.”

Commercials again. Did you know that fake butter can change your life?

Jules again: Tomorrow is the conclusion of Part 1. We’ll also see Part 2, live. Then next Wednesday is the two-hour finale! She beams like this is a gift from Heaven.

What, no Sunday show? Then again, Julie’s only here for one hour a week, so she may not be totally clued in. We’ll see.

Back to the live competition. Jules: “Time for a grenade!” A waterfall starts pouring down in the middle of the yard, so the swinging boys have to splash through it as they swing from side to side.

And the three fool boys scream like it’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to them.

God.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #165 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 25

Editor’s Note: As mentioned with the previous “Big Brother” post, there have been some DVR issues at the house. The following review is actually for last Thursday night’s episode, so there’s obviously been a delay. Luckily, the recording of tonight’s episode was successful, so I should be back on track by morning. Bear with me…

We start off with the standard review of the last few episodes. We have Hayden in the Diary Room babbling that “Public Enemy Number One is now Ragan!” (Seriously, public enemy? You need to branch out with your movie-watching, Hayden.) Another shot of Lane doing that weird thing with his tongue when he carried out the giant nomination wheel. (Who the hell was he looking at when he did it? THAT’S the burning question.) And yet another glimpse of Ragan throwing the CD that bounced off both the singing clam and Enzo’s head. (Still love that.)

The Announcer Guy has a teaser: “We finally get to see the jury house!” (About time.) “And the jury house explodes when Matt reveals his lie!” (Yay! Been waiting for that!)

Cut to Julie with the live studio audience. Shockingly, we see that someone has stolen parts of her dress, right at the shoulders. Poor thing. Anyway, she’s in one of her manic moods, frothing with delight at her revelations. “Will the Brigade lose their second member? Will the Brigade continue to fracture?”

Then we have another showing of Lane replacing Veto-winner Enzo with Hayden, which leads to Diary Room confessions.

Hayden: “That’s not cool, dude.” (Then a bald eagle flies out of his hair and three cameramen are killed.)

Britney: All my subtle breast-flopping with Lane paid off!

Lane: “I couldn’t risk sending Britney home. I want her in the Final Two.” (Then he hears Britney reaching for something on an upper shelf in the kitchen, and he races out of the Diary Room.)

Enzo: “The plan is for Ragan to go, so that’s who is going home.” (Then he does his weird trademark thing of look off to the left, even though we know nobody is standing there.)

Ragan: “I’m not gonna roll over and cry!” (Oh, I’m sorry, he said “die”, not cry. My bad.)

Hayden, Enzo and Lane sitting around. Hayden: “One of us is going to get the money!” Their eyes collectively sparkle with greed and subliminal all-male celebration. Lane in the Diary Room: I still want Britney beside me at the end. “Britney has more enemies in the Jury House than any Brigade member.” (Not really sure about that. Especially, since Matty is now over there, most likely spilling tea.)

Ragan goes to Britney. “Can we have a conversation?” (Ragan in the Diary Room: There are only two votes this time. I’m trying to get hers.) Ragan to Britney: How do you get to the end? What’s the best path. Then he spells it out, that Britney can’t win with the other guys beside her, she only has a chance if it’s Ragan. (Britney in the Diary Room: Ragan has some good points. Judging by what we’re seeing in Britney’s skimpy bathing suit top, so does she.) Britney to Ragan: I’d advise you to go talk to Lane. Now.

Ragan and Lane. Ragan: “Are you here to give away $500K? If you’re up against either of those boys, you lose. The jury always asks what your big move was. This is the week where you can answer that. It’s the move that nobody expects.”

Ragan is very persuasive, especially because he’s being completely honest. Trouble is, he’s talking to Lane, who was not blessed with the ability to think clearly or tie his own shoes. (Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s time for some tough decisions.” Translation: I have to think, and I didn’t go to that school.)

Back to Julie, with the caterwauling live studio audience. We’re about to get our first look at the Jury House! Matt reveals his lie! How will they react! (Um, I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.)

Boring commercials.

Jules talks to the House Guests. How’d you like those three punishments? (Ragan thought they were pretty swell, especially the dancing, because he feels good when he dances. So he’s going to tap-dance his way out of the house?) Julie to Enzo: The penguin suit. Discuss. Enzo: “I did give the penguin some swagger.” (If, by that, you mean groping yourself at every opportunity, yes, you did.) Julie to Britney: Worst thing about living with just men? Britney: They dirty and nasty! (Brit, have you never met a straight man before? I mean, I know you’re engaged and everything, but you might want to check his references.)

Julie: It’s time to go to the Jury House!

So we first see shots of Rachel, relaxing and enjoying her quiet time, floating in the fancy pool without need of a raft, because she’s got Jupiter and Saturn keeping her afloat. Then Kathy shows up, and the two drag queens hug. (They show us shots of Rachel and Kathy bonding, which mainly consist of Kathy looking terrified that Rachel’s loud braying might kill her.)

Then Matt walks in, and everybody has to pretend that they are excited about this. They watch the DVD that Matt has brought, showing the latest exploits in the house. They continued to pretend that they are excited about this. Finally, Brendon walks in, and Rachel is clearly disappointed, instead of rushing into his loving arms. “I wanted you to win! You should still be there!” Rachel gets around to remembering that she’s supposed to support her partner, and allows Brendon to hug her. He does so with a beatific expression indicating that he has just wrapped his arms around the Madonna. Poor guy.

Cut to Julie in the studio. “Matt’s about to reveal his secret!” (Okay, shut up, girl. Just play the video.)

Back to the Jury House. Matt: “I have another surprise.” My sickly wife? She’s not really. Hee hee. Brendon: “You are going to hell.” Kathy, livid: “There ARE sick people out there. And I’m one of them.” (Which sounds a little odd, but remember, Kathy has been fighting cancer for years.) She stomps off. Rachel: “You are the most horrible person I’ve ever met.”

Didn’t go so well, did it, Matt?

Matt follows Kathy and tries to console her. She wants nothing to do with him. “Have you ever lost someone?” When Matt tries to save himself by saying that he was planning on donating some of his prize money to the disease (that basically doesn’t exist) Kathy, Rachel and Brendon lose it again. Me thinks that Matty is going to be spending a lot of time in his room.

Once again back to Julie in the studio, where she is talking to Lane in the HOH Room.

Julie: “Are you worried about fallout from The Brigade?” Lane: “I trust them 100%. But I couldn’t take the chance that they would send Britney home.” (Which means that you DON’T trust them, Lane. Do you have access to a dictionary?) Julie: “Are you trying to appear less smart than you really are?” Lane: His incoherent babbling thusly proves that, no, there’s no strategy with this. He’s just stupid.

Julie once more, trying to make herself heard over that one woman in the audience who always seems to be there, the one who wails like a fire engine over every single thing that happens. (WHY do they keep asking her back? Is she related to some big shot at CBS? Oh wait, that would be Julie.)

She goes back to the House Guests, huddled in the Couch Room. Time for the Save Me speeches. Ragan: He talks about his dad that passed away, and the importance of family. And that if he has to leave, he’s really excited about making cookies for everyone in the Jury House. Hmmm. First part good, second part, not so. Hayden: I’m just happy to be here. I’m not going to say anything bad about Ragan. But he has plenty of pointless things to say about everything else, rambling on for decades.

We finally get to The Vote.

Not surprisingly, but still a little disappointingly, Enzo and Britney vote for Ragan to leave. He’s going home.

Not that it appears to bother him too much. He seems very excited with what’s about to happen. “I get to meet Julie Chen!” Then he races out the door, pirouetting and such.

Exit interview.

Julie: “You made a compelling argument for keeping you in the last few days. What went wrong?” (Translation: Why are these people such idiots?) Ragan: “That group of four is closer knit. But it was a big mistake on their part.” Julie: “Why didn’t you act on your Brigade suspicions?” (Translation: Dumb-ass, you had your chance and you blew it.) Ragan: Matty wanted to keep them. And I think Matt is a wonderful, genuine, real person. (Translation: I wanted to have his baby, and I wasn’t paying attention.)

In the “goodbye” videos, Enzo actually has the nerve to ask Ragan to vote for him in the end. Figures. Jersey Boys, right? I shafted you but love me anyway.

Time for the HOH Competition.

It’s a Christmas theme. The players have to stand on one side of chicken wire, and then manipulate ornaments on the other side up the chicken wire and place them on a tree. First to fully decorate their tree wins. There are 18 ornaments and a star. We know right away that we are not going to see a winner during the course of this episode.

Britney manages to drop her first three ornaments right away, while quaint Christmas music plays in the background, so her suckage is immediately evident. The cameras do show Enzo and Hayden doing their thing, but there’s a constant distraction of shattered ornament glass from in front of Britney’s area.

We cut to commercial, because Britney’s performance is so sad.

We come back to Julie: “Next Wednesday is a special Eviction Episode!” Oh?

And we end with more shots of the Yuletide festivities in the courtyard. Britney is busting things left and right, Enzo is doing a little better, (I know, right?), and Hayden is in the lead…

Roll end credits.