Backup Dancers From Hell: Keyshia Cole featuring Nicki Minaj - “I Ain’t Thru”

We start off flying over the downtown of some city, while Keyshia is already wailing away about something that’s troubling her. (Quick glimpse of Nicki Minaj, because if that girl is going to be in your video, she fully expects some major screen time.) Cut to Keyshia strutting around on top of a skyscraper. (At least I think it’s her. There’s a tremendous amount of hair and hair product fighting for the camera’s attention.)

Keyshia waves her hips in just the right manner to cause a fancy car to start driving around on the streets below. It’s a nice car from the looks of it, but I don’t know cars, so it could be anything. We also seem to be having an issue with fog blowing across the set. This might be intentional, but it might be the result of some assistant not bothering to check the weather channel.

Oh look, now we have shots of some trampy girl with an attitude prancing down a street. I’m not sure who it is, it might be Keyshia, minus all the rooftop hair, but I’m not sure. Whoever she is, she might be a little warm, because she rips off her couture dead-animal coat and tosses it to the side so some homeless person can think he found Jesus. Then Coatless Girl starts busting some moves to show how hawt she be.

Meanwhile, Keyshia is doing a dance routine in what might be a club or just the “Young and Hip” department at Macy’s, and that fancy car is still driving the streets, searching for some Fly Girls to hop inside and get the party started. I guess the car will have to wait a bit, because Rooftop Keyshia, Unknown Street Walker, and Dance Club Keyshia are still busy finishing up dance steps that somebody got paid to teach them. (Interestingly enough, all this choreography seems to center around the ability to thrust your pelvis whilst looking around to see who is watching you thrust your pelvis.)

Okay, back to the fancy car, with Keyshia now driving and one of Nicki’s personalities in the passenger seat. Oh wait, now they’re in the dance club, with Keyshia battling to dominate the scene while yet another Nicki personality is doing something to highlight her amazingly straight hair. Quick shot of Unknown Street Walker having some type of issue with her hair on that skanky street she’s walking down because she didn’t pay attention to when Keyshia was picking her up in the fancy car.

Okay, now Nicki is rapping in the Dance Club, wearing an outfit that can only be described as “RuPaul ain’t ever gonna wear that, sister, so why you frontin’?” (Seriously, what’s up with the window valance as a mini-skirt?) Nicki isn’t bothered a bit, doing her creepy Animatronic Girl routine where she does robot moves and widens her eyes like she just got an enema when she least expected it.

Back to the car, where Keyshia and Nicki are possibly rapping but might just be suffering really bad gas bubbles from those questionable tacos from “Shorty’s Fold and Stuff”. (To be fair, Keyshia is only adding a few vocal “uh huh’s” to the mess, so this is really Nicki in 4th gear with no emergency brake.) Nicki sure likes saying words like “duck” and “roof”. This probably means something. But not to me.

Now the fancy car is barreling through a tunnel, which inspires Keyshia and Nicki to flash the Peace Sign. (Okay, I know that gesture is supposed to mean “deuce” in the modern world, but really, it originally meant “peace”. And I like that a lot better than promoting a playing card.) Back to the roof, with Keyshia tromping around in that black raincoat and doing high-kicks while menacing fog billows about and threatens to suck her into a John Carpenter movie.

Now we’re in the dance club, where we learn that Belvedere vodka can act like a Roman candle if you just let it breathe. Keyshia and Nicki think this is a really plush development, so they wiggle around on the lounge seats and act slightly horny about the fireworks shooting out of the liquor bottle. In fact, they are so inspired by the sight of something spewing that they take to the dance floor, and strike some killer moves that accentuate all of their couture accessories.

Additionally, this Tribute to the Belvedere Spewing includes some business with needing “elbow room” and the freedom to possibly pursue girl-on-girl touching while the beat pulsates. That’s some really high-quality vodka. Everybody in the club seems to understand the importance of the right to bare arms, and whatever other body parts need emancipation, and there’s a rousing display of unbridled lust and patriotism.

Now we start jump-cutting around, with Rooftop Keyshia trying to do the diva thing on top of the building, hands out-stretched to indicate that she really believes in her vocals, Streetwalker Whoever kicking it into high gear as she and her spandex flail about like she just got her tax refund, Dance Club Keyshia making it very clear that there is no parking on HER dance floor, and Nicki trying to remember which personality she is supposed to be at this particular moment. I’m going to guess it’s the one who would straddle something that isn’t really hers but pretends like it is.

And that’s pretty much how we end the video. Everybody’s having a really great time doing pointless things that wouldn’t be so exciting if Mt. Saint Belvedere hadn’t erupted just when it did. Keyshia loves her red jacket and the fact that she has a belly button, Streetwalker couldn’t be more pleased with the opportunity to sashay through the trashy streets of Manhattan, and Nicki has figured out at least 20 new robotic moves that should ensure she gets to guest rap on at least 10 more hit singles…



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Backup Dancers From Hell: Nicki Minaj - “Right Thru Me”

This one starts out with a very long intro, with Nicki and her current beau returning from what might have been a party, or at least some place that required the beau to wear a tuxedo and Nicki to wear puffy toilet paper instead of an actual blouse. They march into the kitchen, and she’s all fired up about something that Beau did, waving her manicured hands around and repeating phrases because Beau is apparently not listening. He fiddles with something in the fridge instead of validating her in any way, so she breaks a glass to get his attention. Oh boy.

(Side note: Beau is WAY hot, so he better have done something really major, or Nicki just needs to chill. Unless the police were involved, I’m thinking they just need to work it out.)

As Beau picks shards of glass out his face, Nicki lets loose with her issues. Apparently Beau has been disrespecting her in some way. We only know this because Nicki bellows “stop disrespecting me!” at least 20 times. Beau has finally either had enough, or he’s concerned that more leaded crystal might be headed his way, and he starts to leave. Sure enough, Nicki smashes another glass. (She might as well keep going, because now the set is ruined anyway.)

Beau almost makes it to the door, and then Nicki races up to clutch his arm and beg him to stay. (Okay, Ladies, this is NOT how you do it. Let his ass march on out the door and think about things for a while. If he knows that you’re always going to give in, he’s never going to change. Have you not been listening to Tyler Perry?)

Now that Nicki has changed her attitude and has moved away from other possible projectiles, Beau actually starts to listen. She starts up with that “disrespecting” word again, so she almost loses him once more, but within a bit they are snuggling and loving on one another and we finally get to the song part of the video.

And I guess they worked it out, because they are lying in bed, post-coital, or at least post-nap. Well, Beau is laying there, snoozing. (I get the impression that Beau probably sleeps a lot. When you’re pretty, you don’t waste a lot of time working or wondering what people think about how you look.) Nicki is sitting beside him, caressing his muscular bicep. Then she lays down beside him.

And apparently starts having flashbacks to times when she wasn’t yelling so much. We see Beau looking hot in a ballcap, the two of them strolling along a beach at sunset, more hot ballcap, embracing on the beach, ballcap. You get the idea. Back in the bed, Nicki is singing to Beau in between the shots of erotic headgear.

Then we have Nicki trapped in what might be a giant shower. It’s really not clear what’s going on, but she’s singing behind a glass wall and there’s steam everywhere. She tries to wipe away the steam, but it keeps coming back, which is symbolic of her love for a man that disrespects her. She tries to quit him, but she can’t.

Some new scenes with Nicki wearing an afghan and giant hoop earrings. She’s just trying to get in her car, but Beau seems to have an issue with that. He’s tugging on her arm and bickering. She’s realizing that it’s hard to yell back when big golden rings are banging against your throat. She manages to make it into the driver’s seat, but then he says something really uncalled for, and she hops back out so he can jump in. Poor thing can’t even drive her own car.

Meanwhile, Nicki is still wiping away the steam in the mammoth shower room. How her hair isn’t frizzing into an unruly bush, I really don’t know. She must use some really quality hair products. Whoops, we get a full-body shot of Nicki in this room, and she apparently takes her showers while still wearing her underwear. Perhaps someone should speak to her about that. If no one tells you you’re not doing something right, how will you ever learn?

Shot of Beau standing in some pretty coastal water, with loving droplets splashing up and sizzling on his nipples. Then he’s out of the water, possibly looking for his shirt. Perhaps someone should speak to him about that. If you don’t have anything that needs covering up, why bother?

Okay, he’s back in the water, with Nicki motioning for him to do something. He looks confused. Then she’s straddling him back on the makeup-sex bed, and they are intertwining hands. (He better watch out for those sharp nails of hers, he could lose a finger.) Wait, now we’re back in that kitchen again, with them wearing the outfits that started this video. Not sure why we’re seeing this again.

They go through the same fight once more, and I’m not particularly pleased. I like the other scenes better where people aren’t wearing as much clothing. She smashes the two glasses, then does the Sybil flip-flop where she begs him to stay, blah, blah. (Just in case you were wondering about the status of Shower Nicki and Makeup-Sex Nicki during all this, the producers helpfully give us little status updates during the replay of the glass-smashing. Shower Nicki is still dealing with that steam, and Makeup-Sex Nicki is still straddling Beau and singing like her life depended on it.)

Okay, things are looking up. They finish with the kitchen-fest, and we start seeing shots of Beau dripping wet, somewhere. This can only be a good thing. Oh, he’s in the shower. That’s a good choice. But he’s wearing underwear, which harshes the buzz a little bit. (Why do these people around here bathe without taking off their undergarments? Are they Catholic?)

Quick shot of Nicki sitting on the floor of her closet, her face full of anguish and dismay. I’m guessing that she can’t figure out which shoes to wear in the next scene.

Now we roll into a montage of Beau in the shower, Nicki in the Shower without a Door, both of them on the beach at sunset, and Beau giving Nicki a piggyback ride because she must have gotten tired wearing all that jewelry on the beach and trying to walk at the same time.

Suddenly, Shower Nicki yells “Stop!” several times. I realize it’s part of the song, but it’s still startling considering my naughty thoughts about how Beau really needs to join my gym. Then she starts back in with the singing, so I guess I’m safe.

At 4:34 in the video, Beau decides to baptize Nicki in the River Michael Jordan. I’m not really going to argue with that, because it never hurts to bring people closer to Jesus. He can get you into all the best clubs.

But I guess the baptism didn’t take, because by 4:51 in the video, Shower Nicki is shoving her butt against the glass. I really don’t think the church elders would be in support of this activity. They frown on wetness against clear partitions. Or any wetness, for that matter.

We have a quick montage at the end to catch us up on what all the Nicki’s have been doing, then we freeze-frame on Shower Nicki still trapped behind the glass.

I sure hope she gets out someday.

But until she does, I’ll take care of Beau for her. Don’t worry, girl. I got it.

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: will.i.am and Nicki Minaj - “Check It Out”

Editor’s Note: This is another one of those videos where there’s so much going on that you can’t really tie a story to it, so we’ll just hit the highlights. Oh, and this is the unedited video, so there’s a bit of language. Not that you should be surprised by that if you clicked on this link…

0:03 Some announcer guy is really stoked about what might be in a locked pink box. Or by what his assistant is carrying. Or something.

0:09 Long shot showing that we’re in a very minimalist studio, where the color black is a key theme.

0:12 An army of young Yoko Ono drag queens is in the audience. They like to sit very still.

0:17 The assistant hits a button on a boom box and we start hearing a sample of Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Start”.

0:18 The drag queens are not impressed.

0:28 Oh look, there are some guys that like to sit very still, too. This is a well-behaved audience. Yay!

0:30 Nicki makes her debut. Something really tragic has happened to her hat, but that’s okay, because her fingernails look great.

0:34 Nicki might be having an issue with a gas bubble.

0:41 Nicki’s vocals prove that she knows some racy words.

0:45 will.i.am shows up.

0:46 Now there are two will.i.am’s, standing on each side of Nicki, probably so they can help her keep that hat on.

0:54 will.i.am is making it clear that he doesn’t like something.

0:56 Nicki confesses to a drinking problem.

1:01 will.i.am introduces some friends of his who are dancing like they are trapped in “The Matrix”, and they are able to replicate themselves while they boogie. That’s a very nice skill to have.

1:05 The Yoko Ono’s show their appreciation for the dancers by crossing their legs all at the same time.

1:10 Now we have two Nicki’s. Is there a cloning lab in the back room?

1:13 Nicki doesn’t know what to do about the bad economy.

1:17 The Yoko Ono’s all turn and look at us. It’s very creepy, and I wish they wouldn’t do that.

1:28 Nicki decides that she needs to call a taxi.

1:33 will.i.am thinks the back of his head is very special.

1:38 will.i.am approves of something that we don’t know about.

1:45 Nicki is surprised that the hat is still on her head.

1:49 The Duelling Nicki’s pay tribute to the dancing in the “Thriller” video.

1:58 will.i.am proves that he does indeed have actual eyes under those shades.

2:04 The two Nicki’s start wearing an outfit that can’t possibly be comfortable. They try to figure out how to move around while wearing molten plastic.

2:12 will.i.am has a water bottle on his head. I’m not sure that he’s aware of this.

2:13 Nicki asks Jesus if Pizza Hut showed up yet.

2:17 The Yoko Ono’s look the other way. Good.

2:30 will.i.am uses a phrase that you will never hear on “Dora the Explorer”.

2:32 People start dancing on both the floor and the ceiling, so we can probably blame Lionel Richie for that.

2:39 Nicki has an issue with what the sun may or may not have done-done this morning. I hope she works it out.

2:46 We now have 4 will.i.am’s. If this keeps going, we might have to redraw the voting districts.

2:54 Now people we don’t even know are getting cloned. But at least they have rhythm.

3:00 Nicki still needs that taxi, people. Help her out.

3:07 Did will.i.am get to close to a nuclear reactor? He really should be more careful.

3:11 The Yoko Ono’s seem very interested in will.i.am’s new appearance. Perhaps they really like people who glow in the dark and can be used to recharge their cell phones.

3:12 will.i.am seems to be trapped between two giant speakers. He tries to escape by dancing.

3:21 Nicki is stuck on the ceiling again. Maybe she’ll have better luck getting a taxi up there.

3:34 “You must be this tall to ride this ride.”

3:37 Dandruff?

3:44 The Nicki’s have given up on the taxi, and both of them are trying to hitch-hike.

3:52 Nicki’s necklace has come alive and is trying to eat her head.

3:54 Oh wait, she’s fine.

4:06 The guys in the audience still haven’t moved. They must have stayed out too late last night at the Unisex Bar.

4:07 Okay, they just moved, in that creepy way the Yoko Ono’s did, staring right at us. Did I mention that I don’t care for that? Stop it.

4:13 Nicki does an interpretive dance explaining the history of panty liners.

4:15 In response, the Yoko Ono’s uncross their legs. They have all the protection they need, thank you very much.

4:18 Two of the will.i.am’s and two of the Nicki’s await the arrival of the mothership.

4:22 The Yoko Ono’s clap, apparently being very familiar with spacecraft, intergalactic travel, and matching uniforms.

4:24 will.i.am types on an invisible keyboard, probably reserving his seat at the next American Music Awards, because you know he’s going to be there.

4:27 Nicki prepares to throw a football, because somebody needs to do so if the Dallas Cowboys are ever going to win a game again.

Fade to black.

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Trey Songz featuring Nicki Minaj - “Bottoms Up”

We start out with Trey walking into some skanky place that is apparently a Dominatrix Training Camp, with women wearing tight outfits and flipping their hair around. Trey checks his reflection out in a mirrored wall, thinkin’ he all that with his shades, but really, Usher has done this 4 billion times in other videos, and done it a whole lot better. Just sayin.

There seems to be some kind of power situation, with weak strobe lights flickering and buzzing. (You’d think that pop stars would be able to pay the electric bill, but some people never learn.) Then the music starts, and it basically all goes to hell. First we have various shots of Trey apparently trying to lead a gospel choir that doesn’t exist, waving his arms about like he know what he’s doing, but that doesn’t get anywhere. So somebody cues some hookers to start striking slutty poses in the background while Trey tries to look all street.

Trey sashays around the dimly lit room while those energetic hookers perform choreography that even Paula Abdul wouldn’t take credit for. (It appears that Trey likes to do weird little movements with his neck while pawing himself in his crotch region. My guess is that Trey grew up on a farm where nobody explained to him that he’s not a chicken nor does his tackle even begin to compare to Throb the Wonderbull.)

But hey, those hooker girls really know how to whip their hair around and wave their booties in the air. They be jammin’ with they bad selves. We then get several shots of Trey primping around with his little designer suit, but with people screaming “Bottoms Up!” on the soundtrack, ain’t nobody diggin’ his threads. All eyes are on the silhouetted hookers as they show us how their very talented boobies can shimmy to the beat.

We focus for a bit on Trey as he bellows some lyrics, but the only words that stick in my mind is him hollering “as we go alcohol insane”. Go? I’m thinking they’ve already been there and back. Some producer must have figured out that the gyrating fly girls in the background are taking over this show, so he instructs the cameraman to start dicking with the shots, making Trey appear more impressive than he really is.

So we start seeing Trey alone on another part of the soundstage, where he’s making shadow figures on the wall. Not really sure what that’s supposed to prove, but at least we can see him a little better. This doesn’t last very long, however, and soon we’re back to the wildly horny backup dancers touching every part of their body that they can reach. (I didn’t know this until now, but it seems that if you pull on your hair in an anguished manner it apparently drives you into even more of a sexual frenzy. I’ll have to try that some time.)

Trey does some more of the chicken-neck thing while the girls in the background do some squat thrusts. As if their intentions were not clear enough, the girls then spread their legs really wide so we can confirm that they don’t have a penis. Thank you for that. I was SO confused up until this point.

I guess Trey gets bored with the quartet of horny streetwalkers behind him, so he wanders off to another room where… I’m really not sure what’s going on. We can vaguely see a new woman doing something minimally erotic with some gymnastic rings, but it looks like the more important feature of this new room is that there’s a comfy chair in the middle of it which comes with its own bottle of hooch. Trey immediately makes himself at home in this chair and swigs from the bottle. Priorities, right?

The free beverage causes Trey to bellow more crap about “alcohol hero”. Nice. Let’s teach the youth of today that nothing can be finer than to be inebriated and treat women like disposable possessions that can be left in another part of the soundstage when you get bored. (On the flip side, skanky dancers in the background, you feel good about leaving a legacy to your sisters that you gotta hump set props in order to be important? Geez.)

Eventually, Trey wanders into some nightclub scene where (big surprise) more trashy women are cavorting around and begging to be mounted. Trey grabs one of them by the hair and slams her head into his chest, because that’s really erotic. He then picks up his bottle of hooch and staggers around trying to decide which tramp will get his affections for the evening. (Or at least for the next 15 minutes.)

Suddenly, we start seeing another hoochy in a blond wig, her breasts cinched into a corset so tight that I’m surprised she can get any oxygen. She starts rapping about “salt around the rim”, so I’m guessing this is Nicki Minaj. (I don’t think it really matters who she is. Trey certainly doesn’t care.) Nicki goes on for a while, but any vocal stylings she might have are lost in the fact that she waves her booty more than anybody so far in the video.)

What is wrong with people? Is this really considered entertainment? It’s certainly not progress of any kind.

And Nicki keeps going, with the producers jacking with her scenes, speeding up the video so that she appears to be a psychotic harpy of some kind. And Nicki actually grunts “I’m really such a lady.” Oh, no, honey, you’re not. “Lady” is not a term that will ever be applied to you, not with your cootchie humping the camera lens.

Trey just keeps drinking in the chair in the middle of the room. I keep drinking because at some point this madness has got to end.

But Nicki’s not done. She fiddles with the gymnastic rings, and then compares herself to Anna Nicole Smith.

Before or after the overdose? Sorry. My bad.

And maybe Nicki had a game-plan in mind, trying to prove some kind of point, but she just comes across as completely out of her mind. I don’t see any hint of salvation in this whole mess.

Back to Trey wandering around the sex room and sampling the wares. Apparently there isn’t a single female on the planet that doesn’t desperately want to have his baby. One of the more pushy sluts rips Trey’s shirt off, so that we can see he has lots of tattoos, in case you weren’t impressed with just his misogyny and objectifying of women. (Nicki keeps waving her fanny off in the corner, doing her inept part for equal sleaze rights.)

Trey struts around the room, apparently believing that his chauvinism will be forgiven since we can now see his nipples. (That sound you hear is the NOW organization speed-dialing legislators.) The strumpets continue to gyrate. Trey continues to drink and paw at his female toys as the song fades out.

Excuse me, I’ve got to go make my eyes stop bleeding…

　

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