Backup Dancers From Hell: Duran Duran - “Come Undone”

We start off with a knotted piece of blue silk that comes undone before our eyes.

Gee, a little heavy on the symbolism, eh?

Shots of something like red dye billowing in water, and other shots of various sea creatures swimming. Then something really big splashes in golden water, and it turns out to be someone wrapped in tinfoil and chains. Whoever they are, it’s probably not a good day.

Cut to the band performing in an aquarium somewhere. The camera jumps around a bit so we can see who exactly is in this version of the band, mixed with shots of Chain Girl struggling in the water. Simon finally starts singing just as a shark swims by in the tank. Not sure if they actually meant for those two images to be so close together.

Simon is doing something with his hands, while wearing an outfit that Prince threw out of his closet years ago. (Quick shot of a little girl somewhere else, peeking at something.) Chain Girl continues to struggle, whipping her head about. This makes her long hair look really pretty and swirly in the water, but it doesn’t actually do much for her situation. (The little girl again, doing something with a teddy bear under a bed. Did we edit together two unrelated videos?)

Chain Girl, while still fiddling with her manacles and avoiding the nearby sharks, manages to sing part of the song. (I hope she got paid well for this.) In case you ever wondered, people who sing underwater do not look especially attractive. And if she’s part of the band, why the hell isn’t the rest of Duran Duran trying to help her out? Rude, don’t you think?

Simon continues to sing back at the aquarium, while the camera jumps around to other band members again. One of them is even more invested in Prince’s wardrobe than Simon, and another one is apparently using butter cream frosting as a styling gel. (I guess if Craft Services runs out of desserts before the shoot is over, they can serve this guy up with some shortcake.)

New series of shots, with an older couple sitting on a blue bench in the middle of some rising flood waters. Personal belongings are floating about and the situation looks grim. (Well, not as serious as Chain Girl, but still.) But instead of getting all mopey about it, the couple just smooches each other lovingly. Aww. Love does conquer all. Especially if you have flood insurance.

Oh look, Chain Girl managed to break some of her bonds. That’s nice. But she’s been under water a long time. She needs to step it up or pots and pans won’t be the only things floating past the loving couple on the bench. (And of course, Duran Duran keeps playing instead of lending a hand. Chain Girl probably won’t be sending them a Christmas card.)

More shots of sharks, turtles, Simon, Prince, and butter cream frosting.

Then we have images of a hammer smashing a chicken sandwich, a doll, a rose and a football. (For some reason, this makes me think of Seal getting his daughter a snack during halftime, but that’s probably not what was intended.) This video is really getting dark. Then again, we’ve been watching a woman drown for three minutes, so it’s not like we started out in a happy place.

Now we have a woman making herself a nice health shake, and then pouring a bottle of alcohol into the mix. (She’s probably really despondent about the ugly pink headband they made her wear for this scene.) She guzzles the concoction with gusto, so she might be a little sad but she still has her motor skills.

Speaking of, Chain Girl manages to belt out some more lyrics to the song despite running out of oxygen and new ways to flip her hair around. She’s ripped off a few more of the chains, but she’s still got a ways to go. (Almost two more minutes, if the time stamp on this video is right.)

Next up, an attractive man arrives home, starts to take his clothes off (yay!), then reveals that he is wearing lacy feminine garments underneath his shirt (Oh. Not so enthused now.). While the band continues to play, the sharks continue to circle, and Chain Girl continues to kick her feet instead of settling down and trying to determine a rational way to get out of the chains, the attractive man dons a nice cocktail dress and proceeds to put on lipstick. He apparently misunderstood something he read in the directions, because he starts smearing the lipstick all over the face. I didn’t know that the application of lipstick could be this tricky, but apparently it is.

Oh look, Chain Girl is almost free.

Now we’re on a street, and out of nowhere some fool comes running up belching fire out his mouth. (I have never understood why anyone would want to breathe fire like that. It can’t possibly feel good, and there’s that whole “accidental death” thing.) Fire Man jump starts the final montage of the video. As he continues to randomly spew, we revisit all the lovely, depressing vignettes that we’ve seen so far. This is capped off by Chain Girl finally making it to she surface, free at last. She starts swimming toward a new destination.

Which is probably the aquarium, because she is ready to kick herself some Duran Duran ass for not helping her. Bastards.

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Duran Duran - “Hungry Like the Wolf”

We start off with various people doing boring things in some vague city that is not in the Western Hemisphere. If I paid more attention to the news, I would probably know where this is, but I don’t. This probably makes me a loser in some way. Anyway, the city streets are crowded, there is poverty, and folks have an affinity for sandals.

Next thing you know, two of the members of Duran Duran (the cute short one and one of the drag queens) suddenly run across a street and are nearly killed by angry people on Mopeds. But they survive, and are joined by the other drag queen one. Are they late for the concert? What’s going on? Can they people possibly look more flamboyant and out of place?

Cut to a café of some kind, where a small person with interesting headwear is sitting on one of the tables and trying to coax a snake out of basket. I hope the waiter doesn’t sit us in that section. Oh, look, there’s Simon LeBon at one of the tables, looking about 12 years old, drinking a beer, singing, and staring at a rude man who is doing something with a monkey.

Simon takes off his glasses, which is a cue for the camera man to zoom in on an asexual necklace that Simon is wearing. Then Simon flips his table over, so I guess the service is really bad here, which is not surprising, considering the presence of livestock and all. Simon then dashes to a nearby farmer’s market, perhaps intent on making his own food, or maybe he just likes to fondle local produce.

Quick shot showing that other band members have commandeered a jeep, which means there is probably an unhappy native sitting by the side of the road somewhere, cursing British pop stars in a language that we don’t understand. Simon is still at the market, and I think he’s drunk. More band members running through the crowded streets, one of them wearing an offensive headband. Brief glimpse of woman with lipstick who is apparently very tired and falls to the ground.

Meaningless shot of a bushel of corn.

Simon encounters some oxen or some such pulling a wagon. He stares at them quizzically, not sure if he’s found the rest of his band or should keep looking. He decides it’s not them, so he and his fedora run somewhere else. (Another brief glimpse of lipstick woman, now in a jungle and sporting face paint. I guess she’s done with her nap.) Then we have a transition shot, with special effects that make it very clear this video is nearly 30 years old.

Now we have Simon straddling a canoe on a river, trying to be cool and squat like the natives but really looking like he’s got a body part caught in something. He’s making some other guy do all the paddling, which isn’t really fair, but maybe Simon has a clause about manual labor in his contract. We spy another face-painted person peering out of the jungle, but we don’t know them so we don’t care.

Back in the city, two of the band members accost a small boy and torment him with a photo of Simon LeBon. The boy shakes his head in terror, not being fond of white people with odd names, even if they can sing.

Another crappy transition scene.

Now Simon is crossing a rope bridge that’s practically falling apart, so you fully expect him to fall through and he does. This triggers another small boy to roll a big tire in front of a gas station, avoiding unexplained campfires in the roadway. The we have shots of a non-drag queen band member, girls walking in short skirts, and Rush Limbaugh. Oh wait, that was just an elephant at the end there.

The camera pans to the right of the elephant, and there’s Simon, standing in the middle of the river and bellowing the song. He tries to do a shimmy thing, which is totally inappropriate, then he makes a seductive face, turns toward the elephant, and then heads that way. What the hell?

Quick shot of offensive-headband guy, who has apparently totally enraptured some woman just by pretending that he’s in a Karate Kid movie. They immediately clutch each other in a sensual embrace while mystified street people look on.

Back to Simon, wading in that damn river. (I guess things didn’t work out with the elephant.) Short scene with the lipstick jungle woman grabbing the cute band member, and then kissing him, which causes her to briefly transition into a lion. Why all these images of horniness and animals? Is it the heat, or have I just not been reading the right magazine articles?

Simon’s still in the river. He frightens some boy on the shore, who then runs in terror while dead trees sway in the background. Oh wait, he’s running TO Simon, who has been magically transported to a convenient pile of rocks. Simon is very thirsty, despite having been swimming in water for the whole video, and the little urchin soothes Simon’s parched throat by squeezing liquid out of a dirty rag. We don’t know where that rag has been, and Simon could possibly die, but at least he’s not in the river any more.

Oh wait, I lied. He’s back in the water, doing a slo-mo Swimsuit Model maneuver, rising out of the river all drippy and such. This causes the nearby lipstick jungle woman to arch her back seductively and then start running through the trees. It’s not clear if she’s on the hunt or just remembered she has an appointment with her therapist.

Culture Club makes a brief cameo.

Then we’re back in the jungle, where Simon has also been to one of those street fairs where they do face-painting. He and lipstick woman appear to be stalking each other, now that they have artwork in common. They finally meet up and howl at each other, which qualifies as a first date in some countries, then lipstick woman gets all moody and claws Simon on the neck, thus living out the fantasy of every teenage girl in 1984.

Then Simon and Lipstick start making angry, beasty love on the jungle floor. Clothes are torn, leaves are trampled, and we have an unwelcome close-up of Lipstick’s derriere as she crouches in animal lust. While they bang a gong, we have explanatory shots of all the band members finally getting together at that nasty café with snakes and bad service.

As the song and the mating winds down, the band members all gather around Simon as he apparently relates his adventures of the aggressive woman who did more than just throw her panties on stage. They all nod knowingly, being pop stars and used to having jungle sex every time they turn around. Meanwhile, the obviously poorly-paid extras in the background stare directly at the cameras and don’t even pretend to be eating, adding even further polish to this fine piece of cinema…

Fade out.

　

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