1. Okay, hold up. They’re only letting the First Class people board right now. Why are all your asses in line already? I can tell by the outfit you’re wearing that you don’t have any extra cash left over for a fancy plane ticket. Go sit down and wait your turn like a decent person.
2. Is it really necessary that you clomp down the gangway like a heifer in search of a salt lick?
3. That woman at the plane door is such a liar. Her words might be saying “welcome aboard!” but her eyes and her hair are saying “dear God, more smelly people who are going to want extra pillows and manage to spill crap on the floor”.
4. Hey there, all you rich people up here in this First Class mess. Is it really worth those big bucks to board first and then have to sit there forever and watch all us poor-ass people march through your sacred land back to the cheap seats? I’d think that would harsh my buzz just a little bit.
5. Honey, if you’re going to stick your pampered butt out into the aisle, you do realize that I have every right to whack it with my carry-on, right? Fair’s fair.
6. What in the hell is somebody doing at the front of the chain-gang that is causing the line of unseated people to come to a complete halt? Are you re-decorating? Is somebody giving birth?
7. Look, you fool in the aisle seat, if I’m standing at your row, patiently tapping my foot, it means that you need to get out of the way so I can get to the window seat on the other side of you, not that you should sit there like I’m a Jehovah’s Witness and you really don’t have to answer the door if you don’t want to.
8. How is it that some people manage to get on the plane with 4 carry-ons, two bags of groceries and a case of beer? Something is clearly wrong with the screening process around here.
9. Isn’t it amazing that after 20 years of portable electronic devices on airplanes, so many people still don’t understand what it means when the captain asks for the fifth time to turn the damn things off?
10. Dear complete-stranger person sitting next to me. Help me understand at what point I gave you an indication that I needed to hear every detail of your entire life. So I can make sure that I never again do whatever it was.
11. Dear other person sitting next to me. See that armrest there? That’s also my armrest. Which means we have to share. So unless you own this plane, you need to give up some real estate, pronto.
12. Memo to the geeky little man who is parading his child up and down the aisle just so we can all get a gander at something angelic that somehow sprang from his loins. I had nothing to do with the conception or delivery of that child. She’s cute, so I’ll smile in tribute one time, but after that, you need to go back to wherever you came from. Like the taxi that brought you to the airport.
13. Why do people get excited about shoving a camera up to their window and taking pictures of clouds? What are you trying to prove?
14. Isn’t it fun when the flight attendant uses the beverage cart as a battering ram and tries to snap off people’s elbows? Not.
15. And why is that flight attendant offended when I don’t want something to drink? Does that make me a terrorist? I’m not thirsty, there’s no ulterior motive, so stop looking at me in that personally-offended way. Besides, if I drink the two sips that I can get out of your thimble of a serving cup, I’m gonna have to pee. And I have no desire to enter that tiny, creepy bathroom where my private bits can get sucked out of the airplane by that alarming tornado toilet. End of story.
16. And once more, lady beside me who is rambling on about that time she somehow got pregnant at the rodeo during the Butter Queen Festival, I don’t care. Did the crucifix not burn you enough the last time I shoved it against your forehead?
17. Okay, good, we’re about to land. Which means that Drusilla in front of me will finally arise from the dead and return her seat to an upright position. Instead of the painful down-low position where she has basically been in my lap for most of the flight, forcing me to realign my internal organs just so I can breathe.
18. And, of course, despite the 27 desperate pleas from the voice on the intercom that everyone should re-fasten their seatbelts, there are at least 26 people who still don’t understand what that means and they have to be given personal instruction from a flight attendant whose eyes are bulging and twitching.
19. Those same 26 people will leap out of their seats before we get to the gate and begin rummaging around in the overhead bins, shoving their annoying crotches into the faces of the decent, law-abiding people who have done nothing wrong the entire flight except mistakenly assume that their fellow man can behave himself in public.
20. We finally do get to the gate, and thus begins the mind-numbing quest for freedom as the entire plane is held hostage by the yokel who refuses to get out of the aisle as he tries to remember which overhead bin holds the case of beer that he apparently can’t live without.
Maybe those people in First Class have the right idea after all. Geez.
