10 Things I Learned From Watching The “Big Brother” Finale

1. Julie can be really bitchy.

We sort of already knew this, with her “I need an answer NOW!” barking whenever one of the contestants hesitates a fraction of a second before answering a trivia question, and the way she can have that “cobb in butt” look when interviewing some of the evictees. But last night she really had something wedged, and didn’t even let some folks finish a sentence. (Maybe it’s because the producers made her start out the show by high-fiving audience members, looking like she couldn’t wait to sterilize her hands as she tottered down the steps in her ugly designer shoes.)

2. Adam is delusional.

All summer long: “I’ve really gotta step up to the plate now! It’s time for me to win this one and show everybody what I can do! I need to make a bold move and shake the house up! I’m playing the best game ever played!”

Crickets chirp.

Dude, you sucked at everything. That one HOH that you managed to win? It’s not really winning when there’s no one left in the house but you and Shelly’s ashtray. And the constant roaring that you think is so endearing? It’s not. At all. But it might explain why you couldn’t win competitions. You were so tired from yelling and doing that rocker thing with your hands that it’s no surprise we often heard Julie say “House guests, on your mark, get set, and… whoops, Adam has already dropped out. Anyway, the rest of you… GO!”

3. I still don’t understand Tori Spelling’s hair and makeup during her guest appearance.

What was that? It keeps me up at night.

4. Rachel must have been really, really dehydrated.

All those times she kept trying to “cry” on the finale? There were no actual tears. Nothing. Oh, she had the fluttery hand movements and the scrunchy face and the high-pitched honk of a voice. But no wetness. What’s the issue there? We know she can turn on the waterworks, as evidenced by all those episodes where she flooded the entire house with her tears every time Brendan got evicted or somebody wouldn’t tell her she was pretty. She’d be flopping around on a bed, wailing and gushing saline, while poor Jordan is forced to fight for her life in the rising waters by clinging to one of Rachel’s Vegas-style breasts.

5. Kalia is just an angry person.

Everything makes her mad. Everything. And she supposedly writes a sex column back in the real world? How? Don’t you actually have to have sex with people before you can write about it? And I’m thinking she’s always too pissed off to ever have an actual orgasm. Of course, maybe she and Adam could try to hook up, giving them both the opportunity to just lay there and talk all about what they need to do without actually doing it.

6. I’m fairly certain that Lawon is still waiting to be granted a “special power” and sent back into the house.

Notice how he kept looking around the stage for someone that might hand him a sparkly wand. Notice how Julie purposely avoided asking him any unnecessary questions because nobody would understand his answers anyway. (“I’m gonna be all everywhere and BANG and WHAT?! Sure am!”) Notice how once again the BB producers have avoided hiring a gay man that is actually masculine and will kick your ass instead of sew sequins on it.

7. I just realized that I have been spelling Daniele’s name incorrectly all season.

This is probably why she didn’t win, and not the “let’s pull a power move before we even get in the house” strategy that backfired a couple of times and made things a bit unpleasant for her. My bad. But really, Danielle should have two “L’s”, right? No wonder she’s so bitter and unsatisfied. Note to expecting parents: Don’t pick trendy names for your offspring. It can keep them from winning competitions, and might lead to bad decisions about alliances and hair-coloring choices.

8. The producers try to influence the direction of the show.

Staff Meeting Person: “Okay, unless Rachel wins this next competition, we all know she’s going home. So, hey, let’s make the competition an exact replica of the first competition she won, with her using her vindictive thighs to straddle something hanging from the ceiling. No one will notice that it’s geared toward her, right?”

Wrong. We notice. Like we notice every season. But we still keep tuning in because it’s fun to watch idiots in action, mixed in with nearly-nude frolicking, random wetness, and Pandora’s Boxes that effectively change the game play even more than a floater who wakes up on day 60 and decides to actually do something other than wear a bikini.

9. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly.

You flipped so many times that I’m surprised the Ringling Brothers haven’t called you about being a featured act on the trapeze. And your final flip gave the big money to Rachel instead of Porsche. (Not that I’m really complaining about Rachel winning, she deserved it despite my complete lack of respect for her worth as a human being.) No, it’s about the flipping, honey. And, well, the inability to own your actions. And the lying. (And what the hell is an “Outdoors Industry Executive”? Did you make that up as well?)

10. I could win this game.

Except for a few stumbling blocks: I generally don’t like people. Most of them are annoying. The concept of not getting to slap folks who deserve it would be challenging. I could not remain in an alliance if all of my cohorts were stupid, especially if we have a crappy name for that alliance. I’m not sure that I could be nice to Julie Chen. There’s just something not right about her, possibly the “sleeping with the boss” angle. Or the way she insists on striking awkward poses for the camera, as if she spent way too much time as a child looking at pictures in Vogue magazine. The German edition.

Oh, and then there’s the major issue: I could not simply swing in the sex-tainted hammock and wonder what people thought about me. I would want to know and avoid too-late revelations. I would be insisting on a nightly meeting where everyone had to spill the tea in front of everyone else, so nobody ends up surprised by developments and crying their eyes out in that purposeless room that just has a big-ass daybed.

And I would be the first person voted out, by a unanimous vote according to the wickedly-grinning Chenbot. And the studio audience wouldn’t even cheer for me as I left the house because it’s the first week and nobody cares….

Sigh.

Searching For Signal: “True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 5

We start out at that trashy trailer park place, where Tommy is being dragged around on a chain by Nasty Joe Lee while Nasty Momma screams and clutches at her bad perm. Joe Lee has some serious issues, which he’s apparently trying to work out by using Tommy as a human tether ball. Then again, Tommy has his own issues, and so does Momma, so nobody’s really happy at the moment and there will be no awards handed out for Positive Family Relationships.

Joe Lee finally half-strangles Tommy so he’ll take a nice nap instead of being so rude and trying to get un-chained and all. Then Joe Lee and Momma stupidly turn away from supposedly-sleeping Tommy, chatting about their plan to use Tommy in yet another one of those dogfights people around here are always having, so it’s no surprise when Tommy leaps up and the hootin and hollerin starts all over again, with everyone using everything they can find to pound away on one another in an example of what happens when you don’t force people to get a proper education.

We end up with Tommy purposely killing Joe Lee (hurray!), accidentally killing Momma (oh?), and then dropping to the ground in a fetal position and questioning his choices in life. Which all sounds very sad, but really, we don’t like any of these people anyway, and their deaths mean more screen time for the prettier people on the show, so it’s all good.

Roll opening credits. Spanish moss, fetid swamps and tacky choices when it comes to house-paint colors.

We check in with Marnie and the gang over in that field or cemetery or whatever it is, where Marnie is swooning on the ground after having caused Pam some serious cosmetic complications before Pam hightailed it into the woods, unpleased. (Perhaps she’s headed to the hardware store for some spackling mud and a good sander.)

Laff and Tara are graphically expressing their discontent with Marnie, and Jesus is trying to calm everybody down, because the episode has just started and we need to pace ourselves. But when Marnie basically fesses up to being possessed from time to time, coming out of her trances to find vampires jacked up and people staring at her, even Jesus gets wigged out and they leave Marnie all alone in the field.

Poor Marnie. She seems like a really nice woman who just happens to spend too much time in the wrong section of the library.

Cut to Arlene and Terry’s house, where they are studying the “Baby Not Yours!” scribbling on the wall, with Arlene being typically frantic and Terry being typically unwashed. Arlene thinks the spirit of Renee is behind this and Terry thinks they should turn to Jesus. (And I’m thinking maybe they should just find that damn spooky doll thing and run over it with a tractor that somebody around there has got to have.) In the end, they decide maybe they should have them a nice full-on exorcism, despite Arlene not wanting to “look like one of them Christians that only turn to God when they need him”.

Gotta hand it to this show, they slip in digs at all the right people even while vampires are running about and people are constantly finding excuses to rip off their clothes all the time.

Zip over to Sookie’s house, late at night, with Eric, still in his Little Boy phase, opening Sookie’s bedroom door and spying on her as she slumbers seductively, tawny thigh exposed and all. Then, lo and behold, Godric shows up, the super-old vamp that chose to walk into the sun at the end of one of the seasons, despite the fact that the series had clearly been renewed for another year by that point. Of course, since he did walk into the sun, there’s no real explanation for how he can be here years later, but let’s just ride with it.

Godric babbles for a bit in that other language he and Eric shared back in the day, Eric has no clue who he really is, and Sookie manages to remain asleep despite so many dead people making a racket above her head. Godric wants him some Sookie snack, but Eric isn’t really keen on that at the moment. Until Godric reminds Eric that he is a damned creature who will never find happiness or a comedy series that doesn’t feature a flamboyant gay best friend. Then Godric and Eric bite into the apparently delicious-smelling Sookie.

She promptly wakes up screaming, which causes Eric to wake up screaming, back in his cubby that looks like an Ikea-designed prison cell. All in his head. Or was it? Eric wanders back to Sookie’s room and opens the door, only this time she is tucked chastely away beneath a crocheted blanket while he is unchastely wearing some low-rider trunks that are apparently only being held up by two strategic pubic hairs. Sookie wakes, and is understandably concerned when she finds Eric, fangs-a-ready, at the foot of her bed. He explains himself. “I had a bad dream.”

Over to Jason’s house, where Jessica and Hoyt are hoisting Jason into his own bed without bothering to wipe any of the blood off of him. (You’d think vampires would understand that you can’t get that kind of a stain out of white sheets unless you pre-treat them immediately.) They make sure he’s comfortable (despite being unconscious), then they chat a bit. Hoyt: “You saved my best friend’s life!” It’s very sweet, and we hope they can resolve their issues because they really work together well. But this is True Blood, so something is going to happen to jack things up again shortly.

This takes place roughly two seconds later, so they aren’t wasting any time with the jacking. Hoyt tries to get frisky, Jess gently rebuffs him, several times, until Hoyt gets fed up. “Is there something you’re not telling me?” (Hoo boy, is there ever!) Jess: I’m just tired, what with feeding my blood to your buddy and all. Hoyt doesn’t completely buy it, and decides to stay with Jason for the night, keep an eye on him, while Jessica heads for home. (Sure hope she doesn’t pass any public restrooms along the way. She gets in trouble with those things.)

Now we’re at Bill’s house, where he’s receiving that Portia Bellefleur woman, at her apparent request. As soon as he closes the office door, Portia tries to shove her tongue where it doesn’t belong. I guess she didn’t get the message about no more bang-bang. Bill tries to school her. She doesn’t care, apparently having great needs that can only be satisfied by Bill. Bill: “We are of the same blood line!” Portia: Vampires and humans can’t make babies! And incest is best! (Just like they sang about in that Rocky Horror Picture Show!)

Bill is on a schedule, probably late for a meeting where he has to sign more proclamations about vamps not killing so many people all the time, so he decides to glamour Portia, instilling in her mind that she must start screaming and running every time she sees him. She snaps out of his spell, and then does just that, high-heels clicking as she flees. Good. Didn’t really care for her character anyway.

Back to Sookie’s sleepover, where she’s comforting Eric, who is crying blood tears and really sad. (“Godric said I was evil!”) Sookie gently explains that, well, he has done some really terrible things and all, lots of death and pain, but ever since Marnie did that rewiring business with his head, Sookie thinks Eric is now just an extremely tall but cute kitten. Then they cuddle innocently while a melancholy violin plays on the soundtrack and thousands of fans wonder how long this is going to last.

Return to Bill’s office, where Reconfigured Pam marches in, demanding that something be done about the fact that she’s rotting in an unpleasant manner. Bill: “You went to see the witch and you were told not to.” (I have heard that so many times in my life.) Pam requests permission to bring about the death of Marnie. (Much stronger words are used, as you can imagine. It’s Pam we’re talking about.) Bill: Sorry, no killing right now, or you will get the True Death. Just hang tight. And try to keep up with all the pieces falling off your body.

Cut to Jesus and Laff packing up for a trip, while Tara smokes a cigarette on the sidelines. It seem the men are headed off to Mexico, to see Jesus’ grandfather, an apparently bad-ass witch with a penchant for really strong powers as well as child abuse involving livestock. Laff doesn’t really want to go, partly because he knows there are fewer fashion choices in rural, foreign lands with lots of blowing dirt, but also because Jesus hates his grandfather, not having even seen him since the livestock business.

Jesus: Well, even though he made me kill a goat and get blood all over my cute little outfit, when he forced me to taste the blood of that goat, I felt a power stronger than anything I’ve ever felt in this world. Seems we could use some of that power right now, what with two very unsatisfied vampires intent on making us into grease spots on the linoleum.

Fine. They get into the car and drive off, leaving Tara/Toni to call her girlfriend Naomi in Nawlins. Tara/Toni is all excited about heading home, flirting with Naomi, until Girlfriend demands to know who “Tara Thornton” is, clutching some found mail at “Toni’s” apartment while her facial expression indicates somebody‘s gonna get their ass kicked. Whoopsie. (Side note, Miss Naomi, don’t go snoopin’ if you don’t wanna learn things.)

Next up is Tommy barreling up to Sam’s place, driving a van with some very special cargo, namely the bodies of his parents. He rouses Sam from bed for a review session, then Tommy desperately asks “What are we gonna do?” (My response? I’m going back to bed. Bye.) But Sam and his pecs just stand there in their underwear while flies buzz over Ma and Pa Nasty.

Merlotte’s, where Sookie is trying to get some information out of Holly, one of the coven members, by pretending to be interested in becoming a Wiccan. But Sookie sooks it a little too strong, and Holly gets suspicious, politely ending the conversation. So Sookie just reads Holly’s mind instead, which she should have just done to begin with (why waste time with small talk, seriously) and manages to snag Marnie’s name.

Hoyt and Jason are at a table, eating and commiserating over the troubles in their lives. Jason: “Maybe God’s punishing me for having too much sex,” making me end up in a shack where I get raped repeatedly by unclean women who want to make panther babies. Hoyt: It’s bad with me, too! Jessica has been distant lately! Jason: Dude, I think I win this one.

Pivot camera to Holly snapping at Sookie over a misunderstanding about eggs, then Holly apologizes, blaming the full-moon that’s coming tomorrow night. Jason hears the moon reference and semi-flips out, racing from the restaurant, leaving behind a confused Sookie and a saddened Hoyt, who realizes that his problems just aren’t as exciting as everyone else’s this episode.

Speaking of problems and possible resolutions, we cut to Arlene and Terry’s house, where Team Exorcism has just arrived in the form of Reverend Daniels and his new bride, which happens to be Tara’s mom, May. (Oh, yeah, remember that mess?) We then proceed with the funniest bit of the whole episode, seriously, with the Reverend and Lady May performing a rousing Exorcism Show Tune (complete with tambourine!), the waving around of smoldering something or other (gotta get the smoke up in the corners, that’s where they hide!) and Arlene being accused of inadvertent racism once again. Poor thing.

Cut to Sookie arriving at the Moon Goddess Emporium, looking cute in yet another summery frock and pouring on the charm, pretending to want a psychic reading but really searching for more intel on what happened to Eric. A reluctant Marnie finally agrees to do the reading, and of course things spin out of control, what with Sookie reading Marnie’s mind and getting all the details before Marnie even says them. First, Sookie must not fall in love with the new one (we’ll assume Eric). But more importantly, and Gran’s actual voice comes through for this bit, Sookie must stay away from Marnie. She’s dangerous!

Sookie skedaddles it out of there like she’s late for the hog-calling contest over to Mayberry. (“When my Gran tells me to run, I run!”) Marnie goes back to puttering around her shop and not really understanding anything.

Next up is Sam and Tommy rolling along in the death van (the pizza box on the dashboard is so believably Southern, nice touch), with Tommy over-emoting and not bothering to wipe the blood off his face. Wouldn’t you know it, here comes Sheriff Andy, pulling the van over and taking a hit of V before he saunters up to Sam in the vehicle. (Tommy hopes in the back to hide.) Their exchange heats up until Andy insists that Sam open the back of the van, where they find a ginormous alligator (Tommy) snapping his teeth and showing general displeasure. Andy cusses and wets himself while Sam drives away.

Back to the Moon Goddess, where Marnie is bumbling around and encounters Katie, the double agent witch/Bill minion. Marnie tells Katie not to worry about the vampires, that “someone is watching over us”. Cue Katie to smirk and signal about 400 security people to swoop in and snatch Marnie. (This is why you lock your doors, people.)

Cut to Tara and Sookie sitting on the couch while drinking beer and eating ice cream (another fine Southern tradition). Tara is telling her coming-out story, how she didn’t know she liked girls until Naomi came along, prompting Tara to broaden her horizons and tell lies about her past. Sookie is trying to listen and be supportive, but she’s a little skittish, smoothing her skirt too much and glancing around furtively. (Gee, is it the fact that Eric, a person that Tara does not particularly care for, is about to wake up right below their feet?)

Zip over to a rather extensive and expensive cellblock, where Katie has switched clothes and is now marching around like she never got over not getting that guest spot on “Oz”. The camera zooms up on Marnie in one of the cells, as she sits on a cot and mutters incantations. (Girl, hasn’t that kind of mess gotten you into enough trouble as it is?) But before she can listen to me, Marnie’s eyes roll back in her head and she is transported to another holding cell.

And this cell is from back in the day, the time period of Burning Witch Girl, the one who is taking possession of Marnie in modern times. BWG is sitting on the floor of the cell, trying to rally the spirits of other dirty little women in filthy clothes grouped around her. BWG is leading them in a spell (hopefully one that will produce a washing machine and some fresh panties), when BWG looks directly at Marnie, and they subtly smile at one another .

Suddenly, a trio of priests enters the cell, which should be a comforting entrance but instead makes all the dirty wrenches wail and run into a corner of the cell, a corner that is conveniently right near Marnie so we don’t have to jump-cut between two cameras. The priests select one of the women, drag her into the middle of the room, and then their fangs pop as they get down to some decidedly unholy sucking. Oh? Marnie time-warps back to her newer, torch-free cell, panting heavily and looking all distraught.

Back to Sookie and now-rainbow-waving Tara, with Sookie trying to convince Tara to run save her troubled relationship in Nawlins right now. (Translation: You really need to split before Eric wakes up, because if you’re still here when he does, it will be unpleasant and there will be screaming and you’ll probably lose that nice beer buzz you’ve got going, and that would be a terrible thing.)

Cue Eric to come strolling in right then, and naturally Tara completely loses her cool, snatching up fire-pokers and showing us her impressive vocabulary of profanity. When Sookie tries to explain that Eric’s different now, Tara urgently runs down the list of terrible and rude things that Eric has done in the past, including, you know, try to kill all of Sookie’s friends, meaning that Tara might never have gotten to experience lesbianism in the Big Easy. Tara vehemently suggests that they both violate themselves graphically, then she runs into the night.

Fancy holding cell again, with Marnie on that cot but at least not incanting for the moment. Bill comes over an intercom, asking questions of Marnie while Veiled Pam stands behind Bill and gets increasingly agitated. When it becomes clear that Marnie really may not know what is going on, Bill announces that “I will glamour her”.

Bill seems really found of glamouring this season. Is this the hip thing that all the cool people are doing? Is Lady Gaga going to release a song about it?

Anyway, Bill goes to the cell, handing off his suit jacket to Charlie’s Angel Katie at the door. He enters and glamours, and it’s confirmed that Marnie is clueless. Pam, watching on the monitor, curses. And loses another part of an ear.

Cut to Jesus and Laff rolling up to Jesus’ grandfather’s farm in Mexico, even though they only left Bon Temps about 20 minutes ago. They climb out of the car and are nearly jumped by Grandpa from behind. “I’ve been expecting you.” Then the three of them go inside, while chickens cackle and pregnant woman hang laundry outside.

We head to Alcide’s house, probably just because we haven’t gotten to see him yet this episode, and this makes certain fans unsettled and grumpy. He answers the door to find some skanky dude wanting to know why Alcide hasn’t registered with him, since he’s the pack-master of Shreveport. (I went so many places with that phrase in my mind.) Alcide is not really interested in joining any clubs right now. They bicker and glare, then the pack-master finally leaves.

Next we have Tommy and Sam dragging the tarp-wrapped bodies of Ma and Pa Worthless to a boat landing on a swamp. They toss the two into the water, then Tommy has his version of a religious-guilt breakdown (“It’s in them Commandments. Don’t steal sh** and don’t eff with your parents!”) Mainly to shut him up, Sam fesses up to killing two people himself. Ain’t all bad. Then Sam throws some marshmallows into the swamp, because this will bring the alligators to chew up the bodies. It‘s a real sunshine moment.

Cut to Arlene and Terry making serious whoopee in their bed, despite the fact that Baby Damien is in his crib right there, the evil doll is around somewhere, and the room probably still smells like burnt sage and tambourines. (And they’re doing this on those super-slippery satin sheets that make you skitter around all over place.) But I guess it was good for them, because they finish up and dismount.

They have a tender moment where they fess up to feeling really special and happy about coming together as a couple, that things finally seem to be working out, and that the bad times are now behind them. Awww. Then the camera pulls back so we can see that a matchbook on the dresser has just lit itself. Well, hell.

Next we’re in bed with Jason (yay!) but, dang it, he’s not alone. Some floozy is under the sheet, tending to his manly section. Then out pops Jessica. Oh? Jason protests. (“Hoyt’s my best friend!”) Then he asks if this is just a dream. When Jess confirms such, he gives in and they go at it. Trouble is, Jessica keeps talking about Hoyt the whole time. Then Hoyt appears beside them, offering running commentary as Jess rides the ponies with Jason. Then we suddenly have Hoyt in Jessica’s place. Mmm hmmm. They went there.

Naturally, Jason wakes up right at that point.

Cut to Eric and Sookie, with Eric wanting to know if he really did all those bad things that Tara claimed he did before she ran out of the house and into the completely-safe woods of Bon Temps. (At night, no less.) When Sook confirms that Eric sucked as a decent person just a few days ago, Eric rambles on about how he can’t deal with having hurt her or her goodness, can’t understand why she even allows him to stay. “There’s a light in you. It’s beautiful. I couldn’t bear it if I snuffed it out.”

Then he gets up and walks out the front door.

Sookie, because she can’t ever leave well enough alone, rushes after him, calling him back. He looks surprised, but he and his starting-to-get-on-my nerves same pair of trunks return. They embrace tenderly, then kiss, then start with the tongue action as the soundtrack gets louder so we’ll realize this is a pivotal moment.

Bill is having a meeting with the remaining sheriffs in his vague vampire jurisdiction. When one of the sheriffs scoffs at Eric or them being in danger from mere witches, Bill half-chokes his insubordinate ass, then hands things over to another sheriff, Luis, who then fills us in. A long time ago in Spain, there was a sorceress named Antonia who was burned at the stake. During the cookout, she used the powers of necromancy to pull all vampires in a 20-mile radius into the sunlight, killing them and radically altering the census figures for that year.

Understand now, Scoffing Sheriff? Witch who knows necromancy = bad.

There ensues more discussion, mostly about how everyone is wanting to annihilate Marnie but Bill will not let them do so because of the edicts issued by the Vampire League of America. This makes people disgruntled, and a little sloppy, and Pam, in vehemently stating her case to fillet Marnie, lets slip that Marnie wiped Eric’s mind, leaving him a shell and-

Bill shoves Pam against the wall instantly. “How do you know this about Eric?”

Oops.

Bill gets Pam to confess that Eric is at Sookie’s house. Bill does the nifty vampire flash exit. And the sheriffs all look tragic and stricken, probably because this is the only scene they will ever get to appear in.

Pam and her oozing face, the realization sinking in: “I’m sorry, Eric.”


Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: “True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 3

We start out right where we left off, with Sookie sitting in that crappy lemon-hued car of hers and staring out the (stupidly) open window at Eric. He’s still jacked up from the witchy Marnie Mumbling that led to his current amnesia and lack of a shirt. Sookie is oddly intrigued by what Eric thinks she smells like. When he responds with “wheat… and honey… and sunlight”, she responds to his Yankee Candle combo by rolling up the window, hitting the gas and racing away. Good move.

Amazingly, she stops the car about 200 feet down the road, where she and her golden locks glance around to make sure she’s now safe. Only 200 feet, people. Has Sookie suddenly forgotten all that she knows about fleet-footed vampires? Girl, please.

No surprise, Eric zaps out of nowhere and smashes through the glass. Can’t really feel sorry for Sookie on this one, with the dumb-assedry and all.

Roll opening credits. Thong panties, bad teeth, pool-table humping.

Back to Sookie, who manages to hop out of the car and go dashing into the creepy woods that are everywhere around here. Of course, Eric easily runs faster than her, and jumps into her flight pattern. So Sookie hauls off and punches him. Eric: “You broke my nose!” Sookie: Shut up, you’ll heal in five minutes. (Oh, so she remembers this bit of trivia, but can’t remember that you should drive like hell and don’t look back when fangy people think you smell like sunshine?)

Anyway, things are calmer now, what with the nose-breaking, and they chat. Well, they try to, for the most part. Eric keeps breaking into a strange language, perhaps the language of his forefathers or just some crap he made up while sitting on the toilet during a shooting break. Bottom line, he vaguely recalls some mess about a circle of people, and empty eyes, and double images, and anything of value being sucked out of him. Can you help me, pretty girl who smells of UV rays?

Sookie reluctantly agrees, with a few rules. Like, don’t bite me and stuff, okay?

Cut to the Moon Goddess Emporium, where Jesus is tending to a still haggard-looking but increasingly important Marnie. Other people are fussing over the devastation that Eric wrought in their little house of séances and bird-raising. (Tara to Lafayette, not impressed with the turn of events: “Thanks for bringing me here tonight.”) It seems that most everybody is really mad at Eric for crashing the party, and not the fact that they were doing things that might, I don’t know, piss off a vampire and lead to their violent death.

Laff tells them to quit hollering about calling the police, they ain’t gonna do nothin’. Tara tells them to quit hollering about Eric, he doesn’t care about polite little society rules. Marnie tells them that it was really rude of Eric to stop them from “practicing their religion”. (One that involves reanimation? Are you thinking this through?) Then Marnie fesses that she has no idea what she really did to Eric or how.

Great.

Cut to Jason, all chewed-up and tied to that cot, but still managing to look hot. He can hear that one old guy outside, can’t remember his name, as he’s telling folk stories to the little urchins of the camp while they chomp on raw meat and don’t bother to wipe their faces. Some mess about a “Ghost Daddy” and a “Ghost Mama” being eaten by a panther back in the day, and then being puked back up to create the lovely Panther People they are today.

Really? That sounds fun.

Then we see Old Guy asking Felton if Jason is “ready yet”, like somebody’s waiting for the little red thing to pop up on a baking turkey. Then Crystal runs into Jason’s low-rent hotel room, babbling about “I swear I ain’t gonna let em kill you!” and “once you turn, we gonna be together forever!” Then she turns and gazes upon yet another dirt-smeared little girl. “Ain’t he pretty?”

And these people vote?

Quick scene with some yahoos running around with a night-vision camera, and they manage to capture a vampire sucking neck on a woman who only pretends to be horrified by the sucking after she has a camera shoved in her face. Her orgiastic cries turn into outrage and finger-pointing with the flick of a spotlight. (Can you say “Republican”?)

Cut to Bill sitting in his office with the vamp who was caught on tape in the yokel video. Apparently Bill’s new authority involves handing out sentences to vamps who are stupid and careless about modern video technology. He sentences the miscreant to “the true death”, then turns him over to some conveniently nearby henchman with vamp-restraining devices.

Jessica wanders in, and queries Bill about his staff having some Advil that she can take home to Hoyt. Wisely, Bill senses something amiss, and asks Jessica for the real reason she’s bothered to visit after months of separate lives and character arcs. Jess fesses about feeding on someone not named Hoyt. “I am not stupid, just unfaithful.”

Quick scene with Sookie and Eric arriving at her pad, and when Eric waits outside the door for Sookie to invite him in, his memory wiped clean of actually owning the house, Sookie smiles. Amnesia can be fun! But she offers the invite anyway, yet another sign that Sookie is missing a functional cylinder or two in this episode.

Zip over to Fangtasia, where Pam is feeding on some unknown extra and being bitchy, because this is her specialty. Phone rings, and it’s Sookie. Thought you should know that Eric seems to have lost his memory and his sexy tendency toward dominance. Pam immediately drops the phone and zip-flashes out of the building, leaving her supper to fend for his own bar tab.

Back to Sookie and Eric, where she is apparently bathing his feet in a small tub while he sits on her couch. (She might as well use her hair to do the job and change her name to Mary Magdalene.) Pam zips in, and tries to be her typical demanding, severe-hairstyle self. (Wait. When did Pam get invited into Sookie’s house. Should we care or let it drop?) Pam: “You have to hide him!”

Sookie’s not so sure about that. Heated discussion ensues, with Pam stressing that “this is his house” and Sookie being SO not on board with that. When Pam tries to physically threaten Sookie, Eric knocks Pam’s ass across the floor, which is quite satisfying. Pam perseveres, Eric must stay HERE and no one can know. Sookie agrees. “But you gotta pay me.”

Cut to Hoyt at home, and Jessica walking in the door. Since she’s several hours late from a supposed run to the corner pharmacy, accusations fly. But above all the tardiness and bickering, Hoyt is really disturbed about the creepy old doll that keeps reappearing in their house despite both of them trying to get rid of it. Jessica ignores this: “I was with another guy.” More bickering, finally leading to Jessica glamming Hoyt so that he doesn’t remember her confession or their troubles. Sort of sweet, saving him from the pain, but not really a good idea.

And that doll. What up?

Sookie and Eric again, with her helping him down into the Ikea cubby. Eric: “Are you mine?” Sookie: Hells no. Eric: “Would you like to be?” Sookie: Hells no. Eric: “What are you?” Sookie: Hells no. I mean, don’t worry about it, I need to go back upstairs and take a shower because I haven’t done that in this episode yet.

Scene with Lafayette and Tara and Jesus on the deck at Laff’s house, with the action kicking off with the image of Jesus peeing in the nearby bushes. (My life is filled with writing phrases that I could never have imagined as a young Oklahoma child.) What to do with the whole Eric and Marnie mess? Laff wants to go to Fangtasia and beg Eric for forgiveness. (Don’t forget that Eric held Laff hostage in that nasty cellar for a bit, and he hasn’t slept well since.)

Laff tries to get Tara to get out of this mess and head back to her lesbian training in New Orleans, but she don’t want none of that. Fine. He goes to bed, so Tara turns to Jesus with some inspirational advice. (Yet another phrase I never thought…) “Don’t let him go to Fangtasia!” Then she downs a shot of tequila, because when is that not appropriate?

Quick scene with Jason in his cot, unable to get to his ringing cell phone because the rope restraints and his pecs are in the way. Cut to Sheriff Andy making that call, sitting in his car outside of Merlotte's, all pissed off because Jason isn’t answering and he’s hankering for a V fix. Andy attempts to pray, but only gets two words out before he sucks down some V, shoving his blood-dripping finger in his mouth with the tenacity of a she-beast on crack.

Sam bangs on Andy’s car window. Can I help you with something, you finger-sucking weirdo? Andy hops out and begins to cite made-up infractions against Sam’s restaurant. This escalates to the point where punches are thrown and Andy pulls a gun on Sam, then Andy freaks out and drives away. Makes you feel really safe about calling 9-1-1, doesn’t it?

Out of the blue, Sookie shows up at Alcide’s house in Shreveport. (Yay! Fingers crossed that Alcide decides to remove his shirt for a very minor reason.) They chit-chat for a bit, then Sookie spills. She wants Alcide to take care of Eric for a bit. Initially, Alcide thinks this means killing Eric, and he seems rather excited about it, so the shirt-removal is definitely on the horizon. But Sookie just wants him to care for Eric. “He’s sick.”

Then that nasty Debbie woman walks into the room, bearing a tray of snacky things. (Boo!) She’s all apologetic, but Sookie isn’t buying it. “You tried to kill me!” Debbie spills that she’s found both a change of heart AND Jesus, and is trying to live a good life of non-killing. They eventually hug it out. Debbie: “Want a Vienna sausage?”

Sookie does not. Gotta run. Alcide follows her outside. We can work this out, Eric can stay in one of the new, unoccupied houses that I just happen to be building right down the street. Sookie: Eric can’t stay here. Not with a recovering V addict with poor hairstyle choices. Bye, now. She drives off while Alcide stands in the road and pines for her.

Cue Maxine and Tommy sitting in their kitchen, with Tommy learning to read while watching a home-shopping network featuring a Marie Osmond doll. (Totally not making that up, though it seems like I should be.) Maxine happens to mention that “Halloween is next week” (oh?) and then lets Tommy go see who is knocking on the door while she orders her some Marie.

Turns out there’s a man wanting to buy the natural gas leasing rights on Maxine’s property. Well, now. Tommy shuts the door behind him and barters personally with this stupid man who hasn’t read the script and doesn’t understand that Tommy sucks as a decent person. Tommy takes the man’s card and promises to “talk to Momma”. Then he goes back inside and asks Needy Momma if he can make her a cup of coffee. She is delighted by the offer.

Probably shouldn’t drink that coffee, Maxine. Just sayin.

Jason again, on the cot, while Crystal tends to his wounds by smearing what looks like cement all over his chest. Jason: “If you ever loved me…” Crystal: “I’m gonna be the woman to all your baby cubs!” (Now that’s a line.) Jason: “I’m sick!” I need a doctor. Crystal: Nuh uh. You’re going to be the new Ghost Daddy! Oh, and take this Mexican Viagra pill, ‘cause, you know, we might need that.

And what was up with all the crap in Crystal’s hair during that scene? Did she fall down a well?

Over to Merlotte’s, with Tara and Sookie. Tara wants Sookie to tell Eric to forgive them. Sookie is clueless. Tara spills about the tiny little matter of she and Laff and Jesus possibly having something to do with Eric getting an unexpected whammy, what with the chanting and the circle of Marnie devotees. Tara clues in a bit, and wonders why Sookie doesn’t seem to think Eric can be a threat. Sookie blows it off. There’s nothing to fear. But I’ll talk to him if I happen to see him.

People just lie in this town. Word.

Sam walks up, and gets to chattin’ with Tara. Wanna go out back and do some tequila shots. (When would anybody ever say no to this?) So they do. Sam: I’m a little miffed, I told you I was a shifter, and you split. Tara: I never hated you for anything. Sam: Wanna stay at my place? Tara: I’m seeing someone. Sam: Me too!

Jesus comes running up. Laff is missing, even though we just saw him and his jewelry cooking things up on the grill two seconds ago. Tara and Jesus run to the parking lot, discover Laff’s car is AWOL, so they jump in another car and peel out. Sam, presumably, continues drinking tequila.

Cut to a fancy restaurant, where Bill is sitting at a table, using his cell phone to leave a message with Eric, upset about him not taking his calls the last few days. (He’s been a little busy having his mind wiped.) Then that Portia Bellefleur woman trots up, taking what is apparently her seat at the table and offering a proposition to Bill. Things have been working out splendidly between them from a business perspective. Why not take it further and have sex as well, see how that goes?

Bill: I could never love you. That takes a young heart and I don’t have one. And it’s kind of dead. Portia: Fine by me. Bill: Check, please!

Next we have Jessica with Arlene and Terry, and Jess is giving that creepy doll to their probably demonic offspring. Girl, you know that doll is not right, why are you presenting it to an infant that is most likely not right as well? Jessica has been making poor decisions since she went into that bathroom stall at Fangtasia.

Sam’s office, with Tommy showing up. Tommy spills about the natural gas thing with Maxine. (Insert your own joke here, there are many available options.) She doesn’t know, let’s buy the house! Sam is not impressed. “I’m not gonna let you do that to Maxine.” (Why the hell not? Maxine sucks.) Sam: It’s a matter of right and wrong, and you’re just a replacement for Hoyt. Get over it. Tommy: I hate you!

Typical family dynamics in parts of the country where the humidity is unbearably high.

Quick scene at Bill’s house, with him and Portia bumping uglies and sweating a bit. His fangs pop, she tells him to go ahead, make your day if you want. He wills his fangs back in, and they continue to have nuptials, with only the standard piercing. Oh?

Another quick scene, with Sookie wandering around her house and looking for Eric. Everything is dimly lit, so of course this means that something bad is going to happen soon.

Cut to Fangtasia, in the not-fun basement, where Pam is being nasty to Laff, who apparently pulled a stupid and decided to spill some details to Pam. Cue Tara and Jesus to come stomping down the stairs, dragging along that one Fangtasia waitress (Tracy?) who likes to scream a lot and wear questionable clothing. Tara’s got a gun, loaded with wooden bullets, and she lets Pam know this as she points it at her. Pam is not pleased.

Jesus takes a more diplomatic approach: I think we can reverse the spell. You just have to give us time to find Marnie, make her wear something less dowdy, and we can magick Eric back into… whatever. Pam: You have 24 hours or I will kill you all. (Actually, her words were a bit more graphic, but we won’t dwell on that.)

Zip over to Marnie’s Emporium of Clueless People Messing with Crap They Don’t Understand, where Marnie is alone and is in some kind of trance, attempting communication with a spirit. She acknowledges her gratefulness at being chosen, in a very long speech filled with vagueness. She’s also screwing around with a pretty goblet, including cutting open one of her veins so that blood can drip into it, a sure sign that she’s serious about this. Then she ups the ante by doing a second cut, then a third.

With that final slice on her wrist, things get even more whacky. Feeling a bit woozy, Marnie rushes over to a sink and tends to her misguided wounds. Off in the distance, we suddenly realize that a woman is sitting in a chair, looking all psychotic and dressed in night-night clothes from days gone by. OMG!

Cut to Jason on his Un-Holiday Inn cot, just as he’s coming out of another fever dream and realizes that Crystal is astraddle him, trying to make that panther baby and all. Crystal: “Thank you, Ghost Daddy!”, with her lips encrusted from the blood of whatever rodent she’s eaten lately. Jason: “You’re a hillbilly junkie!” ( I have SO got to use that phrase in the next few days.) Then the camera pans to other Women of the Corn standing nearby, ready to assist in whatever. No men. Interesting. Is this matrilineal madness?

Back to Sookie’s house, where she’s reading a book. (Shout out to Charlaine Harris. Hey, gurl, hey!) Suddenly, a bright light does some kind of flashing thing, so Sookie and her short shorts go outside to see what’s up with that.

She finds that Travel Agent Woman who booked Sookie’s flight to Fairy Land. Seems that agent has some demands. “You belong to us!” Come now. We’ll keep you safe. Sookie: When did you ever keep me safe? Agent: Um, all those times we kept you from dying. She details such, with flashbacks to incidents where Sookie miraculously survived attacks by non-vampire meanies.

Sookie: Oh, right, that makes sense, seeing as how I couldn’t have killed all those attackers with just my minimum-wage experiences in life. But why didn’t you protect me from the vampires, too?

Agent: Uh, because vamps can rip my ass to shreds, that’s why. I know my skill set.

Right then, the Agent is whisked away by something blurry. Sookie trots along in the direction of the whisking, and finds Eric feeding on Agent Fairy Chick. Eric finishes up his supper and the Agent briefly turns into something ugly before disintegrating into yet another perplexing pile of dust.

Sookie to Eric: “You just killed my fairy godmother!”

Eric to Sookie: “Sorry.” Then he grins in a my-bad way. Saw it on the menu and I just had to have it.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #181 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 13

Okay, so we start out right after the Tribal where NaOnka and Purple Kelly completely lost their minds and chose to quit the game, irritating everyone, especially Jeff Probst, who gets all pissy if anyone dares to leave voluntarily. Back at camp, we see Holly going off in a sidebar. (“There are only 11 days left. It’s unbelievable!” Then Holly gets distracted by a pair of shoes just sitting around unattended, and she makes plans to sink them as soon as possible.)

Cut to Benry and a couple of others messing around with the one remaining chicken. He decides to christen the bird “Kelly-Nay”, because both Purple Kelly and NaOnka are chickens. This is actually kind of funny, but the chicken is not amused.

Sash in a sidebar, where he’s fussing about the sudden death of his alliance. Dude, why are you fussing? You got all high and mighty thinking you were running things, and then everything went south in about 15 minutes. This is what happens on “Survivor”. Did you bother to actually watch the show before you signed that release agreement?

Roll opening credits.

Sash runs up to Chase, Fabio and Benry as they are standing around and practicing their poses for the “Hunky Men of Survivor” calendar. Sash: I’m gonna play the Idol at the next Tribal so it will remove that target off my back. The other three just look at him, wondering how somebody can get THAT skinny and not fall over when the wind blows.

Sash in a sidebar: I’m gonna do what’s best for me. (Good idea.) Then he goes off about how he’s the swing vote between the two remaining alliances, that people need to make him offers, and then he’ll decide which way to go. (Pompous, much? Your undeserved self-love is going to cost you in the end. Just sayin.)

Chase and Sash. Chase: Our best interest is to go with a woman. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s never considered that option, on the island or off.) Sash: “Jane is the only person that can beat us in the end.” Then Sash gets all clingy: “Will you still take me to the Final?” Chase agrees to do so. (Probable lie, but who knows.) Then they talk about how Holly (for sure) and Sash (not so much) should get to go on the next Reward, whatever it is. Chase agrees that Sash should get to go because he hasn’t been in a long time. (This will prove critical later. Stay tuned.)

And imagine this, it’s time for the Reward Challenge that they were just talking about. Great editing, Survivor Team! (So how come “The Amazing Race” always beats you at the Emmy Awards? Just wondering.)

Anyway, Jeff explains that this Reward Challenge is a chance to “revisit some of the past challenges”. It’s a multi-part thing, with folks running about and doing combined former challenges. The first 4 to finish the first round advance, then the first 2 to finish the second round compete in a final round for Reward. The prize is some quality time at a private resort, where they get to spend the night in luxury, with peasants giving them massages and lots of food sitting around waiting to be violated. Survivors ready?

Chase, Jane, Benry and Holly make it through the first round. (Meaning that Sash, Dan and Fabio were once again beaten by older women. Yay!) Sadly, the older women stumble in the second round, with Chase and Benry moving on. In the end, Chase is triumphant. (And I must say that Chase looks amazingly chiseled with a layer of mud accentuating his pecs. We need to see more of that.)

Jeff informs Chase that he gets to take two peeps with him when he travels to this resort where people want to rub their bodies. Chase decides to go with Holly (fair) and Jane (whoops), despite his promise to Sash that Sash should go on a Reward. Uh oh.

Sash in a sidebar: “That was incredibly stupid” on Chase’s part. Yes, it was, from a political perspective. But it was fun watching you be disappointed, yes?

Cut to the 4 losers going back to camp, all muddy and despondent. Fabio tells everybody that “Chase picked the two strategic players”. (Which means that Fabio doesn’t really understand the word “strategy”.) Sash in a sidebar: That was a stupid move. (Got it, Sash.) But he still thinks he can manipulate the remaining three guys at camp to do his bidding. (Are you sure about that, Sash? Cause you look kind of puny leaning against that tree.)

Sash goes to the three guys and pleads his case. I can be with you guys and we can conquer the world. Dan is initially all for this. (Why wouldn’t he be? He’s completely worthless and will side with anyone who keeps him in the game.) But then Dan gets a little mouthy, pointing out that Sash could just as easily “go the other way”. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s always considered that option, on the island or off.)

Dan in a sidebar, which he doesn’t really deserve, but let’s go with it: “People don’t trust Sash after what he did to Brenda and Marty.” As if anybody should trust DAN, who connives to vote for anybody that’s not him.

Cut to Chase, Holly and Jane at the Reward spa, where they are munching on fruit and getting clean. (Not really sure why we had to see Holly nearly naked, but I suppose somebody out there was probably interested in that opportunity.) Jane is totally psyched about getting to sleep in a Tiki Hut overnight, which is a little odd, but we should let her live her dreams.) While Jane is washing the crust off her body in the outdoor shower, Chase fesses to Holly. Chase: “I made a mistake in picking Jane. It was stupid.” Holly: Yes, it was. We’ll talk later.

Back at camp, we have Fabio and Benry. Fabio: We’ve got to convince Sash to go our way. Benry: He’s not stupid. He will. Then Fabio, Benry and Sash are involved in killing Jane’s chicken (“Kelly-Nay”) while Dan relaxes in the shelter like he’s done since Day One, then they all feast. Uh oh.

Jane, arriving back at camp with Chase and Holly, is distraught over the untimely death of her beloved chicken. “They didn’t have to eat her! I did love my chicken.” Then Jane makes a memorial to the chicken, complete with a cross and a heart in the sand made out of shells. (Which should be really touching, and I do feel sorry for her tears, but Jane, the chicken is protein. At some point your feathered friend had to say goodbye.)

Holly, Chase and Jane. Holly: I don’t trust Sash. Chase: We have to make him trust us. (Agreed. But how are you going to do this? Perform a medley of Village People hits?)

The four loser guys wander back into camp (no word on where they might have been when the Reward people arrived back from the spa where people were willing to touch their private parts and make them feel better). Sash is all huggy with Jane and Holly, but doesn’t do so with Chase, because that action might confirm some things Sash doesn’t want confirmed.)

Ben in a sidebar: I’m nervous. I’m not sure where I stand.

Benry then runs to Chase. He fishes for what Chase and his alliance think about who should go home. Chase hints that it should be Fabio. Oh?

Chase and Sash. Chase is apologetic, regretting about “not taking you”. But “I trusted you to come back to camp with the guys” and not waver. (Oh, good spin, Chase.) Sash then fumbles around, making it clear that diplomacy is not one of his better skills, but he wants to make sure that Chase will take him to the final 3 or 2. Chase agrees. Oh?

Then Holly wanders up to the two, fresh from getting her perm restyled at the Coconut Grove Snip and Clip. Who are we voting for? Chase: Benry said we should go for Fabio. Sash: Benry is totally lying to you. Holly: Does anyone know where I can get a Brazilian wax?

Benry runs to tell Fabio and Dan that that the others are talking about Fabio going home. Fabio doesn’t seem to understand what this means, and Dan high-fives himself for once again slipping under the radar.

Benry in a sidebar: You can’t trust Sash. He’s friends with Momma Holly (he is?), but Chase is “my boy” (he is?), and maybe it’s time for a new alliance.

Ben runs up to Chase, Sash and Holly. He’s good with Fabio going home. Sash: It should be Jane or Fabio next. Chase and Holly just look at Sash like he’s lost his mind. Jane? Are you kidding?

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You’ll be chained to a long rope, wrapped around this thing that looks like something you would tether a horse to, and you have to untangle yourself to release enough rope so you can run fetch a bag of gold coins. The first 3 to do so will compete in the next phase, where you have to solve a “gold-based” puzzle to win. (What the hell is a “gold-based” puzzle? Is this something the Kardashians have to deal with?)

Off we go, with Fabio, Benry and Sash making it to the final stage. In the end, Sash wins, although Fabio is close behind with the puzzle thing. (Don’t get excited, he’s still stupid, he only got close because he was watching Sash figure out the puzzle.) Sash is safe from eviction.

Shot of creepy birds holding their wings out and planning to devour smaller creatures.

Sash in a sidebar: Now I’m a triple threat, with the Hidden Idol, the Immunity Idol, and the swing vote. I’m in complete control. I can’t wait for the Final Tribal where I win all the money.

Really don’t care for Sash. Sayin.

Fabio to Sash: Will you let me know if my name comes up? Sash: Sure! (Uh huh.)

Fabio in a sidebar: Sash is closer to me than anybody. He’ll let me know. (Uh huh.)

Sash, Chase and Dan. Chase: Everybody’s thinking Fabio. Sash and Dan just stand there, because Sash is playing all sides and can’t remember who he might have lied to, and Dan because he’s too tired to think about actually doing anything with his life.

Sash in another sidebar, with him once again proving his arrogance whilst propped in a tree that he probably needed help in climbing. (I’m guessing Jane gave him a boost while she raced off to save the rainforests.)

Brief squabble at camp, with all the people who are not Fabio trying to decide what to tell Fabio so he won’t be suspicious. Benry thinks it would be better to tell him folks are voting for Holly rather than Jane. Then Benry runs off to impart this news with Fabio, who was too stupid to wonder why everybody was gathered at camp and having a Come to Jesus meeting.

Scene with Sash working Jane, calling her his “second momma”. Jane in a sidebar: It’s Chase, Holly, Sash and me for Final Four. Sash has a great heart. (Oh, honey, we need to talk.) Then Jane runs off to search for the Lost City of Atlantis. And she’ll probably find it.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff can’t help himself when bringing in the Jury, calling NaOnka and Purple Kelly “our two quitters”. They don’t seem to care, since they’ve been sleeping in an actual bed. (And don’t get me started on why they are even allowed to vote on the Jury. This too shall pass.)

Jeff to Chase: Was it such a good move taking Holly and Jane on the Reward extravaganza? Chase: Probably not. Then he flexes his pecs, and it doesn’t really matter.

Jeff to Benry: Concerned that you might be perceived as a physical threat? Benry: Hell, yeah, I’m a threat. (Note to Benry: This is when you need to shut your mouth. Seriously.)

Jeff to Jane: Is Fabio a threat? Jane: Oh, yeah. Well, except for the intelligence part. (Love her.)

Jeff to Fabio: How do you deal with being a physical threat? Fabio: Um, that’s a lot of words, but I think I should say that I’m nice and don’t lie.

Uh huh.

Time to Vote.

1 vote for Holly (Fabio), 2 votes for Fabio (Danny and Benry), and 4 votes for Benry.

Oopsie. Blindside.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #181 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 12

Editor’s Note: For those keeping score, I didn’t do a review of Episode 11, since it was one of those “recap” things where you don’t really learn anything new although it’s still fun to watch idiots flail and run about. But now we’re back to the new stuff. Here we go…

Since it’s been two weeks, Jeff catches us up on the major highlights of what’s happened so far. (This is an important humanitarian thing to do, since in this modern age we no longer have an attention span that lasts longer than 5 minutes.) Cut to the Libertad camp, where people are wandering back home after totally-surprised Brenda was sent home.

Totally-surprised Purple Kelly goes up to NaOnka. What just happened? Why did we send Brenda home? Why didn’t anybody tell me? Nay: Who are you again?

Throughout all the people tottering around in front of the night-vision cameras, knocking each other out of the way to get a sidebar, we have shots of torrential rain and things floating out to sea.

Sidebar with Purple Kelly: “Now I’m at the bottom of the totem pole.” Then she pauses to wonder if what she just said sounds too dirty to say on family TV.

Holly and NaOnka. Holly: What Brenda said about you? Don’t worry. In one ear and out the other. You good.

Nay in a sidebar: Everybody can kiss my ass. Or something like that. It’s Nay.

Chase and NaOnka. Chase: “It’s you, me, Holly and Jane. Now we gotta get Sash, Purple Kelly, and Fabio.” (Um, what about Danny and Benry? Granted, Dan has been in a coma this entire season, except when food is available, but Benry is something to be reckoned with, mainly because you know he’s bitter about his name and has something to prove.)

Weird shot of NaOnka looking tragic with a distant storm superimposed behind her. Uh oh.

Roll opening credits.

Oh look, it’s still storming. We watch the previously cute little river turn into a raging avalanche of froth, with trees and small, pointless nations being swept into the ocean. Everyone is really sad about this development. Especially NaOnka. She’s crying and stuff, telling us in a sidebar that she’s anemic, and when it rains it causes her joints to hurt. Okay, that doesn’t sound like much fun, but sweetie, does it not rain where you normally live? Doesn’t the same thing happen there?

And Purple Kelly is blue as well, also crying, babbling to Fabio and to us in a sidebar that life is miserable. Total suckage. Fabio in his own sidebar: “You have to find a mental happy place.” (I’m thinking Fabio not only found that place, he’s moved there and is never coming back to the real world.)

The storm finally breaks. The sun shines, the waves recede, and chirpy birds return to frolic and sing. Then Jane kills all of the birds with Marty’s abandoned and crusty headband so she can smoke some bird jerky and make an extra shelter out of the bird bones. In her spare time, she rebuilds the Mayan pyramids.

NaOnka and Chase. She fesses that her heart’s not in the game, and that “I’ve had this key forever”, meaning the Hidden Immunity Idol. So she gives it to Chase. “You my boy.” What was that all about? If Nay’s not quitting the game, then she’s totally ate up with the dumbass.

Holly and Jane. Holly: If Purple Kelly and Nay leave, we still have 4 with Sash and Chase. (Sash? Dude-ettes, what makes you think you can trust Sash?) Then Holly runs off to tell Sash and Chase about the new alliance. They both try to pay attention, but they are completely distracted by her hair. How does she get it to curl that way?

Sash in a sidebar: This new alliance benefits me least. I wish NaOnka and Purple Kelly would stay. (Then Sash trips over his own ego and bangs his head on a rock shaped just like Brenda. He doesn’t get the point.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

As folks march into the clearing, we can see what looks like giant corpses laid out on morgue tables, so I’m not sure where this is going. Jeff explains: There will be two teams, with members tied together, and they have to carry these giant and very heavy “Gulliver’s” over an obstacle course. If you drop Gully, you have to go back and repeat the previous obstacle. The winning team gets to travel to the “Survivor Cinema” and watch a new movie, “Gulliver’s Travels”, starring Jack Black. (Shameless plug, much?)

The castaways just stare at Jeff. How is that a reward?

Jeff: Oh, and you get to eat movie food, like hot dogs and nachos and popcorn and candy.

The tribe lights up. Let’s do it! They split into teams, with Danny (big surprise) having to sit out so the teams will be even. (He has to pick a team to win, so he goes with the Blue Team.) Holly, Nay, Chase and Benry are on the Blue Team. Sash, Fabio, Purple Kelly and Jane are on the Yellow Team. And off we go. It’s really kind of fun watching these people lug around the giant dead people, and it’s also a very close race, with the lead changing constantly. But in the end, the Blue Team wins. (Which means that Danny has once again done nothing but still reaps rewards.)

While Jeff is congratulating the winners, NaOnka interrupts. “Can I say something?” Jeff nods. Nay: My body is wearing down. This is my last day. I just wanted to go out with a bang.

Jeff is instantly pissed. He never likes it when people quit. Jeff: “Anybody else?”

Purple Kelly: Me, too. I’m done.

Jeff is not accepting this. “I’ll give you the afternoon to think about it. Then we’ll meet at Tribal.” (Translation: You had better not quit or I will cut you.) Jeff: Now, back to the Reward. If anybody on the winning team wants to give up their chance to chow down on movie food, then the whole tribe can take back a tarp and enough rice to last to the end of the game.

All eyes immediately turn to NaOnka, since she’s on the winning team and has already said she’s quitting.

Nay just sits there, not saying a word. (Girl, you are SO wrong.)

Benry even tries telling her that she should give up her spot. Nay couldn’t care less. Finally, Holly volunteers to take one for the camp. Holly glares at Nay as she joins the losing team, then goes OFF in a sidebar. She is DONE with NaOnka at this point.

Cut back to camp. The sad losers are bustling about, prepping for yet another storm and praising Holly for her sacrifice. Holly drags Purple Kelly off to the beach for a reality check. Holly: If you quit, you’re always going to be remembered as “the girl who quit“. You need to suck it up.

Purple Kelly in a sidebar: “I have nothing left to suck.” (Oh my.)

Holly in a sidebar: “I’m starving, but I hope that I’m an inspiration for my children.”

Just saying: Holly’s a bit whacked in the head, but she’s creeping toward a possible win. Jane (my current fave) better watch out.

Cut to the “Survivor Cinema”, where folks are going crazy with the junk food. (The shot of Danny shoving an entire hot dog in his mouth is enough to make anyone fear for their life.) Chase in a sidebar: He’s mad about Nay not giving up her movie pass. NaOnka in a sidebar: “I didn’t give 110% just to give up the Reward.” ( Hold up, skank girl, you’re going home. Why are you being such a selfish pig?) Benry in a sidebar: “NaOnka, please, please, leave!”

Then we have shots of the gang totally cracking up at the movie. Granted, we only get to see a few clips, but it’s enough for me to decide that I never want to see this movie, ever, even if they pay me. (Why is Hollywood producing so much crap these days? Oh, that’s right, the Republicans are blocking any progress in Congress. My bad.)

Nay in a sidebar: “If I stay, I can win a million dollars!”

Brian in a sidebar: No, you can’t. People hate you. Go home.

Time for Tribal.

It’s raining once again, so everybody has to troop in looking all pathetic and drippy. (Strange side note: Why does the Jury (Alina, Marty, Brenda) look so happy and chipper? Did I miss something? They should be pissed.) Jeff to Holly: Tell me how you overcame your desire to quit early in the game. Holly gladly obliges, launching into her diatribe about how Jimmy Johnson helped her find Jesus again. (Or at least a season pass for the Dallas Cowboys.)

Jeff to Jane: What would you like to share with the totally worthless people that want to quit? Jane: You gotta have strength, and I hope they stay. (Then Jane runs off to reinforce the Tribal Council platform using some coconuts and a hip bone that she doesn’t really need.)

Jeff to Benry: What do you think about the skanky ho’s? Benry: I’m frustrated that they’re whining when I know they can make it through the last few days. (Then Benry falls off his stump chair, whacking his head on a piece of Jeff’s ego and screaming that Marty’s headband is about to kill him. No one cares.)

Jeff to NaOnka: Did you ever have a chance of winning this game?

Nay: Yes. I know I did.

This makes Jeff twist off even more, so he revisits the point where NaOnka could have given up her spot to watch a movie so the rest of the tribe could have a tarp and rice. Wasn’t that a bit selfish?

Nay: Nope.

(Shot of Jeff doing all he can not to leap over the fire and throttle NaOnka.)

Jeff: Fine. Time for a decision about who’s going to quit. NaOnka?

Nay: I’m gonna quit.

(Jeff’s so clenched right now that the grinding off his teeth could realign the planet.) Jeff: Purple Kelly?

Purp: I’m gonna quit.

Several blood vessels pop in Jeff’s forehead. Jeff: So, loser bitches, what should we do with your torches since you’re whiny quitters? Both of them: Snuff them out like anyone else. Jeff: Oh, no. I’m going to keep your torches in the Tribal area as a reminder that you quit. (That boy is MAD.)

So Jeff does the snuffing, barely civil to either Nay or Purple, then prominently displays their smoldering torches around the Tribal Hut. Jeff to the remaining tribe: It’s time to step it up and actually start playing this game.

Closing shot is of the Jury, incensed that they were voted out by people who are now quitting. Alina appears to be crying, but I’m not sure if it’s because of the unfairness of her situation, or if she just heard that Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet and he’s not interested in women. Because that was such a surprise.

Roll closing credits.

Searching For Signal: #179 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 9

We start out at the Libertad camp, right after they’ve sent Alina packing. NaOnka in a sidebar: She thinks Marty went too far in his attacks on Jane. (Which is true, he did, but Nay, dumplin‘, you go too far with everything, so I’m not sure that you and that thing on your head should be the one talking about this.)

We see Chase whispering to Brenda: Please tell me you didn’t buy that crap Marty was spewing. Brenda acts like she was all offended by Marty, but you know Brenda’s a sneaky one so she’s probably thrilled that it happened. Then Jane gives her a wake-up call: “Well, wait until he attacks you, honey.” Brenda should really consider this, but she’s too busy waiting for someone to hand her the money because she thinks she’s already won.

Cut to Jane in a sidebar: She has nothing but glowing things to say about wonderful Mr. Marty. Not. “He knows his days are numbered.”

Roll opening credits.

Right when we come back from the commercials, the producers unleash something on the soundtrack that sounds like a man being torn apart by wild pigs. Since we have the volume cranked so we don’t miss any important snide remarks in a sidebar, this screech-noise echoes up and down the block, with lights popping on in neighboring houses. I don’t know what that was, but they don’t need to do it again.

We see Marty and Sash doing something with a water barrel, with Marty trying to figure out which other person voted for him at the last tribal. (It was Holly.) Marty in a sidebar: “It’s frustrating trying to play the game with people that are just stupid.” Well, Marty, it’s also frustrating playing with arrogant buttheads, so that makes it a level playing field, don’t you think? Now go do something on a part of the island where the cameras can’t reach you.

Next we have folks standing around eating rice, because that’s always exciting. Marty tells Benry and Dan what the plan is (because he’s the only one smart enough to have a plan, right?). Marty wants to tell everyone that they are voting for NaOnka, to flush the Idol out, and then actually send Jane home. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-Worthless both nod like this is the greatest plan, ever. (Of course, someone has to run up and nod Dan’s head for him, because he can’t do it on his own.)

Jane in a sidebar: Like I can’t hear you, Marty. Dumb-ass. Marty knows there’s a noose around his neck and he’s desperate. “I’d like to take him to the woodshed and whip his ass.” (Love her.)

Time for the Reward Challenge, with the winners getting to ride zip-lines and then have a nice barbecue. (When folks hear about the fixins that await at the barbecue, most of them have involuntary orgasms, especially Brenda, who apparently has a very special relationship with apple pie.) To win, your team just has to be the first to negotiate a very strenuous obstacle course, find three keys, then open three locks at the end of the run. Jeff announces that they will now randomly draw for the two teams.

Random? We end up with all the ladies on one team, and all the guys on the other, with Chase having to sit out so the teams are even. No offense, ladies, but this isn’t really fair, with such a physical challenge. The guys are already smirking, instantly assuming that they will win, so of course we have to root for the girls.

Jeff turns to Chase, and makes him pick a team to win. If that team does succeed, he gets to fly through the air and eat barbecue with them. Otherwise, nada. Chase opts to side with the women, which earns him the undying hatred of the guys. And off we go.

At first it’s really close, but since we’re dealing with things like breaking through strong brick walls, the guys eventually pull ahead. (The first time the girls hit that brick wall, they bounce right off, which would have been funny if critical things like apple pie weren‘t involved.) Dan, of course, basically has to be carried through part of the course, but the guys eventually win. And as expected, the guys give Chase all sorts of smack for not picking them.

Interesting twist: Jeff asks the guys if any of them are willing to give up their spot so one of the girls can go, with Jeff pointing out that this is a social and strategic game. The guys take one millisecond to all say no. Jeff: See that? “Whatever alliances exist, they aren’t existing right now.” Word.

Marty in a sidebar: “Watching Chase join Jane was like watching the movie “Dumb and Dumber”. (Whatev, Marty. You’re such a jerk.)

Cut to the boys riding the zip lines. They seem to be having a good time and all, except for Dan. Even when riding something designed to make him go fast, he falls apart. He doesn’t even have to do anything, which is his specialty, but he still can’t handle it, inching along like it’s jello time at the old folks home.

They finally get to the food, where Marty promptly starts babbling about his plan to trick NaOnka and send Jane home. The guys all seem to be on board, but it’s hard to gauge their true feelings when they’re all shoving sausages in their mouths. (Danny eats and drinks more than anybody, because it’s HARD WORK doing nothing all day.)

Fabio, of all people (he’s not the sharpest fool in the bed), wonders what Brenda thinks of Chase, which is a good question. Brenda is pivotal. Marty doesn’t really care, like Chase is completely unimportant. Dan agrees about Chase. (“He’s a bad horse to ride.” Yep, Dan said that. Even the cameraman stumbles when he hears Dan saying somebody else is worthless.)

Sash in a sidebar: Marty’s plan makes sense, but “Brenda and I are the two smartest minds out here. In the end, she and I have the power to send whoever we want home.” (I’d still sleep with one eye open, Sash. It’s the people who relax and get too comfortable in this game that usually get hit with a blindside. Sayin.)

Back at camp, the girls all love on Chase for supporting them. Well, except for Brenda, in a sidebar: He didn’t make a smart move. He should have went with the guys. “Chase doesn‘t make smart moves, that‘s his problem.” (Really? Can you count, Brenda? The five girls plus Chase can trump any vote coming from the five other guys. Oh, wait. You and Sash are joined at the arrogant hip. My bad.)

Anyway, Brenda aside, they all want Marty out. Holly and Chase have a sidebar where they worry about Brenda, but they end the convo with Holly saying “You gotta trust her. That’s all you can do.” (No, you actually should do more than that, but I understand that you may not have time, since it takes so long for you to shove all that hair of yours under your buff.) Chase and NoOnka chat, with Chase still worried about Brenda. Nay warns him about upsetting Brenda: “Just don’t get on her nerves.”

Chase, not listening, proceeds to do just that, cornering Brenda on the beach and grilling her, while NaOnka sits nearby and shakes her head over the stupid farm boy. Cue Brenda in a sidebar: “Chase is like a little baby, always going waah-waah-waah.”

Next we have Marty walking up with tree mail about the next Immunity challenge, which is going to be a memory test. Jane in a sidebar: “Anybody needs to win, except for Marty.” Yep. Then Jane runs off to chop wood, plow a field and shoe some horses, all before supper.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Basically, Jeff is going to show them several images in a row. Then the players have to show him these same images back using a multi-sided cube. As soon as you mess up, you’re out. Jane, NaOnka, Dan, Holly, Kelly and Sash all drop in the first round. Fabio (yep, he made it this far, can you believe it?), Chase and Benry drop during the second round, with Marty and Brenda being the final two alive. Brenda wins. (Jane practically explodes with joy.)

Back at camp, the scrambling begins. We start with Fabio and Benry, wondering if their plan to evict Jane will work. Fabio actually says this line: “I hate playing stupid so much.” Uh huh. Anyway, they decide to lay low and see how it goes. Next up is Marty, Dan and Chase, with Marty telling Chase it’s going to be Nay. (Marty tries using a sports analogy that doesn’t really prove anything other than the fact that Marty plays different sports than anybody else.)

Shot of Marty on the beach, looking paranoid as hell, while Jane sits nearby, plotting his death.

Chase and Holly, with Holly wondering what Marty has said to him. Chase fesses that they’re saying NaOnka, but he thinks they plan to blindside Jane. (Smart man.) Holly: “So, who are you voting for?” Chase: “I’m voting for Marty.” Holly carries on this conversation by constantly shoving fruit in her mouth, so she might have some focus issues.

Marty runs up to Brenda, presenting his plan as “Sash’s plan”. That’s what everybody wants. (Brenda in a sidebar: “I agreed to it, but Marty’s not running the camp. Sash and I are running the camp.” )

Brenda and Sash get together, where they agree that Marty would probably be a good choice, but both of them are bothered by the fact that most of the camp wants Marty gone, and they don’t like “Jane demanding things”.

Seriously, they are mad that Marty wasn’t their own decision, even though they agree with it. What the hell? How more self-involved can you get? (Me? More than ready for Marty to go, but right behind that I can’t wait to see Brenda and Sash slam up against the wall of reality. Should be fun.) Sash actually says he’d prefer that Marty stay for a while because he’s a good cook.

What is wrong with these two?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff asks several questions, but it really comes down to one thing: NaOnka completely loses her mind. She snaps at Jeff, tears into Marty (“I don’t like him!”), rips into Fabio, and basically goes on an expletive-filled rant. Jeff: “I’m speechless. Something tells me that if you can go off like this, tribal after tribal, and you’re still here, I’m expecting you to still be sitting here at the final.”

Oh?

Time to vote.

Jeff asks about the Idol, and NaOnka doesn’t move. Something is up.

Jeff draws out the results.

Jane, Marty, Jane, Jane, Jane, Marty, Marty, Marty… and… another Marty. When Marty sees that fifth vote for him, the look of utter shock on his face is priceless. Smirking, Jeff reveals another vote for Marty, and that’s enough, he’s going home. It seems that Brenda and Sash decided that Marty wasn‘t that great a cook after all. (Jane winks at a grinning Alina on the jury.)

I crack a beer, because it’s time to celebrate.

In the previews for next week, everybody is standing around staring at the ground, totally shocked. Benry: “This is a day from hell.”

What?

Roll closing credits.

Searching For Signal: #178 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 8

We start out at the La Flor camp, with lovely shots of angry birds devouring the carcasses of dead animals. Real nice. Then we have Marty in a sidebar: “I’m a dead man walking.” Jill was a good player. “Now there are people left who have no right to be here.” Like you, Marty? Just asking.

Cut to Fabio wandering back into camp, waving tree mail. (How he even managed to find the tree mail is beyond anything I can comprehend.) Turns out that there’s a map and a key. It’s time for a merge! Everybody parties like it’s 1999, even though half the people in the tribe weren’t even born then.

Another sidebar with Marty: He thinks this merge is the greatest development ever. “I’m back in the saddle again!” Oh boy.

Roll opening credits.

Now we’re at the Espada camp, where folks stumble upon a big chest, with a note on top: Don’t open until you have the key. This gang also realizes that it’s merge time, and they have a mild celebration, although it’s not really clear if they even understand what a merge means. Benry in a sidebar: “Now we gotta start playing as individuals. And Alina has got to go.”

Dude, not sure that Alina should be your target right now. Oh wait. Your name is Benry, which is not a real name. It’s understandable if you have focus issues.

Alina tries to rally the rest of the tribe: If we all stick together, we’ll go far. Let’s get Marty!

Crickets chirp.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Nobody’s buying it.”

The La Flor tribe comes stumbling into the Espada camp, with the Espada folks stunned that Jill is gone. (So is Jill.) We zip to another Marty sidebar, because Marty is apparently the Russell in this season, getting all the camera time: “I have a new lease on life!” Thousands of people don’t cheer.

They open the mysterious chest, and find lots of food and brand-new buffs. Marty immediately dubs the new tribe “Libertad”. (It’s the Spanish word for freedom. Yay!) Everyone accepts this without discussion, so once again Marty has baffling powers over his tribe mates. They drag the chest back to camp and the feasting begins.

NaOnka in a sidebar: She babbles for a while about the wondrous joys of eating tasty food. Then, while detailing the fabulousness of some sausage she had, Nay compares the sausage to her fine booty, and then she toots.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, NaOnka actually broke wind on national TV. On purpose.

That right there goes a long way toward explaining so much about modern American society. No wonder the rest of the world doesn’t take us seriously anymore.

NaOnka, after her startling gaseous liberation, runs to find Brenda and spill some tea: You have to watch Alina. She don’t have an alliance. Brenda, unaware that Nay could easily kill her with a wave of her booty, spills as well about what has been going on since NaOnka had to go live with those horrid old people in the other camp. NaOnka: “It’s about to get real wicked!” up in here.

Um, I think it already did. Do you not see the birds dropping from the sky, gasping for breath?

Cut to Jane and Chase, with Jane running her country mouth about how she trained real dang hard to be on “Survivor”. And she owns a shotgun. (Chase in a sidebar: “She makes me miss my Momma.” Oh? Does your Momma have firearms as well? Is it required in your state?) Since they’re both from North Carolina, they decide that they completely love each other and will do anything to help each other along. At least for this episode.

Next we have NaOnka making tortillas at the campfire. She gets a little bent out of shape when her hooligan tribe mates eat all of the good tortillas and only leave her a nasty little one. So she decides to steal the sack of flour, so nobody can have tortillas again, ever. (Holly sees her do this.) We watch Nay stomp off into the jungle and bury the flour, mumbling incessantly to herself about how the world done her wrong.

But she doesn’t stop there. Nay slips back into camp and steals cooking utensils, frying pans, fruit, and one of Rupert’s tie-dye t-shirts. She dashes off to hide this loot as well. How can she possibly think this is a good idea? What is wrong with her?

Cut to a conversation between Alina and NaOnka. Alina: So, are you going to stay with the six of us (former La Flor) or get back with Brenda? (Very perceptive.) NaOnka, totally lying: Stay with the six, of course. Then Nay shows Alina all the crap that she stole. Alina seems to be a bit surprised by Nay’s actions, but this doesn’t stop her from sharing some of the fruit with Nay. NaOnka, sucking on an orange slice with ferocious intensity: “Everybody wants you out!” Alina is stunned, juice dribbling off her own chin. Why me?

NaOnka in a sidebar: I told her that just for the jury vote, so she think we tight because I warned her.

Back to the main camp, where folks are starting to realize that they got a whole mess of stuff gone AWOL. Holly calls out NaOnka. Yo, that flour you shoved in your Gucci bag before you run to the woods like the Po-Po comin’, did you put it back? Nay completely lies. Of course I put it back. Then Nay gets all huffy, mad that people are questioning her integrity. (Hello?) Fabio, of all people, completely loses it, and heated discussion ensues. Fabio cusses, Nay continues to deny, and Alina just stands there, wordless, wishing that all of this would just go away so she can go somewhere and change alliances once again.

Cut to Alina, Chase and NaOnka, trying to convince Nay to fess up. Chase: Everyone knows you did it.

Two minutes later, Nay marches into camp and does just that. To an extent. She admits to taking the flour, but only so she could “ration” it. And because Nay is Nay, she gets all street about it and snaps at the people who don’t buy her fake motive. This girl is just a twist away from a total meltdown.

Marty in a sidebar: Stealing food? On “Survivor”? Skank should go home. “But this game’s never simple”. True dat. But while we’re on the subject of what one shouldn’t do on “Survivor”, Marty, let’s review your performance. Oh, never mind, we don’t have time for that. We’d be here through the 2012 elections.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Alina confessed to being part of it. Sucks to be Alina right now.” (Actually, Brenda, Alina didn’t confess to squat, mainly because she didn’t do anything. Starting to really not like you even if your hair does look pretty in the fading sunlight.)

Chase, Sash, Brenda and Jane are sitting around, waiting for anything of the tiniest bit of interest to happen before the next challenge. They all decide that they need to distance themselves from NaOnka and her need to snatch and run. Then a bird flies overhead, and the three youngsters all scream and run for cover while Jane reaches for her trusty shotgun that isn’t there.

Sash in a sidebar: I need to take Nay to the Final Three. There is no way that anybody is going to vote for her after what she’s done. (Sash is quite confident that he’s going to be in this Final Three. I’m quite confident that Sash will be sent home before then because people are sick of his teeth being too white.)

Sash runs to NaOnka: Just keep acting like you are really sad about your crimes against nature. NaOnka nods, then seems to realize that her hairdo alone is one of those crimes, and she might have a tough sell.

Meanwhile, Jane keeps catching fish like they are falling from the sky, and she sashays into camp with her latest catch, doing one of her silly dances that somebody back on the farm ignorantly blessed as something she should actually do again. (Shot of Marty and Benry and… one of the other guys, I don’t remember… making fun of Jane. Yet they are laying on their asses in the camp hut while Jane feeds them all. I’m actually starting to really root for Jane over these lazy, self-centered, extremely egotistical losers. But I’m not bitter.)

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a cancer. She’s got to go. (Then Marty pauses to wait for hundreds of people to applaud his wisdom. This does not immediately happen.)

Marty runs to tell Brenda that Jane is the devil incarnate. Brenda just nods and waits for the camera to stop filming their conversation.

Brenda in a sidebar: Marty has the wrong impression of Jane. Maybe we need to get rid of that at Tribal. (I’m assuming that “that” is Marty, but it’s not clear.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You have to use these metal handles to keep tension on a steel bar. If you don’t keep the pressure up, the bar will fall and break a tile, and you’re out. Oh, and the last man AND woman standing will win Immunity. Ready, GO!

Within two seconds, Kelly Purple drops her rod. Within three seconds, Dan drops his. (Dude can’t blame his leg for this one. He’s just worthless all the way around.) As time goes on, they drop in this order: Alina, Brenda, Benry, Sash, NaOnka, and Holly. Which means that Jane is the last woman standing and wins Immunity.

But she doesn’t want to give up. Jane: “What if I want to beat them?” (The three remaining guys.) Jeff, possibly turned-on by Jane’s stamina, lets her continue. Marty drops, followed by Chase, meaning that Fabio wins the Guy Immunity. Fabio lets loose of his rod, but Jane doesn’t. She shifts to the side before letting go. “I don’t want to break my tile.”

Jane outlasted all the guys. It’s official, I think I’m in love and want her to win.

Quick scene with everybody marching back to camp, and Marty is royally pissed that Jane is safe at the next Tribal. Good.

Once at camp, Jane gathers all the females and pretends to just be celebrating her win, but she whispers to them “I only wanted to beat Marty. He’s my number one choice to evict.” The rest of the girls play along, laughing and pretending that nothing sinister is going on.

Scene with Purple Kelly, Jane and Alina. It seems that all the girls would love for Marty to go home. (Jane has a small orgasm upon hearing this news.) They just need to convince Sash so they can have the extra vote they need.

Scene with Jane, NaOnka, Chase and Holly. Yep, they want Marty gone.

Then, stupidly, Chase runs to tell Dan, of all people, that it’s going to be “Marty or Alina.” Chase, you idiot, this kind of dumb-assedness is why people are leery of folks from North Carolina. You are not representing well here.

Sash marches up to Jane and Chase: I promised. I have to give the Idol back to Marty if I think he‘s in danger. Don’t make me go back on my word. (Sash, do you want to win or not? That’s the question.) Jane: Then give me the Idol. You won’t have it to give it back. Sash, of course, has no intention of doing so.

Jane in a sidebar: She’s very mad about this “Idol Gives Back” agreement. “I am NOT voting for Alina.” I can’t vote for someone that I don’t think deserves to go home.

Have I mentioned that I’m sweet on Jane at the moment? Love her.

Dan runs (okay, he hobbles) to Marty, which we totally expected, spilling about what Chase told him, that it’s Marty or Alina going home. Marty immediately goes into Paranoia Mode.

Marty runs to Sash. What’s going on? Sash assures Marty that he’s not in danger.

This is not good enough for Marty. He corners Sash and Brenda. What’s going on? Dan said Chase said such and such. Sash and Brenda act like they have no idea what Chase is talking about. Marty, because he really thinks highly of himself, then starts bellowing that if anybody tries to vote him out, he will crush them. Really? With what, Marty? The Idol that you no longer have?

Scene with Alina, Jane and Holly, with all of them realizing that they probably don’t have Sash’s vote. Go to Plan B. Alina: Let’s get Fabio to vote our way. (Fabio? He has issues with remembering how to breathe.)

But Alina goes to him anyway. “Vote Marty.” Fabio: I thought we were voting NaOnka first. (Oh please. Nay has a freakin Idol. Are you not paying any attention whatsoever, Fabio?) Alina, realizing that she should use Fabio‘s stupidity to her advantage, encourages Fab to vote for Nay since it will help her cause in the end. Fabio then goes on a mindless rant about not wanting to vote for Marty. Alina tries to be a trooper and appear to be interested in his thoughts, but she finally gives up and wanders away. Fabio doesn’t even notice.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Holly: “Is the game changing?”

Holly: Yep. People will do anything to get ahead. At this point, you can’t just agree with everyone, you have to take risks.

I’m stunned that Holly actually has some insight. Did she figure this out on her own, or did she stumble across a copy of the script while sneaking onto Jeff’s yacht in order to sink one of his over-starched shirts?

Then Marty has to jump in: “I want to clear the air.” Then he rips into Jane, going way beyond reality and clearly proving that he is just an arrogant ass. “If she makes it to the Final Three, I will vote for her” because she has fooled all these people.

Jeff to Alina: Did Marty just hurt himself?

Alina: He just posed himself as the biggest threat. (Not the greatest grammar, but point taken.)

Dan, being his usual worthless self and acting like a five-year-old: “Alina and NaOnka took food!”

NaOnka: “I’M the one that took the food.” Alina didn’t have squat to do with that mess.

Jeff, apparently not hearing what Nay just said, or even bothering to review the episode that we just watched, to Alina: What do you do to get this stigma off of you?

Alina: I’m not a threat. I’m just a pawn. And people can use pawns to get the votes they need.

Very good point. But is anybody listening?

Time to vote.

Two votes for Marty (Jane and Alina). Everybody else votes for Alina.

Jeff: Alina will be the first member of the jury. But it seems that you are “still making decisions as a group. That will have to give.”

At this point, Jane should just whip out that shotgun of hers and demand the prize money. Nobody else deserves it.

Roll end credits.