30 Signs That Your Significant Other Is Clearly Trying To Drive You Insane

  Note: Change the pronouns around however you like to fit the dynamics of your own relationship. This is an equal-opportunity whine-fest. Just sayin.

1. He changes the car radio right in the middle of a song that you really, really like.

2. She stares at the restaurant menu for 37 minutes and still cannot find anything that remotely interests her. Yet she wanted to go to this place.

3. He doesn’t understand that inviting his friends over for dinner at the very last minute might be an issue in any way.

4. She makes fun of the fact that you can’t parallel park.

5. He eats the last yogurt in the fridge that YOU picked out and leaves the crappy one that he chose.

6. She insists on going down every single aisle in the grocery store.

7. He doesn’t HAVE a plan in the grocery store, and runs from one end of the store to the other at least 26 times.

8. She thinks it’s okay to answer her phone right in the middle of the Immunity Challenge on “Survivor”.

9. He lunges to close a window on his computer screen every time you walk into the home office.

10. She starts any conversation with the phrase “I was talking to Mom the other day…”

11. He starts any conversation with the phrase “Why are you dressed up like we’re going somewhere?”

12. She abruptly ends a conversation by saying “whatever you think is best” and then leaving the room.

13. He makes that soul-killing sucking noise trying to get food out of his teeth.

14. She sneezes like somebody stepped on an anemic mouse.

15. He sneezes like an elephant getting a rectal probe, and then has to follow it up by hollering “DAMN!” like he has no idea what just happened to him.

16. She lets the alarm clock on her side of the bed blink for two days after a power failure.

17. He hits the snooze button on his alarm clock for two solid hours.

18. She can apparently go through an entire roll of toilet paper in one afternoon.

19. He apparently doesn’t comprehend that when the toilet paper roll is empty one should take corrective action about the situation.

20. She thinks it’s okay to flip her hair like that when talking to a complete stranger at the local bar.

21. He thinks it’s okay to supposedly go to the bathroom at the local bar and not come back for thirty minutes.

22. She doesn’t understand that clicking “Like!” on anything that a former lover does on Facebook could indicate possible remorse about her current relationship.

23. He doesn’t understand that the mere act of  befriending a former lover on Facebook makes him a possibly-cheating bastard.

24. She thinks nothing of wrapping herself in an afghan-cocoon on her side of the bed and thereby avoiding sex for the evening.

25. He thinks nothing of falling asleep on the couch while watching Frasier even though you have slipped into a contortionistic outfit that highlights all of your body parts that he previously worshipped.

26. She has apparently contacted a lawyer who has an advertisement proclaiming “We will get you every penny that you deserve!”.

27. He has apparently contacted a murky dude named “Guido” who has a tattoo proclaiming “I make things go away.”

28. She invites her mother to come live with them.

29. He invites his mother to come live with them.

30. Both of the mothers instead opt to rent the house across the street, shove some chairs up to the front window, get comfortable with some snacks and a glass of wine, and watch this puppy play out in real time. Hell, they’ve already been through all this mess, time to relax and let the kids finally realize that at the end of the day it’s all just water under a bridge that they’re building together…

10 Things That Your Significant Other Shouldn’t Do If They Really Want to Remain Your Significant Other

1. Do not tell people that you are my beloved until this has been fully discussed between us and official documents have been signed.

  Likewise, do not update your relationship status on any social media app without the proper coordination. This is something that we should do together, whilst sipping wine and staring into each other’s shiny, happy eyes as we point and click. This is not something you do while I am away for the weekend attending a Fish Fry in a rural village that does not have Internet access.

2. Do not speak of past relationships for any measurable length of time or give any indication that it was an enjoyable experience.

  Acceptable Example: “Chris and I once went to the Irish Festival and it rained the whole time.”

  Death-Wish Example: “Chris and I spent an entire month in Tuscany and it was the best time I’ve ever had in my entire life and we made love every night in an ancient vineyard where Michelangelo used to sit and sketch grapes. And I still have a bottle of wine that we made out of those grapes and I drink from it every year and think of that wonderful summer.”

3. Do not leave undergarments in unauthorized locations for any noticeable period.

  A pair of briefs thrown into the ceiling fan during a rousing game of slap and tickle is fine. Those same briefs circling around the ceiling fan in a holding pattern for an entire week can lead to a psychotic break. Put your damn panties in the basket we bought just so you would have somewhere to put your panties.

4. Do not ask me to suggest a dining or entertainment option and then completely ignore my answer.

  If there is something specific that you want to do, just say what it is and let’s go on with life. Don’t ask me what we should do for dinner, forcing me to review in my head the various restaurants where we can both get something we like and I proffer up a compromise location, only for you to pretend like I haven’t said anything and then steer us toward where you wanted to go in the first place. Why must it be a patience-testing game? Tell me up front where you want to go and we’ll go there. God.

5. We do not have to do every single thing in life as a unit.

  There will be times when I want to go off and do something for a few hours that you have no desire to do. And since you don’t like the activity, I don’t want you coming along and sighing out of apparent life-depleting boredom. My desire to spend a little time pursuing a personal interest does not mean that our relationship is on a train wreck to hell, that you should start looking for change-of-address cards, or that I am having rounds of orgiastic sex with a different Chris in a different vineyard in your beloved Italy. I just need some downtime weaving simple baskets in a convent where all the nuns have taken a vow of silence, that’s all.

6. Even if you don’t understand my mystifying side interests, you should still respect those pursuits without the use of sarcasm or eye-rolling.

  Suppose I like to collect pretty rocks. People do that. It’s not a sign of mental deficiency or conversion to a satan-based way of life. It’s just something to do, even if it means you are tripping over boxes of rocks that I haven’t touched since 1992. After all, I’ve never said a word about your endless crates of vintage 8-Track tapes that are testing the structural support of this house, despite the fact that we don’t even own an 8-Track tape player.

7. You cannot make fun of more members of my family than I make fun of your family members.

  It’s a very mentally-healthy thing for two people in love to have a chuckle or three over the indiscretions or outright stupidity of certain members of the interconnected clans. This is a supportive way for each of us to relieve familial stress without directly affecting the contents of any last will and testaments. But you don’t want to go too far. If one family tree starts getting more chops than the other, it’s inevitable that there will be a power shift in the relationship and suddenly people are going to bed without speaking.

8. It’s okay if we don’t agree on the same TV programs.

  Seriously, it’s not that big of a deal. If you want to watch The Adventures of the Runaway Crockpot and I don’t, it’s not an invalidation of your cultural choices or your status as a human being. It’s alright to like different things. You watch your little show and enjoy the hell out of it. I’ll head over to the convent and make some woven baskets with Sister Jedidiah and Sister Never-Touched. (We’re preparing for the Annual Jesus and Jute Craft Fair.) We can watch Survivor later and laugh at stupid people making bad choices.

9. If I make a fairly insipid mistake concerning a life decision or a trivia question, and this will happen, probably often, it will be discussed once, briefly, and then it will never be addressed again.

  I am aware that you have a tendency to gloat and feel superior when proven right. You are aware that I share the same trait. This is probably why we got together in the first place, a shared need for validation that was nurtured by questionable childhoods and/or a genetic misfire of some sort. As such, it’s not a good idea for either of us to push the issue. You can have your five-minute victory dance and a limit of two smart-ass comments. After that, the situation is wrapped up, thrown in one of the boxes of rocks, and will never again see the light of day. Unless I need to use it as an example of spousal abuse in divorce court.

10. I must always be a beacon of beauty to you, regardless of how wrinkled or flabby I get, what I’m wearing, degree of hangover, or how I smell.

  I never want to see that look leave your eyes. Even if my current appearance has shattered the bathroom mirror, terrified our pets, severely traumatized neighborhood children who stupidly chose to look in the front window, and caused the startled mailman to immediately seek therapy. The spark in your gaze must always burn bright.


Now, sign on the dotted line below and get somebody to notarize this thing. I’ve got some baskets to make and the Sisters have been texting me…

15 More Smarmy Things To Say to Your Significant Other That You Deeply Love But Still Want To Slap Sometimes

1. “Can you help me understand why that pair of underwear has been in the same spot for two weeks now? Is it a memorial of some kind? Are we not allowed to touch it, like the state flower when it grows by the side of the road?”

2. “It is SO sweet of you to designate that pretty glass bowl as the new home for our car keys and wallets. Very efficient and space-saving of you. Now, in the future, could you possibly send out a memo when you decide to do these things? Preferably well in advance of me needing to get to an important appointment ON TIME. Your surprise redecorating has indirectly resulted in a small foreclosure on this house. But the bowl IS pretty.”

3. “Why are we watching this movie? Again. For the 12th time. Was there a recall and they changed the ending?”

4. “Dumplin’, allow me to break this down for you. If you feed the cat THIS, then the litter box is going to look like THAT. Please tell me you finally understand the connection. Otherwise I’m leaving.”

5. “Yes, I understand that you like bold, dramatic color schemes, and that I seek comfort in stark white when it comes to interior paint. It’s only fair that we work together and come to an all-satisfying compromise. But Sweetie, I just don’t think I can go on with life if there is something called “Xanadu Eggplant with Leg-Warmer Trim” coating my walls. I just can’t bear it. Let’s be agreeable about something else, shall we?”

6. “I don’t care for thousand island dressing. We will never talk about this again.”

7. “I’m just curious, Poodle. What aspect of my clothing choices, facial expressions, angry blog posts and, well, upbringing in general, would make you think I would willingly go along with your decision to have the rose bush removed on the side of the house? Seriously.”

8. “But I’ve always parked in that same spot. For roughly 400 years. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice that you changed the game? And I don’t CARE if you had to get the verging-on-expiration milk into the fridge. Quit buying day-old dairy. And park in your own damn space. God.”

9. “Here’s what I’m observing. Every day, you come in the back door after work, then race to the front of the house to check the mail before you even turn off the alarm, stomping on the cat and knocking me aside as I stand there with my lips pursed for a welcoming kiss. What the HELL are you expecting in the mailbox? Hillary Clinton?”

10. “Oh, no. No. Not at all. We are no longer qualified to wear sleeveless t-shirts. The bloom is long gone. You could take an eye out with that swinging flesh. We must now sit chastely at dinner parties and hope a body part doesn‘t fall off before coffee is served.”

11. “I never signed up for compromise in a relationship. That was in my online profile. I can’t help it if your Internet connection went down. Pay your bills.”

12. “No, she’s YOUR friend, I’M not the one who invited her over. Don’t you be bringing her psychotic hallucinations up in here. Wait, what was that? She works at Macy’s and has an employee discount? I love you SO much. Go answer the door while I hide the sharp knives.”

13. “Darling, please take a look at this brochure. Isn’t it festive? It’s from Oprah’s people. I’d like you to pay special attention to Page 3. That’s where trained specialists explain that, when two people in a relationship are discussing food-consumption arrangements, the initial question of ‘What would you like for dinner?’ should NOT be rebutted with ‘Well, what would YOU like for dinner‘? This leads to madness and nobody getting to eat what they really want.”

14. “Who ARE you right now? Have you been comparing notes with Linda Blair?”

15. “Please leave your message at the beep. But the beeper thing is broken, and your words will be lost forever in an abyss of darkness and non-validation. Which means that I win this round. Again. Thank you for playing. Don’t come again. Oh, but could you pick up some milk when you go to the Crow-Eating store? The jug in the fridge smells sour…”